As Sky Marshal Asher Elias ascends to the throne of Goondor, the end, long near, has finally arrived. Universally hailed as a decent human, and a self-professed Eve romantic, Asher seems to be the very hero the Imperium needs after the long, toxic reign of The Mittani. Thousands of former Goons will re-apply, and thousands more retired players will dig deep into their stash of PLEX as the sounds the resub horns reverberate and hopes rise in response to the promise of an opportunity to finally become either victor or vanquished – to become part of the story.
Early projections indicate that Imperium membership, already surpassing the peak concurrent user count on Tranquility, will spike over the next several months as Asher rallies the troops to prepare for war. By late fall, the vast majority of active players will be Goons, and the cement of the blue donut will finally cure. With all of New Eden under the glorious leadership of Asher Elias, no enemy worth the name will remain. Without an opponent, Goon interest will wane, then plummet with the January, 2024 release of The Elder Scrolls VI. Eventually, even the majority of Fraternity’s botters will move on. In the end, only a handful of bots, forgotten on VMs, will continue to log on daily to farm rogue drones until their supply of PLEX runs dry.
What can save Eve? Perhaps nothing. Or, perhaps, a villain will arise to restore balance to the New Eden cluster. Dare we hope that Fraternity will rise to oppose the horns of Goondor? Will The Mittani himself return to instigate a civil war to divide the Imperium? Will Rixx Javixx, Chance Ravinne, and James 315 join forces to become an unmatched pirate menace?
U.S. District Court Judge Roman Jablonski issued a restraining order today preventing players of the aging MMO Eve Online from playing other online games. The restraining order was requested by a consortium of MMO’s and online games including League of Legends, Elder Scrolls Online, World of Tanks, and more.
“The Eve Online playerbase is riddled with sociopaths, sex offenders, pedophiles, morons, stooges, and Dunk Dinkle,” the restraining order stated. “While it is true that the playerbases of the games requesting this order are full of toxic shitbags, I have, in my 26 years on the bench, never seen a more pathetic gathering of aberrant nerds.”
The restraining order prevents all current Eve Online players from joining other online games but does allow users to play in single-player mode.
“This is an outrage! We are a calm, peaceful playerbase,” one player said in a Reddit post with over 2,000 upvotes. “If the restraining order is not lifted, we will have no choice but to employee peaceful means of resistance, including doxing, swatting, contacting employers and feeding them malicious and false information, harassing loved ones, issuing death threats, mailing threatening items, and generally vilifying those who have wronged us until they want to commit suicide…
“Wait, who are we threatening again? Sorry, there are so many people I’m personally at war with I lose track of who I’m threatening sometimes.”
Judge Jablonski is currently reviewing the option to have the toxic Eve Online playerbase removed to the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository in Nevada for long-term storage. However, the Environmental Protection Agency has stated they are against this plan as they worry the playerbase will damage the nuclear waste already stored there.
Imperium leader The Mittani announced an “EVERYTHING MUST GO!” sale at his online furniture store today on a special Twitch stream. “Given the recent wild and false accusations surrounding sexual misconduct in The Imperium, I am grooming the inventory and slashing prices,” he said.
“Wow, there are some fantastic deals on children’s furniture,” former CSM member Xenuria said before this reporter slowly backed away and Googled the phone number for the local FBI field office.
The Mittani’s online store, marketed as a “furniture store for men with mommy issues”, has struggled to take off, and reports are it is preparing to close its doors for the final time. “Just feel how soft this couch is,” said The Mittani pointing to what appeared to be an Ikea couch marketed to sad, lonely men.
“No, really! Come up and touch it. Just kind of walk by and accidentally brush your crotch against it,” The Mittani said, making air quotes with his fingers when saying the word “accidentally”. The Mittani then said that if the couch complains, he’ll simply relabel the couch as an “Amber Heard Hysterical Fainting Couch”, throw it out, and accuse it of starting drama.
Outside the store, current CSM member Brisc Rubal was passing out flyers. “Remember how when you used to buy a new couch you had that annoying red dot on your inventory icon that wouldn’t go away?” said Rubal, handing a flyer to a passerby. “I fixed that!” he said proudly.
When asked about the current accusations surrounding The Imperium, Rubal placed his fingers in his ears and started shouting “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALA!”
CCP Games, when asked to comment on the accusations of alleged sexual misconduct and subsequent coverup by members of The Imperium, issued a statement. “We promise to investigate this situation fully, and when the investigation is complete we will resolve it by offering a 10% off sale on all skill extractors,” the statement said.
“If you don’t take advantage of these prices, then you should kill yourself!” shouted The Mittani, as Goonswarm employees walked away in disgust.
Outside Copenhagen District Court, Denmark. Advocate John Lancel stands alongside his client Villads Christensen and delivers a comment to the gathered press following the recent decision by the Copenhagen Appellate court to allow the case to proceed. The Appellate Court has overturned a lower court dismissal and has allowed their case to proceed against Eve Online developer CCP Games.
“This is a momentous occasion, let it be known that no matter the amount, however small and insignificant, a company cannot roam free in the consumer space abusing their customers without repercussions. CCP Games have violated consumer law, and have denied my client their services for a few minutes each day that he has rightfully paid for and is entitled to. Every second of lost game time is a second stolen from my client. And CCP Games must pay for this.” Advocate John Lancel jubilantly announced this to the press.
This latest development follows an earlier ruling by the Danish Lower Court in Elsinore, where the man currently resides and where the case was initially dismissed. The Elsinore Court apparently was not sufficiently experienced in online consumer law and did not adequately take into account the nature of online services and Danish Sale of Goods Act which covers virtual goods, services, and online fulfilled commerce.
The exact details of the case are withheld from the general public until the case concludes. Luckily, numerous, frequently updated, forums and social media posts by Villads Christensen provided updates on the lawsuit. Each day, he alleges, in the MMORPG Eve Online, the developer withholds access to the game, for a period ranging between 5 and 15 minutes in length in which the developer conducts server and game maintenance. He alleges that this infringes upon his consumer rights, and nowhere in the Terms of Service does CCP explicitly state that he would not be able to play the online game 24/7, the game charges by the month, and he wants the whole month.
Mr. Christensen has outlined that he has been playing Eve Online for over 15 years and is estimated to have lost nearly 60 days of actual in-game time per account, of which he had many. A total of 2 years of lost game time across all accounts is estimated to have been lost. He is currently seeking damages in the form of an exclusive in-game cosmetic cat-themed skin for one of his ships or a hefty financial settlement.
A representative of the Danish Competition and Consumer Authority issued a statement alongside the ruling.
“There is little precedent for such cases. And we are treating this as a test case for undeclared service denial. Of course, unforeseen hardware and software failures are known to everyone and this is not what the case focuses on. CCP Games knowingly disbarred their customers each day for a set period fully within their control without due compensation. We would not expect this from a car or television, and it will not be tolerated. ”
CCP Games declined to comment but was adamant about their innocence in the matter.
Alliance leaders across New Eden celebrated the election of CSM 17 candidates this year by installing new drone link augmenters. These high slot modules have an item description of “increases drone control range all the way to Rykjavik.”
“This is a great new item to manage our drones CSM representatives,” said alliance leader The Mittani. “Before we had to use marionette strings, and those would get so tangled up. The last in-person CSM meeting looked like an orgy of pasty white nerds held together by fishing line .”
The new wireless drone control augmenters increase the control range of CSM members by thousands of kilometers, and can be further buffed if alliance leaders train “Selfish Bloviated Rhetoric” to level 5. “I AM NOT A DRONE. BEEP BOOP BEEP,” said four time CSM member Brisc Rubal. “ENGAGING TARGET,” Rubal said as he proceeded to run over to attack a small desk lamp.
Himlar Veigar Petursson took to the stage during Fanfest to proudly recall most of his 20 years working on EVE Online, during a six hour presentation in front of a cloth screen, but made special mention of his latest “And greatest!” contribution to the sprawling space epic. A system of charts, checks and balances he has dubbed “The Space Diversity Tool.”
Himlar went on to explain just what it does all while gesticulating wildly at the clearly awe-struck crowd, which made it difficult to make out just what he was saying through his thick Icelandic accent. What could be surmised is that this radical, game-changing tool would be immediately put to use “correcting grievous missteps” in the past regarding “how fleets present themselves” as well as “awareness of problematic compositions.”
Examples were shown, some more offensive than others, but all in service to further Himlar’s point that something needs to change. According to him, this is already taking place and has been behind the scenes for some time now.
“I didn’t let staff play the game they work on, discuss and develop 8 hours a day 5 days a week because I wasn’t willing to let Kotaku or [fine, upstanding publishing by media such as The Eve Onion, the Galaxy’s Finest News Source] say that we, the developers and caretakers of this vast and obscenely complex world, where toolin’ around in, I hate to say it, Minimtar Hurricanes.” A slide was then shown on the dimly-lit overhead projector, leaving the crowd wondering just why the self-dubbed “cutting edge” studio would use technology straight from the 1990’s. On it was clearly displayed a ship, called The Hurricane by those who partake in Eve Online: The Second Genesis. Beside it was a graph detailing in immense detail just how unmistakably phallic it was, contrasted sharply by the racially insensitive coloration of the hull. What did all of this mean? Himlar was immediate and to the point – Using an extending wand, a metal pointer, he rhythmically beat upon the fabric of the projector screen which shimmered and shook as if a violent wind had gripped it. No, it was no wind, but just how riled Himlar had become at the mere sight of this masculine, weaponized obelisk.
“For too long we’ve been held back by this kind of outdated, insensitive and perhaps even hateful content. This isn’t player designed, this isn’t even something players have control over – when this appears on your screen, it’s already too late. And what about twenty? Fifty? Fifty ships at once in your face and they all look like the male genitals?” Himlar was practically out of breath by this point, but the movement of the crowd showed that clear interest in what he was saying. A sharp inhale later and Himlar was off to the races, going on to further explain that “This, this lady and gentlemen” (In respect to the female in the crowd) “Is why players only give [Eve Online, The Second Genesis] fifteen minutes, tops, before quitting. It’s disgusting, and I am personally apologizing to every man, woman and child who has had to put up with ships that are not heavily tested beforehand using intense focus-group sessions before being curated extensively by upper management and in full regard to sterile fact checkers of every race, creed and colour before arriving upon my desk for approval, so I can send it off to our parent company in Korea.”
“The Rifter”
Examples flowed one after the other, all receiving roars from the crowd with what I could only assume was approval. “The Rifter” was worthy of a pause. Himlar went on to highlight all the various odds and ends about its design, including a few things that not even I had considered when I first glanced at its unique chariot-esque shape. Most of which is too offensive to be detailed here.
I am no expert but perhaps with a newly-awoken Himlar at the helm of CCP, he can turn this ship around.
In a surprise announcement, CCP Games introduced a new system allowing players and devs to rate each other both in and out of the game. The “Social Credit Assessment & Tally System” or SCATS for short will help clean up the riff raff ingame and at events hosted by the game developer.
The system will go into effect next month. Players with a positive score will receive discounts on Plex, subscription prices, and other unannounced packs. Those with negative scores will have their characters muted in game and eventually given enough feedback, banned from the game and in person events and will have to “purchase” SCAT tokens to get their accounts in good standings again.
Devs will also be subject to these positive and negative scores. The devs with higher scores will have increased responsibility while devs with negative scores will be given more “free time” to play other games or work on their resumes.
CCP Games says they hope to provoke a more positive and less toxic environment by putting the power into people’s hands to create polite society amongst the players, devs, and community alike.
EVE Onion applauds CCP Games’ innovative SCAT System and hopes in the long run that people will embrace SCAT.
Although details on the new Caldari-Minmatar pirate faction are sparse, we have secured details on yet another potential faction-specific overheat bonus. As a quick recap, the following overheating bonuses and benefits have been leaked thus far:
Overheating ECM doubles strength but reduces range by 50%
Overheating drones will increase damage, speed, and tracking, but will start a countdown timer. At the timer’s expiration, the drone will explode (even if returned to drone bay), doing the same amount of damage as the drone received since being launched.
Overheating missile and projectile weapon systems at the same time will double the overheat bonus of those weapon systems.
We also believe Cal-Min ships and faction modules will have an additional overheat benefit: If a module sustains 69% damage, Durable Upgrade Cohesion Thermal tape may be used to “repair” the module. Modules repaired with DUCT tape continue to function indefinitely while overheated but cause heat damage to adjacent modules at twice the normal rate. Each module repaired in this manner has a 5% chance of causing the host ship to detonate, causing damage to the surrounding environment and ships. Modules repaired with DUCT tape cannot have damage repaired or be unfit until Module Optimizing Nano-Engineering Ylem fluid is applied.
Additional details on DUCT tape and MONEY fluid are pending, but a partial list of new reaction formulas seem to suggest that PLEX are part of the materials manifest.
More to come, and thanks to our embedded assets for the dank leaks!
Outside The New York Police Department HQCommissioner Keechant Sewellin addresses the assembled press in an effort to quell panic spreading on social media over reports of a chemical weapon attack on the Lexington Avenue Line.
“Members of the press and public, I am here to reassure everyone that the earlier reports of a distressed man throwing glittery dust substance on fellow passengers while screaming about quote ‘boosts’ was not a chemical weapon attack. The dust has been analyzed and found to be a mixture of baking powder and Miley Cyrus fuchsia colored glitter. Completely harmless and all passengers have been checked by paramedics and found to be in good health. The individual is still at large, and is mentally unwell, please call the police if anyone makes a sighting so that he can get the help that he needs.”
51st Street Station earlier today was the scene of panic when a crazed passenger boarded a train and immediately began throwing a colorful glittery dust on passengers and screamed “Get the links up people! Wait for calls!”. Passengers immediately began to panic and rush to neighboring train cars. The assailant then fled the train as it pulled into the next station and he disappeared into the crowd.
Police continue to hunt for the troubled individual but are relying on the public to assist in apprehending the “glitter booster” as the public have dubbed him. Online commentators quickly put together a likely explanation for this bizarre event and identified that the man was most likely an Eve Online player and may have succumbed to a energy drink induced mental break. This is not the first time an Eve Online player has had a public breakdown over stress caused by the MMORPG. Most recently a player was tasered in a COSTCO after barricading the exit to the store and preventing customers from leaving in an effort to set up a so-called “Gate Camp”. Police were forced to taser the individual and found that he had not slept for over three days due to his obsession with the game.
For any sightings please call 911 and do not attempt to approach the individual.
The war on drugs and major crime took a new direction last night after a SWAT team breached the residence of a suspected major criminal, backed up by police helicopters, and a full HAZMAT team from the Office of Nuclear Energy. Their intel turned out to be correct, in a sense, until it was discovered to be in the virtual world of Eve Online.
CIA Spokesperson, Julia Thomas, in a press briefing issued an apology to the local community for the mid-night disturbance to the neighbourhood in downtown Texas. Residents were stunned when their front gardens became a scene from a major action movie, with helicopters lighting up the sky, armoured vehicles roaring down the streets, and chemical weapons lorries setting up shop outside the community duck pond.
“Even though our information was not entirely correct, we would like to remind the greater community that we are committed to fighting organised crime in all forms.” Julia Thomas commented as she concluded the interview.
Information requests have since revealed that the CIA had been actively monitoring online chat, messaging, and popular VOIP program Discord for criminals taking their work online. The system reportedly scans traffic and communication for keywords and the Eve Online player turned out to trigger many major red flags which launched a full fledged $10m investigation and operation to apprehend the individual. Many in the wider public have been thoroughly alarmed at the massive intrusion into their personal online activity sparking numerous lawsuits.
Declassified documents released by the CIA as a gesture of goodwill in the defense of their actions, showed the individual known in-game in Eve Online as “Best Cocaine Prices” (yes that’s his name!), acted and spoke just as you would expect a major drug lord and arms dealer would do and took his role play very seriously. He would share plans, schemes, scams, and barter for many hours each day in between his other hobbies of fighting in chat rooms over anime adaptations, among other things. Most is heavily redacted, apart from the numerous animated pictures he shared, quite a collection, many only had to be censored for nudity.
Included in the thousands of Discord logs were comments on how well his drug production is going and the amazing profits he is making by dealing arms of all kinds (lasers were mentioned which should have been a giveaway to the agent who combed through them). The biggest flag to the CIA task force turned out to be the uranium enrichment program he has set up to make nuclear reactors (in game of course, turns out the game has those as an in-game commodity duh!).
Best Cocaine Prices asked not to be named in press interviews but said he was quite flattered that the government took his role playing and his little operation so literally and it would be a fun story to tell at the next game meet up in Iceland. He was quite concerned over the enormous amount of money dedicated to taking his virtual empire down.
The CIA has since updated its training regimes to include greater clarifications and ways of identifying legitimate crime to help prevent such a situation from happening again. They have also terminated other operations which seem to have identified other Eve Players. Many things are legal in Eve Online, scams, pyramid schemes, drug manufacturing and trading, and corporate espionage just to name a handful so no surprise it flagged up, it is just surprising how long it took.
