Hell has frozen over.

Soon^tm has arrived.

The stars are aligned.

The end is near.

Two portents of the end of EVE Online intersect, signaling the imminent arrival of the same. The first, Capsuleer Katia Sae of Signal Cartel completed a survey of all 7805 systems, in a little over nine years, and without losing a single ship. That’s every K-Space and J-Space system, Jove and Abyssal excepted.

While this unique accomplishment is sufficiently astonishing to deserve recognition, one might simply applaud and move on, were it not for the second. This second portent, likewise unique, marks the collapse of a culture core to the existence of EVE Online. As this culture falls, it may very well bring about the end of the entire EVE Online community.

The portent?

Oh, this is not just an /r/eve thread, this is the thread destined to bring an end to all threads, and herald the end of EVE Online as we know it.

~400 upvotes

over 50 comments

Not a single troll, snark, or negative comment.

It’s been a great run, but…it’s over. There’s no coming back from this one.

CCP Grocers was just up the street, which was rather convenient for Mildred, who was eager to browse the aisles. In the past, they charged an exorbitant membership fee, but recently she learned they were now free to the general public. Balloons, streamers, and endless fireworks heralded CCP’s new policy, and Mildred was delighted. She ignored the billboard which asked, “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?”

At first, she couldn’t even find the store, and wandered aimlessly in the parking lot. There were no clear parking spaces, and endless chaos, with vehicles piling in on top of each other. Meanwhile, the surface of the lot was only partially paved, with large potholes. In one particularly large cavern, numerous individuals were trapped, crying out endlessly for help while others watch from above and mocked them with bad advice. A drooling simpleton sat eating glue, while scooping dirt with a plastic shovel and chortling, “Hurrr, me like gold!” Bystanders encouraged him to keep digging and enlarge the hole.

Mildred finally made her way into the store, politely greeting a young man who leered at her. “Hey baby, you wanna double up with me?” She tried to ignore him, as a girl brushed past, shoving her to the side. “Excuse me!” Mildred was shocked at this rude behavior, but the girl simply muttered something about “pubbies”. “CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME ANYTHING PLEASE”, shouted someone endlessly through a megaphone, and Mildred shuddered as she made her way into the dark aisles, “PLEASE CAN ANYONE PLEASE JUST GIVE ME HELP I PROMISE I WON’T HELP YOU IN RETURN.” Another voice responded, “I will give a box of cereal to the first person who asks.” There was a clamor, as people shouted, “Me! Me! Me!”, but Mildred had no interest in such offers.

All she really wanted was a can of green peas, and she soon found them covered in dust. She checked the price, it was only 50 cents a can, so she grabbed two of them. She then made her way to the checkout, followed by a strange man who kept muttering, “You are real? Are you real? Can you see me? Why aren’t you responding?” In front of her, a shoplifter kept grabbing yellow boxes off the shelf, “Look! Look! I’m stealing stuff! Do you wanna stop me? Do you think you can stop me? Are you gonna stop me? I bet you can stop me!”

She reached the checkout, and the clerk eyed her peas with a knowing smile, ringing them up in the blink of an eye, “That will be $100,000 please.” Mildred was shocked, “I’m sorry, but they only cost 50 cents each!” The clerk carefully checked her records, “No ma’am, most of the peas cost 50 cents, but these particular cans are priced at $50,000 each.” Mildred shook her head, “Well, ok, I don’t want them, I’ll just go elsewhere then.” The clerk gleefully replied, “That’s very well, however, I’ve already charged your card and you really are obligated to pay.” Mildred felt faint, realizing that she would soon lose her car, home, and even her beloved pelicans. A police officer shouted, “Yah and you owe me 10 million dollars! That’s the law!” Someone in a ridiculous clown outfit chimed in, “You agreed to pay me 31 millions!”

As she stumbled toward the exit, she dimly recalled a glowing red light, which pulsated overhead. There was a gentle nudge, as she was bumped into the door frame, and then a powerful burst of energy as someone zapped her with a taser. She awoke later, far away, left with nothing… not even her peas. She spent several hours crying to whomever would listen, but they simply ignored her, and nobody would help. A few years later, she decided to try again, and had almost exactly the same experience.

EVE Onion reporters obtained evidence this week of a new line of Super Kerr-Induced Nanocoatings (SKINs) coming Soon^tm. Although the manufacturer is redacted from leaked documents, the SKIN family and applicable ships are clearly visible. “Stoudt Day” skins provide capsuleers with the unique opportunity to enhance their Minmatar ships with even more Stoudt Tape (also known as Duct Tape in some circles) than is typically used in the manufacture of Minmatar vessels. The SKIN also renders several popular ships from other nations virtually indistinguishable from Minmatar ships.

Unlike most SKINs, this line of single-use SKINs appears to have the unique characteristic that they cannot be removed without destroying the ship, and may have other unintended side-effects. Watermarks and notations on some SKIN blueprints seem to indicate they were initially designed by a Caldari industrialist corporation, with the intention of disguising Caldari Militia ships in order to allow penetration deep into Minmatar territory. Upon discovering that Faction Warfare is Dead, the industrialist simply re-branded the covert technology as an homage to Matari technology and culture.

His Holiness, Max Singularity, upon viewing early evidence, raised the first alarm that perhaps these SKINs are not as innocuous as they appear. “I thought it was just a skin color, but it turns out it is duct tape and plywood.” An expert in starship engineering, upon reviewing the schematics, expressed similar concern that “I don’t see how these modifications could possibly result in a ship safe for warp flight, despite their…stylish…appearance. Of course I’m not exactly sure how any Minmatar ships make it out of the docking bay without blowing up.”

A Rens ship spinner, speaking upon condition of anonymity, offered a different perspective. “I will absolutely cash in PLEX to purchase these SKINs. The fact they cannot be removed without destroying the ship, and that an improperly spun ship may stick to the hangar walls and require destructive removal by maintenance crews only adds to the challenge. The effect of these SKINs upon flight or combat characteristics is entirely irrelevant to my area of expertise.”

The three remaining industrialists servicing Hek and Rens were equally enthusiastic. “Our clients are discriminating, and typically have a high regard for generous application of duct tape, pardon me, Stoudt Tape. We get incredible satisfaction from the opportunity to approach our best clients with the line: ‘yo dawg, I hear you like tape with your ship, so I put some tape on your rusty tape ship so you can tape yourself flying a taped up rusty tape ship through the warzone while you jam out to a mix tape.’ The only thing that would make it better is if we could offer Stoudt Tape formal wear.”

Gecko Hareka offers a uniquely Matari perspective:

The history of duct tape culture and skills actually goes back to the famous Matari ancestor macgyver. His wisdoms are cherished amongst the Matari people travelling to the stars. His sayings are taught to children at an early age and having this as a line of skills will expose new people to his wisdoms, and the most important secret to the success of Minmatar engineering. Most things in a Minmatar ship can be fixed with duct tape. If it cannot be fixed with tape use more duct tape (especially on solar sails). Duct tape cannot fix screams, but it can muffle them until your enemies are taped to the bulkheads.

“Stoudt Day” appears to be a reference to Vesta Stoudt, the mythical inventor of the tape bearing her name, and the exact release date remain a mystery; evidence is strong this SKIN collection will stick to shelves in just a few weeks. Stick around, and find out!

Image courtesy of Rixx Javix

Luminaire – The Gallente Federation capital system of Luminaire was bustling with activity as roleplayers from around the cluster arrived for the annual ERP Awards Ceremony— “The LEWD’s.” Pilots from all major role playing factions were present, though journalists had difficulty gaining access to the venue due to the various cybernetic appendages, enhancements and body modifications sported by the attendees, which obstructed the entrances. Security drones patrolling the venue created a jamming field to prevent the photographing of the almost exclusively female capsuleer audience.

The hostess for the evening was breast physics advocate Niraia, who provided a brief opening statement on bounciness before allowing the festivities to commence. Coincidentally, rumor has it that observers from CCP Games’ parent company Pearl Abyss were in attendance, collecting data on the demand for a Black Desert Online physics engine to be introduced to Eve Online. The ceremony was staccato’ed by various performances and live readings of up-and-coming erotic roleplayers, many of whom were participating for the first time.  

Categories for the awards included “Best Use of Anatomically Inaccurate Appendages,” “Best Erotic Scene in Local,” “Most Creative Use of Fleet Chat,” and “Best Written Paragraph.” The ceremony, however, was not without rough patches. Earlier this week, controversy sparked when the Awards Committee determined that this year—like every year beforehand—were too few male characters in the pool to issue an award and announced the creation of a new category: “Best Performing Actress (who is actually a woman).” Much to the surprise of the Awards Committee, the pool of contestants was even smaller than that of male characters and thus retracted the category before the ceremony began.

The evening was not all about fun and games however, as many protesters took to the streets outside of the venue in support of an alleged love affair involving Empress Catiz Tash-Murkon I and Sanmatar Maleatu Shakor. The particular pairing features heavily among role players as one of the most likely avenues for peace in New Eden. Protesters clashed violently with police, who provided a cordon to protect counter-protesters. Intriguingly, this group of counter-protesters was made up of denizens of the Amarr Empire and the Minmatar Republic, who managed to find common ground by opposing the fetishization of both heads of state. Among the counter-protesters were the ISD Team and CCP Delegate Zero, who silently shook their heads at what had become of the lore they had painstakingly written.  

The awards ceremony finally culminated with the winner for “Best Sex Scene,” which involved multiple participants and a Fedo. Although a live-action re-enactment was scheduled, the organizers cut the ceremony short as the venue had already ran out of plastic wrap for the seats.

Gland, Switzerland – In a ceremony attended by leading conservationists and environmental leaders, CCP Guard, on behalf of CCP Games, was presented with the prestigious “World Wildlife Fund Award for Conservation Merit.” According to the World Wildlife Fund for Nature (WWF) website, this distinction is awarded “for significant contribution to local, grass roots conservation and for conservation achievements over a long period of time.”

In the words of WWF president Pavan Sukhdev, “CCP Games has shown remarkable resilience and energy as a global leader in the conservation of threatened and endangered aquatic mammals. Majestic creatures such as the Rorqual and the Orca have found an ally in CCP and we at the WWF are proud to support these conservation efforts.”

Throughout much of the early 2000s and 2010s, the Rorqual was in dire straits before CCP introduced a controlled population into a special set of natural preserves collectively termed “New Eden.” Although the animals found niches in their new environment, it was not until drastic measures were taken in 2015 that the Rorqual populations in New Eden quickly began to skyrocket.

Wiping a tear from his eye during the emotional ceremony, CCP Guard shared, “It has been a long and difficult journey for the Rorqual. As recently as 2012, it was rare to even spot a Rorqual in New Eden. Today, however, the Rorqual has obtained widespread abundance and we will do all that we can to ensure its numbers are never threatened significantly again!”

CCP’s efforts to replenish Rorqual numbers are not without controversy, however. Iceland, in which CCP is headquartered, is one of the few countries in the world that continues to allow the commercial hunting of whales. Moreover, many observers who follow the developments in the New Eden preserves, believe that the Rorqual numbers are becoming unsustainable. Some of these observers take matters to the extreme by leading unauthorized “whaling fleets” into New Eden for the express purpose of hunting Rorquals.  

“When we lead whaling fleets into New Eden, we aim to kill as many Rorquals as possible,” said a Bomber’s Bar spokesperson, “There are way too many Rorquals in New Eden.”

“That statement is absolutely absurd,” replied TheMittani, one of New Eden’s leaders in protecting endangered populations, “Even when you look at the preserve with the highest concentration of Rorquals—Delve—the Rorquals are unable to completely deplete their natural diet of ore. Nonetheless, we know that Delve Rorquals will be hunted to extinction if we let the whaling fleets have their way, so we continue to stay ahead of these heartless poachers by expanding watch stations and safe harbors to guard these majestic creatures.”

Let’s drill!

Okay, you’ve decided to mine, but aren’t exactly sure how. Or maybe you’ve done it all before, became a millionaire and biomassed. What choices will you make this time, and how will they affect the rest of your career? You want to spend the rest of your life playing EVE, and who doesn’t want to PLEX up from Alpha, but how can you maximize your ISK/hr? Well, today I will answer these questions—so let’s get to it!

We all dream of becoming a rockstar miner, like that Mackinaw over in Ashab. However, even the lowliest Alpha can become a tycoon, if they merely follow a simple strategy. Are you ready? PROTIP: You don’t actually need to invest large amounts of ISK, or actual real-life money earned from mowing the lawn, delivering newspapers, or cleaning underneath the couch.

First, did you know, ships are FREE in Eve? A boat in every port, as Uncle Joe used to say. So, let’s spawn into Imperial Chaven. Look at that, an Impairor is just sitting there. We can skip all that violent tutorial business, and move straight on to what EVE is really about. Some people like Planet VIII’s Asteroid Belt 1, but I’m old school, and you just can’t beat Planet VI’s Asteroid Belt 1. Yes, I know, Planet VIII is only 164,225 kilometres from the Imperial Academy, whereas Planet VI is 3,590,348,880 kilometres away. It seems like Planet VIII is right there, easy access, and it is way too easy! If you want the good rocks, and I mean the real nice ones that haven’t already been picked over by some greedy Retriever, Planet VI is the spot. Think of this as the remote frontier, your own little private nullsec. Let’s warp!

All right, we are up in this belt, and can see all the Scordite just floating out there. Over that way is a field of Veldspar. How do we know which rock is the best? Most players get themselves a ‘roid scanner, but we’ve got a handy dandy advantage. Instinct. Our ancestors invented rock smashing, and it’s in our blood. All you have to do is listen to your gut. That’s right! We want the MASSIVE Scordite. We are not some little hillybilly miner who is going to be satisfied with a little rock. THINK BIG.

Now, there’s two schools of thought on how to mine. Some people like to just hover and suck, but when you are ready to be a real digger, you can orbit the rock. Turn on the Afterburner and let her rip. Goblins won’t be able to catch you. Whichever option you choose, the next step is crucial. Left click your target, hit the control button to lock, and activate your laser. Now you are officially a miner!

What’s next? I usually check my email, or maybe just lean back and relax. If you turn up the volume real loud, you can hear your laser just whirring away. That is the sound of ISK in your pocket, enjoy! One thing I really like, is to zoom out, so I can hear the solar wind gusting to and fro. It’s details like this which make EVE the preeminent space simulator of our era. Oh snap, looks like our cargo bay is full. Let’s get paid!

We warp back to the imperial academy, and take stock. We have 766 massive Scordites, one piece of bonus tritanium (which came with our free ship), and the ship itself. I sell the scordite for 12,806 ISK (after taxes), the tritanium for 4.38 ISK, and utilize a little life hack. You can right click your imparior, and repackage. WARNING: Make sure to leave the ship first! It sells for another .02 ISK, and why not? If you really want to be sneaky, try adding a market sell order at 2000 ISK. Yes, your ship was free, but some Minmatar scum might not realize this. As PT Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

Once we’ve gotten rid of the ship, we are ready to undock and redock. BOOM! We’ve got a new ship, with even more bonus tritanium. Even better, we can replace the gatling gun with the miner from our original ship. In just a few simple steps, we have doubled our mining efficiency, without spending a single ISK. Well, I need to get back to drilling. Come again next week, when we will be discussing the benefits of an expanded cargohold.

This week’s feature fit:

[Impairor, Dual Miner]

1MN Civilian Afterburner

Civilian Miner

Civilian Miner

This year, CCP has included Canada in the World Tour (https://www.eveonline.com/article/pjzslc/eve-online-world-tour-2019). You may have heard that marijuana is now legal in Canada. You might also think that this is some progressive move by Canada to be recognized on the world stage as a leader in free-thinking individuals who can chart their own course. As a public service announcement, EVE Onion is here to tell you this couldn’t be further from the truth. It is, in fact, a federally supported clever ruse..

The Canadian government is distracting you. Marijuana isn’t where it’s at, boys and girls: It’s MAPLE SYRUP. There are days when the air smells like maple syrup in Canada (https://www.reddit.com/r/toronto/comments/pg8pg/anyone_know_why_scarborough_smells_like_maple/). Even the money smells like maple syrup (https://www.tripadvisor.ca/ShowTopic-g153339-i49-k11879645-Money_smells_like_maple_syrup-Canada.html). The world makes jokes about it, but Canadians really have a problem with maple syrup. So much so that they’ve gone beyond simple pancake adornment. You probably haven’t heard of an “Icky Stick” or the more subdued practice of “maping”. More hard core users will participate in “maple-lining” or “tapping” their crystal mape where the sugar form of the syrup is heated and injected straight into the vein. There are even some who “pancake” or “waffle”, similar to a dab, where AAA dark syrup is vaporized at high temperature and inhaled completely. People have described the experience as “going North” as if they’re floating around the pole on an ice floe. They often wake up the next day to find they are, in fact, floating around on an ice floe.

The reason you won’t have heard of this is ongoing Federal campaigns making the public aware of invaders threatening the maple supply. Stories such as the Vermont Heist (https://globalnews.ca/news/390558/vermont-company-implicated-in-20-million-quebec-maple-syrup-heist/) have made Canadians paranoid about where they’re going to get their next fix or the artificial inflation in cost that could happen. Guy next door Doug Mackenzie was quoted as saying, “Oh, ya, eh, dey went an’ took th’ good shit. What’s next, eh? Stealin’ oor beer? We’ll build a wall, eh! Get oot’ve oor hoose!”

Because of the perceived threat, you may find it difficult to enjoy this sweet release. EVE Onion wants to make sure you have a great time in Toronto and offers these tips: Wear a toque, you’ll blend right in. Use “eh” a lot so they don’t suspect, but don’t make it sound like a question—that’s a dead giveaway. Don’t worry about your accent. Don’t say “thank you” when they tell you where to get it or give it to you, just apologize: “Sorry for having you go out of your way, eh?” Don’t forget to congratulate them on the 100th anniversary of the Federal Igloo in Ottawa. Whatever you do, don’t bring up the practice of setting the elderly adrift on ice floes from Baffin island when they reach 75—touchy subject. The Rick Mercer Report basically let loose a national secret there. Finally, if you think something has gone wrong, offer Timbits and coffee in a Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win cup (tell them it’s a DD DC — double-double, double cupped). The person you are talking to is likely to overlook just about anything. In fact, they’ll probably apologize for even the thought and invite you over for a beer and a barbecue—yes, even if it’s -10 Celsius out. They live in a cold climate, but they have warm hearts.