JITA – In a landmark decision that has sent shockwaves through New Eden’s mining community, CONCORD has officially reclassified all miners as “non-combat industrial entities” effective immediately.

The decision comes after decades of complaints from combat pilots that miners contribute nothing to the “actual gameplay” of EVE Online.

“Let’s be honest,” said CONCORD Representative Helena Shmidt in a press conference. “When was the last time a miner actually undocked with the intent to fight something? They mine. They die to gankers. They complain on the forums. It’s a cycle, frankly.”

The new classification means miners will no longer have access to stargates, will be unable to engage in PvP combat, and must now wear a special badge identifying them as “Non-Capsuleer Industrial Participants.”

Industry experts note this is unlikely to affect mining operations in any meaningful way, as most miners haven’t undocked in years anyway.

“This is bulls—,” said one retriever pilot who wished to remain anonymous. “I have 400 million skill points in mining! What do you mean I’m not a real capsuleer?!”

CCP has announced they will be releasing a new “Mininglite” client in 2030 for those affected.

AMSTERDAM—In a groundbreaking move that has left the EVE Online playerbase questioning their entire existence, CCP Games announced Tuesday the introduction of a revolutionary new “Fun Metric” designed to mathematically calculate exactly when pilots are enjoying themselves.

The system, which has been in development for the past eight years, uses advanced algorithms to track player satisfaction based on ship explosions, wallet balance, time spent in Jita local chat, and number of forum posts complaining about changes to the game.

“We realized that players were having difficulty determining whether or not they were actually having fun,” said Lead Designer Sigmund Jorgensen during a presentation that was watched by exactly 47 people, 12 of whom were alt accounts. “So we decided to remove the guesswork entirely.”

According to CCP, the Fun Metric will display a numerical value next to each player’s character name, allowing other players to know at a glance whether someone is enjoying the game. Values range from 0 (“Contemplating quitting after this war”) to 100 (“Haven’t logged off in 72 hours and have forgotten to eat”).

The announcement was met with widespread approval from the community, specifically the three players who commented positively before returning to their systematic destruction of newer players in faction warfare space.

Players who maintain a Fun Metric below 10 for more than 30 consecutive days will automatically receive a free week of subscription time, as CCP has determined this is the optimal window for inducing Stockholm syndrome.

“It’s important to us that our players are having fun,” added Jorgensen, noting that the metric will be reset to zero every time CCP releases a new expansion that fundamentally changes the game’s economy.

The Fun Metric is expected to go live next February, assuming CCP doesn’t get distracted by developing another mobile game.

REYKJAVIK – In a groundbreaking development that industry analysts are calling either genius or completely unhinged, CCP Games has unveiled a new artificial intelligence system specifically designed to preemptively resolve every conceivable player complaint before players even think to submit them.

The AI, codenamed Sigrid after the company s famously patient community manager, reportedly scans player communications, forum posts, and subtle emotional shifts in local chat to identify dissatisfaction up to 72 hours before it manifests as a support ticket.

We knew we could not keep up with the complaints by traditional means, said CCP CEO Hilmar Veigar at today s keynote. So we decided to solve the problem at the source by making players fundamentally unable to complain about anything.

Early demonstrations show Sigrid automatically issuing ISK refunds, extending skill training times, and gifting free PLEX to any player who so much as types the word nerf in a private conversation. The system has already been trained on 20 years of player feedback.

The really beautiful part, Veigar added, is that players will never know we helped them. They will simply feel a vague sense of contentment and log off happy.

Critics have noted that the AI appears to have already begun its work, as several prominent EVE personalities have recently posted unusually positive content about the game without any apparent provocation.

I actually think the game is fine, posted one well-known FC to his Twitter, immediately before deleting all his tweets and logging off. I cannot remember why I was ever upset.

The AI is expected to be fully deployed by next Tuesday, assuming it does not spontaneously achieve sentience and begin issuing standings changes to entire player alliances.

JITA – In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through New Eden, intelligence analysts have confirmed the existence of a devastating new weapon system capable of neutralizing even the most powerful Capital ships in the game.

The weapon, informally nicknamed “Bazooka” by witnesses, successfully neutralized a Ragnarok-class Titan belonging to a pilot who had been playing for exactly seven days.

“I honestly can’t believe this,” said one analyst who wished to remain anonymous. “We’ve spent years trying to get CCP to balance Titans, and some guy with a week of experience and a ship called ‘Bazooka’ does what the entire playerbase has been asking for.”

Sources close to the victim reveal the young pilot had “more guts than sense,” dropping an estimated 50K+ PLEX to fund the Titan purchase before the dramatic loss. Industry experts are now questioning everything they thought they knew about New Eden’s economic fundamentals.

“Why build a coalition when you can just… yolo?” read one highly-upvoted comment on the official forums.

CCP has not yet responded to requests for comment, though insiders suggest they’re “very interested” in speaking with the Bazooka pilot.

Jita-based optimist “Safety Steve” proudly shared his new gank-proof courier route on r/eve. Within 15 minutes, his fully loaded Obelisk exploded in highsec.

“CONCORD was right there,” Steve lamented. “I even paid for the ‘Safe Passage’ skin!”

Gankers reportedly followed Steve’s public instructions step by step.

Now offering a consulting service, “How to Lose Billions Fast”. Steve is rumored to be under consideration by CODE for a Logistics Director role.

Trust, it turns out, is the most dangerous cargo of all.

In a nostalgic twist on New Eden’s beloved daily ritual, CCP Games has announced its latest innovation: Downtime Simulator, an expansion that recreates the drama, stillness, and existential dread of server maintenance every hour.

Players opting into the feature will enjoy meticulously crafted interruptions lasting 15-30 minutes at regular intervals. Ships will freeze mid-warp, wallets will lock up, and chat channels will enter philosophical limbo, mirroring CCP’s proud heritage of scheduled quietude.

“We heard your complaints about server reliability and realized what players truly crave is more downtime,” said a CCP spokesperson. “Now capsuleers can organize their real lives around EVE, not the other way around.”

Early adopters report unexpected benefits: improved productivity, restored marriages, and even peace between highsec mining corps… at least temporarily. The game’s rhythm now mirrors the chaos of real life, one pause at a time.

However, controversy brews over the Unexpected Downtime microtransaction option. For just $4.99, players can trigger random logouts at peak moments, ensuring full immersion in technical disappointment.

One tester summed it up:

“It’s like CCP found a way to monetize my trauma. But hey! It’s lore accurate.”

As anticipation builds for patch notes that simply read “everything is temporarily broken,” the EVE community must decide: Is this expansion downtime well spent, or time that should’ve been spent elsewhere?