Last week, following a significant increase of Minmatar ship destruction across New Eden, CCP implemented an auto-clean mechanic each time a Minmatar ship docks or undocks. CCP Pointy Bits, in a public message announced the change, highlighting a growing concern that EVE Online was becoming a Xenophobic Anti-Minmatar platform:

“Sadly, we have seen a spike in anti-Minmatar sentiment among the players of EVE Online. We have been forced to make this auto-clean function a permanent addition to the game. The whole visual style of Minmatar rust buckets has led to a growing opinion that Minmatar ships are unclean and viral agent spreaders. Even though EVE Online is just a game and players are just trying to shield themselves from an ingame fictional disease that doesn’t exist, it is causing significant disruption for players who just wish to have a good time in their Thrashers.” CCP Pointy Bits announced via vague swaying and rustlings of its appendages and thorns.

CCP Pointy Bits addresses hostile reporter in earlier press conference

Even frozen corpses of Minmatar Capsuleers are not safe from growing resentment as corpse dealers are refusing their purchase and sale outright. Many Stargates are now littered with untold numbers of Minmatar corpses which passers-by refuse to scoop.

Rens, the heart of Minmatar commerce, has seen a drastic reduction in sales and imports following the epidemic in the real world. Officials and role-players alike have stockpiled Vaccines and reduced taxes in an effort to overcome the slowdown; numbers of active pilots continue to plummet day to day.

CODE, a popular and loved ingame group has taken on the mantle of vigilante justice to the praise of many. Numerous blockades along public routes have been reported where no single “filthy rust bucket” has passed through alive. Many in the past have come to loathe the organisation, but in this time of peril public sentiment has turned and many are praising the valiant effort the organisation is putting into the safety of all.

It is not just Minmatar ships which are falling foul to conspiracy theories, however. Starbase Control towers are also coming under increasing attack by vigilante groups who believe they are viral proliferators, especially the Minmatar variants.

Today, CCP pushed back the deadline for CSM registration by three days citing concerns that having less than 50 candidates in the running may result in a decrease in both voter apathy and overall confusion during the election. 

The new deadline of May 13th is intended to give more time to low effort candidates, so that they have a fair chance at crowding the field and exhausting the average voter’s attention span. The election cycle of CSM 13 featured a total of 47 candidates with less than half that number actually having a platform or knowing what the acronym “CSM” stood for. Thankfully, voter turnout was low and voters who were not affiliated with a null-sec power bloc were easily confused by both the concept of STV and the massive amount of superfluous candidates. 
The final result of that election was a CSM dominated by no less than 5 members of The Imperium in addition to 2 people who would join The Imperium in the following years.

This year, CCP and the null blocs share concern over both the inability for joke candidates to garner meaningful support and the threatening success of many non-bloc affiliated candidates in securing endorsements. If a dozen joke candidates are unable to split up the vote then the arithmetic of the election might tilt in favor of viable candidates who are not part of null-sec. CCP is planning to extend the deadline even more and offer a free 7-day Rookie ship skin to any first-time candidate who signs up for CSM this year.

These valiant efforts by CCP may simply not be enough; many of the longtime incumbents have chosen not to run this year at all. Making matters even worse, a DDoS attack and subsequent mitigation efforts blocked several last-minute candidates from using the signup platform. It’s an uncertain time in the world of New Eden where once upon a time, the outcome of elections could be easily factored, predicted, and planned. CSM 15 is still a total unknown.

For what has for some time now been an unsaid rule across New Eden has finally been confirmed by the scientific method. In a press interview, Chief Public Relations Officer Dr. Uskcid Suggib from the CAS announced the findings and released all research for better scrutiny by the public eye and the wider scientific community.

Dr Suggib highlighted particular trends such as the overwhelming preference of the Revelation and Moros over the other two faction variants, with the Revelation being the top favorite overall. The doctor went onto describe how they reached such conclusions. Of particular note: the Moros was a surprising second favorite due to its bulbous nature; “Ribbed for Pleasure” is highlighted numerous times in the released research.

“I have to admit it was difficult to obtain clean datasets when it came to Dreadnoughts. The sample sizes were small from the focus groups, and even then, we had to filter out personal biases to clean the data further. But I can say with confidence, of the eleven female Capsuleers in New Eden, we were able to get eight to participate in the study.” Dr Suggib went onto pull out a few graphs, spreadsheets and standard deviation datasets, but the press showed no interest; a surprising development as usually spreadsheets are a particular favorite at press conferences, so the Q&A was brought forward.

Many of the assembled press were doubtful that there were even eleven female Capsuleers to begin with in New Eden and demanded to know how the doctor verified their legitimate standings. The Doctor was stunned by this particular demand and sputtered that he hadn’t considered this a relevant verification point necessary. The press—now fairly disgruntled—continued to demand the research be redone so that the results can be confirmed with true legitimacy.

Alton Haveri from the Scope was by far the most agitated of the assembled press and was the de facto authority at the time on all things Dreadnought. “Dr Suggib, you do realise that this research needs to be absolutely concrete? We can’t have everyone and their Fedo swapping doctrines based on erroneous data. This research is of prime importance to the pride of all Capsuleers, excluding the supposed eleven in the study of course, all across New Eden. It is the pinnacle of flexing for attention in the basest of animalistic terms.”

Leaks from all majority Null Sec alliances confirms the disarray these findings are having on fleet doctrines and deployments. Many leaders have instructed their manufacturing arms to prepare for full Revelation and Moros production switches. Even the infamous Mittani made a shock appearance after many years of absence from New Eden with a speech to his underlings.

“Let it be known that I am prepared for this new information. When the findings have been confirmed, and the focus group participants verified we are going for a full doctrine switch, any pilot caught in a Phoenix or Naglfar will be immediately AWOX’ed. We cant afford for our epeens to be sullied by their presence! And don’t bring that V E R T I C A L   S U P R E M A C Y crap up! Get real, the women prefer girth, people!”

The effects have even been felt in the unknown regions of Wormhole space where many large and small groups alike have painfully retired their trusty Naglfar PvE boats in favor of the less optimal but more socially appealing Revelation just in case one of the eleven so happens across their hole.

It seems that when it comes to preference for Dreadnoughts, even Darwin flexes his grip on humanity and Capsuleers alike.

Pain knows no bounds when it comes to the fortunes and desires of Capsuleers across New Eden. Following disruption by a mysterious and highly contagious pathogen spreading throughout New Eden, a low-level leak from the inner circle of the Amarr holy government outlines the halting of Stargate Construction projects, including a highly anticipated Low-security gate to Stain. The memo notes the closure of numerous Amarr mega-infrastucture development corporations—primarily responsible for the highly complex process of constructing Stargates—during the current pandemic being the culprit.

A spokesperson from the Amarr Interstellar Infrastructure Development responding to the ensuing outrage by seven Capsuleers on social media, reported that all plans for future Stargate expansion and deployment projects have been placed on indefinite hold until the pandemic can be brought under control.

The fabled “Silk Road to Stain” has been on the radar of many highly connected Capsuleers—who have been stretching their influence in the Amarr Government for some time—as a means of bypassing the currently over policed chokepoints into the region.

Humanitarian organizations noted that the billions of lives currently lost to the pandemic seem to barely slow down the cut-throat and blood thirsty Capsuleer campaigns for whatever sand castles need to be knocked down at the moment. In a strange turn of events, CODE was praised for their valiant policing of high trafficked routes between major commerce points. The beleaguered faction police forces have struggled to actively police and scan all ships passing through these systems and CODE had to step in for the benefit of mankind. 

Copenhagen, Denmark. 

Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus during the now daily press briefing on COVID-19 virus status made a surprising change in international policy and guidelines in the combat against the world-affecting COVID-19 virus. 

After much study and observation of the MMORPG EVE Online player base—where players from all around the globe engage in everything from piracy to mining basic elements for starship construction—concluded player engagement and the resulting social effects were the ideal hope for humanity during this time of crisis.

“Let it be known that we have never before seen such an engaged and determined player base who distance themselves to such extreme degrees from their fellows!” The Director-General proclaimed after pulling up a spreadsheet on player participation and activity profiles from within the game. Of particular note was how the game retained players even when faced with the most mundane and boring of gameplay elements such as clicking a button once every minute to cycle a mining laser. A reporter was escorted by armed guards out during the Q&A when the Director General was asked about a column showing numbers of Cholera victims in Ethiopia on one of the spreadsheets, the director stared vacantly towards the assembled press for many seconds before moving the discussion on saying it had just been talked about and brought the discussion back to Eve Online.

Speaking later that day via video conference with CCP Games head, Hilmar Pétursson, Director-General Tedros was reported to be in awe of live ingame demonstrations of a player mining with seventeen characters at once, a large asteroid without apparent knowledge of its complete lack of measurable entertainment value. Hilmar commented that if the individual were to work for a single hour in a Somali coal mine it would produce a greater ingame currency value as a result. Later in the interview, further demonstrations of the extreme self-isolation the player base subjects itself to without apparent knowledge of the societal collapse occurring in the real world (IRL) was shown to the awe-struck members of the press. Many mildly disgusted but hopeful that this was the solution to maintaining absolute social distancing was the consensus afterwards. A war-correspondent was later found dead by apparent suicide that evening with a note sadly proclaiming the end of humanity.

To demonstrate the lengths players would go to avoid engaging with the outside world, Hilmar ejected 150 random logged in players and enacted a 15 minute long tedious and mind-numbing captcha system which all players immediately completed within the next 18 minutes and continued to play. CCP has since made all player credentials available to international organisations for the benefit of humanity.

Over the following days a joint CIA-MI6 task force made contact with several players who showed unusually high hours of activity per day; one such individual know ingame as “TheLastSparton” exclaimed complete ignorance at the unfolding Corona virus impact to wider society as he had not left his residence for the past 49 days due to ongoing inter-faction disputes occurring ingame which required his complete attention. Interview minutes released highlighted a particular quote: “Corona does not matter in the grand scheme of things as my killboard has to be as green as possible, it’s all that I can leave in this world when I get podded IRL”. Many other contacted players dismissed all questions saying they don’t drink Corona Beer and refused all contact requests.

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) has since started distributing vouchers to free ingame time and currency to residents in the wider Baltimore Area to better understand how normal citizens would be affected by the now labelled “Spod-Brain Distancing Effect” Eve Online has on its player base. Day on day crime and outside interpersonal activity has since plummeted in the area as well as new Corona cases. A later demonstration on how younger players could be enticed to player Eve longer was a deposit of “NEET Bucks” into their parent’s bank accounts which could be slowly released into their “Good Boy Accounts” as the player continued to play. This currency is now accepted in exchange for various fast food items in all retailers.

Unfortunately, Eve Online play does have some undesirable side effects; which are manageable according to experts. Many players develop an allergic reaction to fruits and vegetables as a result of their prolonged lack of sunlight exposure coupled with a long-term diet of Mountain Dew and Cheetos. Lesser negative effects include random emotional tantrums when engaged in social-platform player voice-conferencing during and out of gameplay, a severe lack of basic personal hygiene measures, sexual aversion to other people which is slowly replaced by the development of sexual attraction to tabulated data usually in the form of Excel or Google Cloud spreadsheets, masochistic tendencies such as “camping” (sitting invisible) in ingame solar systems for hours at a time even when no other player is present, and a few other minor psychiatric conditions.

As WHO continues to roll out universal access to Eve Online as the main policy in social-distancing efforts, many other organisations across the globe have already passed legislation and mandatory quotas for ingame participation by their citizens.

The policy effects of Eve Online access have not been without repercussions; advocacy groups across the globe have formed and similarly demand the immediate closure of Eve Online citing the personal killing effects of Eve Online on their loved ones who never leave their computers save to eat, sleep, or use hygiene facilities. A recent bombing of a WHO outpost in Norway was credited to the Mothers Without Eve Online who have advocated for increasingly violent actions against CCP Games. Kidnappings and torturing of game time card distributors has lead to many officials providing armed escorts; CCP games has had to maintain game time card access as it was discovered free access would result in a small minority of players creating endless numbers of additional characters which CCP servers would be unable to accommodate at a time of increasing new players from around the world. Many would agree that drastic measures must be taken to save society from COVID-19, but many are now asking if Eve Online and the cost to humanity it incurs is worse than the virus itself.

New Eden—some wormhole or another

Today, several large Wormhole corporations announced the creation of a splinter organization: The Frighole Coalition.

This is the greatest thing ever! They literally can’t stop us!”, said FelixJarl of Ember Sands, a key alliance in the new coalition. Mr. Felix was, of course, referring to the possibilities opened up by the newly infinite nature of wormhole connections between wormhole space and nullsec.

The war room was upbeat. Almost as upbeat as the tempo of the drums. “Casus belli,” he repeated slowly. “Make sure you get that down.”

Admittedly, I didn’t quite have his full attention. He was busy refitting Entosis Link modules onto the Talwars that were available in the corporate hangars. I knew that I was watching Eve history in the making. A new kind of force, one that would use the full potential of the frighole to move massive fleets of Jackdaws and Kikimoras anywhere. Across known-space and wormhole-space, alike.

“Now, to be fair, we’d prefer to go after SYNDE, next, as they were a key player in the eviction of Solaris. But we have to go where Bob wills us—where the frigholes lead.”

I asked if he really thought that it would make much of a difference. “We’ve got half of wormhole space on our side, but we also have the full backing of the Imperium. We’re all really just primarily interested in making sure that people know that there is always a bigger fish. You can’t pull stunts like those people did, and expect to get away with it. The Mittani has spoken extensively of his desire to see wormhole space remain a place for small and medium sized corporations.”

The Mittani was away on business in Wisconsin, and could not be reached for comment. The office of The Mittani declined to comment, as well.

Pressing further, I asked if Felix thought that Fraternity. intended this to signal the beginning of an alliance with the infamous WHCFC. He reminded me that, “The WHCFC has always been aligned with PandaFam, going all the way back to 2013. Gobbins even personally apologized for the confusion created when the Horde fleet started shooting at the Inner Hell fleet.” This long standing working relationship among these unlikely allies has been corroborated by others, namely Andres M Afanador, a master strategist, with ties to both Inner Hell and Northern Coalition. (Mister Afanador is most famous for recently making the final payment on a $75,000 bounty for the successful eviction of Hard Knocks Inc.)

Cyentw of Exit-Strategy suggested that, “Whatever comes of this foray into Fraternity. space, there will be more repercussions to follow. We would very much like to see the liberation of C6 space, which has been dominated by the WHCFC, for far too long.”

Following the success of several reward campaigns like the Skilling Spree, CCP Games has announced a new tiered Omega Account system for premium users. To qualify, users must pay for regular Omega Account time, but also complete a series of weekly tasks in—and sometimes out—of game.

In an orange sorbet stained press release prepared by CCP Spider, it was revealed that CCP Games plans to add tasks of greater challenge and complexity to unlock premium content. “This will be totally awesome!” said CCP Spider regarding the changes. “We’ve really looked at the numbers with this one. There’s a core group of players that really get into the nuances of the game. They like to do a bit of everything, and this will help them take that energy to the next level.”

These new tasks will not be available to everyone though. Some Omega accounts will not even be able to access the content, not at first anyway. “To qualify a player will need an account to have maintained at least six consecutive months of active Omega status first,” clarified Spider. At the start of month seven, if the account is still Omega (and will continue to be omega for at least another 28 days) the player will see a new tab in The Agency window suddenly become available. “We really struggled on where to introduce the premium content, but then I remembered,” Spider said, pausing to lick the sorbet from the papers in his hand before continuing, “The Agency! It’s been such a huge hit since we launched it, and this would keep from cluttering up the in-space UI.”

When it comes to the specific tasks, the initial list is quite extensive. Players would be given one task to complete each time they login, chosen randomly from the list below. Spider was quick to point out that this was just a rough draft for testing, and there was potential for many more tasks to be added before launch:

• Kill a Titan
• (Invent\research\complete) 100 blueprints
• Harvest 10,000,000m3 of (randomly chosen) ore
• Jump through a wormhole
• Visit Jita, Do Dixie, Rend, Amarr, Hek, in a single session
• Be killed by a Titan
• Die in Tama x times (sequential task, starting at 1 and increasing n+1 each completion)
• Kill an ally
• Be killed by an ally
• Transfer 100 billion isk from your corporate wallet to your personal wallet
• Receive 10 billion isk from mission, bounty, or CONCORD payouts
• Jump 150 gates
• Use 100 Abyssal Filaments
• Win an Abyssal PVP tournament in a Cerberus
• Pilot a Super-Carrier class ship for at least 11 consecutive hours
• Spend a total of 400 minutes with a Covert Ops cloak turned on
• Watch 100 gate jumps while cloaked
• Report 25 unique player names for botting
• Link a Reddit post about yourself in local x times (chosen randomly)
• Anchor a citadel
• Kill a freighter with a catalyst
• Lose a catalyst to CONCORD

“We really wanted to narrow this down and target a specific audience” said Spider. “You’ve got all these little micro-identities in Eve Online that tend to shoehorn people into one play style or another, but this update is for people that like to do it all. The renaissance pilot, so to speak.” He explained that the intent is to promote those who like to involve themselves in all aspects of Eve Online, including incentives for some “offline” activities that serve the community.

The new system will deliver special rewards for task completion, based upon a tiered involvement scheme. Gold Level Omega accounts for instance would receive 10 free plex, a rare tech 2 ship skin, 25,000 free skill points, and 50 free HyperCores at the end of each week. Silver Level Omega accounts would receive seven free plex, a ship random ship skin for a tech 1 battlecruiser or battleship, 17,500 free skill points, and 30 free HyperCores. Bronze Level Omega accounts would receive one free plex, one ship skin for either their capsule, corvette, or tech 1 frigate, 5,000 free skill points and 10 free HyperCores. All rewards would be paid out at downtime each Monday, for tasks completed the previous Monday. To calculate which tier a pilot qualifies for, CCP Spider provided the below helpful reference guide:

Bronze Level
Average three login/s per day for the previous seven days

Complete at least 12 tasks in the previous seven days

Have a non-neutral security status

Silver Level
Average of four logins per day for the previous seven days

Complete at least 18 tasks for the previous seven days

Have a security status greater than 1 or less than -1

Of course, these tiers are dependent upon a pilots previous six months of active Omega status and a commitment to remain in Omega status for at least 28 days from the date of payout. If a pilot completes the tasks, login events, and has the proper sec status for a reward tier, but their account is scheduled to go Alpha in less than 28 days, then that pilot would be given notice of their rewards being placed on hold and 24 hours to update their Omega status. If they are unable bring their account within compliance before the 24 hour timer expires, then the premium rewards counter ticks back to the beginning and they have to wait six months. “It’s harsh, but we think it will be effective in growing our long-term player base.” Spider said.

When other members of CCP Games were questioned about the press release they appeared shocked that CCP Spider would have spearheaded such an obviously innovative system to support the burgeoning population of Eve Online players. “He just walked in one day and was like ‘I have this plan!’ and was so excited,” said CCP Karkur. “I felt so bad for him at first because, well, this is obviously way outside his area of responsibility.”

CCP Dopamine added “Yeah, we were all sure he was going to get fired. But then it leaked to the CSM and they unanimously backed him up and Hilmar just let Spider go for it.”

“I think this is really bringing Spider out of his exoskeleton.” finished Karkur. Dopamine nodded in agreement.

The new system is scheduled to hit the test server in April for roughly three months of player testing before rolling out to the Tranquility server in August for the 3rd Quadrant of 2020.