Yulai – A joint session of the EVE Online Roleplay Community (EORC) has voted against allowing the most recent applicant from joining its exclusive membership. The panel of arbiters—which is comprised of members from the oldest roleplay corporations in EVE Online as well as self-acclaimed “experts” on the lore—determined that the applicant, whose name was kept anonymous as is tradition, simply did not possess the qualifications necessary to have their roleplay certified as “real.”

“I knew that the requirements were stringent. I’ve wanted to get involved in EVE Online roleplay since I started playing the game ten years ago. In fact, one of the reasons that I waited so long to apply was so that I could finish my triple doctorate studies in physical chemistry, history, and theology,” the disappointed player said. “But it turns out I just didn’t live up to expectations. It’s a very competitive process and I am hoping to get a letter of recommendation from Max Singularity after I complete my third internship at  NASA-Jet Propulsion Laboratory. In the meantime, I want to regroup and concentrate on publishing my fourth full-length science fiction novel. I guess I’m just a little upset that I can’t really enter the scene by posting a few lines on the Intergalactic Summit (IGS) after the CCP events in Kahah, Alkabsi, and Thebeka.”

The “real” certification, much like the “organic” stamp on popular food brands, is a means of quality control over which the EORC has exclusive issuing authority as dictated by CCP regulations. A player without the “real” certification is typically ignored by the entire roleplay community. The “Council of Roleplay Arbitration” (CORA) is the governing body of the EORC and has near authoritarian control over every aspect of roleplay in EVE Online. Arbiters are identified by CCP Delegate Zero and are granted a number of powers and privileges and serve for life. In fact, one of the sitting members of CORA has not undocked since 2010 and is actually unsubbed from the game, but reportedly fielded some of the most gruelling questions such as “What chronicles written before YC119 would you cite as sources if you had to prove a link between Cardinal Sourem Itharen and Gallente popstar Midna?”  [Note: The EORC exclusively dates its documentation by the in-game calendar using the “YC” system. In this case, YC119 would be equivalent to 2017]

As the High Roleplay Arbiter Magnificent of this session’s CORA stated, “Part of the mission of the EORC is to be as unwelcoming to new roleplayers as possible. Strikes against this particular applicant included running a new player corporation, producing YouTube tutorials explaining game mechanics, and creating so-called ‘content.’” As was explained further, the EORC defines “content” as PVP interactions involving more than five pilots in a single engagement or any engagement involving the use of “alt” characters.The chairperson concluded on an optimistic note, “Although the applicant was unable to pass our vetting process on this attempt and is hereby deemed ‘unqualified,’ once the five year wait period is over, we will be happy to eviscerate the application again.”

Apart from the power to certify roleplay as “real,” CORA has binding authority over the EORC and can issue directives it deems as necessary for the “health of the community,” including but not limited to: Directing posters on CCP’s official Intergalactic Summit (IGS) forum, skillfully derailing any threads created by “rogue” roleplayers; directing the EORC to ignore events and actions that are taken by unrecognized and uncertified parties; and directly suppressing alternative roleplay venues and views on the lore that might deviate from CORA’s dogma.

In the words of the applicant, “Every arbiter of CORA and every member of the EORC has earned their right to be there and are without a doubt the most qualified individuals to serve as gatekeepers for the community; I definitely understand why I didn’t make it in this round of applications.”

Korean developer Pearl Abyss has recently sold CCP and EVE Online to San Francisco developer Linden Labs. According to Pearl Abyss spokesperson Kyung Kim, “…EVE simply did not meet our expectations.The player community embarrassed us with juvenile antics, with constant attempts to harass and belittle one another. We are ashamed of our association with this franchise, and happy to be moving forward with other opportunities.”

Linden Labs, best known for the ever popular Second Life, was quick to snatch up the rights to EVE. Offering an undisclosed sum, Linden hopes to fully integrate EVE within a single “SIM” on their mainland server. Chief Technology Officer Jeff Petersen discussed the acquisition: “We were inspired by the fact that EVE’s legacy code is based upon the same innovative design concept as Second Life. This was apparent when CCP tested an ability for ‘capsuleers’, or ‘avatars’ as they are now known, to undock from their spaceship and explore a fully functional three-dimensional reality. Where CCP failed to further develop this, Second Life is able to offer an expansive and immersive experience. We want everyone to create their own unique space home, within which they can literally spend their entire life.”

The merger of these two gaming systems will revolutionize EVE gameplay, allowing battle weary pilots to explore the Jita marketplace, or supervise the construction of a fully customizable planetary production site. Some critics have expressed concern that this added complexity might introduce lag, but Linden Labs is confident that their servers are up to the task. Petersen explains, “We have never had any issues with lag or ‘time dilation’. Our most popular sim, London, loads within mere minutes. The same will be true in Jita, where station traders will be able to stroll casually through aisles of merchandise, while encountering not only individuals from their own New Eden universe, but also an assortment of furry dinosaurs, elderly men masquerading as twelve year old lesbians, and one legged vampire dildos.”

Perhaps the most exciting feature which will soon be available to veterans of EVE, will be the ability to have limitless lag-free sex within and with any number of capsuleers, spaceships, space stations, asteroids, and creepy robotic wheelchairs. EVE is already well known for its distinct roleplay community, and the denizens of Amarr are particularly thrilled to learn about the opportunity to combine their existing EVE and Second Life accounts. Already, Atrons and Punishers are selling out across Domain, as Amarrites anticipate using them for carnal pleasure.

Meanwhile, EVE’s currency ‘ISK’ is being supplanted by ‘Lindens’, which can be used to purchase anything from a Titan-class warship to a titan-sized fully functioning purple dragon penis which is capable of spewing gouts of fire while throbbing on command. Petersen adds, “Instead of merely piloting a spaceship, players will now have the chance to literally become that ship. This will not change the actual mechanics of play; allowing the freedom to fully express one’s inner self. It will also create new opportunities for conflict. For example, instead of warping into a gatecamp, you might instead be warping into a gangbang.”

The purchase of EVE has set Linden Labs upon a path toward greatness, as they reinvent the very definition of a computer game. Petersen explains, “Games should not merely be something which we play every now and again, when we have a little freetime, but something which we are continually doing throughout the day. Users of Second Life routinely engage in online prostitution while AFK, and we expect that EVE’s dedicated mining community will welcome this alternative form of income. Similarly, Second Life has a committed scammer community, devoted to encouraging nubile young women to don magical collars which permanently enslave them. These scammers will most assuredly find their place across New Eden, luring new players into perpetual low security bondage.”

In the future, we can expect that CCP will continue to acquire a diverse collection of legacy titles from the turn of the century. One item which Petersen indicated was under consideration, is Paradox Interactive’s brilliant Clausewitz engine, “It’s not enough for players to merely enjoy spaceship sex. We want them to create their own inbred dynasties, sacrificing castrated children to the dark gods, while planning their next campaign of genocidal conquest. The Clausewitz engine is well known for its bug-free implementation, and this will fuel ‘total war’ across New Eden.”

One feature which Clausewitz will introduce to EVE, is the notion of a casus belli. For example, it will no longer be possible for Goonswarm to arbitrarily seize territory from its neighbors, without first deploying a diplomat to fabricate a claim upon the desired star system. Meanwhile, space leaders will have to think seriously about the citizens who inhabit their planets. This will be particularly important for individuals engaged in planetary interaction, where an unexpected opinion malus may undermine production for decades. Clausewitz will also allow bored players to speed up time, fast forwarding into the future, and slowing down to savor any interesting moments.

Ultimately, we can only wait with anticipation for EVE to become fully integrated, allowing us to experience all the wonder and splendour New Eden has to offer.

As many are aware, there has been a real problem with the local chat being down in numerous systems, not the least of which is one of the largest trading hubs in New Eden, Jita. There is rampant speculation as to why this is occuring, and a substantial amount of finger-pointing, but no real attempts at finding out the true cause of the issue—until today. Putting my best investigative foot forward, I dove head-first into the problems, and have discovered quite an interesting tale.

It turns out the largest contributor to the issue, as of late, is a rather large rift that began growing throughout the Caldari State alliance. Numerous reports of even the most minor of slights and offenses are being cracked down upon by upper management of the alliance. Massive fines for accidentally bumping a ship, demotions for not mining certain types of ore before others within the belt, etc.

With an increase in enemy movement as demonstrated by increasing Minmatar fleet activity along the Amarr borders, tensions are no doubt high among both the Caldari State and Amarr Empire. Rampant awox-related paranoia seems to be a big issue among the State as well. Over a dozen pilots were removed due to baseless claims of “association with a neutral third party.” These factors—along with several others—seem to be creating far more issues than outward appearances would reveal at first glance.

I managed to get a look at an alliance-wide mail sent by one of the alliance-level leaders in the State. It reads as follows: “To whom it may concern, It seems that in these trying times, there are those among us who are going out of their way to make things even more difficult. While I shall not be naming any names (yet!), this is an alliance wide warning to all alliance members: Rent is to be paid on time, regardless of circumstances. To most people, this will not come as surprising news, but to those few (and you know who you are) this is a generous heads up. There will be consequences, as per our contractual agreement…”

After some more deep diving and questioning of some line members of the various corporations within the State, the truth finally revealed itself. Upper management of the Caldari Navy have been away from the game for several weeks now, and no one remembered to pay the rent for Jita in advance. As per the contract, a majority of the non-critical functions have been disabled, including most chat functionality. If they don’t pay the rent plus a sizable late fee, control of the system will be taken from the Caldari Navy corporation and set as an available rental system open to other members within the alliance.

This rather shocking revelation has led to much more speculation about who may control Jita should the Caldari Navy CEOs not respond. No doubt there are several parties interested in the prime real estate. Cracks are clearly forming for the State—will anyone take advantage of them?

Around the end of YC119 (2017), New Eden saw an alarming increase in bounties and ore extracted from the Delve region. Earlier in the same year, we saw the culmination of World War Bee, a terrible hit on Goonswarm that severely diminished their numbers, if not completely leaving the MIttani on his own. So how could the implosion of Goonswarm—forcing a consolidation into Delve—result in a marked increase in activity? Certainly the Mittani couldn’t generate all this activity on his own.

Or could he?

By the end of Q1, YC120 (2018), the strip mining of Delve settled into a consistent and formidable pattern. Thousands of accounts were tirelessly mining and ratting like automatons on autopilot, relentlessly harvesting anything that didn’t get away. Automatons. Bots.

In that same quarter, CCP started cracking down on botting; it had become a plague on New Eden. Apparently, bots had become a scourge, with levels heretofore unknown. They finally decided something had to be done. Banning at various levels was something, and CCP was doing it.

On July 13, YC120, a mysterious post out of nowhere, Confession of a botmaker showed up. It is a cleverly worded diatribe of a botter who claims he has suddenly seen the light! He has forsaken his extensive botting ways and now claims to be a force against botting. Is it a coincidence that this happened only one week before the Mittani’s birthday? Was this an attempt to throw a “smokescreen” over the covert-op of botting and cloak the effort in misdirection? Obviously it was, and a successful one; the November 2018 MER shows Delve is still far outstripping other regions in mining and NPC bounties again by the trillions.

So, clearly the Mittani is now the only person left in Goonswarm, and he is funding his operation with bots. But to do this, he would need not just 30 or 40 accounts like the average Red Frog or player who’s pilot name rhymes with Kusion. Even a thousand wouldn’t do. He would need tens of thousands to make this happen. There’s no way he could figure out how to do this.

Or could he?

EVE Onion’s crack reporters are keen-eyed, astute masters of their domain. (Read: Paranoid conspiracy theorists.) Beginning February 15th, they’ve been noticing something unprecedented: Cloud service failures all over the map. Cloud computing services permit people to run any number of copies of computing tasks. They simply configure them and ask the service provider to fire up a new copy to run. In other words, it’s a bot farm service. Could the Mittani be using cloud computing services to run bot farms in the tens of thousands. Yes! And not just one service!

On Feb 15, 2018, Google announced issues with their service. The Mittani didn’t like the hit and diversified to Equinix and Amazon Web Services (AWS). The demand was too much and, on March 2nd, took them both down. The Mittani moved closer to CCP, using the iomart service in Scotland. That lasted until March 29. Microsoft’s service was next on the list and that made it all the way to April 6. Running out of options, the Mittani did a brilliant move by hiding in plain sight re-establishing his bot empire on AWS again, which went down May 31. Azure again in June; you get the idea. Where once the Mittani thought of all his little bees as little robots to do his bidding, they actually are now.

With the ability to spin up tens of thousands of undetectable bots, the Mittani has become a one-man juggernaut in New Eden. Cloud services usually expect tens of copies to be started up, not tens of thousands. The Drifters, Triglavians, Blood Raiders, ect., are really just CCP trying out new types of AI to detect and crush this threat. Until they figure it out, all the little bee bots will continue to romp in Mittani’s playground of Delve.

UPDATE: The Mittani bots have gone crazy! The bots have taken over all kinds of ships and have started killing each other instead of just NPC rats. Over 20 billion in losses and climbing. Is the Mittani himself a bot? Has he finally succumbed to the Three Rules and is killing himself in order to protect himself? More news as we investigate this horrific turn of events!

They began training as children, learning songs which taught them the basics of ship maintenance, gunnery, and warp drive operations. “The neutron blaster aims up and down, left and right, so we push-push-push the BIG big button, alllllll the wayyyyy down!” Afternoons were filled with riveting history seminars, analyzing how the Supreme Lord Protector conquered the Delve, before returning home to accolades and the veneration of all four empires.

In the prime of His youth, eternally frozen in the visage of Hercules, James settled down on a small farm in the rustic system of Halaima. The Saviour tended to His vineyard, enjoying the relaxing pace of rural life, far removed from endless war. However, word came to Him of the poor miners, struggling to make sufficient isk. They labored under heavy handed CEOs, who greedily snatched up tritanium, hauling it to Jita in quantities which the market could never absorb. As prices steadily declined, the miners lived in abject poverty, huffing mindflood and various wormhole gases. James pitied the wretched miners, and pondered how to save them.

The CODE. changed everything, once James nailed His constitution to the bulkheads of the Caldari Provisions Warehouse. Faster than the speed of light, citizens across the galaxy were amazed at the brilliant new government which James proposed. Henceforth, miners would be granted full citizenship, sharing in the bountiful profits of trade, rather than toiling for a mere pittance. All the peoples clamored to embrace the CODE., and the great bloodless revolution took place overnight, as even mighty Khanid knelt down and swore fealty to James as sovereign High King of Halaima. Of course, James did not wish to rule as just another autocrat, insisting  upon a proper referendum, which resulted in a resounding 100% approval of the CODE. There was neither woman nor manchild to be found, who did not aspire to fulfill His sacred creed.

As the children grew up, they learned that these childhood stories were neither fanciful nor exaggerated, but the simple plain truth of the People’s Democratic Republic of New Halaima. They rejoiced, knowing that James was there to watch over them, shepherding His flock with the utmost tender care. However, they also learned that there was another side to this story, for some of the greediest scoundrels in the galaxy only pretended to embrace the CODE., whilst plotting to overthrow James and once again enslave the people. These monstrous traitors operated insidiously across the realm, stealing into asteroid belts when nobody was watching, and depleting the galaxy’s finite natural resources.

Now it became clear what their childhood songs were meant to teach, and the young adults began to seriously study the art of war. They memorized the writings of Sun Tzu and Clausewitz, vociferously debating the sage oratory of Asclepiodotus and Vegetius. Livy and Cato spoke to them as dear friends, while they struggled to assemble Catalysts within the sprawling industrial shipyards. Over loudspeakers and videoboards, James addressed them each directly by name, urging them to work faster and harder so that the evil pirate miners could finally be brought to justice.

Eventually, the time came, when they reached their tenth birthday. After assembling one last Catalyst, they climbed aboard, not as workers but as a crew. An immortal capsuleer arrived, clad in black and red, greeting them sternly as they took their posts. There was a final check of the guns, the ammunition load out, the sensor boosters, and the rigging. Just moments ago, a renegade white glaze trafficker had been reported within the Oort cloud of Kamio. The capsuleer asked if they were willing to bring this vile traitor to justice, “ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS!” was the resounding reply.

The ship blasted out of the station, hurtling toward the warpgate. Less than a minute later, the hull quivered as it began final deceleration. “Overheat the guns. Sensor boosters on. Watch range, fire and approach!” Orders snapped crisply from intercoms, as gunners eyed the target growing larger within their scopes. Within seconds it was over, as the crew cheered with joy, “PRAISE JAMES! PRAISE JAMES! PRAISE JAMES!” Suddenly, the lights grew dim. The ship began to shudder violently, “We’ve lost engine control! Hull breach on port section 36A. Prepare to abandon ship!”

They all knew this might happen. Millennia ago, the empires sought to prevent rebellion, by developing an automated system which automatically engaged and destroyed “criminal” vessels. Unfortunately, a fatal flaw in the bot code made this CONCORD system unable to understand that agents of the CODE. were now duly elected public servants of a new civilization. The crew bravely strove to save their vessel, from rogue drones which sought to enforce the ancient tyranny of those who had long since disappeared from history. As liquid flames boiled through zero gravity, their last thoughts were of James, hoping they had earned His blessing.

Published courtesy of the EVE Online forums

2018 has so far seen its fair share of underhanded, greedy, and downright scummy moves by the game industry; the consequences those respective companies having faced. Live services are being pushed in order to have less content that is more monetized, loot boxes are now being evaluated by multiple committees and organizations to determine if they’re gambling, and the new Smash Brothers still doesn’t have my favorite character in it.

One company, on the other hand is trying to be the proverbial light in the darkness—CCP Games. Just recently, the company announced their December update, and along with it the 13 Days of EVE. This event rewards players for logging into the game with various gifts, ranging from ship skins to skill points. This was, unsurprisingly, met with backlash from the EVE community at large.

“First, skill injectors, now they just give SP away for free; what a joke. #eveisdead” reads one of several tweets sharing a similar message. “Whatever happened to HTFU?” writes one of the few people that still use the EVE Online forums. “You know what we got for logging in during the holidays back in my day? Podded. AND you LOST sp, not given some for free.”

In a brief candid interview, CCP Falcon admits to us here at the Onion that he has no idea what the players actually want. “On one hand, you have people wanting SP compensation for server outages, and now people don’t want free gifts for the holidays,” says a distressed Falcon. “It’s almost as if the most vocal part of the community is an unpleasable, incomprehensible angry mess.”

CCP immediately began to hotfix the holiday giveaway, removing anything of actual value and reserving the skins for those that brave the darkest depths of abyssal space or defeat a massive pirate incursion. “I’ve seen better…” begins the top-rated Reddit comment for the hotfix announcement. “Wait, what do you mean we aren’t getting free sp? CCP is so greedy after being bought out,” replies the second-most rated comment.

Can CCP perfectly balance a holiday event to please every member of its community? Could this event spell the end for CCP Games and EVE Online as we know it? The answer is no, obviously. You crazy or something?

The moral of this story is don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, or in this case, a gift skin in the… pixels?

CONCORD’s  war dec changes across New Eden is driving a significant uptick in structure transfer ownership changes. The changes are twofold. First, only those corporations (and parent alliances) holding structures are “War Eligible,” while those without any structures are not valid war dec targets. The second change allows the CEOs and Directors to determine whether their organization will accept or reject transfer of structure ownership to their corporation.

Reports indicate the majority of structure transfers prior to the war dec change implementation are to holding corporations, in order to ensure members of pacifist corporations have access to structure services without the associated risk of structure ownership. Some, however, have other intentions, and at least one had a likely unforeseen consequence.

With the transfer of Astrahus J125149 – Meat Machine to WiNGSPAN Delivery Services, Covert Insertion’s Covert Insertion / Dagney Blackrose Rin single-handedly accomplished what Chance Ravinne and his 579 alts have failed to achieve with 16.4T ISK of deliveries over four years and four months of operation:

WiNGSPAN Delivery Services is now “officially” a wormhole corporation.

Sources indicate Covert Insertion is a P I R A T alt corporation, with the transfer intended to ensure P I R A T can continue to blap blingy WDS ships undocking in Jita and Amarr. WDS kills during the current war dec account for 28.7B out of 3,421B, or 0.84% of P I R A T killboard. What’s a paltry 1B ISK Astrahus in comparison to 28.7B ISK on the killboard?

Will WDS attempt to unanchor Meat Machine? Will the parties responsible for the donation show up to kill the citadel, or will they simply keep it reinforced so the structure cannot be unanchored, and WDS remains a valid war target? Will WDS attempt to awox the structure? Will WDS stock the structure with valuables, in an attempt to pad their killboard? Will third parties join the fray to be part of “evicting” WDS from J-Space, or will they defend the WDS structure against WDS pilots to ensure WDS continues to feed P I R A T?

Get your snipers, corpse haulers, and video equipment into J125149 – Join the celebration as WiNGSPAN Delivery Services finally joins the ranks of “real” wormhole corporations by virtue of owning a structure in J-Space!

Dodixie IX – Moon 20 – Federation Navy Assembly Plant, Sinq Laison

Rumor has been spreading here in the Sinq Laison region that a man has finally been able to afford Tier Two equipment for his Drake-class Battlecruiser. I’ve managed to not only locate this individual, but score an exclusive interview with the pilot who wishes to remain anonymous, in order to protect him from, “the gankers”.

Deep within the seemingly endless number of hangars here in the assembly plant, the last thing one would expect to see is a single item representing years of blood, sweat and dedication. This item, a Heavy Missile Launcher II, in all of its shining glory, sits upon the comparatively dingy hull of the clearly well used Drake.  “Yes sir, this ship has seen me through hundreds if not thousands of security Level Three missions for the Federation,” remarks its owner.

“The way I see it, with the MASSIVE damage increase this launcher will provide, my income and potential will exponentially increase. Sort of like Moore’s Law.” Unfortunately, the man fails to realize that unlike Moore’s Law, a Drake has a fixed number of hardpoints, and ultimately has an upper limit to reach; but that doesn’t dissuade him. “In fact, I might even start breaking even with my ammo expenditures on the more difficult missions. I won’t be in the hole after completing them, adding even more to my revenue intake.”

According to the pilot, this new launcher is the culmination of five years worth of hard work, dedication, and skillful flying. “I’ve seen many changes to New Eden in that time. Back in the day, the money I spent on this launcher could’ve bought two titans, and you’d have enough left over for a carrier. Inflation is rampant these days. I’m pretty sure it’s because of all those bots people keep talking about. But that’s none of my business.”

As for his plans now? The Level Three missions will have to wait. “This ship is basically the MOST pimped-out ship in this entire region. Insurance won’t fully reimburse me for a loss this large. I’m going to lay low for awhile, maybe try to assume a new identity, play a few alts. Let the gankers and opportunists lose interest and move on to the next big thing. Will probably go and do some mining. I’m just about ready to upgrade those civilian mining lasers, if you catch my drift.”

Every day spent in New Eden is the opportunity for a lesson, and the chance to be inspired. Persistence, and perhaps a touch of obliviousness, is a key part of making it in this universe we call home. Persistence or, in some cases, an automatically running script. Regardless of how you make your living here, just make sure you’re having fun while doing it.

Addendum: I have been informed by senior staff that “High security, null security, and everywhere in known space is incapable of being fun. Wormholes or bust.”

So, you have discovered through the website http://www.evemeet.net that there is an EVE Online meetup in your area. You decide that it is time to go hang out with nerds that love EVE as much (maybe more?) than you do. First, you’re excited and cannot wait for the date to arrive, but then you start to think about all the things that could possibly go wrong. What if I say something dumb, or what if I’m the only one in my alliance there? What if I don’t belong to any corp or alliance? Will i be made to join a corp or alliance to continue to keep attending the meetup? All these questions and many more may fill your mind.

Have no fear! EVE Onion is here to help you navigate your first EVE player meetup.

Here are the top five ways to have an enjoyable EVE meetup:

1. First impressions are important. Approach everyone with a meek smile and a long firm handshake. How long and how firm? That is up to you. We recommend a bone crushing grasp, and never be the first person to try and stop the handshake.
2. Never let anyone buy you a drink. The moment they buy you anything you will owe them something, and chances are they are running a scam like you see in Jita. Nothing is ever free or heavily discounted without a catch.
3. There will be swag. Embrace the swag. Collect all the swag you can. Swag is life. Swag can be traded for other swag and can help you blend into the crowd.
4. You will at some point be approached by an EVE player who wants to know which side of the “Casino War” you fought on. This is a trap. Correct them immediately by saying you mean “World War Bee”, “The Dirty Isk War”, “The Mercenary War”, or “The War of Sovless Aggression” to show you are in touch with the meta of EVE Online and gain their respect no matter which side of the war you did or did not fight on.
5. Always remember the meta of EVE Online goes where the players go. These people are not your friends. No amount of good times you have at this meetup will stop them from shooting you in game, stop them from stealing you blind in game, or stop them from making you the laughing stock of Reddit for a day or two. However, go ahead and let loose. Drink, be merry, and for Bob’s sake don’t forget to tell them that you get all your news from EVE Onion, EVE Online’s premier source of EVE breaking news.

We hope these tips will aid you in your first exciting experience known as an EVE Online Player Meetup. No matter where you are in the world, these tips will make you the classiest player there.

Extra Tip: Name drop! Name Drop! Name Drop! You flew in a fleet with Gobbins once? In the same Discord channel as Matterall? Or you know someone who knows TheMittani? You let everyone you meet know.

Extra Extra Tip: If you come across a “space important” player, always grab for their arm and force them into a handshake. Except if it’s TheJudge. He is very sensitive about his hands. You will need to buy him many beers first.