JITA — A capsuleer who has autopiloted through the Curse region a record 47 times this month has successfully petitioned CONCORD to add a “Scenic Jita Tour” checkbox to the standard navigation interface, agency officials confirmed Tuesday.
The pilot, identified in fleet logs only as “Kael Vorn,” filed his complaint three weeks ago after realizing he had warped past the same carbonaceous asteroid cluster outside the X-7OMU gate so many times he had named three of the rocks.
“I call the big one Gerald,” Vorn told The EveOnion from his Rifter, which was on autopilot through Niarja. “Gerald never changes. I want to see something that isn’t Gerald.”
CONCORD’s Navigation Oversight Committee reviewed Vorn’s 1,400-page petition — 47 identical screenshots, a handwritten star chart, and a haiku about Gerald — and voted unanimously to add the new routing option.
The “Scenic Route” feature, available now in all ship navigation computers, intentionally reroutes capsuleers through Uedama, Niarja, the contested pipes of Derelik, and, for capsuleers with particularly poor survival instincts, a brief detour through Providence.
“We believe in choice,” said CONCORD spokesperson Admiral Yvette Stahl. “If a capsuleer wishes to experience the full breadth of New Eden’s breathtaking vistas — including the breathtaking sight of thirty Catalysts decloaking off a gate — who are we to stop them?”
“I Wanted to See the Pretty Nebulae”
Within 24 hours of the patch, over 12,000 capsuleers had enabled the setting. The results were predictable.
“I just wanted to see the pretty nebulae,” said Caldari industrialist Mara Tessen from her new clone body in Jita 4-4. “The route took me through Uedama. I saw the nebula for four seconds. Then I saw my pod. I have now seen both 14 times.”
Tessen’s killboard now features 14 identical gank entries. “The killboard used to be my resume,” she said. “Now it’s just evidence.”
Back in Niarja, gatecamp operator Jorik Dael filed an official request to have his camp designated a “Certified New Eden Heritage Site.” “I’m providing a public service,” Dael said. “I help people see the inside of their own hulls. CONCORD should be paying me.”
When informed CONCORD was, in fact, indirectly responsible for routing thousands of pilots into his firing range, Dael smiled. “I know. Kael Vorn? Great guy. We gank him every Tuesday.”
Vorn, reached for comment while autopiloting through Uedama for the 48th time, expressed satisfaction with the new system. “Gerald was getting lonely,” he said, as his ship entered warp. “Now I have so many new asteroids to meet. There’s one in Niarja I think I’m going to call—”
His transmission cut off. His ship appeared on a killmail 14 seconds later. The wreckage was looted by a Rifter named “Gerald’s Revenge.”
The EveOnion’s travel desk recommends all pilots disable the Scenic Route option before undocking, or at least ensure their clone bay is fully stocked.
