Over a thousand completely scripted citizens of the sprawling universe Eve Online, migrated south this past weekend in search of better mining grounds. Partially blind, their owners hope that at least some will eventually land in the fertile realm of Delve. In recent months, Delve has become almost mythic in legend and tale – Ore and ice for as far as the scanner can see and plenty for everyone.

In small fleets and often by themselves, these bots face harsh obstacles along the way. Plundering pirates and idle gate camps slobber at the sight of these slow, sluggish herds slowly roaming to the promise land, only to get snapped up in the jaws of a predator so, so close.Even a simple bubble can completely dismantle potentially billions in ISK and thousands of man hours to design and guide the bot, some players going as far as to buy scripts with real money. All for nothing, should their migration fail.

But some of these bots will make it. Some will survive impossible odds. By sheer numbers, bots outweigh actual players ten to one in some northern sections and nothing succeeds like excess.

With these successful bots, new bots will be spawned. The raw materials obtained here will amount to trillions upon trillions of isk – more than enough to buy an entirely new fleet. These players will rebuild in the north and prepare for the next winter, when the new generation of bots will make their often tragic journey south.

And so the cycle continues.

In a not so stunning boast from the heart of Iceland, CCP announced today that their new release simply titled “EVE ONLINE MOBILE” is comparable to one of the most notoriously difficult games of all time. “It will take you months of learning. Just like Dark Souls,” CCP went on to say in a prepared statement Monday. An out-of-context quote of this went viral on Reddit.

Citing things such as clone states and wildly inaccurate spreadsheets to cover guild-wide money laundering schemes that count as deep and engaging gameplay, players are expected to be able to relate to EVE ONLINE MOBILE with Dark Souls more than EVE Online itself. Minigames such as “Recording goon ventrilo” and “Spending weeks trying to learn interceptors so you can avoid that gate camp” were used as examples. At one point, CCP went on to say that “learning how to mine in Lowsec” was “just like [learning how to do the] Undead Burg (level).”

Nullsec PVP was compared to “That big hydra that whoops [your] ass if you go down the elevator at the start”, and reminded new players to “stay in Highsec, just like regular Eve Online.”

It is clear that CCP intends to strike hard and fast at the growing Mobile Games market and their youth oriented demographics. Using such colourful terminology might just drive sales for this coming quarter, but these tactics seem fairly desperate for a company that has only one successful product out of dozens.

CCP later stated on Twitter: “If it wasn’t obscenely hard, it wouldn’t be EVE ONLINE.”

Terrific news from Iceland today as everyone’s favorite developer, CCP Games, has unveiled plans for a massive overhaul to Eve Online. Quoted by CCP Fozzie to be “The biggest thing since Eve Valkyrie!” While details are still coming in over this three-hundred page comprehensive patch list, I have tried to condense the most important points into something readable.

First and foremost, the changes in the armament mechanics of citadels. There was controversy when they announced citadels could be armed while in their setup process; this is no longer the case. Now all citadels must be managed by the “Nullsec Strike” app, which will finally release from beta the day of the patch. (https://eveonion.com/ccp-release-first-mobile-title/) Quoting from the patch notes: “We feel that we had enough interest from the mobile sector to integrate our app into the main game itself.” The app will allow you to activate citadel modules, request fuel block deliveries, and you can even pay a small fee to extend your reinforcement timers.

Second on the docket: New modules being introduced to help balance citadels and the issues surrounding them. After much research, CCP has discovered that there are actually loss mails for Keepstar citadels that don’t involve being hauled by a freighter or having no fitting. “This is just…I know EVE always keeps you on your toes, but you never expect to find results like this” says CCP Fozzie on the subject. On that note, a new module: “Planetary Integrated Support Services of Ordinance From Far”. This high-slot module will allow a Keepstar controller to launch heavy ordinance from planets within the solar system. “You’d think an instant kill mechanic that can target anything on grid would be unfair, but thankfully this is slow moving, so only the largest of capital ships can be hit by it.”

Another module seems to be centered around discouraging the use of smaller citadels to “dig in” around a larger one. This module, “Bio-integrated Life Insurance Nexus Glider”, will add an exciting new set of rules to EVE Online. The module, when activated, will drain resistances, fuel, and power from nearby citadels that have a lower net worth than the activating citadel. An example given: “Say you have two empty, but powered on and fueled Fortizars nearby a Keepstar. The Keepstar (filled with precious assets) activates the module, suddenly the Fortizars are unpowered, unable to tether nearby friendly ships, and susceptible to damage.”

As someone that has no claim to sovereignty nor the funds to ever even dream of building a citadel, I have no doubt this update will go incredibly smoothly. And it seems CCP agrees: “Citadels are the present, and future” reads the closing lines of the update “whether you want them or not.”

Suitonia, previously exposed by Evocationz Adhera and this prestigious and unbiased news outlet as a callous monster opposed to ice cream, is engaged in a new offensive on the denizens of New Eden’s Low Security space.

Pouring his CSM-derived unassailable wealth into 4 million ISK Thrashers, Suitonia and his army of thugs in Aggressive Feeding set out with the specific objective of annoying mission runners and PLEX orbiters in Dal, and of ensuring “every fight would be bloody.” Whelping scores of Thrashers in order to support his desire to smug post and “have fun,” Suitonia’s efforts have turned the quiet mission system of Dal into a chaotic mess of wrecks.

Nearly tripling the number of ships lost in Tama over a 24 hour period, Suitonia taunted Tama fighters, and dwellers, saying: “Tama is for scrubs.” A critical analyst watching SCRUBS. alliance questioned this assertion:

SCRUBS. is high on life after having partnered with out-of-corp alt Telvar to destroy a 1B ISK WiNGSPAN Delivery Network Proteus in Fasse. They have been in Fasse since completing their conquest of Null Security space by whoring on a Bjorn Bee kill. Why would they want to go to Tama, when they just got to Fasse, and are enjoying success here destroying WiNGSPAN Delivery Services agents consorting with Rogue Drones? I think Suitonia’s off-base with this one.

Bot Aspirants of Dal, accustomed to orbiting complex capture points in warp-core stabilized Ventures order to defend them from loneliness, are furious. “As capsuleers, we pay a premium for our pilot’s license, and we deserve the right to rake in risk-free ISK,” one d-plex devotee ranted. “Our defensive units need comfort and encouragement. How can we deliver the same if we are constantly harassed by combat ships when we are defending our complexes?” Rixx Javix, who specializes in Warp Core Stabilizer sales and installation, is rumored to be similarly frustrated. “I don’t know what to do now,” Rixx was reportedly overheard as he addressed a collection of empty shot glasses. “My entire identity is tied up in the WCS business; I may have to turn to piracy just to support my children if this madness grows to consume more of Low Security space.”

Mission runners expressed similar frustration. “I didn’t join Faction Warfare to fight capsuleers!” one missioner said on condition of anonymity, “why can’t Aggressive Feeding just leave me alone to shoot rats? I’m here to rake in the ridiculous wealth available by subcontracting my mission activity and minimizing my travel and combat time to ensure maximum productivity, not risk losing a ship on gate or at my mission beacon. It’s not fair.”

Will “fun” win the day in Low Security space, or will the luster of combat fade, and Suitonia’s grass-roots effort to create content wither and die to once again make room for ISK generating activities? Only time will tell.

Troubling news from CCP today, as we learned someone that was running for a position in the CSM was ousted to be a very well scripted bot in the guise of a player. The player/bot, whose name will remain anonymous until a full investigation can be launched, seemed to be in a good position to win the coveted seat.

Making the rounds in New Eden, the bot gave several rousing speeches to any that would listen to him, and made many friends across the galaxy from all walks of life. From the most docile station trader to the most violent pirate corporations, all pledged their support. “He was the perfect choice for the CSM, or so I thought” said someone, still unsure if these bot allegations were true.

The one thing that managed to give him away? An error in his coding; or perhaps a bug? Maybe the actions of a diligent hacker. As he was giving a speech, he was quoted: “I vow to remove citadels from the game” over 100 times.  Most people listening in to the speech thought it was just for effect, and cheered and applauded. However, after the 100 mark, people began to be skeptical as to what it was he was doing.  Someone walked up on stage to ask him if he was all right, which then revealed it was a bot in disguise, caught in an audio loop.

Needless to say, this has several other members of the CSM under the microscope, as people are beginning to scrutinize their every action, seeing if they’re human or not. The CSM has made some less than stellar decisions in the past, so it may be possible they have been infiltrated by automaton(s). We here at the Eve Onion promise to remain diligent and help oust any such foul play in the future.