Home Blog Page 31

Suitonia Harasses Innocents, Taunts Plex Orbiters, Scolds Tama (S.H.*.T.P.O.S.T.)

By
Erutor
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0

Suitonia, previously exposed by Evocationz Adhera and this prestigious and unbiased news outlet as a callous monster opposed to ice cream, is engaged in a new offensive on the denizens of New Eden’s Low Security space.

Pouring his CSM-derived unassailable wealth into 4 million ISK Thrashers, Suitonia and his army of thugs in Aggressive Feeding set out with the specific objective of annoying mission runners and PLEX orbiters in Dal, and of ensuring “every fight would be bloody.” Whelping scores of Thrashers in order to support his desire to smug post and “have fun,” Suitonia’s efforts have turned the quiet mission system of Dal into a chaotic mess of wrecks.

Nearly tripling the number of ships lost in Tama over a 24 hour period, Suitonia taunted Tama fighters, and dwellers, saying: “Tama is for scrubs.” A critical analyst watching SCRUBS. alliance questioned this assertion:

SCRUBS. is high on life after having partnered with out-of-corp alt Telvar to destroy a 1B ISK WiNGSPAN Delivery Network Proteus in Fasse. They have been in Fasse since completing their conquest of Null Security space by whoring on a Bjorn Bee kill. Why would they want to go to Tama, when they just got to Fasse, and are enjoying success here destroying WiNGSPAN Delivery Services agents consorting with Rogue Drones? I think Suitonia’s off-base with this one.

Bot Aspirants of Dal, accustomed to orbiting complex capture points in warp-core stabilized Ventures order to defend them from loneliness, are furious. “As capsuleers, we pay a premium for our pilot’s license, and we deserve the right to rake in risk-free ISK,” one d-plex devotee ranted. “Our defensive units need comfort and encouragement. How can we deliver the same if we are constantly harassed by combat ships when we are defending our complexes?” Rixx Javix, who specializes in Warp Core Stabilizer sales and installation, is rumored to be similarly frustrated. “I don’t know what to do now,” Rixx was reportedly overheard as he addressed a collection of empty shot glasses. “My entire identity is tied up in the WCS business; I may have to turn to piracy just to support my children if this madness grows to consume more of Low Security space.”

Mission runners expressed similar frustration. “I didn’t join Faction Warfare to fight capsuleers!” one missioner said on condition of anonymity, “why can’t Aggressive Feeding just leave me alone to shoot rats? I’m here to rake in the ridiculous wealth available by subcontracting my mission activity and minimizing my travel and combat time to ensure maximum productivity, not risk losing a ship on gate or at my mission beacon. It’s not fair.”

Will “fun” win the day in Low Security space, or will the luster of combat fade, and Suitonia’s grass-roots effort to create content wither and die to once again make room for ISK generating activities? Only time will tell.

CCP Declares Bankruptcy After Players Discover ISK Blueprints

By
samwise
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0

Shocking news from Iceland today as famed game company CCP Games announced bankruptcy after releasing a brief blog post detailing the situation. It seems one of the largest pillars keeping the company alive— EVE’s economy—was torn down in a matter of hours. But how did this happen? All it took, it seems, is one simple coding mistake that went unnoticed.

According to CCP Fozzie, who was “working on making citadels even less fun,” accidentally added an item to the NPC pirates drop table. Normally, this would not be a large concern, however the item added was a blueprint original producing ISK from Veldspar. After the blueprint and its copies quickly circulated through several manufacturing-centered corporations, the damage was done.  Players were, literally, printing ISK.

“I thought it was a joke” said Richie Richards, CEO of the well known “BPOwned” Corporation, which has a large presence in every trade hub in New Eden. “Or I was still on the test server or something. Of course I bought every BPO that was found. Only cost like, a hundred trillion ISK. Child’s play for someone like me, obviously. What do you mean there are other things to do in EVE?”

Soon after others found the blueprint, the market was completely wiped out. All items that once held a substantial cost such as PLEX and capital components were bought up with printed ISK. After recognizing the rock-bottom value of ISK, the price of every market commodity increased by 1000%.  Only the largest, greediest alliances could afford something as simple as a shuttle.

All of this occurred in less than 24 hours, and after CCP discovered the issue, it was far too late. Players left the game in droves, unable to afford even the simplest of replacement items. The rich were richer than ever, and the poor practically didn’t exist. No one paid for a subscription with hard-earned ISK anymore, and all the PLEX on the market was too expensive or sold out completely. The company went under very quickly, for we all know no one uses the New Eden Store anymore.

Hopefully this will serve as a lesson to game developers in the future: Always double check your changes before making them live. And always, always be willing to go back on promises of being “cruel and unforgiving, even to ourselves”.

CONCORD Pursues Time Travel Research with Goonswarm Federation

By
Erutor
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0

Pirates have long suspected CONCORD of secret time manipulation technology, as response times to aggression are impossibly fast, and CONCORD ship disabling techniques surpass all known technologies. A recently announced CONCORD project, purported to improve time measurement, is actually the foundation for true time travel, as the attached leaked image from CONCORD’s time travel experiments conclusively demonstrates.

Haulers and miners, who have long complained that CONCORD should prevent planned aggression and focus on crime prevention—rather than simply delivering too little punishment, too late—welcomed this development. “It’s time for CONCORD to step up and admit they do, in fact, possess time manipulation technologies, and then use those technologies to prevent future crime. The era of crime and punishment needs to end, in favor of a new era of crime prevention,” a capsuleer specializing in logistics and transportation in empire space suggested, the skin of her fresh clone still moist from the clone bay after a costly nap on gate. “It’s fine by me if anyone with armaments equipped to their ship in High Security space is instantly destroyed by CONCORD. Better safe than sorry. Let those barbarians shoot each other outside of Empire space. We’ve got serious business to do here in High Security space.”

A representative of Goonswarm Federation, speaking on condition of anonymity, offered a nearly parallel perspective from Capsuleer-corporation-controlled space, and confirmed the leaked image’s authenticity:

As an organization representing over thirty-five thousand capsuleers, and responsible for ensuring the peace, prosperity, and security of a significant portion of New Eden, we appreciate the challenge facing CONCORD. Our non-combat personnel also express frustration with having to dock up for minutes at a time to avoid potential aggression.

We lose trillions of ISK to these unnecessary distractions from our critical mission to reduce every asteroid and moon in New Eden to its composite minerals. Our scientists are delighted to have the opportunity to work with CONCORD to test these new technologies to prevent criminal activity.

Our diplomats are in conversation with high level sources within CONCORD, and we expect to announce shortly that our industrialists have access to blueprint originals for these time-manipulation technologies. We will not be able to release these BPOs to the broader community at this time, but do anticipate offering modules for sale at a reasonable cost, and blueprint copies to a few select business partners.

These devices will allow intelligence bots to report intruders before they arrive, so we can reconfigure our warp gates to trap unwelcome visitors in warp space as they attempt to jump, thereby avoiding the necessity of docking our mining vessels or undocking combat ships at all. As always, Goonswarm Federation is here to serve the greater good of New Eden. This peacekeeping effort will ensure the peace and prosperity of all New Eden.

CONCORD Public Relations was not available for comment as of press time, but is expected to issue a statement no later than yesterday.

Pilot Running For CSM Revealed to be a Bot

By
samwise
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1

Troubling news from CCP today, as we learned someone that was running for a position in the CSM was ousted to be a very well scripted bot in the guise of a player. The player/bot, whose name will remain anonymous until a full investigation can be launched, seemed to be in a good position to win the coveted seat.

Making the rounds in New Eden, the bot gave several rousing speeches to any that would listen to him, and made many friends across the galaxy from all walks of life. From the most docile station trader to the most violent pirate corporations, all pledged their support. “He was the perfect choice for the CSM, or so I thought” said someone, still unsure if these bot allegations were true.

The one thing that managed to give him away? An error in his coding; or perhaps a bug? Maybe the actions of a diligent hacker. As he was giving a speech, he was quoted: “I vow to remove citadels from the game” over 100 times.  Most people listening in to the speech thought it was just for effect, and cheered and applauded. However, after the 100 mark, people began to be skeptical as to what it was he was doing.  Someone walked up on stage to ask him if he was all right, which then revealed it was a bot in disguise, caught in an audio loop.

Needless to say, this has several other members of the CSM under the microscope, as people are beginning to scrutinize their every action, seeing if they’re human or not. The CSM has made some less than stellar decisions in the past, so it may be possible they have been infiltrated by automaton(s). We here at the Eve Onion promise to remain diligent and help oust any such foul play in the future.

Local Pilot Enters Wormhole—Has Immediate Regrets

By
samwise
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0

Ah, EVE. A universe of politics, marketing, and war. Empires rise and fall, markets become vibrant and then die out like a flame fueled by paper money. There’s a series of checks and balances to keep (most) everything balanced and viable, and while not everyone is fully content with the state of the game, people enjoy different aspects of it in all areas of space.  Then, there are Wormholes, and the strange creatures that inhabit them.

What goes on inside these wormholes? What keeps making that strange howling and whining noise whenever CCP messes with the wormhole’s appearance and visual effects? Nobody knows. Who—or what—is Bob? I intend to find out. I put together a travel and exploration fit for one of my favorite ships, the Astero. Time to find out what wormholes are all about.

As many of you may know, wormholes act as cosmic doorways to different areas of space. Sometimes they lead from one known system to another. Sometimes, however they lead to unknown areas of space. J-space, as it is commonly referred (and shall be called as such for the rest of this article) is truly bizarre, in more ways than one.

Firing up my probe-scanning tool, I spent quite a while just locating these doorways to unknown space. Eventually, I spotted one, and without hesitation I jumped through. Following all common logic and instinct, I warped to the nearest celestial body, and activated my ship’s cloaking device. It was at this point I realized two things: The wormhole I just used is not marked on my map, and I left my probes on the other side of it.

After spending thirty minutes swearing and composing a strongly-worded opinion on Reddit that I promptly deleted, knowing full well it would have earned me no end of mockery and disdain, I had to devise a plan of action. I knew speaking in local was basically a roundabout way of committing suicide in wormhole space, so that was out the window. There was self-destructing my ship, which was a straightforward method of suicide. This I preferred not to do. I decided to stay cloaked and observe my environment for awhile. The silence was equal parts haunting, and relaxing.

I fired up my directional scanner, noticing not one, but two active player owned star-bases, and two citadels within 10 AU of me. So wormholes, while being theoretically the harshest environment possible, has pilots not only living there, but thriving. No CONCORD, no guaranteed passage to high security and civilization, no active markets; how could anyone survive like this?  I warped to 100km distance away from one of the star-bases, cloak still running. This is when I found out the truth:  Wormhole pilots are all sophisticated rogue drones.  I watched a Gila-class cruiser be assembled by smaller drones and it promptly warped away into parts unknown, no doubt off to combat the dreaded and mysterious sleepers.

It all made sense now. The Reddit posts, complaints in minute detail over wormhole appearances; every wormhole pilot is actually a near self-aware artificial intelligence attempting to lure the living into the depths of J-space. I had to escape via any means necessary. Thus, I began to journey deeper into the only wormhole I miraculously had access to. I continued jumping from wormhole to wormhole in an attempt to escape this artificial hell.

As I passed through different uncharted sectors, I bore witness to things… I went from utter quiet to a near deafening cacophony of screaming. Something about blue doughnuts and this content is superior in every way. Another wormhole. Strange chanting and hymns sung about the entity only known as Bob. Had I entered some sort of deep space cult shrine? No, I reminded myself, this was all just a looping program of an artificial creature.

At long last, I exited into a very familiar system in High-security space. After an agonizing thirteen hour journey, I ended only two systems away from where I started. Fatigued and near the breaking point, I began to scribe this piece. I only hope it will be taken seriously. Be warned, fellow pilots of EVE. There’s a rogue drone swarm out there, unlike any we’ve ever seen.

EVE NEWS IN BRIEF

By
Styke Warden
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0

MOON GOO TURNS OUT TO NOT BE GOO AT ALL

Not many would have suspected that Moon Goo would be anything more than goo, but for whatever reason CCP has decided to make Goo into Sparkling Space Gemstones which may or may not randomly explode into “jackpot” particle spray.

To afford this graphical upgrade, all Missiles, Rockets, Torpedos and the like have been replaced by Light Scourge Missiles’ models, scaled to various sizes to lower memory budget.

 

NEW WORMHOLES TO BE CENSORED IN JAPAN AND GERMAN MARKETS.

Players of Eve Online in Japan and Germany will be greeted in January with big black bars stretched over the gaping galactic orifices, a move that is required by law and pushed heavily by Reddit. Some are demanding a rollback, since the censorship hides the ability to “tell at a glance” just how old the wormhole is.

 

DELVE RUNS OUT OF THINGS TO MINE, RORQUAL FLEETS ACCIDENTALLY INVADE NEARBY SPACE AND TAKE OVER.

Unable to really say “no” to the vast roaming herds of Rorqual capital ships peacefully mining the ever loving frack out of every single bent nearby, local alliances have instead switched to a non-combatant and more inclusive policy towards the economic raiders, going as far as to offer them “treats” for their continued cooperation.

At first I didn’t believe the news that Delve itself had been mined out, so I had to roam the vast empty plains of space to see for myself—I would merely describe the scene as haunting. Not once did I encounter so much as a single player, much less an anomaly or asteroid belt.

 

CCP ACCIDENTLY FIRES ENTIRE SUPPORT STAFF. ATTEMPTS TO RE-HIRE. CAN’T FIND.

Did they ever exist at all?

 

Tickets went unanswered this week as it took CCP nearly six days to realize that, in the process of laying off three branches of his development staff and its satellite companies, he had accidently fired the entire support staff. As compensation, all players who submitted tickets during Black Friday Weekend are entitled to 20 days of Omega time to be added to their account, “when he gets around to it”.

 

DRUGS ARE MADE LEGAL IN EMPIRE SPACE: “TRUE ALPHAS” EXPECTED TO BUY THEIR OWN DAILY DOSES.

Recently, the repeal of boosters and drugs has created widespread doping across empire space with players logging on daily to inject themselves with “safe” and “legal” boosters granted by the Sisters of Eve, though we’re now seeing a rise in questionable boosters on the market. Just who made these “Crimson Harvest” boosters, and how are they expected to be safe if they’re so volatile? CONCORD had no answers for this curious reporter, who had to pry dozens of boosters out of the gore-clad wreckages of bloody pirate vessels and jam them into her skull to increase her smarts and charisma. I was told not one, but twice that I was stunningly beautiful with the half-consumed booster hanging from its mount in my pod. I wonder how much Charisma the Amarr princess has?

The mystery only grew deeper with the release of “Drone Swarm” boosters found on the drones themselves, which are also expected to just be slammed into your skull. These are even more potent than the Crimson versions. How are nomadic pirates who are killed effortlessly by the dozens capable of crafting these things yet leave our industrial gods so stumped?

Newly Discovered: Bittervets Hire Alpha Clones to Riot on Their Behalf!

By
Erutor
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0

Capsuleer MacGirk, hard at work managing his fortune.

Bittervets, inspired by Capsuleer Dirk MacGirk’s vigorous complaint, are hiring Alpha Clones to riot on their behalf. Mr. MacGirk gave voice to this frustration on social media, saying:

Why the hell do I have to do something to get my Yoiul gift? This is not how gifts work. I blame Alphas. Omegas should continue to receive effort-free gifts as befitting their status. I paid into the Omega system my whole life. Then these Alphas show up, followed by waves of skill point farming chain migrants, and my benefits are suddenly cut? This is outrageous.They can take our T2 guns, they can take our pirate faction Battleships, but they can never take, our freeeeeeeee…stuff.

Alpha Clones, desperate for ISK, are thrilled to have the opportunity to make hundreds of millions of ISK doing work that Omega Capsuleers will not. “This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for”, Galpaca Clone, a Gallentean Alpha-Class Capsuleer cheered excitedly, “I’ve been working dead-end Level 1 missions for weeks to save up for a VNI. I’m excited to have the opportunity to riot on behalf of such inspirational figures as Mr. MacGirk. I look forward to departing for Nullsec soon after we ‘Burn Jita’ in our Yoiul of Entitled Rage. The opportunity to AFK rat in peace, like a real Omega Clone, is enough to bring tears to my eyes.”

A few grinches attempted to derail this vital and righteous crusade, offering opinions contrary to the dominant screeeeeee. A few even attempted to suggest this change may actually be for the better, or suggest Mr. MacGirk was speaking tongue-in-cheek. One anonymous commenter opined:

The Agency is attempting to give the gift of content. Gankers and Pirates should rejoice that Capsuleers who want to reap the rewards of the Yoiul season must undock and engage in drone fumigation, and that rewards are greater in lower security space. Market moguls can look forward to these novelty gifts having investment value, since the supply requires more effort than simply opening the mail.

The anonymous commenter was quickly downvoted, awox’ed, and relegated to obscurity.

SIGNAL BOOST: YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFTS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE

By
Styke Warden
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0

From CCP’s website

We’re happy to announce that the Yoiul Festival has begun! Available immediately for all capsuleers, Yoiul Festival gifts are raining down from the heavens. Naughty or nice, the Caldari State will happily distribute the gifts based on your economic standing within the region.

Lucky for you, we’re having a sale on items that have never been available at full price. Not only can you grab a huge 20% off on the slightly obscure, tactical, and strategic SOE bundles, but there is a massive 40% off on everything else. Isn’t it amazing that we can call something a sale when it’s never actually had a price before? In EVE, the possibilities truly are endless!

We here at CCP sell these gifts at a loss to better serve our passionate EVE community. We look forward to selling you gifts for years to come and for our 15th anniversary, we will fully cover the transfer fees and various taxes associated with using SKINs!

Players can look forward to engaging in social activities involving the legal (and perhaps not so legal) exchange of gifts among themselves to really get into the holiday spirit.

Fly safe, shop smart, and have a joyous Yoiul Festival! o7

Christmas Tunes For Mining Veldspar: A Sneak Peek!

By
samwise
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0

Greetings and glad tidings! As you are all aware, the holiday season is almost upon us. The EVE Online development team is hard at work bringing sweeping changes and important updates to the game and universe we all love. This time, it’s in the form of a holiday song album: Christmas Tunes For Mining Veldspar is slated for release in just a few days, just in time for the holiday rush. The CD has 11 of some recognizable holiday favorites, parodied to work in the EVE Online universe. Insider sources say there were originally 15 tracks, but due to dropping the “VR Team”, four songs were also cut.

EVE Onion received an exclusive, press-only look at the album just after it was finalized. The following will be a list of all the songs included, as well as a few excerpts from my personal favorite songs. CCP Falcon has an amazing singing voice, by the way.

The song list includes:

  • I Saw Three Rorquals
  • Corpses Floating in Open Space
  • Carol of the Fails
  • We Three Dreads
  • It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like This Roam Isn’t Going to Happen
  • I’m Dreaming of a Full Ice Belt
  • Gate Camps We Have Done While High
  • Do You Hear What I Hear? (A Teamspeak Story)
  • Here We Come A-woxing
  • The Little Reddit Boy
  • Unto Us a Titan Jumps

It wouldn’t be a holiday in EVE without some awoxing, would it? Here’s a bit of what you’ll expect with track number nine, “Here We Come A-woxing”.

Here we come a-woxing

among your corp so green;

here we come to pod you

so hard to be seen

 

Just because we are blue,

and not on the overview;

does not mean that we are happy to see you

and you shan’t be happy to see us

That tune really warms my heart. It’s just the epitome of everything we hold near and dear to us in EVE. It’s definitely a number one hit, without a doubt. Speaking of number one hits, I believe this next track will be a hit among anyone that goes out hunting for miners: I Saw Three Rorquals. This song embodies the PvP nature of EVE, it’s just great. Here’s a snippet of it:

 

I saw three Rorquals without PANIC

on Zkillboard, on Zkillboard

I saw three Rorquals without PANIC

on Zkillboard in the morning

Why such a lousy fit?

On Zkillboard, on Zkillboard

It would’ve lived as a shield super

on Zkillboard in the morning

Quite the tale, I tell you. And it’s so very relatable, as I too often see Rorquals without their PANIC button on Zkillboard.

Keep your eyes open for Christmas Tunes For Mining Veldspar, arriving in stores soon.

CSM Member Jin’taan Jumps The Shark!

By
Erutor
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0

CSM Member Jin’taan, of CVA, notable for colorful attire, in-depth theorycrafting, and political science thought leadership articles, and for a CSM candidacy and tenure marked by transparency and communication, including commentary on the CSM Summit and meeting minutes, has clearly jumped the shark!

Jin’taan recently gave some hints of poor judgment or potentially slipping sanity in a harsh and biased attack against the Minmatar Republic, in which he presents the very roots of Minmatar culture as not simply brutal, but cruel and depraved. Jin’taan promised an exposé on why ALL the races suck, but…it’s been nearly two months, leaving many forced to assume that the “first of four” articles was simply a hit piece demonstrating Jin’taan’s embrace of the bigotry so prevalent in the Curatores Veritatis Alliance (CVA). Of Gallente heritage himself, Jin’taan appears to have embraced CVA’s Amarrian bigotry, particularly against the people and culture of his hereditary allies—the Minmatar Republic and its tribes.

This bigotry, although out of step with the culture of today’s New Eden, pales in comparison to Jin’taan’s most recent misstep, however. In a stunning move, Jin’taan chose to align himself with with yet another deplorable group: Reddit’s /r/eve.

“I want to commend Reddit on being unusually polite and constructive around the Daily Alpha Skill Injectors – Lots of great feedback that I look forwards to presenting to CCP and hopefully fixing.”

Really? Reddit is “polite and constructive?” They provided “Lots of great feedback” that Jin’taan intends upon “presenting to CCP and hopefully fixing?” What a tragedy, that such a great mind has fallen first into bigotry, and now apparently into the very depths of depraved insanity.

Or, is it something more?

Reddit /r/eve moderator Chevis Preston’s plan to secure a seat upon the Council of Stellar Management after taking over as a moderator have already been uncovered by EVE Onion. Could Jin’taan’s public alignment with the Chevis-era /r/eve community indicate a new conspiracy in light of upcoming CSM 13 elections, anticipated to launch in February 2018, and concluding with results announced at EVE Fanfest in April 2018?

Could we see a “Jin’taan is Spethial” ticket, in which Jin’taan secures a place on /r/eve as he advances his quest to dominate EVE media, and Chevis Preston gains the influence he needs to implement every CCPls and screeeeeee!!! posted on /r/eve?

In reviewing the CSM 12 election results, a terrifying possibility emerges: Chevis has apparently already secured the backing of WiNGSPAN Delivery Services and its CEO, Chance Ravinne, a highly visible and controversial member of CSM 8. If Chevis has also persuaded Jin’taan of CSM 12 to back his suspected candidacy, he is likely to walk into a CSM seat virtually unopposed.

With Jin’taan driving the CVA’s 2000 votes as the shadow-leader of CVA, and Chance Ravinne bringing his own vote and that of his 310 alts, plus 200 fanboi accounts, Chevis would easily bring 2500 guaranteed votes to the election, even without accounting for those not directly under the thumb of his two patrons—but who might be persuaded by their voices within the EVE community. Assuming typical turnout for the election, this is more than enough to guarantee his election.

You heard it here first! Watch out New Eden, /r/eve is about to take over the CSM, and all of New Eden with it!

 

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