In a memo to staff, Eve Onion News announced that we are now under new management. Over the last few months, a private investor took a keen interest in the Eve Onion and has negotiated for majority ownership via large sums of cash. Who is this mysterious patron? A little-known Icelandic philanthropist who goes by the name of Pilmar Hetursson.
We have faithfully reproduced the memo in its entirety:
“Heya dorks! I sold out. Hahaha, it was a boatload of cash too. Anyways, there’s a new owner of Eve Onion. His name is Pilmar Hetursson or something like that, and he’s kinda sus but I don’t really care now. You all are under new management ‘cause I am out! I’ll read your stuff from my new yacht though, promise. ;)”
While we do not know much about Mr. Hetursson yet, we do have a public statement made shortly after acquiring the illustrious news source today.
“I’ve watched this newspaper’s career with great interest. I know that there is no better time than now to act on my dreams. As of this moment, all senior writers and staff are undergoing a rigorous re-education program I have designed specifically for these fine people. We are bringing in a new management and editorial team. No longer will Eve Onion be a source of mocking and stinging satirical ridicule over m-, erm, CCP’s running of Eve Online! No longer will we see their efforts taunted and our methods blamed. I vow to make Eve Onion News a respectable and worthwhile news organization without bias or disinformation, something like INN!”
We here at Eve Onion look forward to working with you, Mr. Hetursson!
