Eve Online developer CCP Games has followed suit with many other online platforms and officially banned decisive public personality Andrew Tate from playing Eve Online. CCP games in a press release emphasised the need to protect the very few female players who play Eve Online from any possible reason to leave.
As of publishing there are a total of four female players who currently play Eve Online, down from five after a disgruntled player left the previous month. The most recent Leaver departed the game in protest, citing long term reluctance of CCP Games to introduce Hello Kitty themed cosmetic items.
For the past year female player numbers have been tracked alongside the monthly economic report, and up-till last month the number was a constant, no new female players, and no drop. The sudden 20% drop caused outcries of concern from the player base who demanded drastic action to quell the virtual female ghost town that is New Eden.
Some players reacted badly to the ban, citing improvements Andrew Tate’s persona brought improvements to player hygiene and leadership skills in larger alliances and power blacks.
Andrew Tate has commented on the ban and released a statement.
“Why would I even play such a sausage-filled virtual hotbox? Spreadsheets in space are for beta male manchildren who have never felt the embrace of the female body. I don’t even have an account anyway so how can I be banned? What next? A Roblox ban?”
A group of researchers watch in-game footage of 15 characters mining an asteroid for half an hour. After some time one researcher turns to the others and comments; “Which one is a real person?”. It turns out all of them were.
A leaked CCP Games internal memo has recently made its way out into the public to the great dismay of Eve Online players. Eve Online, to the general public, usually garners visions of backstabbing, soviet era espionage, grand schemes, and massive space battles.
Players of the MMORPG usually salivate at the constant internal drama and potential financial collapse of their beloved online game’s publisher, however counter-intuitive it may seem to outsiders. The love-hate symbiotic relationship between publisher and player base would make any PHD Psychologist shiver with interest.
But this time, the players are eerily silent on social media and their usual online gathering spots. Very little mention can be seen anywhere of the latest leak dubbed “Smart Rock Simulator” but the few willing to discuss the memo can do little but quel shame in their findings. What grande knowledge would make one of the most volatile gaming communities to remain silent over you may wonder.
The leaked memo blandly titled “Counter-botting in a bot simulator environment. Where to go now for effective detection where the player’s optimal behaviour is bot behaviour?” does seem to mean anything to an outsider but to an Eve Player the message is a blinding truth, to play Eve Online, you need to act like a bot, and the players have perfected this to the point where CCP Games and their anti-automation programs cannot distinguish player from bot.
CCP Games is essentially struggling to deal with automated player accounts and has run into the issue that it cannot tell the difference between a player and a bot because the gameplay in the MMORPG is so boring and repetitive that a bot essentially behaves like a player should and vice versa.
On the surface it’s not a big deal, most gameplay is pretty repetitive across many games but to Eve Online players, who already have to deal with “Internet Space Spreadsheet Simulator” it is another blow to their overinflated egos and the community is just ignoring the latest bout of painful truth.
Aspen (AP) – As you know, after the latest megadump, Progodlegend has been cruisin for dank pow. He’s shredding the slopes with crunchy steez, and impressing snow bunnies with totes gnarly double stomps. Not surprisingly, our bro has been feeling pretty good after that taco bail in EvE Online, where he held a yard sale in front of all the gapers and lifties. One day, the broski felt a funny vibration in his swag pants, and a warm fuzzy feeling filled his soul. Only one person has his secret digits, and that is his good buddy Vily (pronounced WIL-EE)!
“Bruh…” Progod said, listening intently as Vily tuned him on some groovy deets, “Bruh…” Progod tossed his chatter board aside, and ran as quick as he could into the nearest log cabin, where they were serving warm choco milk with shots of hard apple cider. Progod plugged in his laptop, and stared at the amazing message from GM CranberryVodka. “Bruhhhhhhhh…”
“Good news! Your alliance has been salvaged.
A CONCORD squad specializing in deep-space asset recovery has recently recovered the fossilized remains of an alliance from a debris field in nullsec.
While the alliance suffered catastrophic damage, CONCORD agents were able to bring it back to a serviceable condition through use of experimental quantum space-time re-stabilization technology (a closely guarded CONCORD secret).
Close examination of the debris revealed that you were a member of the TAPI alliance before its untimely extinction. In accordance with CONCORD protocol 357.C regarding salvage of Capsuleer owned assets, your TAPI has been returned to its former standing.
-Sincerely, your friendly neighborhood CONCORD police squad.”
Piggles couldn’t believe it, and he quickly logged into EvE Online to see for himself, “Bruhhhhh….” Everything was back just the way it had been, with the griefer Goons nicely contained in 1DQ. The Tower of Legends stood tall in the floodplains of T5Z, and all the brave pawns were obediently waiting for Dunk Dinkle to sacrifice them upon an altar to the vanity of Gobbins. Suddenly, a plan of strategic brilliance began to foment in the deepest recesses of his mind. As he watched the brave noobies jump into 1DQ, pgl wrote Vily and Gobbins a quick message, “Broskis, we should unanchor all the Keepstars, and don’t tell NC. I’m gonna hit the slopes.”
Controversy has arisen from the EVE community as a group of non-aligned pilots that specialize in High-sec ganking took matters too far; they decided to break the online wall to make their own justice for an event that seemed innocuous.
The battle of the bricks was supposed to be a fun time between Capsuleers, Star Citizen players, and the odd bitter vet. It was the perfect storm for a fulfilling family-friendly activity where the only thing that mattered was how ambitious you were and what ship model you chose.
It all changed last Monday evening when a group of pilots wanted to take their playstyle outside of the game, taking the event as a nice opportunity that miners are never safe not even in real life. The events transpired in the residence of the player identified as El’Miner, a famous player brought to the spotlight thanks to his Skiff Losemail becoming a common meme among Capsuleers.
El’Miner decided to participate in the even doing by remaking his iconic Skiff with an old Lego set they had lying around, being a bitter vet wouldn’t stop him from participating in such a nice event unfortunately, things changed as later in the night a group of 10 unknown people broke into his home, the security cameras installed let us see that they were wearing crude cardboard cutouts of the infamous Gallente destroyer ship, the Catalyst, and it seemed like their customs were painted using cheap spray paint.
These individuals proceed to smash El’Miner’s Lego Skiff to pieces using iron hammers, not leaving a single piece unbroken, then they proceeded to sit down on the ground until law enforcement came to the scene, according to their testimonials they “Didn’t want to flee from CONCORD as it would be an exploit”. All of their tools were left on the scene and according to our journalists the hammers had a piece of paper taped to them that read “Neutron blaster II”.
Fortunately, El’Miners and their family were out eating dinner at a local restaurant and the alarm system made a quick effort on alerting law enforcement of the home invasion, El’Miner will be pressing charges, and the only comment he made was to suggest a psychological evaluation be made to those involved in the bizarre incident.
As Sky Marshal Asher Elias ascends to the throne of Goondor, the end, long near, has finally arrived. Universally hailed as a decent human, and a self-professed Eve romantic, Asher seems to be the very hero the Imperium needs after the long, toxic reign of The Mittani. Thousands of former Goons will re-apply, and thousands more retired players will dig deep into their stash of PLEX as the sounds the resub horns reverberate and hopes rise in response to the promise of an opportunity to finally become either victor or vanquished – to become part of the story.
Early projections indicate that Imperium membership, already surpassing the peak concurrent user count on Tranquility, will spike over the next several months as Asher rallies the troops to prepare for war. By late fall, the vast majority of active players will be Goons, and the cement of the blue donut will finally cure. With all of New Eden under the glorious leadership of Asher Elias, no enemy worth the name will remain. Without an opponent, Goon interest will wane, then plummet with the January, 2024 release of The Elder Scrolls VI. Eventually, even the majority of Fraternity’s botters will move on. In the end, only a handful of bots, forgotten on VMs, will continue to log on daily to farm rogue drones until their supply of PLEX runs dry.
What can save Eve? Perhaps nothing. Or, perhaps, a villain will arise to restore balance to the New Eden cluster. Dare we hope that Fraternity will rise to oppose the horns of Goondor? Will The Mittani himself return to instigate a civil war to divide the Imperium? Will Rixx Javixx, Chance Ravinne, and James 315 join forces to become an unmatched pirate menace?
U.S. District Court Judge Roman Jablonski issued a restraining order today preventing players of the aging MMO Eve Online from playing other online games. The restraining order was requested by a consortium of MMO’s and online games including League of Legends, Elder Scrolls Online, World of Tanks, and more.
“The Eve Online playerbase is riddled with sociopaths, sex offenders, pedophiles, morons, stooges, and Dunk Dinkle,” the restraining order stated. “While it is true that the playerbases of the games requesting this order are full of toxic shitbags, I have, in my 26 years on the bench, never seen a more pathetic gathering of aberrant nerds.”
The restraining order prevents all current Eve Online players from joining other online games but does allow users to play in single-player mode.
“This is an outrage! We are a calm, peaceful playerbase,” one player said in a Reddit post with over 2,000 upvotes. “If the restraining order is not lifted, we will have no choice but to employee peaceful means of resistance, including doxing, swatting, contacting employers and feeding them malicious and false information, harassing loved ones, issuing death threats, mailing threatening items, and generally vilifying those who have wronged us until they want to commit suicide…
“Wait, who are we threatening again? Sorry, there are so many people I’m personally at war with I lose track of who I’m threatening sometimes.”
Judge Jablonski is currently reviewing the option to have the toxic Eve Online playerbase removed to the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository in Nevada for long-term storage. However, the Environmental Protection Agency has stated they are against this plan as they worry the playerbase will damage the nuclear waste already stored there.
Imperium leader The Mittani announced an “EVERYTHING MUST GO!” sale at his online furniture store today on a special Twitch stream. “Given the recent wild and false accusations surrounding sexual misconduct in The Imperium, I am grooming the inventory and slashing prices,” he said.
“Wow, there are some fantastic deals on children’s furniture,” former CSM member Xenuria said before this reporter slowly backed away and Googled the phone number for the local FBI field office.
The Mittani’s online store, marketed as a “furniture store for men with mommy issues”, has struggled to take off, and reports are it is preparing to close its doors for the final time. “Just feel how soft this couch is,” said The Mittani pointing to what appeared to be an Ikea couch marketed to sad, lonely men.
“No, really! Come up and touch it. Just kind of walk by and accidentally brush your crotch against it,” The Mittani said, making air quotes with his fingers when saying the word “accidentally”. The Mittani then said that if the couch complains, he’ll simply relabel the couch as an “Amber Heard Hysterical Fainting Couch”, throw it out, and accuse it of starting drama.
Outside the store, current CSM member Brisc Rubal was passing out flyers. “Remember how when you used to buy a new couch you had that annoying red dot on your inventory icon that wouldn’t go away?” said Rubal, handing a flyer to a passerby. “I fixed that!” he said proudly.
When asked about the current accusations surrounding The Imperium, Rubal placed his fingers in his ears and started shouting “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALA!”
CCP Games, when asked to comment on the accusations of alleged sexual misconduct and subsequent coverup by members of The Imperium, issued a statement. “We promise to investigate this situation fully, and when the investigation is complete we will resolve it by offering a 10% off sale on all skill extractors,” the statement said.
“If you don’t take advantage of these prices, then you should kill yourself!” shouted The Mittani, as Goonswarm employees walked away in disgust.
Outside Copenhagen District Court, Denmark. Advocate John Lancel stands alongside his client Villads Christensen and delivers a comment to the gathered press following the recent decision by the Copenhagen Appellate court to allow the case to proceed. The Appellate Court has overturned a lower court dismissal and has allowed their case to proceed against Eve Online developer CCP Games.
“This is a momentous occasion, let it be known that no matter the amount, however small and insignificant, a company cannot roam free in the consumer space abusing their customers without repercussions. CCP Games have violated consumer law, and have denied my client their services for a few minutes each day that he has rightfully paid for and is entitled to. Every second of lost game time is a second stolen from my client. And CCP Games must pay for this.” Advocate John Lancel jubilantly announced this to the press.
This latest development follows an earlier ruling by the Danish Lower Court in Elsinore, where the man currently resides and where the case was initially dismissed. The Elsinore Court apparently was not sufficiently experienced in online consumer law and did not adequately take into account the nature of online services and Danish Sale of Goods Act which covers virtual goods, services, and online fulfilled commerce.
The exact details of the case are withheld from the general public until the case concludes. Luckily, numerous, frequently updated, forums and social media posts by Villads Christensen provided updates on the lawsuit. Each day, he alleges, in the MMORPG Eve Online, the developer withholds access to the game, for a period ranging between 5 and 15 minutes in length in which the developer conducts server and game maintenance. He alleges that this infringes upon his consumer rights, and nowhere in the Terms of Service does CCP explicitly state that he would not be able to play the online game 24/7, the game charges by the month, and he wants the whole month.
Mr. Christensen has outlined that he has been playing Eve Online for over 15 years and is estimated to have lost nearly 60 days of actual in-game time per account, of which he had many. A total of 2 years of lost game time across all accounts is estimated to have been lost. He is currently seeking damages in the form of an exclusive in-game cosmetic cat-themed skin for one of his ships or a hefty financial settlement.
A representative of the Danish Competition and Consumer Authority issued a statement alongside the ruling.
“There is little precedent for such cases. And we are treating this as a test case for undeclared service denial. Of course, unforeseen hardware and software failures are known to everyone and this is not what the case focuses on. CCP Games knowingly disbarred their customers each day for a set period fully within their control without due compensation. We would not expect this from a car or television, and it will not be tolerated. ”
CCP Games declined to comment but was adamant about their innocence in the matter.
Alliance leaders across New Eden celebrated the election of CSM 17 candidates this year by installing new drone link augmenters. These high slot modules have an item description of “increases drone control range all the way to Rykjavik.”
“This is a great new item to manage our drones CSM representatives,” said alliance leader The Mittani. “Before we had to use marionette strings, and those would get so tangled up. The last in-person CSM meeting looked like an orgy of pasty white nerds held together by fishing line .”
The new wireless drone control augmenters increase the control range of CSM members by thousands of kilometers, and can be further buffed if alliance leaders train “Selfish Bloviated Rhetoric” to level 5. “I AM NOT A DRONE. BEEP BOOP BEEP,” said four time CSM member Brisc Rubal. “ENGAGING TARGET,” Rubal said as he proceeded to run over to attack a small desk lamp.
Himlar Veigar Petursson took to the stage during Fanfest to proudly recall most of his 20 years working on EVE Online, during a six hour presentation in front of a cloth screen, but made special mention of his latest “And greatest!” contribution to the sprawling space epic. A system of charts, checks and balances he has dubbed “The Space Diversity Tool.”
Himlar went on to explain just what it does all while gesticulating wildly at the clearly awe-struck crowd, which made it difficult to make out just what he was saying through his thick Icelandic accent. What could be surmised is that this radical, game-changing tool would be immediately put to use “correcting grievous missteps” in the past regarding “how fleets present themselves” as well as “awareness of problematic compositions.”
Examples were shown, some more offensive than others, but all in service to further Himlar’s point that something needs to change. According to him, this is already taking place and has been behind the scenes for some time now.
“I didn’t let staff play the game they work on, discuss and develop 8 hours a day 5 days a week because I wasn’t willing to let Kotaku or [fine, upstanding publishing by media such as The Eve Onion, the Galaxy’s Finest News Source] say that we, the developers and caretakers of this vast and obscenely complex world, where toolin’ around in, I hate to say it, Minimtar Hurricanes.” A slide was then shown on the dimly-lit overhead projector, leaving the crowd wondering just why the self-dubbed “cutting edge” studio would use technology straight from the 1990’s. On it was clearly displayed a ship, called The Hurricane by those who partake in Eve Online: The Second Genesis. Beside it was a graph detailing in immense detail just how unmistakably phallic it was, contrasted sharply by the racially insensitive coloration of the hull. What did all of this mean? Himlar was immediate and to the point – Using an extending wand, a metal pointer, he rhythmically beat upon the fabric of the projector screen which shimmered and shook as if a violent wind had gripped it. No, it was no wind, but just how riled Himlar had become at the mere sight of this masculine, weaponized obelisk.
“For too long we’ve been held back by this kind of outdated, insensitive and perhaps even hateful content. This isn’t player designed, this isn’t even something players have control over – when this appears on your screen, it’s already too late. And what about twenty? Fifty? Fifty ships at once in your face and they all look like the male genitals?” Himlar was practically out of breath by this point, but the movement of the crowd showed that clear interest in what he was saying. A sharp inhale later and Himlar was off to the races, going on to further explain that “This, this lady and gentlemen” (In respect to the female in the crowd) “Is why players only give [Eve Online, The Second Genesis] fifteen minutes, tops, before quitting. It’s disgusting, and I am personally apologizing to every man, woman and child who has had to put up with ships that are not heavily tested beforehand using intense focus-group sessions before being curated extensively by upper management and in full regard to sterile fact checkers of every race, creed and colour before arriving upon my desk for approval, so I can send it off to our parent company in Korea.”
“The Rifter”
Examples flowed one after the other, all receiving roars from the crowd with what I could only assume was approval. “The Rifter” was worthy of a pause. Himlar went on to highlight all the various odds and ends about its design, including a few things that not even I had considered when I first glanced at its unique chariot-esque shape. Most of which is too offensive to be detailed here.
I am no expert but perhaps with a newly-awoken Himlar at the helm of CCP, he can turn this ship around.
