Plot Revealed! CCP Hilmar Working With North Korea. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Plans For Takeover of Nullsec Sov Held By Imperium. CCP, at Hilmar’s direction, cripples player ability to defend territory with year-long effort to undermine EVE economy and military industrial capability.

Uproar has shaken up the Eve community this last week due to the Omega price hike!

Here in EveOnion, we were able to get a little sneak peek at the reasons for such an increase in price. 

Documents found from an old laptop found in a dumpster outside CCP headquarters in Reykjavik (Which had a little post-it on it that said: “Dispose of it properly – CCP Logibro :)” ) Revealed some crucial information about CCP finances and some worrying-long audio messages full with profanities in Korean. What little we were able to salvage due to the top-tier encryption, provided by coffee spills, revealed some of the reasons why the famous game developer company had to take such drastic measures. 

From over budgeting on volcano helicopter rides and CSM meetings, the last nail in the sinking burning coffin that is CCP’s decision making was the involvement of CCP with NFTs, as they had a wide scale project that involved a new currency named HilmCoins that would immortalize Kill mails as NFTs on a homebrew blockchain.

One last comment we were able to salvage from an email, made by CCP Hilmar himself, after the public announcements of CCP distancing themselves from NFT read: “I was this close on getting the damn Elminer’s Killmail NFT!” 

The announcement of raising Omega subscription cost was a heavy blow to many players. Naturally the player base was quite upset; rightfully so. Post-lockdown many people are finally settling and re-evaluating work-life balance, their finances, and even careers as a whole. One thing many capsuleers looked forward to with the return on some semblance of normalcy was Fanfest. That is, until of course, CCP announced a hike in subscription costs. Around 20 USD/month for one month of Omega time is no small ask, and many players are looking to reduce their number of subscribed accounts (subs), or unsubbing altogether. Hearing this, CCP have had to make a hard decision, and will now be offering refunds for Fanfest tickets in the form of Omega subscription for the purchasing capsuleer’s chosen accounts.

This year’s April Fools from CCP dropped in the form of another dev blog listing changes, along with a big “This is a Joke!” disclaimer. Upon reading the article it became evident that without this disclaimer the changes and quality would be indistinguishable from any given devblog. We have joked before that The Eve Onion will be out of business because we can’t top what CCP does, but in this instance, I feel a better April Fool’s would have been to not disclose this was a joke and left everyone feeling ambivalent as usual, and then simply never implementing the “GHOST” clone system or “Epic Insurance”. Nobody would have batted an eye until controversial changes didn’t happen.

As mobile gaming takes the world by storm, from simple word game puzzles to first-person shooters now being a mainstream form of entertainment on tablets and smartphones, King, makers of the ultra-successful Candy Crush, have entered the MMO scene and bought CCP Games. CCP Games is most well known for the cutthroat MMO that is Eve Online, where piracy is encouraged, corporate espionage is the norm, and spreadsheets rule the stars.

King, in a press release this morning, has assured all spreadsheet aficionados of Eve Online that there is no threat of candy-shaped enemies appearing in New Eden any time soon. King was hesitant to answer questions on future monetization of Eve Online and only assured the press that any microtransactions they introduce would be completely unobtrusive to the vast majority of players and not necessarily affect any space shenanigans the players get up to.

Players have already voiced their doubts on social media but King has assayed their fears with vague comments about kitty-shaped appendages appearing in the near future of Eve Online. King has engaged in the past with Sanrio, the makers of Hello Kitty, for collaborative ventures so we may see Hello Kitty piloted capital ships in the near future of Eve Online. Fluffy cat ears have been high up on the player desire list for the spaceships.

Pearl Abyss, the prior owners of CCP Games sold the developer to King for a reported $500m, netting Pearl Abyss a handsome profit having only just recently acquired the developers themselves.

CCP Games CEO, Hilmar Pétursson, declined to comment outside the studio in Reykjavík. It was reported by insiders that he struggled down the main staircase later that evening with three suitcases all bulging at the seams with unknown contents. A single visible $100 note protruding from an improperly zipped corner was seen on one of the suitcases but this could not be confirmed at the time of publication. 

Announcing the “Dev Friend for a Day” Pack! Tired of flying solo or have you ever imagined spending up to 8 hours with your favorite CCP Developer playing EVE Online? Now you can with this newest pack from CCP Games! Once the pack has been purchased a GM will reach out to schedule the date, time, and which developer you would like to spend the day with. You may take them on roaming, on a structure bash, high sec ganking spree, or go wormhole diving! They will be there for you!. Need that expensive to get T2 BPO? No problem! Have them spawn it for you as a souvenir of your day! (Dev’s may only spawn one item for you to keep past the purchased pack time.) Or maybe you wanted that faction Titan! Make it so with the simple request of your Dev.

CCP Games hopes that this experience will help humanize and ease player’s concerns over Devs not playing the game they work on.

The pack is set to go on sale for the low price of 16,000 plex!

CCP Games to release “The CCP Developer Experience Pack”! This pack is purchasable once per year per account. The pack provides a three day experience where you can fly the ships that CCP Devs can.

The Polaris and Coackroach will be fully fit and available to capusleers who wish to bring to bare CCP Dev firepower to their enemies.

During this 3 day period the ships once destroyed will respawn in the players home station unlimited times.

Our source from within CCP Games says the initial price of the pack would be 2860 Plex or $99 USD.

With the announcement of the new depression mechanic coming to Eve Online, along with changes to battleships and other parts of the game, miners and industrialists all over New Eden are feeling a sense of dread at what some are calling, The next Great Depression…… in Eve.

“Of course I’m looking forward to losing the minerals I mined to reprocessing. No,  I can do it even better once I use the new compressor in my Porpoise”, said one player, as he shakily drank what looked like bourbon from a mug that reads “Rocks=$$$.” It is this reporter’s opinion that while some folks find the idea of industry relaxing and profitable, others find the time spent to be a little lopsided to the gains achieved. So it’s no surprise that the introduction of the new depression mechanic was a welcome addition to players that do literally anything besides industry. 

One player had this to say, “Listen, I like blowing up mining fleets as much as the next guy; but this new depression is gonna mean more people are gonna be out even greater numbers mining and depressing ore. It’s gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel. Damn near brings a tear to my eye.” As of the time of writing this article no industrialists were willing to make statements regarding their thoughts on the upcoming depression due to liquidating their assets in perpetration for fleet replacement. 

While some players appear to have a new found sense of excitement at the recent changes announced, others seem to be feeling stress, anxiety, and even a bit of panic. All of these things seem to be in line with other changes that have come to New Eden in past years, so this reporter isn’t too surprised.

Editor’s note: I’m being told that it’s actually a new “compression” mechanic. Doesn’t appear to change people’s feelings about the situation though. Oh well.

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