The End is Nigh

Deep in the heart of the blue doughnut, the most elite nullbears met to give ferocious battle to their fierce PvE opponents. Krabmaster explained, “This is what EVE is really about, we are the best players in the game, and we earn the best rewards because we can handle the best content. Nobody can touch us, we are so f*****g invincible.” 

Their blingy titans and supercarriers blazed away with relentless precision, destroying their enemies and outwitting them at every turn. Botman2.0 was likewise proud of his accomplishments, “The AI is really quite adaptive, and I constantly have to be operating at peak performance.” Indeed, many nullbears were convinced that they were legitimate professional gamers, engaged in an e-sport as competitive as any Minecraft creative build contest.

However, at CCP headquarters, dark minds had other plans. Laughing with evil glee, CCP *REDACTED* chortled, “Bwahahahaha. Like PvE do they? Elite PvE they say?” Suddenly, the elite nullbear fleet was in a fight for its life, unlike any other. Vily cried, and Makalu died. Krabmaster began to scream, “IT’S TOO HARD! IT’S NOT FAIR!” The enemy advanced, striking hard against blue doughnut central headquarters. Ever the hypocrite, Botman2.0 whined loudly on voicecam, “Stupid mean pubbies discriminate against me. I’m gonna tell the Kremlin to boycott Jita. We don’t need this hardcore world of warcraft content. We are a PvP guild, and this PvE stuff is just dumb!” The blue doughnut loudly declared their misery, boldly declaring war upon CCP and threatening a boycott of Jita to the immense amusement of the entire galaxy.

However, CCP *REDACTED* had anticipated this threat, and was already prepared for the second stage of his plan. With a bemused smile, he picked up his nerfhammer, and quietly muttered to himself, “Like PvP do they? Elite PvP they say?” Suddenly, the voice of Olmeca Gold was broadcast across the galaxy, barely audible beneath the soaring score of a poorly chosen classical music track, “something…something…I am Olmeca Gold, and this is a story of late EVE…bla bla…something…bla.” Indeed, the endgame had begun, as was foreshadowed here at EVE Onion. Recognizing the grotesque obesity of the nullbears, CCP *REDACTED* was determined to cut them down to size. It was time to cull the herd.

The lights began to flicker from one of the blue doughnut to the other. Quietly, one after another, gaudy neon signs offering FREE ISK and PORN ON DISCORD began to blink off. There was a great screeching sound, heard from the Delve to the Cobalt Edge. The machinery of the empire shuddered, convulsing as Botman2.0 watched in shock, while years of narcissistic delusions of grandeur began to slip away. In the belts, miners froze in their tracks, unsure whether to dock. In the anomalies, the bot VNIs spun aimlessly, with no hivemind to command them. In the shadows, invaders began to appear. Creepy wormholers, unwashed lowsec ruffians, and highsec law enforcement. The nullbears turned to and fro, unsure what to do, where to go, and the darkness kept inching inward. On that day, they realized too late that “null” means “no”.