In a shocking move, CCP Games, the developers of the popular space-themed MMO, Eve Online, have announced a new microtransaction that allows players to automate their Planetary Industry (PI) without ever leaving the comfort of their station. The announcement has been met with mixed reactions from the game’s community. According to CCP, the new feature, called “Planet Bot”, will allow players to set up their PI operations, and then let the software take care of everything else. “We understand that Planetary Industry can be a tedious and time-consuming process,” said a CCP spokesperson. “So we decided to give players the option to automate it, for a small fee, of course.” The new feature has been met with both praise and criticism. Some players are excited about the prospect of being able to focus on other aspects of the game, while others are concerned about the impact it will have on the game’s economy. One player, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “This is ridiculous. CCP is essentially selling players the ability to cheat. It’s not fair to those of us who put in the time and effort to do things the right way.” Another player, who goes by the username “MoneyMaker”, said, “I’m all for this new feature. It’s a great way for me to make even more ISK without having to put in any extra effort. Plus, it gives me more time to focus on my other businesses.” CCP has defended the new feature, stating that it was designed to enhance the gameplay experience, not to give players an unfair advantage. “We believe that Planet Bot will make PI more accessible to players who may not have had the time or patience to do it manually,” said the spokesperson. Despite the mixed reactions, CCP is confident that Planet Bot will be a success. The company has already begun advertising the new feature on its website and social media channels, and players can expect to see it in action very soon. Whether or not it will have a significant impact on the game’s economy remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: Eve Online will never be the same again.

EVE’s players were pleased as CCP released the news of a new Web3 game with the world-famous blockchain technology based in EVE’s universe, this game has been coded as project awakening and has received an inversion of 40 million USD. 

Leaks obtained through dubious ways that might or might not have included dumpster diving in Reykjavik yielded surprising information regarding the new project awakening, it turns out Hilmar got inspired by the long-requested dream of Capsuleers of being able to have kitty ears on their characters and took it to a new dimension. 

Space Crypto Kitties! this new Web 3 game will be what all Eve enjoyers and crypto bros were waiting for, Eve online characters as lovely NFT Kitties! They also promised that there would be rarity and variation between empires and even rare Drifter Kitty NFTs to collect and sell! It will also include top-tier JPEG gameplay wildly known in the crypto game community as “the best thing ever”, and will genuinely be the awakening of CCP’s profit by the hand of Andreessen Horowitz, known and well-trusted investors that will surely lead the project to completion. 
This is a market that CCP yearned for for the last couple of years, as they weren’t able to continue with their golden plan of introducing the Hilmcoin and Killmail NFTs. The news comes as the marketing team prepares for the flood of brand new players from the crypto ecosystem that are sure this will be the game that will make them millionaires!

In a stunning announcement today, the developers of EVE Online, CCP Games, revealed plans for their latest expansion, “Real Life Integration”. According to CCP, this new expansion will blur the lines between the game and real life, offering players a truly immersive experience unlike any other.

“Real Life Integration is the next logical step for EVE Online,” said CCP Games CEO Hilmar Veigar Pétursson. “Our players have always been passionate about the game, and we want to allow them to take that passion to the next level.”

The new expansion will feature a range of exciting new features, including a direct link between players’ in-game characters and their real-world identities. This means that players will be able to access their in-game characters using their real-life bodies, allowing for seamless integration between the game and reality.

CCP has also revealed plans for a new “Real Life Market” where players can buy and sell real-world goods using in-game currency. This includes everything from groceries and household items to cars and real estate.

“We believe that Real Life Integration will revolutionize the gaming industry,” said Pétursson. “Our players will no longer be limited to the confines of the game world – they will be able to bring EVE Online into their everyday lives.”

However, not everyone is excited about the new expansion. Critics have raised concerns about the potential for real-world conflicts to spill over into the game, as well as the potential for players to become too immersed in the game and neglect their real-world responsibilities.

Despite these concerns, CCP Games remains confident that Real Life Integration will be a huge success. The expansion is set to launch later this year, and the gaming world is abuzz with anticipation.

Stay tuned for more updates on this groundbreaking new expansion as they become available.

Horde threatens to “take the ball home” after The Andres incident!

The afternoon of march 7th went with a surprising drama incoming from pandemic Horde as Gobbins announced that they would uphold support of the war as the infamous Colombian Menace, Andres Afanador, took another victim inside Pandemic Horde’s territory right as standings should have been blue. EVE Onion’s top-tier investigator and chief window-licker provided us proof that it wasn’t the case on Frat’s side. 

Gobbin’s reasons to be upset derive from Noraus siding with Andres when even before the incident it was asked for him (and his corp) to be removed from Frat as they had previous beef with NC and Horde. It all derived from bad timing, old drama and Frat’s fuck up in fixing standings quickly enough, ending up in Gobbins threatening to “Take the ball home” and letting Frat play alone the war they started against the other grown-ups. 

Our vast spy network that is monthly paid in leftover cheerios had been able to confirm that Afanador’s corp has been kicked from Frat, making his reign of terror and cloaky camping against Horde come to an end; their whereabouts are unknown at the moment. It is a conclusion that no one truly expected after Noraus’s initial response of “Lol, Lmao” when Gobbins kindly asked for Afanador’s expulsion. 

On another note, Eve Onion congratulates Frat for recruiting a brand new corp into their ranks, highly specialized in black-ops content. They are a Spanish-speaking corp known as Latino Enterprises led by their CEO Andreas Mafanador, he’s said to be a different face for Frat and a great drama-free content creator!

In a recent forum post, CCP Elamef Laer outlined plans to increase the friendliness of Eve Online to female players and to increase their participation in the budding virtual space simulator overall. At this stage, passive bonuses that cover player fleets are the starting point and CCP Games will be monitoring and making further changes as necessary.

A snapshot of the post can be seen below.  The system is currently active on the game’s test server “SISI”, and thousands of players have already been hard at work testing it out.

• In an effort to increase the participation of female players in active fleets, for every verified*** individual active and participating in the fleet, the fleet will gain a passive buff per participant. Bonuses do NOT apply to capital ships, fighters, and capital-sized modules. Bonus attributes will appear in the same manner as command bursts with a new icon to reflect this specific fleet bonus.

• 1.1% Bonus to base speed and velocity of all ships.
• 0.5% Bonus to all subcapital weapon damage.
• 0.5% Reduction in activation cost of energy and hybrid turrets.
• 0.5% Bonus tracking and falloff of all turrets.
• 0.75% Bonus to drone speed, tracking, and damage. 
• 1.75% Bonus to velocity and explosion radius of all missiles.

•  A diminishing returns system is in place to prevent a fleet with excessive numbers of female players from overpowering an equally sized, but lacking, opposing fleet.

• Bonuses at this stage are marginal and designed to encourage a diverse and vibrant fleet composition without impacting player activity in a significant manner. 

• CCP appreciates the difficulty that players may experience in pursuit of obtaining the above bonuses, but we are confident players are industrious enough to gain the conditions necessary to receive them. 

***To prevent player exploitation of this new bonus mechanic, the bonuses will only be applied once a CCP employee, ISG representative, CSM member (in good standing), or other approved representative verifies the account holder as a female player via webcam and/or receives a copy of a valid governmental document at CCP’s sole discretion. Random spot checks of players are to be a requirement to combat fraudulent bonus acquisition. Any player currently generating a bonus outlined above or in future changes in line with the new CCP Policy is required to have a working webcam, and/or said governmental document to hand and be willing to submit to a short notice verification check or risk losing their account.

As to be expected, Eve Online number crunchers have identified that having 7 female players in the fleet is the most effective, any more sees an insignificant additional bonus per extra participant due to the diminishing returns system in place. 

Fleet doctrines are being formulated to take this new advantage into account. Pandemic Legion has already announced “Bring your mom to fleet” player drives with monetary rewards for those who can bring in bonuses for the alliance. Low-Security Space mafia group, SnuffedOut, has announced a similar drive “Female Friendly Fridays” where only the Fleet Commander has voice and chat privileges alongside the female players.

Of the four remaining females playing Eve Online since the most recent departure, demand is going to be high, to say the least. The MMORPG scene has been devoid of female players for some time now. And CCP Games are to be venerated for their efforts by society at large.

Data released this month by the developer of Eve Online, CCP Games, to their parent company Pearl Abyss revealed 20% of the female player base left the game. This has stirred the concerns of feminists and advocacy organizations globally. The game struggles to retain female players and the developer is scrambling to stem the tide of leavers. (of the female kind of course)

Data revealed this massive reduction in the July game health report to Pearl Abyss shareholders. Female player numbers have been a near constant for a number of years prior to this sudden drop.

Community Manager “CCP Swift” confirmed the data’s accuracy on the game’s popular subreddit /r/eve 

“It is a sad day that I have to confirm that the data is accurate, last month one of the five female Eve Online players left the game. CCP Games is committed to player retention, and we are in emergency meetings to quell this exodus.”

A commenter on the same post revealed that they were the player who left and cited “Lack of Hello Kitty Skins being a major component of their decision”. Players echoed this sentiment and demanded changes be made to bring back this lost player immediately. Protests are being organized in-game and out to deal with this latest spate of bad news by many.

We will keep you apprised as the situation develops.

Picture: Unknown Government Agency – MMORPG Player Containment Department

High PLEX prices and increasing community discontent amongst Eve Online players are becoming a major concern for international cyber security agencies and government internal security departments. Fears of hobbyist militia leaders, scam artists, dedicated financial system breakers, programmers, and AI machine learning experts may leave the contained gameplay environment of Eve Online and escape into the wider public world. 

Meeting notes and correspondence has made their way in brief amounts to hacker forums and message boards. Noted are the increasing fears that the overzealous and dedicated player base may escape their contained hobby and bring their espionage, scams, programming, and financial skills among other concerning activities into the global environment to great destruction.

CCP games, the developer of Eve Online, has apparently been tasked over the last two decades of containing “problematic” citizens across the world into a contained environment where their talents can be implemented without harm to society at large. However, this seems to be slowly failing and is near total failure.

Unpopular gameplay changes, subscription price rises, stagnant content, and persistent absence of Hello Kitty ship skins are having a major impact on player satisfaction and retention in the popular MMORPG Eve Online. Although recent Faction Warfare in-game changes have reinvigorated the player base to a degree, there are doubts of how effective small changes will be in the future of the game.

Noted example in one of the reports: one player has been implicated in the complete collapse of financial markets in the cryptocurrency spheer (LUNA, SOL are named) as well as the entire country of Sri Lanka. The exact modus is still being investigated but the cause has been narrowed down to this one individual who recently canceled their subscription prior to the events in the real world.

The CIA has recently started dedicating staff to playing the game and generating activity to slow down the decline of the community base. Eve Online bots are rivaled to none, and implementations in the real world would have devastating consequences for all, so naturally, the CIA has been purchasing them as well to keep their creators engaged and ingame.

“The expertise of Eve Online players is astounding, but their psychology is sadly not compatible with the world at large. The players must be contained at all costs” Commented an in-depth crisis report by an unnamed United Nations agency.

I recently sat down with a CCP spokesperson to discuss their latest endeavor. CCP has struggled with the wave of people unsubscribing and as they put it, “gloating on Reddit about it no less”. There was also mention of the desire to sell ships directly to customers but the “community” was up in arms because the ships weren’t “player built”.

“We had spent hours coming up with this plan to have the player base riot in Jita. How does the player base expect us to stay in business if people continue to leave and the loudmouths on Reddit stop us every time, we try to make a buck, DO YOU KNOW THEY DON’T EVEN PLAY ANYMORE!” AT this point the spokesperson was out of their chair, hands waving in the air. Then a calm came over them and still standing there staring at nothing a smile came over their face and said “That’s when it hit us, the perfect solution. We call it the Asset Safety Solution. Over the years people have left the game and naturally, their things end up in asset safety. What good is it doing anyone sitting in asset safety? You and I both these people are never coming back; we have made sure of that. Then there are the whales, they have all this disposable income and they want to be in ships. We have also made it so hard to build supers that even the whales have a difficult time purchasing these ships. So, we will bring the ships to the whales and the community can’t say a thing because we didn’t produce them out of thin air. From now on if you haven’t retrieved your assets within two months, they become the property of CCP and we will auction them off to the highest bidder. It’s a win, win, win, we stay in business, whales get the best ships to fly and the rest of the masses have ships in space so they can stop complaining. We will even throw a bone at the wormholers who are always saying we don’t think of them enough. With the release of the Asset Safety Solution patch, we will be adding asset safety to all citadels in Wormhole space. This will be the greatest update to Eve the player base has ever seen! We will be hailed as HEROES! THE PEOPLE WILL REJOICE AND CHANT CCP! CCP! CCP!”

The spokesperson left the room continuing the chant and was heard all the way down the hall.

In compliance with Texas Law and Customer Service V requirements, renowned shipping professional and YouTube’s fourth best commentator, Chance Ravinne (WINGSPAN TT) announced sale of the CEO role for WINGSPAN Delivery Services to Zeratul Sheppard for the astronomical sum of 31,000,000 ISK. This transition marks the formal end of an era largely acknowledged to have ended in 2020.

Emotional responses were positive, as hundreds celebrated the long-term contributions of this Eve Online luminary, and at least 31 pilots chimed in to blame Chance Ravinne for luring them into Eve Online.

But, This is EVE^tm – there is always more to the story than meets the eye.

Note, if you will, the following chart from the September 2022 MER:

In comparing the climb of Sleeper Component volumes beginning in 2020 with Chance Ravinne’s zKillboard history, a direct correlation between increased J-Space ratting and reduced Chance Ravinne activity becomes clear.

Inside sources confirm that WINGSPAN Delivery Services agents have increasingly expressed frustration that something approaching 65.9% of wormhole systems are empty, with 31% of the remainder full of botters multiboxers running fleets of Dreads or RR Praxis, and a paltry 3.1% of systems populated with the solo ratters and explorers making up the majority of WDS munitions delivery customers. Some Delivery Agents have even resorted to High-Sec ganking, ships without cloaks (!!!), and a few are reported to have strayed more than 2100m from the B274 in a desperate attempt to make quota.

Thus, the plot becomes clear, especially in light of the fact Chance Ravinne remains on the board, and reportedly holds a substantial quantity of highly valuable^tm WDS corporate stock.

WINGSPAN Delivery Services is using the announcement of Chance Ravinne’s “retirement” as CEO to bait solo ratters and explorers back into J-Space in order to expand munition delivery opportunities, and thus the value of Chance Ravinne’s stock holdings while serving to recruit unsuspecting players into near-slavery with promises of a 31 ISK annual salary.
WINGSPAN TT’s retirement is bait – rat and explore alone in J-Space to prove me wrong, or send 31,000,000 ISK to EVE Onion News.

In a recent investigative report EVE Onion found that more and more corporations are catering to the casual players of gaming. If you take a look at the r/evejobs board you will find that most of the corporations looking for members are using phrases like “Real Life comes first” or “Caters to IRL”.

As the average age of the EVE Online player continues to trend upward so does their focus away from the game. Spouses, children, jobs, education, and “gym time” are all competing for their precious hours of the day. This has led to capsuleers having to choose between feeding their babies when they cry or logging in for that red pen strategic operation they’ve been looking forward to all day.

We at EVE Onion believe this is the root cause of EVE’s decline in recent years. People are choosing real life over space pixels. Spreadsheets in space are being set aside so people can have meaningful interactions under the guise of “family time” or “one in a lifetime moments”.

We want to be the first news agency to say what CCP Games and the hardcore gamers of EVE Online won’t say. STOP CARING SO MUCH ABOUT THE OUTSIDE WORLD!
You heard us right. File for divorce, put the kids up for adoption, let the dog forage for food, and for Bob’s and Zorya’s sakes just get on unemployment or fake a disability. EVE Online needs dedicated gamers who are willing to go the extra mile and just live life one downtime to the next.

If you can’t commit then quit should be the motto coming from every EVE Online loving player that still finds the money or time to login!