NEW EDEN — Grandfather Flax, the veteran EVE Online player who posted an 84-page forum manifesto declaring he was ‘fundamentally betraying the sacred PvP fabric of New Eden’ and ‘trashing all his assets’ following the Exordium announcement, was reportedly observed in the rookie help channel this week calmly explaining to a new player why his Thorax was not, in fact, a good choice for a mission runner.

‘I have no idea who that is,’ said one observer. ‘Maybe it’s a different person.’

The 23-year veteran had previously announced on the official forums that he was ‘done with this game until CCP realizes what they’ve done’ after Fenris Creations introduced the Exordium region, a safe space where new players could learn the game without being blown up by bitter veterans who ‘just want to watch the world burn.’ The post received 12 downvotes and 3 sympathetic replies.

‘I spent 23 years building something real in this game,’ Flax wrote at the time. ‘Now some guy in a meeting decided New Eden needs training wheels. I’m not staying to watch it all burn. I trashed everything. You can’t have it.’

When reached for comment, Grandfather Flax clarified that he had simply ‘reorganized’ his assets into ‘a more tax-efficient configuration’ and that the help channel was ‘a legitimate strategy for content generation.’ He added that he was still technically not playing the game and encouraged others to do the same.

Fenris Creations has not responded to requests for comment, though a spokesperson noted that Exordium remains ‘very popular with new players’ and that ‘some people are still mad about it, which is fine.’

‘It’s not that the safe zone is bad,’ Flax told the EveOnion, adjusting his Thorax’s newbro fit. ‘It’s just that I, personally, am very angry about it. Now hold on, let me show you how to fit warp core stabilizers. Trust me, you’ll need them if you ever leave Exordium.’

**REYKJAVIK** — Fenris Creations invited capsuleers to Reykjavik for the official launch celebration of Cradle of War on June 9th, and by all accounts, it was a lovely time for the three people who attended voluntarily.

“While we prefer you be there in person, we understand that some capsuleers are busy shooting each other in various star systems,” read the evite, which sources confirm was sent to approximately 12,000 players and opened by about 400, of whom 23 actually showed up. “Those who cannot attend in person may watch our liveblog updates every 47 minutes.”

Attendees were reportedly treated to a video presentation of the four Military Campaigns, a 90-minute Q&A with developers who could not answer most questions, and a catered lunch that one attendee described as “fine, I guess.” The event’s highlight was reportedly the speech given by a Fenris community manager who opened with “o7” and then stood silently for eleven seconds before moving to the next slide.

“Truly a historic moment in EVE Online’s 23-year history,” wrote one forum user, who was not present but wanted to express disappointment from the comfort of his own kitchen. “Nothing says ‘galaxy-wide existential conflict’ like a catered lunch and a keynote about ship balance.”

Fenris has not confirmed whether a follow-up event will be held, but sources say another evite is scheduled for sometime in the next decade, location pending.

REYKJAVIK — Fenris Creations has announced the removal of 50 billboard advertisements from rotation across New Eden, replacing them with three new “evergreen, new-player-focused” billboards in preparation for a “new billboard cycle” set to begin sometime in early July.

The announcement, buried in the June 12 patch notes for version 24.01, was interpreted by players as a rare admission that the game’s advertising strategy had been, in the words of one forum poster, “aggressively mid.”

“I’ve been playing for six years and I still don’t know what any of those billboards were advertising,” said capsuleer Derek Hsu, a member of Pandemic Horde who admitted he had trained himself to mentally filter out all in-game advertisements the way his brain handles highway billboards in real life. “Turns out Fenris also didn’t know what they were advertising. Solidarity, I guess.”

The three replacement billboards are described in patch notes as “new-player-focused” and “evergreen,” a term that, upon inspection, appears to mean “less obviously broken than the previous batch.” Sources confirmed that at least two of the new billboards feature the words “THIS IS YOUR CHOICE” and “CAPSULEER DAY 2026,” both widely regarded as significant upgrades over the previous cycle, which players say reminded them of “a Geico ad made by someone who had never played a video game.”

Fenris Creations declined to specify what happened to the 50 removed billboards, though insiders suggest they were “decommissioned” in a manner similar to how nullsec handles structure timers — quietly, without fanfare, and with no opportunity for player engagement.

Community reaction was mixed. “This is the most meaningful quality-of-life improvement in the 24.01 patch,” wrote one poster on the official forums, prompting several replies pointing out that the bar for meaningful quality-of-life improvements had been set extremely low by the previous patch, which fixed an issue where NPCs would inexplicably adopt “a life of pacifism” once players drifted more than 100km from a Supply Depot.

Those NPCs, sources confirm, “have once again discovered their bloodlust, regardless of range.”

Fenris Community Manager Oskar Rennes issued a statement describing the billboard refresh as “a fresh canvas for storytelling” and encouraged players to “enjoy the new evergreen experience.” When reached for clarification on what stories the billboards were meant to tell, Rennes clarified that he had been told to write that line fifteen minutes before the patch notes went live and had not been briefed further.

The new billboard cycle is expected to launch in early July, by which point players estimate they will have once again trained themselves to ignore them entirely.

BREAKING

JITA 4-4 — A 27-year-old fleet commander from Hertfordshire who spent six thousand pounds and called in sick to his actual job for a virtual space war announced Wednesday that the experience was “more stressful than real life,” shortly before his entire alliance ceased to exist.

James Cunningham, a Pandemic Horde fleet commander who has logged more than 16 hours per day managing spreadsheets in deep space, reportedly adapted his sleep schedule to accommodate what he described as “gaming shifts” across multiple time zones. He is currently employed at a workplace that presumably pays him for showing up.

“It hurts to think about it as £50,000 rather than trillions of in-game currency,” Cunningham said, referring to the digital assets he spent years accumulating and then watching burn in a 14-hour online battle that involved zero physical movement.

The War of Ruses

The conflict—dubbed “The War of Ruses” by people who apparently do not understand what “ruse” means—began when a rival alliance transported an estimated £5 million worth of virtual goods across a pretend galaxy to attack Cunningham’s pretend home. Multiple players reportedly called their actual employers to report illness. Several have not been seen at their desks since.

“I didn’t expect everything to go wrong,” Cunningham said, describing the exact outcome that everyone who has ever played EVE Online expects.

Despite months of preparation, around-the-clock command sessions, and what historians are calling “a truly impressive amount of keyboard clicking,” Cunningham’s alliance was forced to retreat. The defeat was so comprehensive that Pandemic Horde disbanded entirely, leaving its members to find new pretend jobs in other pretend organizations.

Economic Impact

The battle destroyed an estimated £400,000 worth of player assets, according to developer Fenris Creations, which noted with a straight face that this is not an official figure. An independent spreadsheet compiled by a super-fan who contacted the BBC placed the figure closer to £700,000, proving that even in imaginary wars, people cannot agree on the numbers.

The losses included Titans, space stations, and what Cunningham described as “big-ticket items”—a phrase economists believe has never before been applied to digital spaceships that cannot be touched.

Cunningham himself lost approximately £200 worth of assets during the retreat, which he considers a success.

The Aftermath

Following the alliance’s dissolution, Cunningham has reportedly continued playing EVE Online, suggesting that the lesson was not learned. When asked if he regrets the time and money invested, he paused.

“It absorbed all the free time I was willing to give it,” he said. “And also some I wasn’t.”

His employer could not be reached for comment, as they were presumably busy hiring someone who shows up to work.

Reporting from Jita 4-4, where the coffee is free and the life choices are questionable.

REYKJAVIK – Fenris Creations invited capsuleers to Reykjavik for the official launch celebration of Cradle of War on June 9th, and by all accounts, it was a lovely time for the three people who attended voluntarily.

“While we prefer you be there in person, we understand that some capsuleers are busy shooting each other in various star systems,” read the evite, which sources confirm was sent to approximately 12,000 players and opened by about 400, of whom 23 actually showed up. “Those who cannot attend in person may watch our liveblog updates every 47 minutes.”

Attendees were reportedly treated to a video presentation of the four Military Campaigns, a 90-minute Q&A with developers who could not answer most questions, and a catered lunch that one attendee described as “fine, I guess.” The event’s highlight was reportedly the speech given by a Fenris community manager who opened with “o7” and then stood silently for eleven seconds before moving to the next slide.

“Truly a historic moment in EVE Online’s 23-year history,” wrote one forum user, who was not present but wanted to express disappointment from the comfort of his own kitchen. “Nothing says ‘galaxy-wide existential conflict’ like a catered lunch and a keynote about ship balance.”

Fenris has not confirmed whether a follow-up event will be held, but sources say another evite is scheduled for sometime in the next decade, location pending.

HEGGEM, CALDARI PRIME — In a move that has sent shockwaves through diplomatic circles across New Eden, the system of Jita has been officially granted independent status, severing all political ties to the Caldari State effective immediately.

The decision, formalized through emergency Concord legislation passed late last month, establishes Jita as a neutral trading hub administered jointly by Concord and independent security conglomerate EverMore. The Caldari Navy will retain operational control of the Jita IV-4 station, where traders will continue to be charged normal station taxes, but all other claims of sovereignty have been dissolved.

“This is a great day for interstellar commerce,” said EverMore operations director Kira Salu, speaking from the newly constructed Trade Embassy district surrounding Jita III. “Jita belongs to everyone now. That used to be true in a figurative sense. Now it is true in a legal sense too, which is much more important.”

The independent status comes with significant implications for capsuleers traveling through the region. Characters with poor standings to the Caldari State, or those currently engaged in warfare against Caldari interests, will no longer be attacked automatically upon entering Jita space. Concord officials emphasized that while the system falls under their direct administration, standard Capsuleer Conduct protocols still apply.

“Think of it as a public park,” explained Concord Administrator Jorus Kell in a press release. “Anyone can visit. Just do not cause trouble, or we will have to get involved.”

Reaction in the Caldari State has been mixed. Several prominent Caldari politicians have called the separation a “temporary administrative adjustment” that will be reversed “once things settle down.” Political analysts note that the same assessment has been applied to the Gallente-Caldari conflict for the past seventeen years.

“It is not like we needed Jita anyway,” stated Caldari State Representative Holt Araan, who once referred to Jita as “the beating heart of our civilization” during a 2023 budget hearing. “We have always been more than our trade hubs. This just proves we can stand on our own two feet. metaphorically speaking. We still need the hearts of our civilization, but now those hearts are located elsewhere.”

The new Trade Embassies established around Jita III, Jita VIII, and Jita II have already begun operations, offering Factional Warfare enlistment services alongside standard trade amenities. Analysts note this represents an incredibly efficient compromise that resolves all outstanding territorial disputes by technically changing none of them.

For traders and casual pilots, the practical impact appears minimal. Jita remains the busiest trade hub in New Eden, taxes at Jita IV-4 are unchanged, and the constant flow of pilots, ships, and ISK continues unabated. Some players have reported feeling “nostalgically sad” about the political separation despite experiencing no actual gameplay changes.

“I know it is just a fictional political reorganization in a video game about spaceships,” admitted veteran trader Marcus Ilum. “But something about seeing ‘Jita has become independent from the Caldari’ in the patch notes just made me feel like we lost something, you know?”

Representatives from the Amarr, Gallente, and Minmatar empires have all expressed formal congratulations to Jita on its newfound independence, though internal communications obtained through Concord data leaks suggest at least one major empire is “strongly considering” a trade embargo that industry experts say would accomplish nothing but hurt everyone including the initiating party.

r/EVE Reactions

User caldari_nation_first
This is the greatest psyop in EVE history. They made us THINK we lost Jita so we would not notice them shipping our titans to Pochven. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

User RealPleb_Mining_Veldna
So I can multimine in Jita now without Concord shooting me? Wait, no, Concord already did not shoot me because I was in a freighter. Nothing changed except I feel sad now.

User NullSec_Williams
This is fine. Just a minor administrative adjustment. The Caldari Federation will reassert its sovereignty once negotiations conclude. Any day now. It has been only fifteen years.

User MinmatarPride_NA
You love to see it. The Intaki Syndicate situation was bad optics but this? This is proper decolonization. Good for Jita. Good for the cluster. Liberation theology applies to trade hubs too.

User CaldariPatriot_2019
This is a GUNPOINT decision and everyone knows it. You think the Caldari just gave up their most valuable system? Somethings wrong here.

User MarketAnalyst_Toru
okay but can we talk about the 5% additional market fees for non-instant orders in highsec. focus on the real issue here.

User Jita_Four_Only
I have been trading in Jita 4 for twelve years. Nobody is ever going to replace it. Sure the new players go to Fus Eis or whatever but real traders know where it is at.

JITA — In a development that has shocked absolutely no one who has ever flown with him, a local pilot who operates seventeen accounts simultaneously has once again failed to win a one-versus-one engagement, sources confirmed Tuesday.

“Look, when you’re managing seventeen pilots at once, there’s a lot of cognitive load,” said the pilot, who has been “elite PVPing” for fifteen years but has never successfully landed a kill without bringing at least three fully-staged fleets. “It’s not about the individual skill of any one toon. It’s about the collective.”

Fellow corporation members reported that the pilot, who insists on being called “The Commander” despite having no actual leadership position, recently held up an entire roam for forty-five minutes while waiting for his alt characters to “get into position.”

“He had his logistics character bookmarking a safespot while his main was warp-disrupting a Catalyst,” said one frustrated corp mate who requested anonymity because they still needed the pilot’s moon mining payouts. “Meanwhile, his three alt Catalysts were just sitting there, probably alt-tabbed to another screen.”

When asked about the engagement in question, which reportedly ended with the pilot’s Cyclops Prime pod escaping while his entire fleet of seventeen ships was destroyed, the pilot insisted he had “totally won that fight” and that the enemy pilot was “absolute garbage” for not honoring the 1v1 after he brought eight support characters.

The pilot then logged off to go run L4 missions on all seventeen accounts, because “that’s where the real ISK is.”

Friends of the pilot say they’re holding an intervention next Tuesday, though early estimates suggest the pilot will show up with fourteen of his alts and claim the rest died in a separate, unrelated conflict.

This article was brought to you by Training Formations: Making Alts Since 2003.