CCP Grocers! Now Open to the Public!

CCP Grocers was just up the street, which was rather convenient for Mildred, who was eager to browse the aisles. In the past, they charged an exorbitant membership fee, but recently she learned they were now free to the general public. Balloons, streamers, and endless fireworks heralded CCP’s new policy, and Mildred was delighted. She ignored the billboard which asked, “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?”

At first, she couldn’t even find the store, and wandered aimlessly in the parking lot. There were no clear parking spaces, and endless chaos, with vehicles piling in on top of each other. Meanwhile, the surface of the lot was only partially paved, with large potholes. In one particularly large cavern, numerous individuals were trapped, crying out endlessly for help while others watch from above and mocked them with bad advice. A drooling simpleton sat eating glue, while scooping dirt with a plastic shovel and chortling, “Hurrr, me like gold!” Bystanders encouraged him to keep digging and enlarge the hole.

Mildred finally made her way into the store, politely greeting a young man who leered at her. “Hey baby, you wanna double up with me?” She tried to ignore him, as a girl brushed past, shoving her to the side. “Excuse me!” Mildred was shocked at this rude behavior, but the girl simply muttered something about “pubbies”. “CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME ANYTHING PLEASE”, shouted someone endlessly through a megaphone, and Mildred shuddered as she made her way into the dark aisles, “PLEASE CAN ANYONE PLEASE JUST GIVE ME HELP I PROMISE I WON’T HELP YOU IN RETURN.” Another voice responded, “I will give a box of cereal to the first person who asks.” There was a clamor, as people shouted, “Me! Me! Me!”, but Mildred had no interest in such offers.

All she really wanted was a can of green peas, and she soon found them covered in dust. She checked the price, it was only 50 cents a can, so she grabbed two of them. She then made her way to the checkout, followed by a strange man who kept muttering, “You are real? Are you real? Can you see me? Why aren’t you responding?” In front of her, a shoplifter kept grabbing yellow boxes off the shelf, “Look! Look! I’m stealing stuff! Do you wanna stop me? Do you think you can stop me? Are you gonna stop me? I bet you can stop me!”

She reached the checkout, and the clerk eyed her peas with a knowing smile, ringing them up in the blink of an eye, “That will be $100,000 please.” Mildred was shocked, “I’m sorry, but they only cost 50 cents each!” The clerk carefully checked her records, “No ma’am, most of the peas cost 50 cents, but these particular cans are priced at $50,000 each.” Mildred shook her head, “Well, ok, I don’t want them, I’ll just go elsewhere then.” The clerk gleefully replied, “That’s very well, however, I’ve already charged your card and you really are obligated to pay.” Mildred felt faint, realizing that she would soon lose her car, home, and even her beloved pelicans. A police officer shouted, “Yah and you owe me 10 million dollars! That’s the law!” Someone in a ridiculous clown outfit chimed in, “You agreed to pay me 31 millions!”

As she stumbled toward the exit, she dimly recalled a glowing red light, which pulsated overhead. There was a gentle nudge, as she was bumped into the door frame, and then a powerful burst of energy as someone zapped her with a taser. She awoke later, far away, left with nothing… not even her peas. She spent several hours crying to whomever would listen, but they simply ignored her, and nobody would help. A few years later, she decided to try again, and had almost exactly the same experience.