Luminaire – The Gallente Federation capital system of Luminaire was bustling with activity as roleplayers from around the cluster arrived for the annual ERP Awards Ceremony— “The LEWD’s.” Pilots from all major role playing factions were present, though journalists had difficulty gaining access to the venue due to the various cybernetic appendages, enhancements and body modifications sported by the attendees, which obstructed the entrances. Security drones patrolling the venue created a jamming field to prevent the photographing of the almost exclusively female capsuleer audience.

The hostess for the evening was breast physics advocate Niraia, who provided a brief opening statement on bounciness before allowing the festivities to commence. Coincidentally, rumor has it that observers from CCP Games’ parent company Pearl Abyss were in attendance, collecting data on the demand for a Black Desert Online physics engine to be introduced to Eve Online. The ceremony was staccato’ed by various performances and live readings of up-and-coming erotic roleplayers, many of whom were participating for the first time.  

Categories for the awards included “Best Use of Anatomically Inaccurate Appendages,” “Best Erotic Scene in Local,” “Most Creative Use of Fleet Chat,” and “Best Written Paragraph.” The ceremony, however, was not without rough patches. Earlier this week, controversy sparked when the Awards Committee determined that this year—like every year beforehand—were too few male characters in the pool to issue an award and announced the creation of a new category: “Best Performing Actress (who is actually a woman).” Much to the surprise of the Awards Committee, the pool of contestants was even smaller than that of male characters and thus retracted the category before the ceremony began.

The evening was not all about fun and games however, as many protesters took to the streets outside of the venue in support of an alleged love affair involving Empress Catiz Tash-Murkon I and Sanmatar Maleatu Shakor. The particular pairing features heavily among role players as one of the most likely avenues for peace in New Eden. Protesters clashed violently with police, who provided a cordon to protect counter-protesters. Intriguingly, this group of counter-protesters was made up of denizens of the Amarr Empire and the Minmatar Republic, who managed to find common ground by opposing the fetishization of both heads of state. Among the counter-protesters were the ISD Team and CCP Delegate Zero, who silently shook their heads at what had become of the lore they had painstakingly written.  

The awards ceremony finally culminated with the winner for “Best Sex Scene,” which involved multiple participants and a Fedo. Although a live-action re-enactment was scheduled, the organizers cut the ceremony short as the venue had already ran out of plastic wrap for the seats.

Gland, Switzerland – In a ceremony attended by leading conservationists and environmental leaders, CCP Guard, on behalf of CCP Games, was presented with the prestigious “World Wildlife Fund Award for Conservation Merit.” According to the World Wildlife Fund for Nature (WWF) website, this distinction is awarded “for significant contribution to local, grass roots conservation and for conservation achievements over a long period of time.”

In the words of WWF president Pavan Sukhdev, “CCP Games has shown remarkable resilience and energy as a global leader in the conservation of threatened and endangered aquatic mammals. Majestic creatures such as the Rorqual and the Orca have found an ally in CCP and we at the WWF are proud to support these conservation efforts.”

Throughout much of the early 2000s and 2010s, the Rorqual was in dire straits before CCP introduced a controlled population into a special set of natural preserves collectively termed “New Eden.” Although the animals found niches in their new environment, it was not until drastic measures were taken in 2015 that the Rorqual populations in New Eden quickly began to skyrocket.

Wiping a tear from his eye during the emotional ceremony, CCP Guard shared, “It has been a long and difficult journey for the Rorqual. As recently as 2012, it was rare to even spot a Rorqual in New Eden. Today, however, the Rorqual has obtained widespread abundance and we will do all that we can to ensure its numbers are never threatened significantly again!”

CCP’s efforts to replenish Rorqual numbers are not without controversy, however. Iceland, in which CCP is headquartered, is one of the few countries in the world that continues to allow the commercial hunting of whales. Moreover, many observers who follow the developments in the New Eden preserves, believe that the Rorqual numbers are becoming unsustainable. Some of these observers take matters to the extreme by leading unauthorized “whaling fleets” into New Eden for the express purpose of hunting Rorquals.  

“When we lead whaling fleets into New Eden, we aim to kill as many Rorquals as possible,” said a Bomber’s Bar spokesperson, “There are way too many Rorquals in New Eden.”

“That statement is absolutely absurd,” replied TheMittani, one of New Eden’s leaders in protecting endangered populations, “Even when you look at the preserve with the highest concentration of Rorquals—Delve—the Rorquals are unable to completely deplete their natural diet of ore. Nonetheless, we know that Delve Rorquals will be hunted to extinction if we let the whaling fleets have their way, so we continue to stay ahead of these heartless poachers by expanding watch stations and safe harbors to guard these majestic creatures.”

Let’s drill!

Okay, you’ve decided to mine, but aren’t exactly sure how. Or maybe you’ve done it all before, became a millionaire and biomassed. What choices will you make this time, and how will they affect the rest of your career? You want to spend the rest of your life playing EVE, and who doesn’t want to PLEX up from Alpha, but how can you maximize your ISK/hr? Well, today I will answer these questions—so let’s get to it!

We all dream of becoming a rockstar miner, like that Mackinaw over in Ashab. However, even the lowliest Alpha can become a tycoon, if they merely follow a simple strategy. Are you ready? PROTIP: You don’t actually need to invest large amounts of ISK, or actual real-life money earned from mowing the lawn, delivering newspapers, or cleaning underneath the couch.

First, did you know, ships are FREE in Eve? A boat in every port, as Uncle Joe used to say. So, let’s spawn into Imperial Chaven. Look at that, an Impairor is just sitting there. We can skip all that violent tutorial business, and move straight on to what EVE is really about. Some people like Planet VIII’s Asteroid Belt 1, but I’m old school, and you just can’t beat Planet VI’s Asteroid Belt 1. Yes, I know, Planet VIII is only 164,225 kilometres from the Imperial Academy, whereas Planet VI is 3,590,348,880 kilometres away. It seems like Planet VIII is right there, easy access, and it is way too easy! If you want the good rocks, and I mean the real nice ones that haven’t already been picked over by some greedy Retriever, Planet VI is the spot. Think of this as the remote frontier, your own little private nullsec. Let’s warp!

All right, we are up in this belt, and can see all the Scordite just floating out there. Over that way is a field of Veldspar. How do we know which rock is the best? Most players get themselves a ‘roid scanner, but we’ve got a handy dandy advantage. Instinct. Our ancestors invented rock smashing, and it’s in our blood. All you have to do is listen to your gut. That’s right! We want the MASSIVE Scordite. We are not some little hillybilly miner who is going to be satisfied with a little rock. THINK BIG.

Now, there’s two schools of thought on how to mine. Some people like to just hover and suck, but when you are ready to be a real digger, you can orbit the rock. Turn on the Afterburner and let her rip. Goblins won’t be able to catch you. Whichever option you choose, the next step is crucial. Left click your target, hit the control button to lock, and activate your laser. Now you are officially a miner!

What’s next? I usually check my email, or maybe just lean back and relax. If you turn up the volume real loud, you can hear your laser just whirring away. That is the sound of ISK in your pocket, enjoy! One thing I really like, is to zoom out, so I can hear the solar wind gusting to and fro. It’s details like this which make EVE the preeminent space simulator of our era. Oh snap, looks like our cargo bay is full. Let’s get paid!

We warp back to the imperial academy, and take stock. We have 766 massive Scordites, one piece of bonus tritanium (which came with our free ship), and the ship itself. I sell the scordite for 12,806 ISK (after taxes), the tritanium for 4.38 ISK, and utilize a little life hack. You can right click your imparior, and repackage. WARNING: Make sure to leave the ship first! It sells for another .02 ISK, and why not? If you really want to be sneaky, try adding a market sell order at 2000 ISK. Yes, your ship was free, but some Minmatar scum might not realize this. As PT Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

Once we’ve gotten rid of the ship, we are ready to undock and redock. BOOM! We’ve got a new ship, with even more bonus tritanium. Even better, we can replace the gatling gun with the miner from our original ship. In just a few simple steps, we have doubled our mining efficiency, without spending a single ISK. Well, I need to get back to drilling. Come again next week, when we will be discussing the benefits of an expanded cargohold.

This week’s feature fit:

[Impairor, Dual Miner]

1MN Civilian Afterburner

Civilian Miner

Civilian Miner

This year, CCP has included Canada in the World Tour (https://www.eveonline.com/article/pjzslc/eve-online-world-tour-2019). You may have heard that marijuana is now legal in Canada. You might also think that this is some progressive move by Canada to be recognized on the world stage as a leader in free-thinking individuals who can chart their own course. As a public service announcement, EVE Onion is here to tell you this couldn’t be further from the truth. It is, in fact, a federally supported clever ruse..

The Canadian government is distracting you. Marijuana isn’t where it’s at, boys and girls: It’s MAPLE SYRUP. There are days when the air smells like maple syrup in Canada (https://www.reddit.com/r/toronto/comments/pg8pg/anyone_know_why_scarborough_smells_like_maple/). Even the money smells like maple syrup (https://www.tripadvisor.ca/ShowTopic-g153339-i49-k11879645-Money_smells_like_maple_syrup-Canada.html). The world makes jokes about it, but Canadians really have a problem with maple syrup. So much so that they’ve gone beyond simple pancake adornment. You probably haven’t heard of an “Icky Stick” or the more subdued practice of “maping”. More hard core users will participate in “maple-lining” or “tapping” their crystal mape where the sugar form of the syrup is heated and injected straight into the vein. There are even some who “pancake” or “waffle”, similar to a dab, where AAA dark syrup is vaporized at high temperature and inhaled completely. People have described the experience as “going North” as if they’re floating around the pole on an ice floe. They often wake up the next day to find they are, in fact, floating around on an ice floe.

The reason you won’t have heard of this is ongoing Federal campaigns making the public aware of invaders threatening the maple supply. Stories such as the Vermont Heist (https://globalnews.ca/news/390558/vermont-company-implicated-in-20-million-quebec-maple-syrup-heist/) have made Canadians paranoid about where they’re going to get their next fix or the artificial inflation in cost that could happen. Guy next door Doug Mackenzie was quoted as saying, “Oh, ya, eh, dey went an’ took th’ good shit. What’s next, eh? Stealin’ oor beer? We’ll build a wall, eh! Get oot’ve oor hoose!”

Because of the perceived threat, you may find it difficult to enjoy this sweet release. EVE Onion wants to make sure you have a great time in Toronto and offers these tips: Wear a toque, you’ll blend right in. Use “eh” a lot so they don’t suspect, but don’t make it sound like a question—that’s a dead giveaway. Don’t worry about your accent. Don’t say “thank you” when they tell you where to get it or give it to you, just apologize: “Sorry for having you go out of your way, eh?” Don’t forget to congratulate them on the 100th anniversary of the Federal Igloo in Ottawa. Whatever you do, don’t bring up the practice of setting the elderly adrift on ice floes from Baffin island when they reach 75—touchy subject. The Rick Mercer Report basically let loose a national secret there. Finally, if you think something has gone wrong, offer Timbits and coffee in a Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win cup (tell them it’s a DD DC — double-double, double cupped). The person you are talking to is likely to overlook just about anything. In fact, they’ll probably apologize for even the thought and invite you over for a beer and a barbecue—yes, even if it’s -10 Celsius out. They live in a cold climate, but they have warm hearts.

Amazon looked intent on becoming a powerful player in the video market by allowing people to sign up for a wide variety of services through their Prime Video accounts; so much so that Apple, Roku and potentially Facebook are now copying the company’s approach. But entry of the latest competitor in the video market changes everything: Amazon is scaling back its ambition to expand the service.

Over the past few days, executives at the electronic amusements giant have told entertainment companies that it is going to be more selective about which video services it adds to what it calls Amazon Channels. The offering now includes around 200 services, from small paid video services like Acorn to big ones like HBO Now and Showtime. Amazon has increasingly focused its attentions on the biggest channels on the platform which generate the most subscription revenue.

“We really thought we could compete,” Amazon CEO Impersonator Jiff Bozes moaned, “but when we saw the new EVE trailer from CCP, we realized we overstepped. As a company, we are committed to being the greatest, and if we can’t be the greatest, it’s time to focus your attention elsewhere.”

“We’ve seen some amazing video of EVE Online, a source close to PCGames^N affirmed,” but most of these either come from players, or are CCP compilations of player video (see This is EVE). This is perhaps the first time we’ve seen a video that is not only engaging, but actually makes the game easier to comprehend.” (See This Eve Online trailer will get you up to speed on CCP’s Daunting MMO)

CCP’s Hilmar Veigar, previously famous for thinking perhaps New Eden is a city on Earth, and complaining that game changes hurt his PvE experience replied, succinctly,

Reports have been coming in about strange items being found in Drone missions on the Singularity server. Shortly after the January 2019 release, capsuleers testing new features on SiSi have been reporting on social media that, where they expect to see Overseer’s Effects and the like, they are finding such items as Yuria Amulet, Demihuman Kriegmesser, and Kzarka Staff. Typical of new items, when the data extract is queried it returns blanks for any descriptive fields or defining attributes.

Some have speculated that these herald items that allow expansion of the universe through abyssal space pockets. Others think they are a holdover from the holidays and somebody is releasing the code late hoping nobody notices. Most are just screaming that this is just another example of important bugs being ignored and more useless trinkets and animations are being released to distract players. “Atari did exploding asteroids in 1979! Could we please fix lowsec?!”

EVE Onion will continue to monitor this situation and provide you with updates as soon as they are made aware.

UPDATE #1: We have just heard from CCP that the items being dropped are intentional, but weren’t supposed to show up yet. “We are really sorry about the confusion. We were seeding them in the database but they weren’t supposed to show up in space just yet. Have you seen the new asteroid animation?”

When pressed for more information, now that the items were leaked, CCP finally confessed, “Pearl Abyss thought it would be fun to release items in EVE that you can then use in Black Desert Online! They are saying the items will provide bonuses and abilities to make your experience in BDO more exciting and the cost to unlock them will be very reasonable. Have you seen the new asteroid animation?”

A quick google search reveals that these are, indeed, items from BDO (e.g. https://www.invenglobal.com/articles/1877/bdo-guide-complete-guide-for-item-drop-locations). We were unable to get details of what items or how “reasonable” they would be to unlock in BDO. The only quote regarding foreshadowing that EVE Onion was able to obtain was, “Wait ‘til you see what we do with gas clouds.”

UPDATE #2: Turns out there’s a new animation when you mine rocks.