EVE is the people who play it, and there’s nothing typical about them. They are why EVE is one of a kind. In EVE there is a citadel that is literally one of a kind: The Palatine Keepstar. There can only ever be one anchored at a time. It was impressive enough when the first Keepstar was anchored, in wormhole space no less, by Hard Knocks. But the Palatine requires the resources of a massive organization to mine massive amounts of resources from massive amounts of asteroids and planets.

This isn’t about that.

Or, rather, it is, but about what comes next. You see, during one of CPP Guard’s “pub located exit interviews” with fans and well-wishers, he let his guard down. It turns out the Palatine Keepstar, once constructed, has a special hangar. The alliance responsible for erecting their citadel will become unexpectedly very pleased with their erection. For that hangar is the only hangar that can hold the ship produced by the BPC they will find in that hangar: an Iapetan-class Titan called the Kawa.

The little bonus is a mixed blessing. It is built entirely from PI, and a lot of it. The formerly useless Shattered planets are the only things that can produce this PI. Further, all of the materials must come from one planet. The resources must be extracted correctly with no cycles missed or there will not be enough to construct the ship. Because, when all the resources are collected, the planet will be destroyed. If you miss any cycle or produce too much of a raw material for processing and not enough of another, it is your dreams that will be shattered for you must start anew. It must be manufactured in the Palatine Keepstar and will be delivered to the special hangar.

The titan may be launched and flown by anybody with titan skills. However, it is no normal titan. Its drive system is a cross between wormhole, warp, and jump drive. You point it toward a massive body, like a sun, and you jump. The titan will land randomly in the solar system at which point you can warp more precisely to your destination. When you are done, it must be returned to the Palatine hangar. You cannot safe log or simply disconnect, it will just sit in space. The return trip always puts you in tether range of the Keepstar as the titan is quantum entangled with the citadel—which is another catch. If the one-of-a-kind citadel is destroyed, it takes the titan with it…and the pilot. There will be a corpse, but the pilot will not be revived and will, indeed, go down with their ship.

Of course, we’ll never see such a thing. As noted above, it requires a lot of focused resource gathering over months. There hasn’t been any focused resource gathering lately in any region beginning with a “D”; has there, CCP Guard?

Many people still remember the events that transpired a month ago. Burn Jita 2019 was a cacophony of exploding freighters and their angered pilots, strangely juxtaposed with the laughter and cheers of their destroyers. The event was horrendous for some, and joyous for others. Some people lost their entire net worth in a fiery explosion, but others, like the topic of today’s article, were inspired.

Meet Johnny Henderson, or that was the name he formally went by. A name that he said in court was, “Unfairly assigned at birth” and only existed to hamper his true self. Today marks the culmination of weeks of unrelenting prosecution, defense, and other courtroom drama. Johnny emerged from the courthouse to the applause and cheers of the waiting crowd outside—Johnny no more, but in his place was BeepBoop 10101. He was brought to tears to see the unrelenting support of those that cared about him, and even local residents that had taken to the street to see what the commotion was all about.

This isn’t the first court trial that has occurred over the situation. Years ago, Johnny attempted to change his name to “BjBee 420”, however due to the harshness of Texas law, and a hostile environment, the case was ruled unfavorably against him. Rumors were there were over two hundred lawyers sitting in a room willing to act against him. Discouraged, Johnny returned home, and had almost lost all hope of ever having a proper name to reflect his love of Eve, and burning Jita.

After moving to California, Johnny’s hopes were renewed as he saw the more progressive laws and regulations of the golden state. “It’s like a modern day Gallente Federation”, Johnny was quoted in saying about Cali. Years passed, but his hope of changing names lived on. Burn Jita 2019 was the tipping point; he could wait no longer.

I decided to poll the newly named BeepBoop 10101 after his trial, asking him a few questions such as his plans for the future. Unsurprisingly for someone that just changed his name to BeepBoop 10101, his ideas were off the wall. “I might be 18 years old, but I want to start creating an impact with this legacy I’ve just created,” he says, confidently. “I plan on having a child, and naming them BeepBoop 10111.”  When asked what his missus thought about the idea, he said “I’d have to find one, first.”

Hell has frozen over.

Soon^tm has arrived.

The stars are aligned.

The end is near.

Two portents of the end of EVE Online intersect, signaling the imminent arrival of the same. The first, Capsuleer Katia Sae of Signal Cartel completed a survey of all 7805 systems, in a little over nine years, and without losing a single ship. That’s every K-Space and J-Space system, Jove and Abyssal excepted.

While this unique accomplishment is sufficiently astonishing to deserve recognition, one might simply applaud and move on, were it not for the second. This second portent, likewise unique, marks the collapse of a culture core to the existence of EVE Online. As this culture falls, it may very well bring about the end of the entire EVE Online community.

The portent?

Oh, this is not just an /r/eve thread, this is the thread destined to bring an end to all threads, and herald the end of EVE Online as we know it.

~400 upvotes

over 50 comments

Not a single troll, snark, or negative comment.

It’s been a great run, but…it’s over. There’s no coming back from this one.

CCP Grocers was just up the street, which was rather convenient for Mildred, who was eager to browse the aisles. In the past, they charged an exorbitant membership fee, but recently she learned they were now free to the general public. Balloons, streamers, and endless fireworks heralded CCP’s new policy, and Mildred was delighted. She ignored the billboard which asked, “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?”

At first, she couldn’t even find the store, and wandered aimlessly in the parking lot. There were no clear parking spaces, and endless chaos, with vehicles piling in on top of each other. Meanwhile, the surface of the lot was only partially paved, with large potholes. In one particularly large cavern, numerous individuals were trapped, crying out endlessly for help while others watch from above and mocked them with bad advice. A drooling simpleton sat eating glue, while scooping dirt with a plastic shovel and chortling, “Hurrr, me like gold!” Bystanders encouraged him to keep digging and enlarge the hole.

Mildred finally made her way into the store, politely greeting a young man who leered at her. “Hey baby, you wanna double up with me?” She tried to ignore him, as a girl brushed past, shoving her to the side. “Excuse me!” Mildred was shocked at this rude behavior, but the girl simply muttered something about “pubbies”. “CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME ANYTHING PLEASE”, shouted someone endlessly through a megaphone, and Mildred shuddered as she made her way into the dark aisles, “PLEASE CAN ANYONE PLEASE JUST GIVE ME HELP I PROMISE I WON’T HELP YOU IN RETURN.” Another voice responded, “I will give a box of cereal to the first person who asks.” There was a clamor, as people shouted, “Me! Me! Me!”, but Mildred had no interest in such offers.

All she really wanted was a can of green peas, and she soon found them covered in dust. She checked the price, it was only 50 cents a can, so she grabbed two of them. She then made her way to the checkout, followed by a strange man who kept muttering, “You are real? Are you real? Can you see me? Why aren’t you responding?” In front of her, a shoplifter kept grabbing yellow boxes off the shelf, “Look! Look! I’m stealing stuff! Do you wanna stop me? Do you think you can stop me? Are you gonna stop me? I bet you can stop me!”

She reached the checkout, and the clerk eyed her peas with a knowing smile, ringing them up in the blink of an eye, “That will be $100,000 please.” Mildred was shocked, “I’m sorry, but they only cost 50 cents each!” The clerk carefully checked her records, “No ma’am, most of the peas cost 50 cents, but these particular cans are priced at $50,000 each.” Mildred shook her head, “Well, ok, I don’t want them, I’ll just go elsewhere then.” The clerk gleefully replied, “That’s very well, however, I’ve already charged your card and you really are obligated to pay.” Mildred felt faint, realizing that she would soon lose her car, home, and even her beloved pelicans. A police officer shouted, “Yah and you owe me 10 million dollars! That’s the law!” Someone in a ridiculous clown outfit chimed in, “You agreed to pay me 31 millions!”

As she stumbled toward the exit, she dimly recalled a glowing red light, which pulsated overhead. There was a gentle nudge, as she was bumped into the door frame, and then a powerful burst of energy as someone zapped her with a taser. She awoke later, far away, left with nothing… not even her peas. She spent several hours crying to whomever would listen, but they simply ignored her, and nobody would help. A few years later, she decided to try again, and had almost exactly the same experience.

EVE Onion reporters obtained evidence this week of a new line of Super Kerr-Induced Nanocoatings (SKINs) coming Soon^tm. Although the manufacturer is redacted from leaked documents, the SKIN family and applicable ships are clearly visible. “Stoudt Day” skins provide capsuleers with the unique opportunity to enhance their Minmatar ships with even more Stoudt Tape (also known as Duct Tape in some circles) than is typically used in the manufacture of Minmatar vessels. The SKIN also renders several popular ships from other nations virtually indistinguishable from Minmatar ships.

Unlike most SKINs, this line of single-use SKINs appears to have the unique characteristic that they cannot be removed without destroying the ship, and may have other unintended side-effects. Watermarks and notations on some SKIN blueprints seem to indicate they were initially designed by a Caldari industrialist corporation, with the intention of disguising Caldari Militia ships in order to allow penetration deep into Minmatar territory. Upon discovering that Faction Warfare is Dead, the industrialist simply re-branded the covert technology as an homage to Matari technology and culture.

His Holiness, Max Singularity, upon viewing early evidence, raised the first alarm that perhaps these SKINs are not as innocuous as they appear. “I thought it was just a skin color, but it turns out it is duct tape and plywood.” An expert in starship engineering, upon reviewing the schematics, expressed similar concern that “I don’t see how these modifications could possibly result in a ship safe for warp flight, despite their…stylish…appearance. Of course I’m not exactly sure how any Minmatar ships make it out of the docking bay without blowing up.”

A Rens ship spinner, speaking upon condition of anonymity, offered a different perspective. “I will absolutely cash in PLEX to purchase these SKINs. The fact they cannot be removed without destroying the ship, and that an improperly spun ship may stick to the hangar walls and require destructive removal by maintenance crews only adds to the challenge. The effect of these SKINs upon flight or combat characteristics is entirely irrelevant to my area of expertise.”

The three remaining industrialists servicing Hek and Rens were equally enthusiastic. “Our clients are discriminating, and typically have a high regard for generous application of duct tape, pardon me, Stoudt Tape. We get incredible satisfaction from the opportunity to approach our best clients with the line: ‘yo dawg, I hear you like tape with your ship, so I put some tape on your rusty tape ship so you can tape yourself flying a taped up rusty tape ship through the warzone while you jam out to a mix tape.’ The only thing that would make it better is if we could offer Stoudt Tape formal wear.”

Gecko Hareka offers a uniquely Matari perspective:

The history of duct tape culture and skills actually goes back to the famous Matari ancestor macgyver. His wisdoms are cherished amongst the Matari people travelling to the stars. His sayings are taught to children at an early age and having this as a line of skills will expose new people to his wisdoms, and the most important secret to the success of Minmatar engineering. Most things in a Minmatar ship can be fixed with duct tape. If it cannot be fixed with tape use more duct tape (especially on solar sails). Duct tape cannot fix screams, but it can muffle them until your enemies are taped to the bulkheads.

“Stoudt Day” appears to be a reference to Vesta Stoudt, the mythical inventor of the tape bearing her name, and the exact release date remain a mystery; evidence is strong this SKIN collection will stick to shelves in just a few weeks. Stick around, and find out!

Image courtesy of Rixx Javix

Luminaire – The Gallente Federation capital system of Luminaire was bustling with activity as roleplayers from around the cluster arrived for the annual ERP Awards Ceremony— “The LEWD’s.” Pilots from all major role playing factions were present, though journalists had difficulty gaining access to the venue due to the various cybernetic appendages, enhancements and body modifications sported by the attendees, which obstructed the entrances. Security drones patrolling the venue created a jamming field to prevent the photographing of the almost exclusively female capsuleer audience.

The hostess for the evening was breast physics advocate Niraia, who provided a brief opening statement on bounciness before allowing the festivities to commence. Coincidentally, rumor has it that observers from CCP Games’ parent company Pearl Abyss were in attendance, collecting data on the demand for a Black Desert Online physics engine to be introduced to Eve Online. The ceremony was staccato’ed by various performances and live readings of up-and-coming erotic roleplayers, many of whom were participating for the first time.  

Categories for the awards included “Best Use of Anatomically Inaccurate Appendages,” “Best Erotic Scene in Local,” “Most Creative Use of Fleet Chat,” and “Best Written Paragraph.” The ceremony, however, was not without rough patches. Earlier this week, controversy sparked when the Awards Committee determined that this year—like every year beforehand—were too few male characters in the pool to issue an award and announced the creation of a new category: “Best Performing Actress (who is actually a woman).” Much to the surprise of the Awards Committee, the pool of contestants was even smaller than that of male characters and thus retracted the category before the ceremony began.

The evening was not all about fun and games however, as many protesters took to the streets outside of the venue in support of an alleged love affair involving Empress Catiz Tash-Murkon I and Sanmatar Maleatu Shakor. The particular pairing features heavily among role players as one of the most likely avenues for peace in New Eden. Protesters clashed violently with police, who provided a cordon to protect counter-protesters. Intriguingly, this group of counter-protesters was made up of denizens of the Amarr Empire and the Minmatar Republic, who managed to find common ground by opposing the fetishization of both heads of state. Among the counter-protesters were the ISD Team and CCP Delegate Zero, who silently shook their heads at what had become of the lore they had painstakingly written.  

The awards ceremony finally culminated with the winner for “Best Sex Scene,” which involved multiple participants and a Fedo. Although a live-action re-enactment was scheduled, the organizers cut the ceremony short as the venue had already ran out of plastic wrap for the seats.