Imperium leader The Mittani announced an “EVERYTHING MUST GO!” sale at his online furniture store today on a special Twitch stream. “Given the recent wild and false accusations surrounding sexual misconduct in The Imperium, I am grooming the inventory and slashing prices,” he said.
“Wow, there are some fantastic deals on children’s furniture,” former CSM member Xenuria said before this reporter slowly backed away and Googled the phone number for the local FBI field office.
The Mittani’s online store, marketed as a “furniture store for men with mommy issues”, has struggled to take off, and reports are it is preparing to close its doors for the final time. “Just feel how soft this couch is,” said The Mittani pointing to what appeared to be an Ikea couch marketed to sad, lonely men.
“No, really! Come up and touch it. Just kind of walk by and accidentally brush your crotch against it,” The Mittani said, making air quotes with his fingers when saying the word “accidentally”. The Mittani then said that if the couch complains, he’ll simply relabel the couch as an “Amber Heard Hysterical Fainting Couch”, throw it out, and accuse it of starting drama.
Outside the store, current CSM member Brisc Rubal was passing out flyers. “Remember how when you used to buy a new couch you had that annoying red dot on your inventory icon that wouldn’t go away?” said Rubal, handing a flyer to a passerby. “I fixed that!” he said proudly.
When asked about the current accusations surrounding The Imperium, Rubal placed his fingers in his ears and started shouting “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALA!”
CCP Games, when asked to comment on the accusations of alleged sexual misconduct and subsequent coverup by members of The Imperium, issued a statement. “We promise to investigate this situation fully, and when the investigation is complete we will resolve it by offering a 10% off sale on all skill extractors,” the statement said.
“If you don’t take advantage of these prices, then you should kill yourself!” shouted The Mittani, as Goonswarm employees walked away in disgust.
