CCP’s most recent update to Eve Online has confused and surprised the population of New Eden. “Wormhole’s still exist? I guess I didn’t know” one Capsuleer told reporters after being informed of the update patch notes and articles published last week by CCP Dopamine.
“Yeah, I used to run around in wormholes.” A pilot in Deklein said, “Or was that Jove space? Which one used the Sister’s probey things again?”
The majority of those interviewed either didn’t know that wormhole space was still a playable area of the game or didn’t care. A pod of porpoise pilots in a Highsec ore belt said:
“WHBTW is soooo last decade.”
“It’s a mehm!”
“You mean meh-meh…”
“SERIOUSLY people? It’s pronounced meem”
“Of course it is, dear, it’s just not a thing we do anymore. There wasn’t anything good about it, so everyone left.”
Many citizens of New Eden echoed these comments, with some of the more popular responses being, “I didn’t know people still did that” and “why would CCP waste time developing for an area of the game that’s super niche and caters to only .01% of the population, when we have real game breaking issues to deal with, like hyperinflation from the overabundance of combat anomalies and the unlimited availability of mineable resources in nullsec?”
One unique perspective came from a pilot we found multi-boxing super-carrier class Nyx’s in Esoteria. “Man, I love J-Space!” he said as his heavy fighters bombed a wave of Sansha pirates at a rock haven. “It’s some of the best travel options around. There’s that nerdy pacifist group that keeps all the maps up to date and scans out the different connections for you, too! Plus, we’ve figured out that if your fleet is too big for the hole, you can time it so that everyone jumps on the same server tick. You get more ships through than you normally would, like a cheat or something! It’s a great way to travel around New Eden undetected, and surprise your enemies.”
This wormhole loving Nyx pilot was outnumbered though by his wormhole apathetic alliance friends who just shrugged their shoulders and walked away.
The update (released Tuesday) comes with an apparent treasure trove of goodies for the die-hard wormhole dwellers of New Eden, if any still exist: With infinite loot drops from drifters, null-sec pirate anomaly spawns across all wormhole classes, extensions to all structure timers caused by corporations that have violated wormhole bushido, a 3x increase in the spawn rates of connections out of wormhole space, and the long-awaited addition of asset safety. At last count there were still 12 active accounts on a discord channel dedicated to the praise of “bob”. Six of them claimed to be active wormhole pilots while the other six pilots just reacted with emotes to the others.
At time of publication CCP Games has declined to comment, citing ethics and privacy policies restricting them from disclosing any information about exactly who they intended this update for.
