I recently sat down with a CCP spokesperson to discuss their latest endeavor. CCP has struggled with the wave of people unsubscribing and as they put it, “gloating on Reddit about it no less”. There was also mention of the desire to sell ships directly to customers but the “community” was up in arms because the ships weren’t “player built”.

“We had spent hours coming up with this plan to have the player base riot in Jita. How does the player base expect us to stay in business if people continue to leave and the loudmouths on Reddit stop us every time, we try to make a buck, DO YOU KNOW THEY DON’T EVEN PLAY ANYMORE!” AT this point the spokesperson was out of their chair, hands waving in the air. Then a calm came over them and still standing there staring at nothing a smile came over their face and said “That’s when it hit us, the perfect solution. We call it the Asset Safety Solution. Over the years people have left the game and naturally, their things end up in asset safety. What good is it doing anyone sitting in asset safety? You and I both these people are never coming back; we have made sure of that. Then there are the whales, they have all this disposable income and they want to be in ships. We have also made it so hard to build supers that even the whales have a difficult time purchasing these ships. So, we will bring the ships to the whales and the community can’t say a thing because we didn’t produce them out of thin air. From now on if you haven’t retrieved your assets within two months, they become the property of CCP and we will auction them off to the highest bidder. It’s a win, win, win, we stay in business, whales get the best ships to fly and the rest of the masses have ships in space so they can stop complaining. We will even throw a bone at the wormholers who are always saying we don’t think of them enough. With the release of the Asset Safety Solution patch, we will be adding asset safety to all citadels in Wormhole space. This will be the greatest update to Eve the player base has ever seen! We will be hailed as HEROES! THE PEOPLE WILL REJOICE AND CHANT CCP! CCP! CCP!”

The spokesperson left the room continuing the chant and was heard all the way down the hall.

In compliance with Texas Law and Customer Service V requirements, renowned shipping professional and YouTube’s fourth best commentator, Chance Ravinne (WINGSPAN TT) announced sale of the CEO role for WINGSPAN Delivery Services to Zeratul Sheppard for the astronomical sum of 31,000,000 ISK. This transition marks the formal end of an era largely acknowledged to have ended in 2020.

Emotional responses were positive, as hundreds celebrated the long-term contributions of this Eve Online luminary, and at least 31 pilots chimed in to blame Chance Ravinne for luring them into Eve Online.

But, This is EVE^tm – there is always more to the story than meets the eye.

Note, if you will, the following chart from the September 2022 MER:

In comparing the climb of Sleeper Component volumes beginning in 2020 with Chance Ravinne’s zKillboard history, a direct correlation between increased J-Space ratting and reduced Chance Ravinne activity becomes clear.

Inside sources confirm that WINGSPAN Delivery Services agents have increasingly expressed frustration that something approaching 65.9% of wormhole systems are empty, with 31% of the remainder full of botters multiboxers running fleets of Dreads or RR Praxis, and a paltry 3.1% of systems populated with the solo ratters and explorers making up the majority of WDS munitions delivery customers. Some Delivery Agents have even resorted to High-Sec ganking, ships without cloaks (!!!), and a few are reported to have strayed more than 2100m from the B274 in a desperate attempt to make quota.

Thus, the plot becomes clear, especially in light of the fact Chance Ravinne remains on the board, and reportedly holds a substantial quantity of highly valuable^tm WDS corporate stock.

WINGSPAN Delivery Services is using the announcement of Chance Ravinne’s “retirement” as CEO to bait solo ratters and explorers back into J-Space in order to expand munition delivery opportunities, and thus the value of Chance Ravinne’s stock holdings while serving to recruit unsuspecting players into near-slavery with promises of a 31 ISK annual salary.
WINGSPAN TT’s retirement is bait – rat and explore alone in J-Space to prove me wrong, or send 31,000,000 ISK to EVE Onion News.

In a recent investigative report EVE Onion found that more and more corporations are catering to the casual players of gaming. If you take a look at the r/evejobs board you will find that most of the corporations looking for members are using phrases like “Real Life comes first” or “Caters to IRL”.

As the average age of the EVE Online player continues to trend upward so does their focus away from the game. Spouses, children, jobs, education, and “gym time” are all competing for their precious hours of the day. This has led to capsuleers having to choose between feeding their babies when they cry or logging in for that red pen strategic operation they’ve been looking forward to all day.

We at EVE Onion believe this is the root cause of EVE’s decline in recent years. People are choosing real life over space pixels. Spreadsheets in space are being set aside so people can have meaningful interactions under the guise of “family time” or “one in a lifetime moments”.

We want to be the first news agency to say what CCP Games and the hardcore gamers of EVE Online won’t say. STOP CARING SO MUCH ABOUT THE OUTSIDE WORLD!
You heard us right. File for divorce, put the kids up for adoption, let the dog forage for food, and for Bob’s and Zorya’s sakes just get on unemployment or fake a disability. EVE Online needs dedicated gamers who are willing to go the extra mile and just live life one downtime to the next.

If you can’t commit then quit should be the motto coming from every EVE Online loving player that still finds the money or time to login!

Eve Online developer CCP Games has followed suit with many other online platforms and officially banned decisive public personality Andrew Tate from playing Eve Online. CCP games in a press release emphasised the need to protect the very few female players who play Eve Online from any possible reason to leave.

As of publishing there are a total of four female players who currently play Eve Online, down from five after a disgruntled player left the previous month. The most recent Leaver departed the game in protest, citing long term reluctance of CCP Games to introduce Hello Kitty themed cosmetic items.

For the past year female player numbers have been tracked alongside the monthly economic report, and up-till last month the number was a constant, no new female players, and no drop. The sudden 20% drop caused outcries of concern from the player base who demanded drastic action to quell the virtual female ghost town that is New Eden.

Some players reacted badly to the ban, citing improvements Andrew Tate’s persona brought improvements to player hygiene and leadership skills in larger alliances and power blacks.

Andrew Tate has commented on the ban and released a statement.

“Why would I even play such a sausage-filled virtual hotbox? Spreadsheets in space are for beta male manchildren who have never felt the embrace of the female body. I don’t even have an account anyway so how can I be banned? What next? A Roblox ban?”

A group of researchers watch in-game footage of 15 characters mining an asteroid for half an hour. After some time one researcher turns to the others and comments; “Which one is a real person?”. It turns out all of them were.

A leaked CCP Games internal memo has recently made its way out into the public to the great dismay of Eve Online players. Eve Online, to the general public, usually garners visions of backstabbing, soviet era espionage, grand schemes, and massive space battles.

Players of the MMORPG usually salivate at the constant internal drama and potential financial collapse of their beloved online game’s publisher, however counter-intuitive it may seem to outsiders. The love-hate symbiotic relationship between publisher and player base  would make any PHD Psychologist shiver with interest.

But this time, the players are eerily silent on social media and their usual online gathering spots. Very little mention can be seen anywhere of the latest leak dubbed “Smart Rock Simulator” but the few willing to discuss the memo can do little but quel shame in their findings. What grande knowledge would make one of the most volatile gaming communities to remain silent over you may wonder.

The leaked memo blandly titled “Counter-botting in a bot simulator environment. Where to go now for effective detection where the player’s optimal behaviour is bot behaviour?” does seem to mean anything to an outsider but to an Eve Player the message is a blinding truth, to play Eve Online, you need to act like a bot, and the players have perfected this to the point where CCP Games and their anti-automation programs cannot distinguish player from bot.

CCP Games is essentially struggling to deal with automated player accounts and has run into the issue that it cannot tell the difference between a player and a bot because the gameplay in the MMORPG is so boring and repetitive that a bot essentially behaves like a player should and vice versa.

On the surface it’s not a big deal, most gameplay is pretty repetitive across many games but to Eve Online players, who already have to deal with “Internet Space Spreadsheet Simulator” it is another blow to their overinflated egos and the community is just ignoring the latest bout of painful truth. 

Aspen (AP) – As you know, after the latest megadump, Progodlegend has been cruisin for dank pow. He’s shredding the slopes with crunchy steez, and impressing snow bunnies with totes gnarly double stomps. Not surprisingly, our bro has been feeling pretty good after that taco bail in EvE Online, where he held a yard sale in front of all the gapers and lifties. One day, the broski felt a funny vibration in his swag pants, and a warm fuzzy feeling filled his soul. Only one person has his secret digits, and that is his good buddy Vily (pronounced WIL-EE)!

“Bruh…” Progod said, listening intently as Vily tuned him on some groovy deets, “Bruh…” Progod tossed his chatter board aside, and ran as quick as he could into the nearest log cabin, where they were serving warm choco milk with shots of hard apple cider. Progod plugged in his laptop, and stared at the amazing message from GM CranberryVodka. “Bruhhhhhhhh…”

“Good news! Your alliance has been salvaged.

A CONCORD squad specializing in deep-space asset recovery has recently recovered the fossilized remains of an alliance from a debris field in nullsec.

While the alliance suffered catastrophic damage, CONCORD agents were able to bring it back to a serviceable condition through use of experimental quantum space-time re-stabilization technology (a closely guarded CONCORD secret).

Close examination of the debris revealed that you were a member of the TAPI alliance before its untimely extinction. In accordance with CONCORD protocol 357.C regarding salvage of Capsuleer owned assets, your TAPI has been returned to its former standing.

-Sincerely, your friendly neighborhood CONCORD police squad.”

Piggles couldn’t believe it, and he quickly logged into EvE Online to see for himself, “Bruhhhhh….” Everything was back just the way it had been, with the griefer Goons nicely contained in 1DQ. The Tower of Legends stood tall in the floodplains of T5Z, and all the brave pawns were obediently waiting for Dunk Dinkle to sacrifice them upon an altar to the vanity of Gobbins. Suddenly, a plan of strategic brilliance began to foment in the deepest recesses of his mind. As he watched the brave noobies jump into 1DQ, pgl wrote Vily and Gobbins a quick message, “Broskis, we should unanchor all the Keepstars, and don’t tell NC. I’m gonna hit the slopes.”

Controversy has arisen from the EVE community as a group of non-aligned pilots that specialize in High-sec ganking took matters too far; they decided to break the online wall to make their own justice for an event that seemed innocuous. 

The battle of the bricks was supposed to be a fun time between Capsuleers, Star Citizen players, and the odd bitter vet. It was the perfect storm for a fulfilling family-friendly activity where the only thing that mattered was how ambitious you were and what ship model you chose. 

It all changed last Monday evening when a group of pilots wanted to take their playstyle outside of the game, taking the event as a nice opportunity that miners are never safe not even in real life. The events transpired in the residence of the player identified as El’Miner, a famous player brought to the spotlight thanks to his Skiff Losemail becoming a common meme among Capsuleers.

El’Miner decided to participate in the even doing by remaking his iconic Skiff with an old Lego set they had lying around, being a bitter vet wouldn’t stop him from participating in such a nice event unfortunately, things changed as later in the night a group of 10 unknown people broke into his home, the security cameras installed let us see that they were wearing crude cardboard cutouts of the infamous Gallente destroyer ship, the Catalyst, and it seemed like their customs were painted using cheap spray paint.

These individuals proceed to smash El’Miner’s Lego Skiff to pieces using iron hammers, not leaving a single piece unbroken, then they proceeded to sit down on the ground until law enforcement came to the scene, according to their testimonials they “Didn’t want to flee from CONCORD as it would be an exploit”. All of their tools were left on the scene and according to our journalists the hammers had a piece of paper taped to them that read “Neutron blaster II”.

Fortunately, El’Miners and their family were out eating dinner at a local restaurant and the alarm system made a quick effort on alerting law enforcement of the home invasion, El’Miner will be pressing charges, and the only comment he made was to suggest a psychological evaluation be made to those involved in the bizarre incident.

As Sky Marshal Asher Elias ascends to the throne of Goondor, the end, long near, has finally arrived. Universally hailed as a decent human, and a self-professed Eve romantic, Asher seems to be the very hero the Imperium needs after the long, toxic reign of The Mittani. Thousands of former Goons will re-apply, and thousands more retired players will dig deep into their stash of PLEX as the sounds the resub horns reverberate and hopes rise in response to the promise of an opportunity to finally become either victor or vanquished – to become part of the story.

Early projections indicate that Imperium membership, already surpassing the peak concurrent user count on Tranquility, will spike over the next several months as Asher rallies the troops to prepare for war. By late fall, the vast majority of active players will be Goons, and the cement of the blue donut will finally cure. With all of New Eden under the glorious leadership of Asher Elias, no enemy worth the name will remain. Without an opponent, Goon interest will wane, then plummet with the January, 2024 release of The Elder Scrolls VI. Eventually, even the majority of Fraternity’s botters will move on. In the end, only a handful of bots, forgotten on VMs, will continue to log on daily to farm rogue drones until their supply of PLEX runs dry.

What can save Eve? Perhaps nothing. Or, perhaps, a villain will arise to restore balance to the New Eden cluster. Dare we hope that Fraternity will rise to oppose the horns of Goondor? Will The Mittani himself return to instigate a civil war to divide the Imperium? Will Rixx Javixx, Chance Ravinne, and James 315  join forces to become an unmatched pirate menace?

We can only hope.

U.S. District Court Judge Roman Jablonski issued a restraining order today preventing players of the aging MMO Eve Online from playing other online games. The restraining order was requested by a consortium of MMO’s and online games including League of Legends, Elder Scrolls Online, World of Tanks, and more. 

“The Eve Online playerbase is riddled with sociopaths, sex offenders, pedophiles, morons, stooges, and Dunk Dinkle,” the restraining order stated. “While it is true that the playerbases of the games requesting this order are full of toxic shitbags, I have, in my 26 years on the bench, never seen a more pathetic gathering of aberrant nerds.”

The restraining order prevents all current Eve Online players from joining other online games but does allow users to play in single-player mode. 

“This is an outrage! We are a calm, peaceful playerbase,” one player said in a Reddit post with over 2,000 upvotes. “If the restraining order is not lifted, we will have no choice but to employee peaceful means of resistance, including doxing, swatting, contacting employers and feeding them malicious and false information, harassing loved ones, issuing death threats, mailing threatening items, and generally vilifying those who have wronged us until they want to commit suicide… 

“Wait, who are we threatening again? Sorry, there are so many people I’m personally at war with I lose track of who I’m threatening sometimes.”

Judge Jablonski is currently reviewing the option to have the toxic Eve Online playerbase removed to the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository in Nevada for long-term storage. However, the Environmental Protection Agency has stated they are against this plan as they worry the playerbase will damage the nuclear waste already stored there.

Imperium leader The Mittani announced an “EVERYTHING MUST GO!” sale at his online furniture store today on a special Twitch stream. “Given the recent wild and false accusations surrounding sexual misconduct in The Imperium, I am grooming the inventory and slashing prices,” he said.

“Wow, there are some fantastic deals on children’s furniture,” former CSM member Xenuria said before this reporter slowly backed away and Googled the phone number for the local FBI field office.

The Mittani’s online store, marketed as a “furniture store for men with mommy issues”, has struggled to take off, and reports are it is preparing to close its doors for the final time. “Just feel how soft this couch is,” said The Mittani pointing to what appeared to be an Ikea couch marketed to sad, lonely men.

“No, really! Come up and touch it. Just kind of walk by and accidentally brush your crotch against it,” The Mittani said, making air quotes with his fingers when saying the word “accidentally”. The Mittani then said that if the couch complains, he’ll simply relabel the couch as an “Amber Heard Hysterical Fainting Couch”, throw it out, and accuse it of starting drama.

Outside the store, current CSM member Brisc Rubal was passing out flyers. “Remember how when you used to buy a new couch you had that annoying red dot on your inventory icon that wouldn’t go away?” said Rubal, handing a flyer to a passerby. “I fixed that!” he said proudly.

When asked about the current accusations surrounding The Imperium, Rubal placed his fingers in his ears and started shouting “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALA!”

CCP Games, when asked to comment on the accusations of alleged sexual misconduct and subsequent coverup by members of The Imperium, issued a statement. “We promise to investigate this situation fully, and when the investigation is complete we will resolve it by offering a 10% off sale on all skill extractors,” the statement said.

“If you don’t take advantage of these prices, then you should kill yourself!” shouted The Mittani, as Goonswarm employees walked away in disgust.