Outside The New York Police Department HQ Commissioner Keechant Sewellin addresses the assembled press in an effort to quell panic spreading on social media over reports of a chemical weapon attack on the Lexington Avenue Line.
“Members of the press and public, I am here to reassure everyone that the earlier reports of a distressed man throwing glittery dust substance on fellow passengers while screaming about quote ‘boosts’ was not a chemical weapon attack. The dust has been analyzed and found to be a mixture of baking powder and Miley Cyrus fuchsia colored glitter. Completely harmless and all passengers have been checked by paramedics and found to be in good health. The individual is still at large, and is mentally unwell, please call the police if anyone makes a sighting so that he can get the help that he needs.”
51st Street Station earlier today was the scene of panic when a crazed passenger boarded a train and immediately began throwing a colorful glittery dust on passengers and screamed “Get the links up people! Wait for calls!”. Passengers immediately began to panic and rush to neighboring train cars. The assailant then fled the train as it pulled into the next station and he disappeared into the crowd.
Police continue to hunt for the troubled individual but are relying on the public to assist in apprehending the “glitter booster” as the public have dubbed him. Online commentators quickly put together a likely explanation for this bizarre event and identified that the man was most likely an Eve Online player and may have succumbed to a energy drink induced mental break. This is not the first time an Eve Online player has had a public breakdown over stress caused by the MMORPG. Most recently a player was tasered in a COSTCO after barricading the exit to the store and preventing customers from leaving in an effort to set up a so-called “Gate Camp”. Police were forced to taser the individual and found that he had not slept for over three days due to his obsession with the game.
For any sightings please call 911 and do not attempt to approach the individual.
