The last few weeks have been a political and military disaster for PAPI leaders as their early and sudden withdrawal from the warzone ahead of their troops left a vacuum that Imperium forces rapidly filled. Within hours many PAPI controlled systems and structures were reinforced, and the ensuing carnage has been described as “astounding” as structures fell and evacuation convoys from Delve were repeatedly attacked. Due to logistical errors in navigation, many capital vessels were lost in the rushed withdrawal, with pilot error being the chief reason cited by PAPI generals. However, in an unprecedented show of humanitarianism, Goon Command has announced they will not target reporters in or around the warzone. 

The conflict that was reaching its second year in Delve resulted in mass casualties for both sides, but the razing of Imperium systems and structures was unlike any seen in recent history. For this destruction the Imperium swore retribution against PAPI combined forces. The retribution began early and swift, no structures or evacs spared from the wrath of the invaded. EVE Onion has reported on the invasion since the early days, attempting to provide unbiased articles for the benefit of all capsuleers. In recognition of the important, neutral role of Onion contributors and staff, Brisc Rubal provided us with this official statement:

With that we at the Onion are grateful, if not in agreement, and will proudly continue our efforts to bring unbiased reporting and opinion on the developments around New Eden. From Delve to Outer Passage, we will be steadfast in our duties, unburdened by fears of retribution. We would like to thank all parties for recognizing the importance of unbiased reporting, and especially to Brisc Rubal for his direct statement to EVE Onion.

You suck!

I hate you, you miserable wretch. You are so bad at this game. You never accomplished anything of interest or significance. All you do is follow other people, better people, and you aren’t even good at that. They carry you, but you are just deadweight. Everybody thinks you are an idiot. In fact, you are actually a moron, in real life. I’ve seen your terrible posting and all the stupid things you say. LoL. Look at your killboard. You are trash. I’m gonna come after, and I’m gonna destroy you. Go ahead, swipe your credit card and see what happens. 

Hahahaha. 

You didn’t think I’d come after you, did you? Look at you now, I bet you are scared. Hahahaha. Go ahead, respond in local. EPIC SALT. OMG. I’m taking screenshots. I’m live streaming your tears. I’m laughing at you so hard right now. Let me tell you, I’ve been playing this game a long time, and I’ve seen a lot of try-hard losers like you. It always ends the same. Look at your killboard. It’s gonna be red forever. You are an insignificant pleb. Some day, you will think about me, and I won’t even remember destroying you. 

Xaxaxaxaxa. 

I’ve got you now. Did you really think you could defeat me? ME? I will have you know, that there will be laughing at you on Reddit, and Twitch, and Youtube videos with epic music. This is your fate. You did this to yourself. Just look at your killboard. It’s gonna be the same color as local. There’s no escape. You might as well just logoff. Make sure to biomass on your way out. I’d ask for all your stuff, but you are so poor that it doesn’t even matter. Why are you still here? 

Wtf? 

It’s such a shit game really, the mechanics are total trash, and CCP always fucks with stuff they don’t understand. I clearly outplayed you in every way, like you don’t even understand how bad you are, but whatever. Unlike you, I don’t really care. I’ve got a real-life, and this is just a game. I’ve seen all those toxic posts and videos that you made. People like you are killing the game, this is why nobody wants to play anymore. I’m just here to have fun, and create content. Unlike you, I’m willing to actually accept a little risk and take some chances, but look how scared you were. You had to summon all your loser friends. Someday you are gonna look at your killboard and regret wasting your life on a video game. Go take a shower you no-life basement dweller. I’m gonna go outside, get some fresh air.

CCP thrilled their EVE Online player-base with a much anticipated announcement video last week. After being canceled for two years due to budget and manpower constraints, the game devs are bringing back the much-adored and sorely missed Alliance Tournament! However, there are some changes to the rules this time around that are sure to spice things up and ensure the comeback AT is the most pleasing yet. 

The official news article listed several details about the upcoming November Alliance Tournament including bringing back AT ships of the past as prizes, changes to the support of the event, Skins, and more. The news, broken with a 24-hour pre-hyped announcement video, was well-received by dozens of enthusiasts who have long awaited another shot at glory. There were some less pleased with the news, however, mainly voiced on Reddit. They argue now is not the time for such “bread and circus” when the player count is declining and the economy is in shambles. 

Surely to fire up both sides of the AT aisle, CCP has announced a plot twist on the official forums. This AT will be unlike any other: once teams have registered, elimination round contestants besides the team Captain will be entered into a lottery and then be randomly assigned to a team. Each elimination round will proceed after the teams are randomly reassigned. This ensures captains and members really stay on their toes and adapt, and will provide entertainment for those tuning in! This change may shock the tens of players who resubbed for the tournament, but it may just prove to be what’s needed to kick things up a notch after such a long hiatus for the official AT. 

I don’t like all the violent PvP nonsense that ‘modern’ society imposes upon CCP’s vision of the future. EVE Online is more than just a computer game, it is a statement about where we want to be in another twenty millenia. Do we really want to be squabbling like a bunch of children, bickering over veldspar. Are we mere primitives, who kill each other over trivial PI commodities? Aren’t we better than this? 

CCP has given us a choice. On the one hand, we can continue moving toward a dystopian future in which space terrorists are free to massacre and kill at will. A future in which capsuleers cast a pall of fear and terror. On the other hand, we could move toward a better tomorrow, in which the progressive forces of harmony are allowed to resonate across the galaxy. In such a future, capsuleers would be hailed as heroes, much like modern day social workers. 

The revisionist forces of virulent internet fascism seek to spread their trollish culture across New Eden, laughing with bemusement as peaceful miners and industrialists are murdered in cold blood. However, some of us have started to fight back. On the test server, Singularity, we are creating a new society which is built upon mutual goodwill and a desire to promote the common good. We frequently run mining fleets which are free from griefer guild harassment, and we share the profits equally amongst all. There are even a few individuals who for whatever reason are unable to join fleets, and we nevertheless give them a fair share, because it is not our place to cast judgment upon others. Every member of the community is valued, and none are left behind. 

I have recently been in talks with CCP, and representatives from Pearl Abyss, to discuss how we might best introduce our peaceful ways into the barbarian wastelands of the so-called ‘Tranquility’ server. One of the best ideas has been the idea of the Ore Pack. Currently, miners are forced to obtain ore by warping to a belt, where they are almost immediately set upon by rabid PvP basement dwellers. Driven into a frenzy, these wild-eyed ruffians fail to even consider the possibility of economic collaboration, and they begin shooting wildly as if they themselves were an NPC rat. Fortunately, the Ore Pack will solve this problem, once and for all. 

I’m pleased to announce that, in partnership with the Sisters of EVE, mercy is at hand for all who are oppressed by no-life space bully losers. For just $15 a month, CCP will deliver directly to your hangar a shipment of vital ores. To add a little excitement, each shipment has been randomized, and a few lucky winners will find their hangar filled to the brim with exotic specimens and rare ‘gold’ minerals. For an additional $5 per month, you will also receive a unique free fully researched blueprint. If you sign onto the premium plan, with a six month subscription, you can also conduct PI without leaving your hangar. NPC haulers will bring commodities to you, and all items will be fully insured.

In a tumultuous turn of events, it appears that beloved Brave Newbies personality, Dunk Dinkle, has been exposed as a secret leader of Goonswarm and a possible replacement for The Mittani. Rumors have circulated for several years that Dunk Dinkle enjoyed hanging out with the Bees, but a pile of photographic evidence has recently been unearthed that proves Mr. Dinkle is not just a sympathizer, but an actual handler, of the bees!

As you can see here, Dunk Dinkle is pictured commanding thousands of little bees, and is even training them to accept a new commander.

He has even been photographed receiving benefits and kickbacks from his efforts within the organization. Hinting at the importance of his role.

Mr. Dinkle’s actions indicate that he is in a leadership position, possibly in complete control of at least a large portion of the organization. This has led some to speculate that perhaps he is positioning himself as the spiritual successor to the aging supreme leader, The Mittani.

We have heard shock and outrage from the community over this betrayal of the Brave Newbies family, though Brave Newbies senior leadership has yet to comment on the developing scandal.

As COVID-19 restrictions ease across most of the regions most heavily populated by EVE players, CCP struggles to deal with unanticipated consequences. 

Accustomed to “working from home” while playing EVE full time, many EVE players have been forced to return to work in the office, reducing their available play time by an average of 60%. Many players are sublimating their disappointment with their work situation into rage against EVE Online and CCP. With less time to play, industry, incomes, and destruction all plummeted as a consequence of reduced play time, feeding Summer of Rage II. The Peak Concurrent User count steps backwards off the EVE learning cliff, feeding fears that when the Delta or Lambda variants of COVID-19 finally arrive and lockdowns resume, there will be only a skeleton crew of bots remaining in New Eden.

The rage is not constrained to the player base. CCP developers are also called back into work from the office. While CCP management celebrates the “opportunity” to return, and celebrates the “fun” they will have now that they are “all together again,” many developers are reportedly rather salty. “Oh, nice… we are locked in the house with nothing to do but play Among Us while dealing with months of dark, cold, and people asking if we’re safe from the volcanic activity, and now that Iceland’s beautiful summer is upon us we’re being dragged back into the office,” an anonymous developer complained. When asked about EVE play time, the developer responded awkwardly “Oh, no, there’s no point in doing that until… well, anyway, NDA, you know.”

CCP executive leadership offered this statement in response to discontent:

“_”

In order to keep up with the rising costs of managing an online fake news website, CEO OpusMagnum has made the executive decision to fire all staff, effective immediately. In place of thinking, mentally sound, mostly sober authors attempting to satirize the news and events of Eve Online, Eve Onion will now just focus on everything that is said on the Eve-related podcast, Talking In Stations, and then reprint it in text format. 

Having heard the recent TiS episodes, it is no surprise that the Eve Onion is moving in this direction. 

“I think this is a groundbreaking idea,” said OpusMagnum. “Rather than pay people to use their brains to think, reason, and communicate humorously, we can just not do that and save money. The more mistakes CCP makes, the more Matterall gets unhinged defending them. His every word has basically become the foundation of fake news and satire.”

Since Talking in Stations fills the needs of Eve Onion so perfectly, the news site will be able to operate with a small core team, consisting of a single person to do all the transcribing, editing, photoshop artwork, copy review, publishing, website maintenance, and advertising, and OpusMagnum, to take all the revenue and credit.

Posted as a notice on the front door of CCP Headquarters this morning was an announcement of the release for the latest EVE PLEX Package, the “Elite Player Retention Package” for only $200 million.

This package offers to help CCP recover their losses to come back stronger and better than before, it also comes with a complementary bundle of 110 PLEX.

A CCP insider recently told me “This package is truly essential to the lifeblood of this game, we have reached the summer months and the world is reopening from lockdown so the PCU is taking the traditional summer dip, this offer will help us retain players until everyone else returns to the game for our legendary third decade.”

The effects of the package currently remain to be seen, but we here have the utmost trust that they can manage the situation.

H.S.—A study performed by the Amarr Research Institute found a strong link between happiness and not knowing who The Mittani is.

“We found that players who do not know who The Mittani is or why there is a controversy around him are up to 850% happier than those who know anything about the person at all,” reads the study. “It seems there is a very strong correlation and possible causation here. Players who don’t know about him enjoy Eve Online much more and have a really optimistic disposition about other players.”

The study also found that players who don’t know who The Mittani is are more likely to be on comms, playing in wormholes, whistling in pure blissful ignorance, enjoying their family, corporation, and friends — while those who do know who The Mittani is are much more likely to currently be on Reddit and staring into the abyss.

“For your own mental health, we can’t recommend not knowing anything about The Mittani any more emphatically,” said head researcher Dr. Riyn Arturlo. “Seriously — it does wonders for your wellbeing.”

“BUT BEWARE! THOSE WHO KNOW WHO THE MITTANI IS, ARE LIKELY TO GO THE WAY OF MADNESS!”

At publishing time, you had googled “who is The Mittani” after reading this article and are now much less happy with your life.