This year, CCP has included Canada in the World Tour (https://www.eveonline.com/article/pjzslc/eve-online-world-tour-2019). You may have heard that marijuana is now legal in Canada. You might also think that this is some progressive move by Canada to be recognized on the world stage as a leader in free-thinking individuals who can chart their own course. As a public service announcement, EVE Onion is here to tell you this couldn’t be further from the truth. It is, in fact, a federally supported clever ruse..
The Canadian government is distracting you. Marijuana isn’t where it’s at, boys and girls: It’s MAPLE SYRUP. There are days when the air smells like maple syrup in Canada (https://www.reddit.com/r/toronto/comments/pg8pg/anyone_know_why_scarborough_smells_like_maple/). Even the money smells like maple syrup (https://www.tripadvisor.ca/ShowTopic-g153339-i49-k11879645-Money_smells_like_maple_syrup-Canada.html). The world makes jokes about it, but Canadians really have a problem with maple syrup. So much so that they’ve gone beyond simple pancake adornment. You probably haven’t heard of an “Icky Stick” or the more subdued practice of “maping”. More hard core users will participate in “maple-lining” or “tapping” their crystal mape where the sugar form of the syrup is heated and injected straight into the vein. There are even some who “pancake” or “waffle”, similar to a dab, where AAA dark syrup is vaporized at high temperature and inhaled completely. People have described the experience as “going North” as if they’re floating around the pole on an ice floe. They often wake up the next day to find they are, in fact, floating around on an ice floe.
The reason you won’t have heard of this is ongoing Federal campaigns making the public aware of invaders threatening the maple supply. Stories such as the Vermont Heist (https://globalnews.ca/news/390558/vermont-company-implicated-in-20-million-quebec-maple-syrup-heist/) have made Canadians paranoid about where they’re going to get their next fix or the artificial inflation in cost that could happen. Guy next door Doug Mackenzie was quoted as saying, “Oh, ya, eh, dey went an’ took th’ good shit. What’s next, eh? Stealin’ oor beer? We’ll build a wall, eh! Get oot’ve oor hoose!”
Because of the perceived threat, you may find it difficult to enjoy this sweet release. EVE Onion wants to make sure you have a great time in Toronto and offers these tips: Wear a toque, you’ll blend right in. Use “eh” a lot so they don’t suspect, but don’t make it sound like a question—that’s a dead giveaway. Don’t worry about your accent. Don’t say “thank you” when they tell you where to get it or give it to you, just apologize: “Sorry for having you go out of your way, eh?” Don’t forget to congratulate them on the 100th anniversary of the Federal Igloo in Ottawa. Whatever you do, don’t bring up the practice of setting the elderly adrift on ice floes from Baffin island when they reach 75—touchy subject. The Rick Mercer Report basically let loose a national secret there. Finally, if you think something has gone wrong, offer Timbits and coffee in a Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win cup (tell them it’s a DD DC — double-double, double cupped). The person you are talking to is likely to overlook just about anything. In fact, they’ll probably apologize for even the thought and invite you over for a beer and a barbecue—yes, even if it’s -10 Celsius out. They live in a cold climate, but they have warm hearts.
