As mobile gaming takes the world by storm, from simple word game puzzles to first-person shooters now being a mainstream form of entertainment on tablets and smartphones, King, makers of the ultra-successful Candy Crush, have entered the MMO scene and bought CCP Games. CCP Games is most well known for the cutthroat MMO that is Eve Online, where piracy is encouraged, corporate espionage is the norm, and spreadsheets rule the stars.

King, in a press release this morning, has assured all spreadsheet aficionados of Eve Online that there is no threat of candy-shaped enemies appearing in New Eden any time soon. King was hesitant to answer questions on future monetization of Eve Online and only assured the press that any microtransactions they introduce would be completely unobtrusive to the vast majority of players and not necessarily affect any space shenanigans the players get up to.

Players have already voiced their doubts on social media but King has assayed their fears with vague comments about kitty-shaped appendages appearing in the near future of Eve Online. King has engaged in the past with Sanrio, the makers of Hello Kitty, for collaborative ventures so we may see Hello Kitty piloted capital ships in the near future of Eve Online. Fluffy cat ears have been high up on the player desire list for the spaceships.

Pearl Abyss, the prior owners of CCP Games sold the developer to King for a reported $500m, netting Pearl Abyss a handsome profit having only just recently acquired the developers themselves.

CCP Games CEO, Hilmar Pétursson, declined to comment outside the studio in Reykjavík. It was reported by insiders that he struggled down the main staircase later that evening with three suitcases all bulging at the seams with unknown contents. A single visible $100 note protruding from an improperly zipped corner was seen on one of the suitcases but this could not be confirmed at the time of publication. 

Announcing the “Dev Friend for a Day” Pack! Tired of flying solo or have you ever imagined spending up to 8 hours with your favorite CCP Developer playing EVE Online? Now you can with this newest pack from CCP Games! Once the pack has been purchased a GM will reach out to schedule the date, time, and which developer you would like to spend the day with. You may take them on roaming, on a structure bash, high sec ganking spree, or go wormhole diving! They will be there for you!. Need that expensive to get T2 BPO? No problem! Have them spawn it for you as a souvenir of your day! (Dev’s may only spawn one item for you to keep past the purchased pack time.) Or maybe you wanted that faction Titan! Make it so with the simple request of your Dev.

CCP Games hopes that this experience will help humanize and ease player’s concerns over Devs not playing the game they work on.

The pack is set to go on sale for the low price of 16,000 plex!

CCP Games to release “The CCP Developer Experience Pack”! This pack is purchasable once per year per account. The pack provides a three day experience where you can fly the ships that CCP Devs can.

The Polaris and Coackroach will be fully fit and available to capusleers who wish to bring to bare CCP Dev firepower to their enemies.

During this 3 day period the ships once destroyed will respawn in the players home station unlimited times.

Our source from within CCP Games says the initial price of the pack would be 2860 Plex or $99 USD.

With the announcement of the new depression mechanic coming to Eve Online, along with changes to battleships and other parts of the game, miners and industrialists all over New Eden are feeling a sense of dread at what some are calling, The next Great Depression…… in Eve.

“Of course I’m looking forward to losing the minerals I mined to reprocessing. No,  I can do it even better once I use the new compressor in my Porpoise”, said one player, as he shakily drank what looked like bourbon from a mug that reads “Rocks=$$$.” It is this reporter’s opinion that while some folks find the idea of industry relaxing and profitable, others find the time spent to be a little lopsided to the gains achieved. So it’s no surprise that the introduction of the new depression mechanic was a welcome addition to players that do literally anything besides industry. 

One player had this to say, “Listen, I like blowing up mining fleets as much as the next guy; but this new depression is gonna mean more people are gonna be out even greater numbers mining and depressing ore. It’s gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel. Damn near brings a tear to my eye.” As of the time of writing this article no industrialists were willing to make statements regarding their thoughts on the upcoming depression due to liquidating their assets in perpetration for fleet replacement. 

While some players appear to have a new found sense of excitement at the recent changes announced, others seem to be feeling stress, anxiety, and even a bit of panic. All of these things seem to be in line with other changes that have come to New Eden in past years, so this reporter isn’t too surprised.

Editor’s note: I’m being told that it’s actually a new “compression” mechanic. Doesn’t appear to change people’s feelings about the situation though. Oh well.

As part of the partnership program EVE Onion will now be offering one-of-a-kind, blockchain-certified, article-related NFTs! These tokens will be like digital snapshots of art to commemorate your favorite Onion articles. The Onion is currently seeking talented artists to assist in creating these lifelong memorabilia. DM Opus Magnum examples of your work!

It is inevitable that anything we love doing whether that be a hobby, dream job, relationship, or even your favorite space MMO can become a tiresome thing. You might be in denial at first, but eventually, you come around to the fact that you are indeed tired of the day in and day out grind. We here at EVE Onion News may not be therapists, but we do know a thing or two about being burned out on playing this almost two-decade-old game.

These are 5 signs you are burned out in EVE Online.

1. You find more joy in watching paint dry than ship spinning in Jita 4-4.
2. There is a desire to sit on the toilet for hours with diarrhea rather than logging in to do your 12-hour planetary interaction (PI) cycle on your 55 characters.
3. When it comes to choosing between EVE Online or that mobile game riddled with 30-second ads between every level. you choose the mobile game.
4. You find yourself browsing the most recent Steam sale for a game that will take your full attention rather than something you can play on the second monitor during a huge TiDi battle.
5. The final and most definite sign you are burned out on playing EVE Online is that you thought about resubbing to World of Warcraft.

Remember – Just because you are burned out of EVE Online doesn’t mean you have to quit paying your subscription. You and I both know you will be back and you will regret that lost training time. So, stay subbed, and take a break. I’m sure some CCP or community drama will pique your interest in playing again soon enough.

Iceland – Fresh off the heels of the wildly popular and successful Dr. Who event. CCP Games announces the next crossover event! The Icelandic gaming company has partnered with Amazon Studios to bring you The Expanse crossover event. A partnership so perfect for each other you would have thought they would have done it first! Space, factions, cloaking ships, and political drama! The one tv show that mirrors the dark galaxy of New Eden.

Few details have been announced, but certainly with a match such as this we will see all the gloves come off.

‘Twas the night before Yoiul, when all through the chain
Not a core probe was stirring as I mashed d-scan in vain;
My Proteus smart-bombs were heated with care,
In hopes that a newbro soon would be there.

My alts were cloaked up all safe at a spot;
While I dreamed of day-trippers or even a bot;
With Die Hard on one screen and a lap full of cat,
I decided to get out the Domis and rat.

When suddenly a new sig popped up into view,
And I mashed d-scan again to see what came through.
XMS-021 was the new sig on my list,
I narrowed my d-scan and gnawed on my fist.

A heron appeared on my scan, and then probes,
It warped to safe and I focused my lobes.
I scanned down the hole in a quick single pass,
Then warped to it at range to check out the mass.

I paused for a moment to admire the view,
Then suddenly not only one Praxis, but two!
They each warped to their own site launching cruises at range,
They were not even remote-rep, how retro and strange!

I pinged on corp comms for bombers all matched,
As I hurried to execute the plan I just hatched.
We warped bombers to pings, then anchored two bubbles,
Hoping like heck it was all worth the trouble.

I decloaked the Proteus and saw with delight,
That the Praxii aligned and prepared to take flight.
After eons they warped away straight to the hole,
Where they piled up nicely – exactly my goal!

We decloaked the bombers and aligned them the same,
I giggled on comms as I called each by name:
“Launch, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
Launch, Comet! and, Cupid! and, Donner NOT Blitzen!”

Let fly seven bombs and warp off to a spot!
Or don’t, and launch torps, but be sure they are hot!
The bombs hit their target, and Blitzen held fire,
Both Praxii dissolved into loot and charred wire.

The fits – they were blingy, and the pods were as well,
The loot fairy said “Yes” and the killmails were swell.
With virtual high-fives, we looted the wrecks,
We scooped blue loot and A-types and exchanged lots of keks.

A poll popped on Discord – what should we do,
The newbros in Praxii are feeling so blue.
They aren’t salty at all, but we know how it goes,
When you lose ships and loot it’s true that it blows.

The Heron is still here, trapped in our hole,
Which gives birth to a new plan, and a new content goal:
One vee one in the bubble, two Herons alone,
Ships to the death, but no harm to the clones.

The gauntlet is thrown, and the Chad takes the fight,
This is the way, it is awesome and right.
The Herons warp in to the well bubbled zone,
The scout has no weapons, but overheats drones.

Railguns and rockets make quick work of the scout,
But he gives “gf” in local as he takes the hole out.
I move a Praxis and Skin Crate into my Astero,
And warp to the hole now wobb’ly and narrow.

I splash into to their hole and jet-can the crate,
Happy to gift it after this, our first date.
Their rollers warp in as I rename the can right:
“Happy Christmas to all, and thanks for gud fites!”

Image used by permission of Rixx Javix

After tons of angry and disparate responses to the recent mining update patch, CCP is testing a new QoL feature to help smooth the typical “grr change”. Banking on the success of proximity voice chat in other popular games such as Escape from Tarkov, CCP hopes to improve dispositions by implementing a radial-range, capsuleer-to-area voice broadcast. 

Currently the proximity voice is unbound to any hotkey, but a Capsuleer can enable the Proximity Voice Channel in their settings, and bind it to a key with Push to Talk (PTT) or Toggle On/Off. Other players with their Proximity Voice Channel enabled will be able to hear broadcasted voice communication in real time from any Capsuleer within the range. The range is restricted to 1000km, or “small gang grid” size according to update notes; however, possible system-wide Voice Broadcasts have been hinted at in the blog post, with possibilities of being tied to Citadel modules. 

CCP reminds Capsuleers that the same rules and ToS apply to voice communications as with in-game text communications, and discourages any hate speech or harassment via the Proximity Voice Channel. Its goal is to open dialogue and encourage interaction within the MMO, which is in keeping with the implementation of AIR and NPE improvements recently. When Onion asked what sort of impact the voice channels will have upon server and client performance, especially in large scale engagement/TIDI scenarios, community management on the forums declined to comment.

As you know, I am a null bear Rorqual tycoon. I currently command a fleet of fifty excavator drone hives, which operate under an umbrella of pure autism. I live in a Spodstar, and the gates to my invincible domain are permanently bubbled by some newbros that I hired on Fiver. If any neutrals approach within 20 jumps of my bastion, my bot automatically logs off to online fifty highsec Orcas. 

Recently, CCP has made a number of changes to the mining meta which are thoroughly concerning to me. In particular, I am worried about the impact this will have upon new players. New players seeking to make inroads into nullsec are already challenged enough by the realities of my complete and utter domination. However, CCP now wants to make things even more challenging, by nerfing mining? 

I’ve talked to a lot of new players, who watch me suck up entire belts before they can lock a single rock, and they are all gravely concerned about the impact these changes will have upon the new player experience. If new players cannot find a meaningful way to challenge me, then they will have no choice but to join the other new players, who endlessly circle the gate and wonder whether anyone will ever enter local. 

Right now, I am mining as much as possible, in order to build up my reserves beyond infinity. What will new players do when they cannot grind like me? How will new players find their purpose in EVE Online, without the ability to AFK mine literally all day every single day for twenty years straight? 

This reminds me of how CCP has recently been trying to ban my bots. I typically run several dozen Ishtars and VNI bots, which continue to earn income while I sleep, but CCP wants to nerf botting into the ground. CCPLEASE! How will new players manage to get ahead in the game, if they cannot bot all day like me? My accounts were recently banned, and it was really annoying to generate entirely new characters. Fortunately, I can afford to skill inject my new bots, but new players simply cannot compete if CCP continues to wage this campaign against the little guy. 

Ultimately, I think it’s clear that CCP needs to make significant buffs to capital class mining barges and superexhumers. It’s hard enough for me to get by, with a trillion ISK invested in AFK Jita market trade botting, and new players need access to these same opportunities so that they can compete. We all need to stand together and demand that CCP reverse scarcity and work overtime to ensure that we can all enjoy automated gameplay.