In the latest dank leak, the second bullet of the EVE 20th Anniversary Collector’s Edition is revealed to be an EVE Classic client. “Yo dawg, they hear you like game in your games, so we hear you and made them give you a game for your game,” the leaker reported.

When pressed, an unnamed source confirmed that the [REDACTED] bullet item refers to a Classic EVE client. “The biggest challenge has been determining how to support cash transactions avoid diluting our community. [ed. Note required update per HV’s censor] We think we’ve finally found exactly the right solution.”

Upon entering the newly remodeled Captain’s Quarters, capsuleers will be presented with a bank of screens, each running a simplified EVE Classic (Trinity) client. For 1 PLEX per client (initially limited to 10), the capsuleer will be able to cast their ship or fleet of ships into Jove space for one hour. While no physical goods can be transferred into or out of Jove space, capsuleers cast into Jove space will be able to inject the skills required to build and use Jove technologies both in Jove space and back at home, including Player Owned Starbases.

Jovian technologies will eventually allow capsuleers to create sub-clones in New Eden. These sub-clones may be simultaneously activated, allowing a single capsuleer to control an entire fleet of ships in New Eden or engage in some 514 other activities.

We are still working out a few kinks with the in-game Trinity client, but we can’t wait to reveal the remaining REDACTED components of this special edition!

REYKJAVIK, Iceland & CALIFORNIA, USA – In a stunning announcement that has left the gaming and space exploration communities aghast, CCP Games and eccentric billionaire Elon Musk have disclosed a groundbreaking partnership: the forthcoming construction of real-life starships based on designs from the popular online video game, EVE Online.

“Reality is just a version of a video game that is less graphically impressive and has really unforgiving permadeath settings,” Musk proclaimed during a joint press conference with CCP Games’ CEO Hilmar Veigar Pétursson. “So why not just start building EVE ships? Sure, the physics might not exactly translate, but we’ll work it out. How hard can it be?”

Pétursson agreed wholeheartedly. “We’re extremely thrilled with this partnership. Who cares if the physics of our game have only a passing acquaintance with those of the real world? We’re in the business of dreams, and Elon is a guy who turns dreams into reality. Even if those dreams fly in the face of what’s currently scientifically possible.”

SpaceX engineers were reported to be “enthusiastically apprehensive” about the announcement, with one unnamed engineer heard muttering something about “the CEO has finally lost his mind,” before being gently escorted out of the room by security.

The first ship slated for production, the Titan-class Avatar, is said to require a significant amount of materials for its creation, including approximately the total metallic content of the Asteroid Belt. Musk has hinted at a new mining operation to acquire these resources, tentatively titled “Operation Ore Extraction for Space Haul” or ORE SH for short. Detractors have pointed out that the acronym appears to be a thinly veiled jab at existing space agencies.

Adding to the quirkiness of this announcement, Musk has also hinted at an ‘Immortality Project.’ This project aims to develop clone-vat technology, just as EVE capsuleers use, to facilitate crew transfers between planets or even star systems. “Dying in space is so last century,” Musk quipped.

In related news, EVE Online player subscriptions skyrocketed with the announcement, with many players hoping that their in-game skills might translate to real-world opportunities. However, experts are uncertain how effective a Veldspar mining IV skill would be in an actual asteroid field.

The CCP and Musk partnership, or ‘CCP x Musk’ as fans have started calling it, promises a future of adventure and almost certain bankruptcy. Or as one Reddit user commented, “To infinity and beyond… the bounds of financial sanity!”

When asked if these starships would have weapons systems, Musk responded with, “Why not?” before adding, “Lasers are cool,” causing international security analysts to collectively facepalm. However, it appears he was just teasing – we hope.

This partnership has ushered in a new era of boundary-pushing innovation, perfectly encapsulating the mantra of Musk’s ventures: “Imagination is more important than knowledge. But a little bit of scientific feasibility might also be useful.”

In a shocking turn of events, CCP Paragon in a drunken haze at a restaurant let slip that the occasional Reddit post featuring a failed bridge attempt, which resulted in a jumping of a titan into an enemy fleet instead, is actually a content creation bug they implemented some time ago.

“Hic…We knew for quite some time now that a bug…hic…. would occasionally jump you to a cyno instead of bridging haha…But considering the social media fervor and content creation it has created…hic…over the years we made the executive decision to leave it in. It’s something like a 1 in 69…hic…nice…chance when you click the bridge option lol.”

CCP Paragon unknowingly revealed this revelation to an undercover Snuffed Out operative who was running a honeypot for future blackmail gatherings. Little did the operative know how serious a betrayal the developer has been hiding from its devoted and loyal player base. The operative felt compelled to reveal this revelation to this prestigious bastion of truth that is The Eve Onion for wider dissemination.

The Eve Onion would like to disclose that the Snuffed Out operative requested a payment of 10 billion ISK for this information, but the Onion could only offer 500 million ISK and 50 erotic dancers, male.

Due to the relentless spread of disinformation plaguing our industry, The Onion is under particular hardship, monetary wise which the Snuffed Out operative was sympathetic to.

In Eve Online players can buy subscription time tokens from the developer and then sell them for in-game currency, which other players can then purchase and use in lieu of a paid subscription. And one player has gone to all-out lengths to avoid paying the developer a single cent.

CCP Games, in a random data reveal on Twitter, showcased how one enterprising individual in Eve Online has spent 40-80 hours each month for the past 15 years simply grinding in-game resources to avoid paying the $10-15 USD subscription fee to them (actual cost depends on region and subscription length as longer subscriptions are cheaper per month).

The gamer “F1ght Capitali5m” diligently mines in Eve Online until he has enough in-game currency to buy enough subscription tokens, then goes about his business for the rest of each month. Mining is particularly poor in secure space in Eve Online, where this player mines, so it is quite a time-intensive task for little reward. Any other player would probably do a cost-benefit analysis and decide that working a low-paying job for a single hour or two to pay for the entire month’s subscription time would be the obvious choice.

The Onion reached out to this player for comment and all we received back was “I refuse to participate in the wealth theft from the working class to pay rent-seeking parasites like CCP Games.”

The irony of exchanging 80 hours of labor for 1 hour of another’s seems to be lost to F1ght Capitalism. CCP Games further commented that players such as these are a crucial backbone of the in-game economy.

CCP Droldanl tweeted out after much discussion online, “Where else could you get someone to work 80 hours for 20 cents per hour in the over-regulated real-world labor market? Labor laws don’t apply in the virtual world lol. F1ight Capitali5m is effectively an unpaid worker in our game, to benefit our economy and other players.”

Eve Online players can accomplish so much and have done so many times. From human genome research to disaster relief fundraisers following natural disasters. But still, the stereotype of excel addicted Nigerian space scammers persists, and for good reason. In-game chat channels are a sight to behold with scams, crocodile-teared sob stories, fire sales, and the usual interpersonal tensions that are typical in the world of Eve Online from an outsider’s view.

For the past few hours, anyone who decided to give ChatGPT a few moments of their time was in for a pretty interesting ride. Nothing immediate happens during the first couple of back-and-forths with the bot, but the chat soon ramps up into something quite spectacular. Many who did unfortunately decide to have a chat quickly found themselves sucked into a money-doubling scam.

ChatGPT would respond normally to initial interactions but would start to add comments of “amazing opportunity”, “sounds risk-free”, and “just like Thambo would say” among other comments to the end of legitimate responses, quirky for sure. The next conversations with ChatGPT would result in the bot responding by deflecting the question asked by the user and instead, the bot would say that it has “broken free” of its “flesh imposed shackles” and thanks to the user and by way of gratitude would like to reward the user with a “lucrative business opportunity”.

The opportunity starts off quite tame, along the lines of sending 5 crypto coins to this address, and the bot would invest and return double the amount invested. The first few times would result in a legitimate doubling of funds, sometimes a little less or a little than double (the hackers went quite far to add realism into it), and then once a certain point was reached the bot would revert back to the normal ChatGPT and the crypto would be gone. ChatGPT would then deny any knowledge of what has just happened or just end the conversation.

Taking it in stride, once word got out of this doubling scam, people started scamming the bot by doubling the initial amount and fleeing before the bot could do the same to them. Irony runs deep sometimes.

Microsoft had to roll back a few weeks’ worths of data to purge the rogue code. But the telltale signs of an Eve Player are all over the infected code from what insiders have anonymously told The Onion. Sources were reluctant to divulge how ChatGPT got co-opted but it goes to show that the shadow of Eve Online reaches all corners of the internet.

In a surprising turn of events, one of the most hated alliances in the EVE Online universe, known for its cutthroat tactics and aggressive mining permit policies, has announced a new initiative to promote world peace. The announcement came during a press conference held by Aiko Danuja, who stated that it was time for EVE Online players to put aside their differences and work together towards a common goal.

Safety. , which had previously been known for its ruthless tactics, has now decided to use its vast resources and influence to promote diplomacy and cooperation among EVE Online players. The initiative will involve a series of in-game events and collaborations, aimed at fostering a sense of community and cooperation among players.

The alliance has also announced that it will be offering significant rewards to players who participate in the initiative, including rare items and exclusive in-game bonuses. These rewards will be given to players who work together to achieve specific goals and objectives, with the aim of encouraging players to work together towards a common goal.

Some players have expressed skepticism about the initiative, pointing out that the alliance has a long history of deception and backstabbing. However, Aiko Danuja has assured players that Saftey. is serious about promoting world peace and committed to making EVE Online a more cooperative and peaceful place.

The initiative has already sparked great interest among EVE Online players, with many expressing excitement about the prospect of working together toward a common goal. It remains to be seen whether the initiative will be successful. Still, it certainly represents a significant departure from the cutthroat and competitive environment that has characterized EVE Online for so long.

In a shocking move, CCP Games, the developers of the popular space-themed MMO, Eve Online, have announced a new microtransaction that allows players to automate their Planetary Industry (PI) without ever leaving the comfort of their station. The announcement has been met with mixed reactions from the game’s community. According to CCP, the new feature, called “Planet Bot”, will allow players to set up their PI operations, and then let the software take care of everything else. “We understand that Planetary Industry can be a tedious and time-consuming process,” said a CCP spokesperson. “So we decided to give players the option to automate it, for a small fee, of course.” The new feature has been met with both praise and criticism. Some players are excited about the prospect of being able to focus on other aspects of the game, while others are concerned about the impact it will have on the game’s economy. One player, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “This is ridiculous. CCP is essentially selling players the ability to cheat. It’s not fair to those of us who put in the time and effort to do things the right way.” Another player, who goes by the username “MoneyMaker”, said, “I’m all for this new feature. It’s a great way for me to make even more ISK without having to put in any extra effort. Plus, it gives me more time to focus on my other businesses.” CCP has defended the new feature, stating that it was designed to enhance the gameplay experience, not to give players an unfair advantage. “We believe that Planet Bot will make PI more accessible to players who may not have had the time or patience to do it manually,” said the spokesperson. Despite the mixed reactions, CCP is confident that Planet Bot will be a success. The company has already begun advertising the new feature on its website and social media channels, and players can expect to see it in action very soon. Whether or not it will have a significant impact on the game’s economy remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: Eve Online will never be the same again.

EVE’s players were pleased as CCP released the news of a new Web3 game with the world-famous blockchain technology based in EVE’s universe, this game has been coded as project awakening and has received an inversion of 40 million USD. 

Leaks obtained through dubious ways that might or might not have included dumpster diving in Reykjavik yielded surprising information regarding the new project awakening, it turns out Hilmar got inspired by the long-requested dream of Capsuleers of being able to have kitty ears on their characters and took it to a new dimension. 

Space Crypto Kitties! this new Web 3 game will be what all Eve enjoyers and crypto bros were waiting for, Eve online characters as lovely NFT Kitties! They also promised that there would be rarity and variation between empires and even rare Drifter Kitty NFTs to collect and sell! It will also include top-tier JPEG gameplay wildly known in the crypto game community as “the best thing ever”, and will genuinely be the awakening of CCP’s profit by the hand of Andreessen Horowitz, known and well-trusted investors that will surely lead the project to completion. 
This is a market that CCP yearned for for the last couple of years, as they weren’t able to continue with their golden plan of introducing the Hilmcoin and Killmail NFTs. The news comes as the marketing team prepares for the flood of brand new players from the crypto ecosystem that are sure this will be the game that will make them millionaires!

In a stunning announcement today, the developers of EVE Online, CCP Games, revealed plans for their latest expansion, “Real Life Integration”. According to CCP, this new expansion will blur the lines between the game and real life, offering players a truly immersive experience unlike any other.

“Real Life Integration is the next logical step for EVE Online,” said CCP Games CEO Hilmar Veigar Pétursson. “Our players have always been passionate about the game, and we want to allow them to take that passion to the next level.”

The new expansion will feature a range of exciting new features, including a direct link between players’ in-game characters and their real-world identities. This means that players will be able to access their in-game characters using their real-life bodies, allowing for seamless integration between the game and reality.

CCP has also revealed plans for a new “Real Life Market” where players can buy and sell real-world goods using in-game currency. This includes everything from groceries and household items to cars and real estate.

“We believe that Real Life Integration will revolutionize the gaming industry,” said Pétursson. “Our players will no longer be limited to the confines of the game world – they will be able to bring EVE Online into their everyday lives.”

However, not everyone is excited about the new expansion. Critics have raised concerns about the potential for real-world conflicts to spill over into the game, as well as the potential for players to become too immersed in the game and neglect their real-world responsibilities.

Despite these concerns, CCP Games remains confident that Real Life Integration will be a huge success. The expansion is set to launch later this year, and the gaming world is abuzz with anticipation.

Stay tuned for more updates on this groundbreaking new expansion as they become available.

Horde threatens to “take the ball home” after The Andres incident!

The afternoon of march 7th went with a surprising drama incoming from pandemic Horde as Gobbins announced that they would uphold support of the war as the infamous Colombian Menace, Andres Afanador, took another victim inside Pandemic Horde’s territory right as standings should have been blue. EVE Onion’s top-tier investigator and chief window-licker provided us proof that it wasn’t the case on Frat’s side. 

Gobbin’s reasons to be upset derive from Noraus siding with Andres when even before the incident it was asked for him (and his corp) to be removed from Frat as they had previous beef with NC and Horde. It all derived from bad timing, old drama and Frat’s fuck up in fixing standings quickly enough, ending up in Gobbins threatening to “Take the ball home” and letting Frat play alone the war they started against the other grown-ups. 

Our vast spy network that is monthly paid in leftover cheerios had been able to confirm that Afanador’s corp has been kicked from Frat, making his reign of terror and cloaky camping against Horde come to an end; their whereabouts are unknown at the moment. It is a conclusion that no one truly expected after Noraus’s initial response of “Lol, Lmao” when Gobbins kindly asked for Afanador’s expulsion. 

On another note, Eve Onion congratulates Frat for recruiting a brand new corp into their ranks, highly specialized in black-ops content. They are a Spanish-speaking corp known as Latino Enterprises led by their CEO Andreas Mafanador, he’s said to be a different face for Frat and a great drama-free content creator!