The Unrollable Hole in My Heart

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“I can’t deal with this anymore. How could you do this to us?”, A crying voice echoed through the station’s halls. The door to the captain’s quarters hissed open as Nestor walked through, clutching in his hands the keys to the Ikitursa. He was crestfallen, somberly meandering pointlessly through the fortizar he came to know so well, with his feelings sinking ever further down. After going through a few wrong corridors, he thought about just living off of a Rorqual somewhere in Wormhole space, or maybe just sitting behind a desk in the Caldari Navy Assembly Plant in Jita, settling down and becoming a trader. His face twisted with disgust with the thought. “It can’t end like this. It just can’t”, he muttered to himself.

He was slowly stripping in his pod, getting ready to plug himself in and board the Ikitursa, when a fleeting thought came across his head as he slowly rolled down his pants, revealing the bulge hiding in his underwear. “No, I shouldn’t”, he thought, looking upwards at the cables hanging from his capsule. “But if not that, then what?” he said out loud, almost by accident. 

It was a thought so odd he had to sit down on the floor and marinate in it for a while. That scar, the way he looks without that eyepiece on, his calmness in the heat of battle, his skill on being the head of a Corp chock full of the strangest people in New Eden, how he effortlessly can hold a fleet together with his Zarmazd…he sighed. Maybe this is what he had to do all along. And the voice he longed to hear was bouncing in his mind as he bound himself to the spaceship. Making every effort to think about the person he wanted the most, he sent out a message:

“Johnny, it happened. I’m a complete mess. Do you mind if I go to your place now?” 

“Sure”, a calming voice appeared to emanate from his head. “Do you want me to pick you up?”

Nestor shivered at the thought of sharing a pod with Johnny. He was so unsure of what would happen when their bodies came so close. He was so held back during his previous relationship that he never thought of it. Another sigh came, causing air bubbles to form in his pod’s fluid. After a shake of his head as to erase the thought, he answered:

“Nah, I’m already on my way there. Just tell me the entrance.”

After pointing to the entrance system, Johnny exhaled, relieved that the person he cared deeply about was finally off of a toxic relationship. Even better, on shortest route to visit his Fortizar. He, too, spent much more time thinking about sharing a capsule. It’s almost as if their care for each other was being held back by the walls of wormhole politics. Nestor had been a member of Inner Hell, one of the most prolific and powerful corporations in wormhole space. And although Johnny tried, he never could grab the attention of Inner Hell like he could grab the attention of HK. “It’s almost as if I am not worthy of their time”, he thought, reflecting on their past together as he placed his black beret on the coat hanger before heading out to the docking hub.

On his way there, he stuck his head through the opening of the corporation’s lobby room, where a young member was gesticulating heavily towards another member sitting on the couch:

“You have a serious problem with following direct orders! You almost ruined the entire hauling operation”, Grubu shouted, in a hopeless tone. “It was only one Sabre…”, Sharo retorted, certain that his efforts helped the fleet go through Rancer without any other losses. 

The buzz in the lobby room died down immediately when Johnny said, “Guys, I have some personal stuff to deal with. I’ll be available later, so only ping me if we’re about to be evicted”

“Docking request accepted”, Aura spoke, as the Fortizar started to tow Nestor’s Ikitursa. He stretched inside his pod. For the whole trip, the thought of Johnny sharing a pod with him wouldn’t leave his mind. “At least I will see him tonight”, he thought, as the pod carefully ejected from the ship, draining the fluid to the reservoir attached to the station. He was torn between getting dressed quickly or waiting for Johnny to get impatient and just enter the locker room.

“Can you please help us instead of being a huge liability?” Grubu shouted, hoping beyond hope he could reach Sharo. With the whole corporation watching the argument, Sharo could only be bothered to raise his eyebrow and answer “Imagine me helping” before rising from the couch and heading to the cafeteria. When the lobby door closed, Grubu’s brain lost command of his legs. He darted through the hallways of Fambino’s School of Disappointment; only his pained heart was responsible for the sudden movement of his hand reaching for Sharo’s shoulder. Sharo’s heart was pained too, torn between his image to the rest of the corporation and his affection towards Grubu; it was his heart that commanded him to stop when he felt that unique hand grab his shoulder. His head was hanging low with shame for screaming at his partner.

“Why you do this to me, Grub?” Sharo asked, without moving his sight from the floor. He could almost see the name badge on his uniform. “You know I want to keep my poise. You know I have a reputation to uphold”

“I just want you to be the sweet person you are when we’re alone. I don’t want to forget about the person I love. And don’t call me Grub, you know I hate it when people do”. Grubu reached his index finger below Sharo’s chin, trying to raise his gaze so their longing eyes could connect once more. Sharo finally gave in, as his eyes focused on Grubu’s. He felt a pull on his uniform, making their bodies inch ever so close. It was almost as if Sharo’s body was being grappled by a battleship.

“Oh, thank Bob you made it here safely. I was so worried you had to come through the gate camps in Niarja”, Johnny said, letting the immense weight of his affection go. “How are you feeling?”. Nestor turned his head around to face the door, and as he placed his left leg in his pants, his feelings oscillated from embarrassment to slight arousal. He recognised the calming voice and felt at ease. Finally, he was safe. “Oh, you know. You’ve listened to my complaints about this enough times already”. Johnny leant sideways on the doorframe, watching carefully while his friend got dressed. The world appeared to slow down as his mind drifted off, remembering all the hugs they shared the last few months. Nestor turned around, fastening his belt. Slowly, he walked towards the doors, stretching his hand to embrace Johnny’s neck. They embraced harder than a thousand large blaster shots at point blank. Harder than a Kronos has ever grappled any other ship. Nestor buried his face in his friend’s shoulder for a moment, letting his brain soak in the warmth like an Amarr fleet can soak damage. After what seemed like an eternity, he lifted his head and reached his hand to Johnny’ cheek, slowly caressing the scar on his face. 

“How did you get that scar, again?” 

“Oh, I’ll tell you over dinner. I’m starving. Wanna eat?” 

“Sure, I’m hungry as well.”

“No, not here”, Sharo said, seconds before their lips came together. “You know the Russians in the corp don’t like this”. 

“I know, and I don’t care. I can’t hide it any longer. Don’t you notice how I have to shift around when sitting on the couch watching you meme around in the lobby?” 

Nestor finished getting dressed, and as the doors hissed shut on the locker room behind them, he draped his arm over Johnny’ shoulder while walking towards the Fortizar Diner. Just behind a storage alley in some nondescript hall, they caught just outside their eyesight two bodies engaged in a passionate kiss. The kind of kiss that can collapse entire wormholes. The kind of kiss than can stop a war in Fountain. The amount of energy those two let out with their love could easily match a doomsday weapon. Only Bob would be able to tell what went through Johnny and Nestor’s head as they walked past the couple on the way to the diner.