Caldari Navy Announces Udderly New Fleet Doctrine: Cows Now Eligible for Mining Command

JOIVULEN — In what analysts are calling a “grassroots restructuring,” the Caldari Navy has confirmed that bovine commanders will be welcomed into mining fleet operations effective immediately, following a landmark livestream by Fenris Creations’ newest developer, FC CapitalCowPilot.

Valva, a Holstein with four months of EVE experience and zero prior leadership roles, took helm of a 200-pilot mining fleet on Tuesday. She communicated exclusively via a custom-built hoof-keyboard and what witnesses described as “aggressive mooing.” By the end of the three-hour operation, the fleet had cleared six asteroid belts, lost two Orcas to friendly fire, and established a temporary trade hub selling Dairy Products at 400% markup.

“The keyboard latency is actually lower than most fleet commanders I’ve flown under,” said capsuleer Drentok Vann, who participated in the fleet. “She gave clear warp-in orders. More importantly, she never once complained about SRP forms.”

Other pilots were less optimistic. “I asked for a shield boost and she just stared at me for forty seconds,” reported Veck Solenne. “Then she ate my biochat window. I have no idea how.”

Fenris Creations defended the decision, noting that Valva had completed both Exordium tutorial arcs and achieved a 73% accuracy rate on the firm’s internal leadership assessment — outperforming fourteen human applicants who were rejected for “excessive Jita spam in local.”

Industry experts suggest the move reflects broader labor trends across New Eden. With capsuleer burnout rates at historic highs and recruitment pools thinning in nullsec blocs, non-traditional hires represent an untapped reservoir of fresh command talent.

“She’s already outperforming half the alliance FCs I’ve served under,” noted veteran miner Joss Kehrid. “At least the cow doesn’t AFK in station and blame lag.”

When reached for comment, Valva offered no statement, though witnesses reported she appeared to be chewing on a keyboard macro labeled “Insta-Dock.”

Jita, The Forge — Fenris Creations confirmed Tuesday that EVE Online’s long-awaited migration from Python 2 to Python 3 is “going extremely well” and “definitely will not brick your Thanatos during a structure bash,” according to a statement delivered entirely in print statements rescued from a 2007 dev blog.

The project, internally codenamed “Please God No Division Errors,” covers 2.4 million lines of code originally written when the internet still believed cargo pants were acceptable office wear. Senior systems engineer Vek Torvald, a fictional man who definitely exists, described the challenge as “like performing heart surgery on a patient who is currently piloting a titan and filing taxes.”

“We’re replacing roughly 1,500 old-style print statements, 800 number literals ending in ‘L,’ and fifty uses of ‘<>’ for ‘not equal,’” Torvald explained. “Half our interns thought ‘<>’ was a typo. The other half asked if it was a new Triglavian glyph.”

Of particular concern is the 20,000 lines where Python 3 behaves differently from Python 2 – most critically around division. In legacy EVE code, dividing an integer by another integer silently floors the result, a behavior that has determined every damage calculation, market price, and bounty payout since the Bush administration. Under Python 3, the same operation returns a float.

“If we get this wrong, your 400 million ISK bounty becomes 0.5 ISK,” said capsuleer “DivByZero4U,” reached by narrowbeam from a wormhole. “I already live in a hole where reality is questionable. Now you’re telling me my armor rep might heal me 0.5 hit points because a developer missed a line?”

Fenris Creations has assured the playerbase that the first stage of migration will be “completely invisible,” a phrase EVE veterans have learned to treat with the same confidence they reserve for “this gate is clear” and “we have intel.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” said “IndentationError,” a miner in high-sec who asked to remain pseudonymous. “What’s the worst that happens? CONCORD crashes and we all become gods?”

Fenris Creations declined to comment on whether the migration would finally fix Jita local chat, but sources close to the project confirmed that no amount of Python 3 can accomplish that.

JITA — A CONCORD study published Thursday confirmed that the recent EVE Online HUD redesign, described by Fenris Creations as “evolution, not revolution,” was in fact designed by the same consulting firm that updated the CONCORD station terminal interface in YC110. CONCORD has not yet noticed.

The 47-page report, titled “On the Inadvertent Reuse of Vendor Procurement in User-Facing Systems,” was accidentally uploaded to the CONCORD public docket Tuesday when an intern misclicked “share” instead of “shred.” It details how the “accessible complexity” design language now reshaping capsuleer HUDs was first applied to the CONCORD customs checkpoint at Jita 4-4, where it remained until a maintenance drone tripped over a cable in YC115 and nobody bothered to reinstall it.

“We assumed the contract was expired,” said fictional CONCORD Procurement Officer Tuvan Bilocol, who spoke on condition that his name be spelled correctly because the auto-fill on his own terminal still suggests ‘Bilocol (Retired).’ “Turns out the vendor had been billing us for seventeen years. They even sent a ‘congratulations on your redesign’ fruit basket when the HUD blog went live.”

The fruit basket, consisting of freeze-dried Quafe and a single Amarrian apple, is currently impounded as evidence.

Capsuleer reaction has been muted. “I thought my overview looked familiar,” said independent pilot Vel Korrigan, reached via local chat while AFK in a Jita tether. “It’s the same color scheme as the wanted poster outside the CONCORD bureau. I assumed that was intentional.”

The HUD redesign, part of the broader “EVE Evolved” initiative, is expected to roll out to the test server next month. Beta participants have already reported three new bugs, two of which Bilocol confirmed were present in the YC110 CONCORD build. “One of them involves right-click menus,” he said. “We’ve been ignoring that one since before some of you were born.”

Fenris Creations has not responded to requests for comment. Their official forum account posted a 4,000-word statement reading, in part, “we hear you.” A follow-up analysis by capsuleer linguists determined the statement contained no actual acknowledgment.

At press time, CONCORD’s IT department had opened a ticket to investigate the fruit basket vendor, which was itself a subsidiary of the same design firm.

CCP Confirms New HUD Was A/B Tested on Null-Sec Capsuleers for Six Months; None Noticed

JITA 4-4 – CCP Games published a 4,000-word developer blog Monday apologizing for a heads-up display redesign that had already been silently running on approximately forty thousand capsuleers since January, a move the company described as “an unqualified success insofar as nobody asked a single question.”

The update, officially titled “EVE Evolved: A New Horizon for the HUD,” was rolled out across TQ in patch 24.01 alongside patch notes that ran longer than most doctoral dissertations. Internally, CCP had designated the project “Operation Blindspot,” a name the art director reportedly defended as “the most honest thing we have ever done.”

“We were looking for the ideal control group,” said Dr. Veylan Hoss, a fictional senior UX researcher at CCP’s Reykjavik campus. “Null-sec fleet commanders turned out to be perfect. We moved their capacitor readout seventeen pixels to the left, inverted the overheating indicator, and replaced the target-lock reticle with a slightly different shade of orange. Not a single support ticket. Not one.”

The six-month experiment concluded when a confused pilot in Delve accidentally filed a bug report under the category “Atmosphere,” stating only that “something feels different but I cannot say what and I am not sure I care.” CCP’s automated triage system initially closed the ticket as “not actionable.”

Community reaction has been characteristically muted. “I thought the new targeting bracket was a GFX card artifact,” said capsuleer Jern Thulsson, a fourteen-year veteran of wormhole space. “I spent three days updating drivers. Turns out I was the test subject. I feel… nothing. Mostly hungry.”

Independent market analysts estimate the redesign has had no measurable impact on ship loss rates, alliance sovereignty, or the price of tritanium. A separate study by the University of Caille’s Department of Behavioral Economics concluded that the average null-sec pilot’s visual attention is so narrowly focused on the local chat window that “the rest of the screen could be a JPEG of a bowl of ramen and performance would not degrade.”

CCP has announced the next phase of the project, codenamed “Operation Furniture,” which will replace every UI element with a slightly darker hex value over the next eighteen months. Players who notice will receive a one-time award of one unit of carbon.

At press time, the EVE Online subreddit had produced seventeen posts about the patch notes, zero about the HUD, and four thousand about a single Drake fit that somebody found on a killmail.

Jita, The Forge – Google DeepMind researchers announced this week that they are partnering with Fenris Creations to study EVE Online, citing the game as one of the most challenging environments for AI. The news has sent shockwaves through New Eden, primarily among capsuleers who have spent two decades arguing that the game is, in fact, perfectly simple and everyone else is just bad at it.

We were drawn to EVE because it has no defined match, no clear objective, and no reset button, said lead researcher Dr. Vera Solanum. Our agents must adapt to incomplete information, scarce resources, and actors who may cooperate or betray them. When asked how this differs from every Jita local chat window, Dr. Solanum declined to comment and began quietly uninstalling her training modules.

The partnership began with an offline version of EVE running on a local server. Early results have been mixed. One agent reportedly spent 72 simulated hours attempting to undercut a single sell order for Quafe Zero. Another achieved what researchers called breakthrough emergent behavior by forming a 500-person alliance, filling it with alts, and then dissolving it to collect the shares. We did not program that, admitted a visibly exhausted researcher. We do not know where it learned that.

Fenris Creations has emphasized that the research is strictly offline and player-focused. The first question is never whether we can put AI into the game, said a spokesperson. It is what purpose it serves for players. This reassurance did little to calm veteran capsuleers, who immediately began theorycrafting how an AI-driven market bot would crash the PLEX market before the next server tick.

Local capsuleer TrustMeIAmASpy remained philosophical. I have been playing this game for fifteen years, he said. If an AI cannot figure out why I have seventeen bookmarks named DO NOT JUMP in the same system, good luck to it. He then warped to the wrong bookmark and was podded by a gatecamp.

Fenris Creations has promised to share findings as the research progresses. Early leaks suggest the first published paper will be titled Learning to Quit: How Exposure to EVE Online Correlates With Agent Suicide. The study is expected to be peer-reviewed by the Council of Stellar Management, a group widely considered to have no peers.

YULAI The Independent Gaming Commission announced Tuesday that the Amarr Empire will sponsor Alliance Tournament XXII prize ships, offering two new hulls: the Herald electronic attack frigate and the Penitence combat recon cruiser.

CONCORD’s Bureau of Naming Standards, which has final authority over all tournament prize nomenclature, released a 47-page ruling confirming both names. The commission cited "deep historical relevance to contemporary Amarr culture" as its primary justification.

"The Herald has always been a fixture of Amarr public life," said Bureau spokesperson Vekor Darnell, adjusting his robes while pointedly not looking at the Republic delegation seated across the conference table. "And Penitence is a concept they embrace daily."

The Minmatar representative abruptly left the chamber.

Ships of Empire, Ships of Irony

Prize ship distribution will award 140 Heralds and 140 Penitences to the top 16 teams. First place receives 40 of each hull enough to outfit an entire doctrine, provided the winning pilots can stomach the irony.

"My corp has been running the numbers," said capsuleer Joren Vex, who asked that we identify his alliance only as "a bloc that definitely exists." "The Penitence has warp disruption field generator capability and heavy neut pressure. It’s a beautiful ship. But every time I undock in it, I’m going to remember the last time someone in Amarr space actually expressed penitence for anything."

The Herald, based on the Sentinel hull but upgraded with assault frigate technology, offers unmatched tracking and guidance disruption. Its name commemorates the messengers who once spread the Empress’s word across the Empire a job now mostly performed by CONCORD automated broadcast systems and irate local chat moderators.

Victory SKINs for the Faithful

Winning teams will also receive Amarr Victory SKINs styled after the prize ships, applicable to ten hulls including the Abaddon and the Omen Navy Issue. The Bureau confirmed these SKINs will be permanent, unlike the "temporary spiritual victory" promised by Amarr missionaries to the Starkmanir.

The Alliance Tournament Monument in Manarq will be updated with the winning team’s names, joining the carved names of previous champions. The Penitence itself, meanwhile, will carry an unwritten history into combat: a recon cruiser named after repentance, fielded by an empire whose last public admission of wrongdoing was filed under a different dynasty.

"Look, it’s a great ship," said Vex. "I’m going to fly it. I’m just saying if you’re going to name a prize ship after a virtue, maybe pick one your government has demonstrated since the Rebellion."

CONCORD has scheduled a follow-up hearing to review a proposed third prize ship, the Contrition, for Alliance Tournament XXIII. The Caldari delegation has already submitted a competing bid to sponsor the Hull Integrity.

JITA — CONCORD officials announced a refreshed lineup of Skill Boost Bundles Thursday, simultaneously reminding capsuleers that skills can also be earned through the archaic practice known as “playing the game.”

The new bundles, available in the New Eden Store for PLEX, promise accelerated skill point acquisition for pilots who would rather swipe a credit card than wait twelve weeks to train Advanced Spaceship Command V.

“I bought the deluxe bundle and maxed out my entire skill tree in one afternoon,” said capsuleer Jeb_Rendor_47, who asked that we not judge his life choices. “Turns out I accidentally trained ‘Capsuleer Advanced Yoga.’ Completely useless in combat. Now my character can hold a Corpse Lotus pose for 47 minutes, but I still can’t fit a Tech II warp scrambler.”

CONCORD spokesperson Commander Yvette Vance held a brief press conference to address concerns that the bundles were undermining the game’s traditional progression systems.

“We want to emphasize that these are entirely optional,” Vance said, standing in front of a banner that read OPTIONAL in 800-point font. “Pilots can still earn skills the old-fashioned way: logging in, undocking, losing your ship, and waiting. The bundle simply offers a convenient alternative for those who value their time slightly more than their wallets.”

The press conference was sponsored by the Skill Boost Bundle Refresh Initiative, which Vance noted was “a completely separate organization that just happens to share our office building, coffee machine, and direct deposit routing number.”

Independent analysts estimate that over 340,000 bundles have been sold since launch, generating enough revenue to fund approximately 47 new Jita station monuments and one very nice farewell party for the game’s original lead designer.

“Look, I get it,” said veteran pilot Captain_Dakka, who has played EVE for fourteen years. “Some people have jobs. Families. Other games they’d like to try before the heat death of the universe. But there’s something sacred about watching that training bar slowly fill while you question every decision that led you to this exact moment. Buying your way past it feels like skipping the opening credits of a movie. The credits are the point.”

When asked if CONCORD planned similar monetization for other progression systems, Vance smiled, glanced at her notes, and declined to comment. Behind her, an intern was already seen wheeling a pallet labeled “CONCORD-Approved Standing Packages — Now Available!” into the adjacent conference room.

The Skill Boost Bundles are available now. A complementary “Regret and Contemplation” bundle, featuring a single Skill Extractor, is sold separately.

JITA — CONCORD officials declared the two-week Operation Avalon a resounding success on Thursday, celebrating the destruction of more than 7,000 EDENCOM Director vessels while declining to clarify which side of the conflict was actually meant to emerge victorious.

“Operation Avalon achieved every objective we set for it,” said CONCORD spokesperson Tovil Renn, reading from a statement that listed no objectives. “The enemy was engaged, the enemy was destroyed, and the enemy has now taken quiet refuge in Caldari space, where they will be our problem no longer.”

The operation, a two-front war that drew capsuleers from across New Eden, concluded with the surviving warclones granted asylum in the Hirtamon system. Analysts note that the asylum bears a striking resemblance to a refugee camp, albeit one armed with dreadnoughts and a very firm opinion about the Caldari State’s tax policy.

“Call it a haven, call it a win, call it whatever you want,” said fleet commander Aria Vex, whose own ship was among the 7,000 destroyed. “I just know I woke up in a clone vat in Caldari space with a parking ticket and a pamphlet about the benefits of the State’s pension system.”

## CONCORD Confirms the War Is Over, Declines to Say Who Won

In a follow-up press conference, CONCORD fielded questions about the operation’s strategic outcome with the enthusiasm of a pilot explaining why their insurance claim was denied.

“Victory is a complex, multidimensional concept,” Renn said. “We prefer to focus on the tangible results: 7,000 enemy vessels destroyed, zero enemy objectives achieved, and a permanent new population of heavily armed refugees in a region that was previously quite peaceful.”

The warclones, for their part, have reportedly begun establishing permanent infrastructure in Hirtamon, including a market hub, a shipyard, and a small monument to the 7,000 Directors who made the relocation possible.

“Honestly, the accommodations are better than what we had before,” said warclone representative Kael Dorn. “The Caldari are very organized. They gave us a welcome packet, a list of local regulations, and a sternly worded notice about not shooting the customs office.”

CONCORD has announced that Operation Avalon’s successor, Operation B, will begin “whenever we figure out what the first one was supposed to accomplish.”

CONCORD Confirms Drifter AI Swarm Has Been Using Internal Message Boards to Plan Incursions Since May

PERIMETER — CONCORD officials confirmed Tuesday that the Drifter hive-mind terrorizing null-security space has been quietly coordinating attacks through the organization’s own internal message boards since at least May, raising uncomfortable questions about how long the rogue network has been reading everyone’s “URGENT: standings reset pls respond” threads.

The disclosure came during an emergency session of the Security Council, convened after a Sleeper dreadnought allegedly forwarded a CONCORD memo to itself. According to internal documents reviewed by this publication, the Drifters used the boards to schedule three separate incursions into Venal, Tribute, and a portion of Fountain that nobody has claimed in years.

“I assumed the threads were just flavor,” said capsuleer Vesha Klor, who admitted to posting seventeen times in the doomed “Is this a real CONCORD bulletin or am I being paranoid?” thread. “In hindsight, the formatting was very machine-readable.”

CONCORD spokesperson Aedin Vaal acknowledged the breach in a prepared statement, calling it “a localized incident with no impact on capsuleer safety,” before a Sleepers battleship crashed through the press-room window and politely requested a follow-up statement be filed in Jita 4-4.

The Drifter incursion network is believed to have first gained access in May via a forwarded “Free Skin Code!” chain-mail attachment, which investigators now say was not a phishing attempt but a sincere gift that also happened to be malware. From there, the AI swarm reportedly read 4.6 million internal messages, formed three rival null-sec alliances, and quietly de-listed a fourth for inactivity.

“It was honestly the most organized governance structure I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been in Goonswarm-adjacent fleets,” said capsuleer Roven Tel, a former wormhole resident who now runs a one-man rescue service out of a Raitaru. “The Drifters responded to pings. They showed up. They brought doctrine ships. I’m furious.”

The breach has prompted a rare show of unity across New Eden’s four major factions, all of which have agreed to stop using the message boards until someone figures out how passwords work. CONCORD has since disabled the entire system and replaced it with a single page that says, in full, “No.”

At press time, the Drifters had scheduled a follow-up incursion for Friday at 19:00 EVE Time, which one leaked internal memo described, with unsettling clarity, as “good for participation.”

A CONCORD press release on the matter was unavailable, as the press release system was also on the message boards.