Local Man Spends 14 Trillion ISK on Blood Raider Battlecruiser, Still Dies in 40 Seconds
THE FORGE – New Eden’s first pirate attack battlecruiser, the Akoman, hit the market this week during Fenris Creations’ Crimson Harvest event. Within hours, capsuleers had figured out the optimal fit. It involves a lot of guns, a lot of blood, and what one veteran FC called “the spiritual equivalent of lighting your wallet on fire and laughing at the flames.”
“I spent fourteen trillion,” said a pilot who asked to remain anonymous but whose killmail revealed the exact expenditure. “I fitted T2 everything, officer webs, and a novelty corpse collection in the cargo hold. Gate camp caught me in Uedama. Forty seconds. Didn’t even get to press the blood sacrifice button.”
The Akoman’s marketing promised “a new era of aggressive mid-scale warfare.” What it delivered, according to independent market analysts, was a 2,300 percent spike in clone bay usage and a brief but glorious period where the Jita local channel stopped complaining about taxes and started complaining about new ship destruction instead.
A representative for Fenris Creations declined to comment on early mortality rates, instead issuing a statement that Crimson Harvest was “proceeding as intended” and that capsuleers should “consider the spiritual value of the journey, not merely the violent abruptness of the endpoint.”
The Blood Raiders, reached for comment in their newly established Pochven tourism offices, said the non-aggression pact with Triglavians was a “mutual enrichment opportunity” and that capsuleers who couldn’t pronounce “Akoman” correctly were welcome to refer to it as “the red one.”
“I called it the Ako-moan for three days,” said capsuleer Velt Korrigan, speaking from his fourth clone of the week. “Turns out it’s Ah-ko-mahn. Turns out it doesn’t matter what you call it when you’re watching it explode.”
Fenris Creations confirmed that Crimson Harvest would run through the end of October, by which point internal projections suggest roughly ninety percent of all Akomans currently in existence will have been converted to killmail statistics. The remaining ten percent, sources say, are already listed on the market at prices their owners describe as “recouping emotional damages.”
One Delve-based alliance director, reached while reorganizing his fleet doctrine around literally anything else, put it simply: “New ship drops are great. But maybe next time, give it a hull tank?”
