I recently sat down with a CCP spokesperson to discuss their latest endeavor. CCP has struggled with the wave of people unsubscribing and as they put it, “gloating on Reddit about it no less”. There was also mention of the desire to sell ships directly to customers but the “community” was up in arms because the ships weren’t “player built”.
“We had spent hours coming up with this plan to have the player base riot in Jita. How does the player base expect us to stay in business if people continue to leave and the loudmouths on Reddit stop us every time, we try to make a buck, DO YOU KNOW THEY DON’T EVEN PLAY ANYMORE!” AT this point the spokesperson was out of their chair, hands waving in the air. Then a calm came over them and still standing there staring at nothing a smile came over their face and said “That’s when it hit us, the perfect solution. We call it the Asset Safety Solution. Over the years people have left the game and naturally, their things end up in asset safety. What good is it doing anyone sitting in asset safety? You and I both these people are never coming back; we have made sure of that. Then there are the whales, they have all this disposable income and they want to be in ships. We have also made it so hard to build supers that even the whales have a difficult time purchasing these ships. So, we will bring the ships to the whales and the community can’t say a thing because we didn’t produce them out of thin air. From now on if you haven’t retrieved your assets within two months, they become the property of CCP and we will auction them off to the highest bidder. It’s a win, win, win, we stay in business, whales get the best ships to fly and the rest of the masses have ships in space so they can stop complaining. We will even throw a bone at the wormholers who are always saying we don’t think of them enough. With the release of the Asset Safety Solution patch, we will be adding asset safety to all citadels in Wormhole space. This will be the greatest update to Eve the player base has ever seen! We will be hailed as HEROES! THE PEOPLE WILL REJOICE AND CHANT CCP! CCP! CCP!”
The spokesperson left the room continuing the chant and was heard all the way down the hall.
