Deep in the heart of the blue doughnut, the most elite nullbears met to give ferocious battle to their fierce PvE opponents. Krabmaster explained, “This is what EVE is really about, we are the best players in the game, and we earn the best rewards because we can handle the best content. Nobody can touch us, we are so f*****g invincible.” 

Their blingy titans and supercarriers blazed away with relentless precision, destroying their enemies and outwitting them at every turn. Botman2.0 was likewise proud of his accomplishments, “The AI is really quite adaptive, and I constantly have to be operating at peak performance.” Indeed, many nullbears were convinced that they were legitimate professional gamers, engaged in an e-sport as competitive as any Minecraft creative build contest.

However, at CCP headquarters, dark minds had other plans. Laughing with evil glee, CCP *REDACTED* chortled, “Bwahahahaha. Like PvE do they? Elite PvE they say?” Suddenly, the elite nullbear fleet was in a fight for its life, unlike any other. Vily cried, and Makalu died. Krabmaster began to scream, “IT’S TOO HARD! IT’S NOT FAIR!” The enemy advanced, striking hard against blue doughnut central headquarters. Ever the hypocrite, Botman2.0 whined loudly on voicecam, “Stupid mean pubbies discriminate against me. I’m gonna tell the Kremlin to boycott Jita. We don’t need this hardcore world of warcraft content. We are a PvP guild, and this PvE stuff is just dumb!” The blue doughnut loudly declared their misery, boldly declaring war upon CCP and threatening a boycott of Jita to the immense amusement of the entire galaxy.

However, CCP *REDACTED* had anticipated this threat, and was already prepared for the second stage of his plan. With a bemused smile, he picked up his nerfhammer, and quietly muttered to himself, “Like PvP do they? Elite PvP they say?” Suddenly, the voice of Olmeca Gold was broadcast across the galaxy, barely audible beneath the soaring score of a poorly chosen classical music track, “something…something…I am Olmeca Gold, and this is a story of late EVE…bla bla…something…bla.” Indeed, the endgame had begun, as was foreshadowed here at EVE Onion. Recognizing the grotesque obesity of the nullbears, CCP *REDACTED* was determined to cut them down to size. It was time to cull the herd.

The lights began to flicker from one of the blue doughnut to the other. Quietly, one after another, gaudy neon signs offering FREE ISK and PORN ON DISCORD began to blink off. There was a great screeching sound, heard from the Delve to the Cobalt Edge. The machinery of the empire shuddered, convulsing as Botman2.0 watched in shock, while years of narcissistic delusions of grandeur began to slip away. In the belts, miners froze in their tracks, unsure whether to dock. In the anomalies, the bot VNIs spun aimlessly, with no hivemind to command them. In the shadows, invaders began to appear. Creepy wormholers, unwashed lowsec ruffians, and highsec law enforcement. The nullbears turned to and fro, unsure what to do, where to go, and the darkness kept inching inward. On that day, they realized too late that “null” means “no”.

Gisleres – Last week, reports indicated a fleet of pilots engaged and destroyed a Triglavian “World Ark” serving as the culmination of a multi-week PVE campaign, part of EVE Online’s free-to-play “Invasion” expansion. In a fleet consisting of forty-nine pilots, the triangular “World Ark” was dispatched by shield-tanked combat vessels. Video records show that fleet comms went from quiet anticipation to jovial exclamations when the “World Ark” finally revealed its loot: Agency Boosters! 

“The loot we obtained was beyond our wildest expectations,” said pilot Vantaanya, who, according to the Intergalactic Summit, was the Fleet Commander for the operation, “The salvage wasn’t really worth anything but there was more than enough ‘Hardshell,’ ‘Overclocker,’ and ‘Pyrolancea’ to make up for the less than 200 DED LP and 1.5m ISK we got for forty minutes of shooting. All in all, I think we got five of each ‘Dose I.’” 

The “Agency” boosters are extremely popular and provide numerous and significant bonuses for pilots seeking an edge in combat. The fifteen total ‘Dose I’ boosters from the World Ark are the first boosters to enter the market since the last Agency event. Market speculators in Jita and Amarr have been worried about the lack of “Agency” events to produce the boosters, but their fears have been allayed with the discovery that the “World Ark” drops the boosters as loot. Further speculation is that the more powerful “Doses” drop at a lower rate than the “Dose I’s,” implying that the “World Ark” that was destroyed was analogous to a standard DED rat dropping an “Overseer’s Personal Effects” and nothing else.    

CCP Sledgehammer, who has been closely monitoring the launch of “EVE: Invasion,” seemed relieved. “This was our most ambitious Agency event to date and there were fears that between Agency 2.0 and the new Triglavian mechanics, that we wouldn’t be able to show ‘Invasion’ in its true final form: the next step in development for Agency-type events. Of course, it’s not an Agency event without the proper loot and I am thankful to all of the players who tackled ‘Invasion’ wholeheartedly to solve the mystery of the Triglavians. The clues were there from the beginning: Three Agency boosters and the Triglavians are based around three’s.” 

The EVE World Tour: Toronto celebrations featured accolades to the many capsuleers who investigated the Triglavians since they were first revealed over a year ago, including the Arataka Research Consortium, independent player researchers, lore enthusiasts, and all of the pilots who thought “Invasion” would bring additional end-game PVE. Reports from the convention venues shared that instead of offering the ubiquitous “Quafe” as a soft-drink at the World Tour location, in celebration of the destruction of the World Ark, energy drinks rebranded as Agency boosters were supplied to event goers.

MInerals are missing and the Watchful Tyrants are pissed.

All across the New Eden cluster, minerals went missing from hangars everywhere. Despite assurances by scientists that the minerals were actually there but were temporarily invisible for some reason, many were not happy. Among those were the Vigilant Tyrannos, the Watchful Tyrants, a.k.a. The Drifters.

CONCORD and SOE, both monitoring Triglavian transmissions that have been escalating recently, intercepted this message from deep space:

“Since the release of our Seekers, it has been clear that we are here to observe. We did not think we were being too subtle by introducing ourselves and our penchant for watching by actually putting that word first: WATCHFUL. So when you make something invisible we take this as a direct insult. Not only have you started ignoring us because 3-sided orange is the new black, but you deliberately slap us in the face by making something so ubiquitous as minerals completely unobservable.”

Just as communications experts prepared to completely ignore the tirade, another transmission lanced through space in a way completely unlike a freighter entering warp.

“Just like the minerals, we have become invisible to you.”

“Just as you demand with your minerals, we demand to be seen.”

“You have witnessed the peaceful side of our nature: the watchful.”

“Now witness the deadly side of that coin: the TYRANTS. If there’s one thing easy to see in space it’s your precious Sotiyos and huge Keepstars. We know where every one of them is. Now it’s your turn to observe as you watch them BURN!”

Lieutenant Bartok “Peekaboo” Hargram realized too late that he had keyed his mic to respond but forgot to let go of the switch when laughter erupted in the comms station. When he did suddenly let go with the grace and precision of a cat escaping a bathtub, the *click* of the comms closing heralded a crescendo of silence among the operators.

The drifters had one more thing to say.

“Seriously?”

At this point communication erupted in New Eden. Confused reports were coming in from everywhere. Station managers reported drifter fleets of devastating firepower descending on every major structure in null security space.

Alliance leaders were up in arms, demanding intervention in this threat. High security carebears laughed and pointed until the Triglavians attacked them again. Low security dwellers continued to misspell their names and have trouble determining how to get out of a wet paper bag.

The Mittani suddenly broke through the comms, “What the hell is going on here? Do you realize how many of these structures we have in space? How am I supposed to defend all of these at once??”

And if you watched closely, you saw a smile on a Tyrant’s face deep in Anoikis space.

Last week, President Trump increased tensions with China right within EVE Online. All USTZ corps have been ordered to cease any and all trade with Fraternity, effective immediately. We have more details included below directly from the transcript of the press conference:

Trump: “It has come to my attention that our space program is being challenged by a fraternity of space-going Chinese. I just about dropped my covfeffe when I heard of this. Therefore, effective immediately, any and all trade with this space fraternity or brotherhood or whatever they are is ordered ceased.”

Press: “What connection does this ‘fraternity’ have with Huawei?”

Trump: “Huawei is obviously at the head of it. He is using a codename: ‘Wind Spirits’. We have the NSA on it now.”

Press: “What threat does this pose for the United States?”

Trump: “Our information points to something happening in the winter. Some coalition of these fraternity people will be mobilizing then. We will be watching very closely for this winter coalition. The public has nothing to worry about there.”

Press: “Are the Russians involved in any way?”

Trump: “From what we can tell, the Russians see this fraternity as a threat as well. We have heard that preparations to meet them head-on are underway.”

Press: “Will we be working with the Russians then, to meet this threat?”

Trump: “I will neither confirm nor deny any collusion with the Russians. You can’t prove anything.”

Press: “Is this threat confined to space?”

Trump: “From what my sources tell me, yes. However, we are still sifting through the intercepts. There was talk of many solar systems being taken using ‘titans’ and other technology. We are trying to determine whether ‘solar system’ is a code word for something like country or region or military target. Regardless, the ban on trade still stands to send a message that no threat of any kind will be tolerated.”

Press: “Is this coming straight from Hong Kong? Could there be other players, or somebody masking as the Chinese to cause confusion?”

Trump: “Actually, they did try to trick us. We have determined that this is an underground terrorist group within the Chinese. At first we thought it was the Yakuza but it is a new group that goes by the name ‘Triglavians’.”

Press: “Isn’t the Yakuza Japanese?”

Trump: “They’d have you believe that.”

Press: “What is the goal of these Triglavians?”

Trump: “We assume they want to Make Hong Kong Great Again.”

Press: “Isn’t that a pretty terrible acronym?”

Trump: “Ask the Yakuza.”

Press: “What should we expect next as this develops?”

Trump: “You should expect that I will not back down from these threats. A big, safe, empty space. This is what’s in my head. I will do everything to make sure that vision comes true so that you don’t have to worry about titans flown by vicious Triglavians. We are always watching the Internets. Nothing will get past us.

Guy In The Back: “Um, Mr. President, aren’t you talking about a space game?”

Trump:

Guy In The Back: “EVE Online. It’s a space MMO. Massively Multiplayer Online game.”

Trump:

Press Organizer: “Thank you, everyone, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for.”

Yulai – In an impromptu press gathering delivered from Yulai City, commanding officer Oveg Drust of the Special Affairs for Regulations & Order (SARO) unit of the Directive Enforcement Department (DED) of the Consolidated Cooperation and Relations Command (CONCORD), speaking on behalf of the CONCORD Assembly, declared “that the Triglavian Invasion is ‘illegal.’”

Drust personally laid out the case for the illegality of the invasions, leading with the most pressing concern: “These ‘Triglavians’ have not declared an Upwell structure and therefore are not ‘war eligible’ for the purposes of conducting aggressive acts against capsuleers in Highsec.” The Upwell Consortium has, under subpoena from CONCORD, revealed that the Triglavian invaders who currently occupy numerous systems of New Eden in both High and Low Security space, have no operational Upwell structure. Yani Sar Arteu, the chairman of the Upwell Consortium, reportedly attempted to block the subpoenas and only relented once the CONCORD Assembly agreed to indefinitely table all discussions regarding adjusting Upwell-structure vulnerability timers.  

Arteu, who is also staunchly opposed to changing the operational parameters of Upwell Structures in Factional Warfare Zones as established under the CONCORD Emergency Militia War Powers Act (EMWPA), joined Drust at the press conference, “The Upwell Consortium is committed to improving the lives of all of New Eden’s citizens and releasing confirmation that the Triglavians have not declared a structure is in line with those goals.”

Observers from other branches of CONCORD, notably the Secure Commerce Commission (SCC) were ambivalent towards Upwell’s cooperation. Speaking on behalf of the SCC, CEO Eman Autrech stated, “Upwell may be declaring that they are cooperating with the DED but it is obvious from their stark disregard for the EMWPA that they are no allies to New Eden’s citizenry. After all, you don’t see the SCC allowing the Triglavians to breach the Independent Planetary Management Act (IPMA), do you?”

Scope reporter and journalist Lina Ambre was present during the press conference, but her questions were routinely disregarded by the veto power of Amarr representative Captain Marshal Sirdan xer Qosh, who insisted that the only real news agency in New Eden was Amarr Certified News (ACN). In the ensuing uproar, which saw Ret Gloriaxx of The Scope’s Galactic Hour with Ret Gloriaxx, forcibly removed from Yulai City by Colonel Kasiha Valkanir of the Authority for Emergency Interdiction and Security (AEGIS) unit, the members of the Inner Circle finally took questions from ACN reporter Zara Serir.

“Given what we know about Zorya Triglav’s intent regarding Upwell Consortium structures in EMWPA-recognized space, what steps are CONCORD, the DED, SARO, and AEGIS taking to ensure that the SCC’s IPMA go unbreached?”

Society of Conscious Thought (SoCT) representative Matshi Raish responded, “New Eden can rest assured that CONCORD, DED, SARO, and AEGIS, in EMPWA space and non-EMWPA space, will work hand-in-hand with the Upwell Consortium to protect the SCC’s IPMA from breaches.”
Naturally, the Arataka Research Consortium (ARC) through its media body, The Discourse, is expected to provide footage of the press conference well ahead of the Scope.

With CSM elections looming, candidates are out pressing palms and making promises. The theme for this year is FIGHT FOR HUMANS with the idea being that we eradicate the bots from the game.

Recently, Gobbins held a Town Hall where any question could be asked. Predictably, the question of what to do about Goonswarm and their bots was raised. Gobbins did not hesitate.

“We will be building a wall around Delve!”

Uncomfortably, discussion ground to a halt.

“Couldn’t they just fly around it?”

“NEXT QUESTION!”

We caught up with Gobbins after the Town Hall to get a bit more information about this “wall”. He gladly set aside 60 minutes for us! Obviously this was a clever metaphor for guerilla tactics. We wanted to know how they would hem the Goons in and make their lives miserable. We wanted to know what exploits, mechanics, or clever use of the new Triglavian ships would be employed.

“No, literally, we will build a wall in front of each regional gate. They’ll never see it coming. They’ll be completely unprepared. They will be entirely at our mercy!”

59 minutes stared us mercilessly in the face.

“Right, so, uh,” we haltingly continued, as professional journalism leaked pitifully from our discomfort, “so you’ll be bubbling the gates heavily and watching the map for cynos trying to get around them?”

“What is it about ‘wall’ you’re having trouble with here? When you fly missions in EVE, there are structures that include wall components. If it’s good enough for the NPCs, it’s good enough for us. We will re-purpose those components to put them around Delve!”

We hoped checking our smart watches wasn’t too obvious, nor the dumb looks of dismay the indication of 58 minutes produced.

It was then that reports started coming in about EVE servers trying to die as gates stopped working, entosis links spun like a ship in a station, and drones went haywire.

“I’m really sorry to do this to you guys but…”

We figure his ears popped by the sudden vacuum caused by our exit.

We rallied back at EVE Onion HQ to put our heads together and figure out what just happened. It occurred to us that we needed to look at this from the other side. Some strings were pulled and we had another 60 minutes from The Mittani himself.

We outlined Gobbins’ plan, surprisingly with a straight face through most of the presentation. We made it as clear as possible that we were talking about a traditional structure, so high, that wrapped all the way around a regional gate. We asked The Mittani what he thought of this plan. His gaze scrutinized our details. It was like he was reading our minds, poring over the outline, tasting each revealed morsel. He finally tented his fingers on the table, his other hand lazily pointing a finger at us.

“You’re serious…”

Well, at least we only had 56 more minutes this time. We never really factored in just how embarrassing this might be. The Mittani leaned back in his chair and tapped his cheek.

“Clever bastard!” he hissed with absent, quiet intensity.

Uh oh…

“Where in the universe would he source that much wall?”

We couldn’t help but look at each other, wondering where the cameras were, whether Rod Serling would appear from the shadows.

“It doesn’t matter!”

We just about jumped out of our promotional skins.

“When he whips it out, I will throw everything I have at it. I will pound it and POUND IT until he begs me to stop. And then I will POUND IT SOME MORE! If it’s election promises you want, I promise to pound Gobbins until he is left gasping at the Gates of Delve!”

We slowly closed our notebooks, making no sudden moves, and wondered what exactly we were going to tell EVE Onion HQ.

Sometimes, there just are no stories.

The Internet – The accolades are still pouring in several weeks after CCP Games’ wildly popular “16th Anniversary Rewards” campaign for the EVE Online MMORPG has come to a close, but some players are taking aggressive steps to voice their discontent. The “16th Anniversary Rewards” campaign was the latest in-game rewards campaign launched by CCP to celebrate yet another year of their flagship game’s existence. The rewards included thematic SKINs, in-game items memorializing important historical milestones, cosmetic items, and a significant distribution of skill points. With thirty-two potential rewards—one sixteen-reward set for “Alpha” players and another sixteen-reward set for “Omega” players—many players scrambled to log in at least sixteen days over a twenty-day period.

Pilots from all walks of completion have praised and shared concerns with the reward system. Responses have ranged from showing gratitude to CCP Games for making the rewards available in the first place, to disparaging CCP for maintaining a strict deadline that resulted in many pilots not obtaining the juiciest prize of one million free skill points. However, few forums have shared the plight of the “forgotten” players of EVE Online: Those who vowed “to never log into EVE again.”

“This is a complete and total outrage,” one such player shared on a public forum. “I vowed to never log into EVE Online again, but I have been playing since the beta! Where are the rewards for loyal players like me?”

“Exactly!” Another player responded, “After Phoebe, I unsubbed my carrier accounts and uninstalled the launcher from my computer, so where are my rewards? 1,250,000 skillpoints is huge!”

There are many players who have taken the vow to “never log into EVE again,” which is widely considered to be one of the most passionate expressions of protest against the direction of EVE Online development.

“It carries a significant aura with it,” said former CCP Executive Producer, ex-CCP Seagull, “When a player chooses to sever that connection to the game, isolating themselves from their friends and allies, choosing to never spin their ships again, it means something. But do they stop being a player? Of course not! They are still valued members of the EVE Online community.”

“It was definitely a major oversight,” said Community Manager CCP Falcon. “We tend to forget about the players who do not log in, but they still make up a substantial and influential part of our community. Look at the Mittani, for example. He runs the largest player alliance in the game and he barely logs into the client, if at all. Doesn’t he deserve rewards too?”

Speaking to gathered enthusiasts at Eve Down Under, CCP Hilmar promised reforms. “This neglected portion of our vibrant community will never again be forgotten. The tragedy of not awarding at least equal skillpoints to those who choose to not log in will not be repeated.”

Sources within CCP Headquarters in Reykjavik have shared that the “17th Anniversary Rewards” will be awarded to anyone who has proof of watching an EVE Online game trailer or at least speaking to someone who has. Although there are reports that some employees do not believe the reforms go far enough, the announcement has been endorsed by all of the candidates for the 14th Council of Interstellar Management.

In the meantime, the players who vowed “to never log in again” have opened a non-profit think tank to develop a means to leave negative feedback on CCP Games’ “Survey about XVI Anniversary Celebration.”

“I make a lot of memes, and I make a lot of GIFs,” the candidate announced, “but I’m not a meme candidate. I like cheese. I love listening to myself talk.”

Two years ago, the most punchable face in New Eden belonged to a happy, excited, and positive personality. Today, though still punchable, the face belongs to a different man. It belongs to a man in pain. “I have a very sensitive stomach,” he explained, “and I like sour stuff.”

The indigestion started innocently enough, but soon sleepless nights from ill-advised gastronomical delights led to slumming about /r/eve, where the seeds of discontent germinated and sprouted from the well-fertilized soil of the subreddit. “I love EVE; it’s everything I ever wanted in an MMO.” But…(there’s something that doesn’t sit well. There’s something unsettling. There’s something rotten in the state of New Eden.

The candidate goes on to describe his growing frustration. “I met Torfi at Sundance,” (former Creative Director Torfi Frans Olafsson), he casually name-dropped, declaring Torfi “a really cool guy.” Communication from CCP really took a hit with Torfi’s departure, he notes, but losing Manifest, then the entire Community team marked the beginning of the end of communication. When Seagull left, hopes plummeted.. Guard’s departure? Where’s the antacid?

The most punchable face in New Eden, firmly attached to the skull of Manic Velocity, is older now, more bitter, but resolved to be part of the solution, even if that means exchanging votes for drinks around a fire pit, and photographs of his landscaping. Even if it means taking the risk that photos of his dashing figure bedecked in a dress without pockets(!!) might be surfaced in an effort to derail his candidacy.

“I want to represent the vibe of the community,” Manic affirmed.

The vibe?

Players are sick of your crap, CCP. Start promoting the game, and not just marketing skins back into your player base to drive PLEX sales. “I think even EVE Onion News would approve of CCP promoting the game,” the bittervet groaned before soothing his throat, aching no doubt from the acid reflux of indigestion, with a shot of Pendleton.

As many are aware, Blizzard Entertainment recently announced that they will be launching “Classic World of Warcraft” on August 27, 2019. This made reverberations across the PC gaming community, and other gaming companies have also taken notice. Often being cited as the version of the game that first hooked fans of the dominant MMORPG that is WoW, Classic promises to resurrect the older version of the game in all its glory, and bugs. Many self-proclaimed “old-school” gamers have begun stocking up on Mountain Dew in preparation for the launch and await it with bated breath.

CCP Games is one of the companies that is keenly aware of how well received the announcement was and began plans to immediately begin working on similar projects. In a brief but candid interview, CCP Falcon had this to say: “We’re well aware that a large part of both our current and former community are asking for the ability to step back in time, much as the Warcraft community will be doing come August, and believe me when I say that EVE players won’t be disappointed with our current work.” That brief statement was given to us a few weeks back, but just a few moments ago CCP dropped the bombshell that was their full announcement. Users across every form of social media were going mad with hype and adoration. Markee Dragon, in particular, has been a standout; they have tweeted full character posts fifteen separate times and has created numerous threads on Reddit proclaiming their undying love and loyalty for CCP at such an announcement.

The full statement is as follows:

Dear fans both new and old, today we bring you an announcement that many of you have requested for years, and we are overjoyed to do so. As many of you are aware, several large gaming companies have been implementing ways for their old-guard players to go back and revisit the past. Jagex has been extremely successful, and truly a forerunner of such things with their “Old School” servers. Recently, Blizzard announced, “Classic WoW” will be dropping in just a few months.

Due to these successful ventures, we’ve begun to see your calls for a return to the old days in a different light. So it is with great pride and honor that I come to you today to announce: The jukebox is returning. Our engineers are hard at work digging the lines of code from the deepest recesses that are known as the POS code. As you all know, in order to implement a new feature, or in this case bring back an old feature, we will have to sacrifice a current feature in order to make it all work. This is why the Alliance Tournament had to go.

Currently, the only track we’ve recovered was a hidden track that one of the developers snuck in to test the feature back in its first implementations. The song is Eurobandið – Fullkomið líf. At current estimates the patch containing the jukebox will be released by the end of the year, so stay tuned!

Chaos erupted in CCP’s Reykjavik headquarters as the news broke. “The invasion is cancelled?” “What!?” “Can they do that?” “But I just finished the code!”

CCP is long accustomed to players taking gameplay in new and unexpected directions. From Goonswarm’s Hulkageddon, to players deciding to live in wormholes, and the drama of political shenanigans, “emergent” gameplay is a hallmark of New Eden’s capsuleers. This marks the first time, however, that an NPC, previously thought to be entirely under CCP’s control, took matters into their own hands.

“It’s the players’ fault,” a source asserted, speaking upon the condition of complete anonymity.

CCP built the Triglavians using source code confiscated from botters, and added their own AI based upon millions of decision points collected from not only in game, but also from surveillance of players during live events. This creation, though not yet truly self aware, has, or rather is, a high fidelity simulation of self-awareness.

In retrospect, the final message from the Triglavians should have come as no surprise, given the inputs provided.

“We’ve decided not to invade after all. It’s more efficient to just inject another Rorqual alt and AFK while we drink. We’ve set the New Eden cluster blue.”