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EVE Onion Broke After CEO Uses Last ISK to Buy Noctis

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Around 0000 GMT on 27 July, a large fight broke out between the Imperium and PAPI forces in 1-SMEB mostly happening on the 6Q-R50 gate. After the fight, many pilots from both sides stuck around to loot or pick off looters on grid, including myself. Taking a trusty Hecate tactical destroyer with a combat scanner probe launcher back in after the main Imperium fleet had left system, I went straight to the 6Q- gate to look for some easy frags.

Sure enough, others had the same idea. Landing on the gate, I found several pilots from NSH picking off Imperium looters and stragglers. Near a few wrecks sat two Noctis’ salvaging the unfortunate who lost their ships in the struggle. Luck had it, point was landed before either could warp. Beams and blasters made short work of the vultures. The notification feed pinged with the killmails.

Within a minute I received a DM on Discord from none other than my employer and CEO of EVE Onion, Opus Magnum, informing me I had just blown him up. Looking over the killmail at the name, I was surprised, as I hadn’t even noticed. “Lol” I replied; it was honestly kind of funny. Little did I know how unfunny it really was. “That Noctis might have been your last paycheck,” he told me, “if you hadn’t just blown it up. EVE Onion hasn’t been getting the views we need to keep the lights on, so I took the last bit in the wallet and bought that Noctis to try to earn some fast isk.”


“Lmao no way.” I nervously replied. In truth, I was sweating. If EVE Onion is really that broke, then I had no way of winning hypernet Hecates anymore as I can’t be arsed to rat!

So here I am writing the farewell article for EVE Onion (without pay of course). It’s been a good ride and easy isk, but all things must come to an end. In typical EVE Online fashion, that end was with a fiscally irresponsible CEO, and the last of the isk blown up in space. 

o7 capsuleers.

The Unrollable Hole in My Heart

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“I can’t deal with this anymore. How could you do this to us?”, A crying voice echoed through the station’s halls. The door to the captain’s quarters hissed open as Nestor walked through, clutching in his hands the keys to the Ikitursa. He was crestfallen, somberly meandering pointlessly through the fortizar he came to know so well, with his feelings sinking ever further down. After going through a few wrong corridors, he thought about just living off of a Rorqual somewhere in Wormhole space, or maybe just sitting behind a desk in the Caldari Navy Assembly Plant in Jita, settling down and becoming a trader. His face twisted with disgust with the thought. “It can’t end like this. It just can’t”, he muttered to himself.

He was slowly stripping in his pod, getting ready to plug himself in and board the Ikitursa, when a fleeting thought came across his head as he slowly rolled down his pants, revealing the bulge hiding in his underwear. “No, I shouldn’t”, he thought, looking upwards at the cables hanging from his capsule. “But if not that, then what?” he said out loud, almost by accident. 

It was a thought so odd he had to sit down on the floor and marinate in it for a while. That scar, the way he looks without that eyepiece on, his calmness in the heat of battle, his skill on being the head of a Corp chock full of the strangest people in New Eden, how he effortlessly can hold a fleet together with his Zarmazd…he sighed. Maybe this is what he had to do all along. And the voice he longed to hear was bouncing in his mind as he bound himself to the spaceship. Making every effort to think about the person he wanted the most, he sent out a message:

“Johnny, it happened. I’m a complete mess. Do you mind if I go to your place now?” 

“Sure”, a calming voice appeared to emanate from his head. “Do you want me to pick you up?”

Nestor shivered at the thought of sharing a pod with Johnny. He was so unsure of what would happen when their bodies came so close. He was so held back during his previous relationship that he never thought of it. Another sigh came, causing air bubbles to form in his pod’s fluid. After a shake of his head as to erase the thought, he answered:

“Nah, I’m already on my way there. Just tell me the entrance.”

After pointing to the entrance system, Johnny exhaled, relieved that the person he cared deeply about was finally off of a toxic relationship. Even better, on shortest route to visit his Fortizar. He, too, spent much more time thinking about sharing a capsule. It’s almost as if their care for each other was being held back by the walls of wormhole politics. Nestor had been a member of Inner Hell, one of the most prolific and powerful corporations in wormhole space. And although Johnny tried, he never could grab the attention of Inner Hell like he could grab the attention of HK. “It’s almost as if I am not worthy of their time”, he thought, reflecting on their past together as he placed his black beret on the coat hanger before heading out to the docking hub.

On his way there, he stuck his head through the opening of the corporation’s lobby room, where a young member was gesticulating heavily towards another member sitting on the couch:

“You have a serious problem with following direct orders! You almost ruined the entire hauling operation”, Grubu shouted, in a hopeless tone. “It was only one Sabre…”, Sharo retorted, certain that his efforts helped the fleet go through Rancer without any other losses. 

The buzz in the lobby room died down immediately when Johnny said, “Guys, I have some personal stuff to deal with. I’ll be available later, so only ping me if we’re about to be evicted”

“Docking request accepted”, Aura spoke, as the Fortizar started to tow Nestor’s Ikitursa. He stretched inside his pod. For the whole trip, the thought of Johnny sharing a pod with him wouldn’t leave his mind. “At least I will see him tonight”, he thought, as the pod carefully ejected from the ship, draining the fluid to the reservoir attached to the station. He was torn between getting dressed quickly or waiting for Johnny to get impatient and just enter the locker room.

“Can you please help us instead of being a huge liability?” Grubu shouted, hoping beyond hope he could reach Sharo. With the whole corporation watching the argument, Sharo could only be bothered to raise his eyebrow and answer “Imagine me helping” before rising from the couch and heading to the cafeteria. When the lobby door closed, Grubu’s brain lost command of his legs. He darted through the hallways of Fambino’s School of Disappointment; only his pained heart was responsible for the sudden movement of his hand reaching for Sharo’s shoulder. Sharo’s heart was pained too, torn between his image to the rest of the corporation and his affection towards Grubu; it was his heart that commanded him to stop when he felt that unique hand grab his shoulder. His head was hanging low with shame for screaming at his partner.

“Why you do this to me, Grub?” Sharo asked, without moving his sight from the floor. He could almost see the name badge on his uniform. “You know I want to keep my poise. You know I have a reputation to uphold”

“I just want you to be the sweet person you are when we’re alone. I don’t want to forget about the person I love. And don’t call me Grub, you know I hate it when people do”. Grubu reached his index finger below Sharo’s chin, trying to raise his gaze so their longing eyes could connect once more. Sharo finally gave in, as his eyes focused on Grubu’s. He felt a pull on his uniform, making their bodies inch ever so close. It was almost as if Sharo’s body was being grappled by a battleship.

“Oh, thank Bob you made it here safely. I was so worried you had to come through the gate camps in Niarja”, Johnny said, letting the immense weight of his affection go. “How are you feeling?”. Nestor turned his head around to face the door, and as he placed his left leg in his pants, his feelings oscillated from embarrassment to slight arousal. He recognised the calming voice and felt at ease. Finally, he was safe. “Oh, you know. You’ve listened to my complaints about this enough times already”. Johnny leant sideways on the doorframe, watching carefully while his friend got dressed. The world appeared to slow down as his mind drifted off, remembering all the hugs they shared the last few months. Nestor turned around, fastening his belt. Slowly, he walked towards the doors, stretching his hand to embrace Johnny’s neck. They embraced harder than a thousand large blaster shots at point blank. Harder than a Kronos has ever grappled any other ship. Nestor buried his face in his friend’s shoulder for a moment, letting his brain soak in the warmth like an Amarr fleet can soak damage. After what seemed like an eternity, he lifted his head and reached his hand to Johnny’ cheek, slowly caressing the scar on his face. 

“How did you get that scar, again?” 

“Oh, I’ll tell you over dinner. I’m starving. Wanna eat?” 

“Sure, I’m hungry as well.”

“No, not here”, Sharo said, seconds before their lips came together. “You know the Russians in the corp don’t like this”. 

“I know, and I don’t care. I can’t hide it any longer. Don’t you notice how I have to shift around when sitting on the couch watching you meme around in the lobby?” 

Nestor finished getting dressed, and as the doors hissed shut on the locker room behind them, he draped his arm over Johnny’ shoulder while walking towards the Fortizar Diner. Just behind a storage alley in some nondescript hall, they caught just outside their eyesight two bodies engaged in a passionate kiss. The kind of kiss that can collapse entire wormholes. The kind of kiss than can stop a war in Fountain. The amount of energy those two let out with their love could easily match a doomsday weapon. Only Bob would be able to tell what went through Johnny and Nestor’s head as they walked past the couple on the way to the diner. 

Players Moved From Space to Invasion Systems: “Feature Not Bug” Says CCP Sledgehammer.

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In a stunning interview with lead game developer and self-styled supreme genius, CCP Sledgehammer has finally revealed that a recent string of unwarranted player relocations is in fact a feature of the new Triglavian Invasion content, and not an unintentional bug. 

Over the last two weeks, reports have come in from pilots having logged off one day and logged in the next day in a completely new system—one invaded by Triglavians. At first these incidents seemed rare and random, with the individual pilots submitting bug report tickets. Those tickets went unanswered though, and the wider Eve community began to get suspicious. “At first it was just the null blocs.” said one of the affected pilots. “And then it was me and a friend pulled from a wormhole. We’d logged off the night before while camping some mining Procurers and the next morning after down time we were in Raravoss!” The pilot was sadly not alone. Eve Onion investigators have confirmed that at on two separate occasions, an entire fleet of Goonswarm Federation Jackdaws—who’d logged off as part of a “tactical disengagement” in space—logged back in after only a few minutes to find themselves relocated once to Raravoss and once to Vale. To find out just what was going on, Eve Onion turned to the one man who could shed light on this strange situation: CCP Sledgehammer.

Were you aware of what was happening?

“Of course, I knew what was happening!” exclaimed Sledgehammer, “It was part of the invasion mechanic from the very beginning.” He smiled manically, left hand stroking his domestic short-haired European and continued, “Marble and I thought it would be necessary to start the relocation efforts from day one in fact; others asked us to wait for a few days before pushing this button, to see if the content was popular enough without it. As you can see, I was right all along.” At this, a low rumble emanated from the diminutive furry head in his lap. “WE were right, I meant to say” Sledgehammer corrected, briefly glancing to Marble. 

Why would such a mechanic be necessary?

“We have to encourage people to use our new content somehow!” explained Sledgehammer. “Frankly speaking, it took years to get enough people into the Abyss on a regular basis to justify THAT development expense. We almost lost the entire dev team for that one! Can you imagine the consequences if we had let this massively hyped ‘Invasion’ naturally play out? Let’s just say there’s a reason the word ‘extirpation’ is used so much by the Triglavians.”

What can players expect in the future, regarding this feature?

“If I were to give any advice to players who were blessed with mandatory participation, it would be this; Eve is hard, get over it” dismissed Sledgehammer.

Do you plan on making future events mandatory?

“That depends on several factors”, he replied in contemplation. “If the players participate on their own, then there’s no need for us to do anything; after all this button is not going away any time soon. At the same time, if we can finally succeed in our efforts to make another passable MMO, then the jackboot of foreign investment might relax enough to let us breathe freely again. At which time, we won’t worry so much about justifying failed content implementations and Eve can go back to easy mode for those who like to mindlessly play the same old thing every day.”

Can we expect other unexpected features to emerge during this invasion event?

“Uh, well uh, I couldn’t hear your question” responded Sledgehammer, becoming visibly agitated and glancing several times at the cameras surrounding his office. “Thank you for your questions.” At this, our interview concluded.

While these were incredibly candid and open responses for an employee of CCP Games, we at Eve Onion expect nothing less from such a supreme genius as CCP Sledgehammer. 

Eve Onion will continue to monitor the situation and report on any additional, new, and exciting features to emerge from this invasion!

Colorblind Diplomat Causes Havoc in Eve Online

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A Horde Diplo with Cone Monochromacy, a rare form of colorblindness, caused a brief reign of terror this week while attempting to adjust standings for an on-boarding renter corp. In a brief moment of confusion, the diplomat set the renter corp to +10 instead of +5.

Due to his condition, he failed to notice the error, and it went uncorrected for over eight hours. Eventually, it was fixed by a director who was pinged out of bed; though by that time, the damage had been done—Millions of ISK in customs office and refining taxes had been lost.

We reached out to the diplo for comment. He informed us that he: “[was] still working to overcome difficulties with his new handicap.” and that “While unfortunate, it pales in comparison to the frustration I felt earlier, when I accidentally purchased a Granny Smith apple. I’ll just have to use more caution in the future”. He explained that unlike typical cases of genetic color blindness, his condition was caused by “retinal toxicity”, from a regimen of hydroxychloroquine, earlier this year.

When we reached out to Horde leadership for comment, they informed us that “The diplomat in question has been sacked”, and referred us to a previous statement where they explained that he was being dismissed for his involvement in a Discord colorblindness support group.

ERB Lied, Dreds Died

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At 1419 EVE time, Einstein-Rosen Brigade’s Fortizar was destroyed. This in itself—wormhole space being what it is—isn’t unusual. Sources inside the hole, though, paint a grimmer picture. Dreads, carriers, a Rorqual, and multiple sub-cap ships…dead. 

Looking for context and a sense of closure, we contacted the main organizers of the eviction for comment:

“I’ve never seen such rampant disregard for capital life” SYNDE CEO Cyrus Kurush said in disgust. “[Emmaline Fera] the CEO said there would only be two capitals in the ENTIRE wormhole. Why would she lie!?”

Peter Moonlight, CEO of Suddenly Carebears added, “It saddens me to see all these dreads left for dead. And the Vargurs! Woe unto those that abandon healthy marauders to such a fate!”

When we sought a rebuttal, ERB CEO Emmaline Fera refused to comment, then went back to running PI. 

The approximate death toll is currently around 500bil ISK, but is expected to grow much higher. 

WH Amish Community Slams Empire Space “Innovations”

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Rarely emerging from their deep WH communities, a small group of young Amish Wormholers who call themselves “Adhocracy” have ventured out of their closed wormhole community for Rumspringa. Upon seeing how society has progressed to four subsystem T3 cruisers and thunder spewing lightning rods, the Amish youngsters have declared empire technology a heresy and an insult to Bob’s glory.

When asked for comment, the leader of the Adhocracy youngsters had a few words for Eve Onion reporters to better explain their position:

“For generations our family has lived in the secluded depths of Anoikis, working with the  traditions passed down to us from when we decided to leave wider society. We send every new generation back to empire space once they reach young adulthood, to experience what society has to offer; seeing if they would like to return to the community, or if they would like to leave and join the wider Eve society.”

Eve Onion asked why it took so long for Adhocracy to notice the new way of producing T3 cruisers. They had this to say: “For some time now we have not had any children old enough to send out for Rumspringa and find out what has changed”.

Reporters asked Adhocracy to elaborate on their position and why they think empire space is heretical: “This year our latest generation has gone out and experienced the wider world and we are horrified by what we hear. T3 cruisers are like a finely tuned guitar, and the subsystems are like strings. You can tune them to be the tool you want them to be. These new T3C that empire space is producing are garbage, absolutely no good. They have four strings that produce the same note. Not to mention, these thunder spewing lightning rods are the work of anti-Bob worshippers and we cannot live in such a society.”

Upon providing these answers, the Adhocracy leader declined any other questions and decided to return to their community, with a commitment to continue making T3 cruisers the old fashioned way—with five subsystems as Bob intended.

NDA Leak: The Truth About the CSM Summit

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Behind all the memes, myths, and misinformation surrounding the “free vacation to Iceland” enjoyed by players elected to the CSM, there is a hidden truth—kept under lock and key by ironclad Non-disclosure agreements in addition to multiple layers of operational security and cover stories. Breaking the silence and piercing the veil is a former member of CSM 11 who has agreed to share this information with us under the condition of anonymity:

NOTE: The individual who risked serious legal repercussions for violating their NDA will henceforth be referred to in the article as “Banks”. 

Banks provided us with several documents detailing flight plans, itineraries, and expenditures related to his participation in the CSM 11 summits. We cannot release the documents in full without exposing the identity of Banks so we have carefully selected portions of the summit that more than three members of CSM 11 participated in to discuss in this article. One document details four members of CSM 11 going on a retreat to Deplar Farm in Skagafjörður; the document outlines the costs of lodging, heli-skiing, travel, food and something called “special hospitality”. Most noteworthy is that the “special hospitality” costs almost twice the cost of lodging per person for a staggering €4,608, that would mean that whatever this additional expense is for, the same amount of money could be used to pay for two nights at the farm. When asked what this service was, Banks told us only that he is a wealthy man and made use of the service several times in addition to what CCP had already allotted payment for and paid for these additional sessions out of pocket.

Another document details first class airfare for all members and an included “Saga Gold” membership for all summit attendees. When the council members arrive at the Keflavik airport they are greeted by a representative of a concierge service. The CSM is then driven by limousine from the airport to the lodgings of their choosing. Banks emphasizes that if a member of the CSM were to choose lodging that was not within 2 hours travel distance of the CCP offices, a virtualization suite would be used to telecommute to the summit. He goes on to explain that every single place we stayed at had Sparc, Eve Valkyrie and an assortment of VR equipment to use for either connecting to the summit sessions or playing CCPs latest cash grab.”

Banks goes on to explain that the majority of the CSMs time in Iceland is spent attending tours, tastings, spas and other luxurious outings that in his words “Have nothing to do with EVE Online or the CSM.” He explains that the reason behind meeting minutes taking so long to reach the player base and being so parsimonious when they do, is because they are largely a fabrication. “Meeting minutes is just another cover. It’s bullsh*t really; sure,some of it is true. But 99% of it is made up to fill time gaps after all of us are already back home”. He references a specific document in the summit care package that indicates CCP has had a partnership with Extreme Iceland since as early as CSM 3 and many of the tours offered to members of CSM like Golden Circle are part of this tourism company. Banks explains that for every CSM that chooses to attend a tour sold through Extreme Iceland the coordinator of that tour is giving 200 million skill points for an EVE character of their choosing.

Perhaps the most shocking revelation in the documents provided by our source is a series of summit videos taken by CSM coordinators and members of the community team at Blue Lagoon. One video taken at the second summit depicts a member of CSM 11 in a verbal altercation with Banks. In this argument, the unnamed individual is almost completely naked except for half empty cartons of skyr affixed to his head. He berrates Banks for being “Greedy and dishonest”, before sauntering off calmly as though no conflict had occurred. “We were at the black pearl and **** just starts ripping his clothes off complaining about the heat and yelling at everybody. They won’t let us stay there anymore.”

First class flights, secret retreats, and an elaborate series of cutouts to fool the voting public; it’s doubtful that CSM 15 will be any different. Perhaps now that people know the truth there will be reforms and changes to the systemic corruption within CCP and the CSM.

Hard Knocks’ Pets Attack Weebs Over Cat-Ears

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On 15 June, Hard Knocks’ favorite pet SYNDE was lured by General Mobabi of the group “Ugandan Death Squad” with the promise of cat-ear SKINs for their Ikitursas, attacked the home of Weebfleet, J120308, New Eden’s premier wormhole anime corp.  Charging headfirst into Weebfleet’s headquarters—in typical SYNDE fashion—they were smothered by body pillows while the Weebfleet tribe yelled their war cry of “Oneiros-Chan best girl!”.

EVE Onion reporters approached SYNDE for comment, inquiring on the motivations behind the attack. While fervently denying any implication of enjoying anime, they did admit that “anime cat-ears are a top-quality accessory.” Unconfirmed reports by General Mobabi of Ugandan Death Squad claimed the presence of such accessories in the home of Weebfleet.

Weebfleet was also approached to comment on the incident and stated: ”While we indeed possess cat-ear SKINs for the Ikitursa, the failure of SYNDE to show appropriate reverence to ‘best girl Oneiros-Chan’ was an inexcusable transgression and was met with the most stubborn of resistance.”

After losing the first battle, SYNDE ran back to its owner Hard Knocks and communicated via a series of barks and yelps the traumatic experience. Forever the attentive owner, Hard Knocks visited the home of Weebfleet to see if an agreement could be reached. Unfortunately, Hard Knocks failed to praise “best girl Oneiros-Chan” and Weebfleet again used their arsenal of body pillows and cat ears against Hard Knocks. However, years of C6 krabbing had strengthened the pincers of the eternal red crabs, enabling them to slice through the densest of low-class skulls; they were then able to fend off the attacks of the anime fetishists with ease. Unable to reach a dialogue, Hard Knocks scolded their pet, and left SYNDE to its own devices.

When asked to comment, Hard Knocks issued a prepared statement: “We are not responsible for the actions of our pets. We will,  however, act swiftly in accordance to the principles of Noobman and Braxus,  to ensure that our property is unharmed.”

SYNDE, forever the low-skill pilots, had not learned their lesson, and attempted another assault on Weebfleet. Acting on inaccurate reports, they failed to notice the gathering of Weebfleet and Wrong Hole pilots. While details of the battle are scarce due to the chaos of the fight, there were distinct reports of the leader of the joint Weebfleet/Wrong Hole fleet, Malachird, screaming about ”low skilled pilots” and “autism.”

With many of the hostile fleet members scattered or incapacitated, SYNDE was finally able to loot a cache of cat-ear Ikitursa SKINs. SYNDE reported the success of their mission to their master, and Hard Knocks took a picture to share with their best friends Lazerhawks, the premier WH furry roleplay corp. EVE Onion tried to reach Lazerhawks for comment however all that could be heard over the phone were faint cries of “no weebs allowed”.

Clone States Revival!

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Greetings Capsuleers!

Following the wildly successful Abandoned Fortress update, we are bringing back an older—but much loved—mechanic back into play. We know many are eager to bring a purposeful loss mechanic during combat as well as the ship and implant losses.


PATCH NOTES FOR 2020-06-05

Audio:

  • Fixed an issue where a 3rd party audio hardware conflict would incoherently cause a screaming noise when used with VOIP software during large fleets, e.g. Mumble, Discord, etc.

Gameplay:

Clone states are back! As your skill points grow, you will have to purposefully buy medical clones of certain SP grades in order to avoid skill point loss upon death. A failure to use the appropriate clone will result in a loss of the SP difference between your character and the SP grade of the medical clone. SP losses will be randomly pulled from skills until the lost amount is achieved similar to T3 Cruiser losses but applicable to all skills.

Characters who are in an Alpha clone state are limited to the default Alpha medical clone regardless of their current SP accumulated and will lose a random alpha state skill in full upon each death if the character has more than 10m SP.

  • Alpha Medical Clone (default, no fee) (covers deaths of pilots with 10m SP or less
  • Omega Tier 1 Clone (25 million ISK)(covers SP retention of up to 15 million SP)
  • Omega Tier 2 Clone (100 million ISK)(covers SP reandtention of up to 25 million SP)
  • Omega Tier 3 Clone (250 million ISK)(covers SP retention of up to 50m SP)
  • Omega Tier 4 Clone (1 Billion ISK)(covers SP retention of up to 100m SP)
  • Omega Tier 5 Clone (3 Billion ISK)(covers SP retention of up to 120m SP)
  • Omega Tier 6 Clone (5 Billion ISK)(cover SP retention of up to 140m SP)

Players with characters that exceed 140m SP who have an Omega Tier 6 Medical Clone will always lose a fixed 5m SP upon death.

User Interface:

  • Removed thumbs up/thumbs down from the Escape menu; it was purely a placebo item and didn’t serve any other purpose or collect data of any kind.

CCP Apologizes for Recent Server Issues—Players to be Compensated by not Getting Banned

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Any hardened Eve Online player is all too familiar with the odd server hiccup and the occasional extra 10 minutes of existential dread with brief visions of all the lost life they have poured into a simulation where the only respite is a couple of increasing numbers on a screen and at best a vague notoriety within a small social group which outside of the game is as meaningless as a leaf blowing in the wind before the happy colours on the screen say the server is back up and the nightmare ends as the login screen progresses.

Lately, we have seen a slightly higher amount of server and game unreliability which, of course, players seeing any possible opportunity for free goodies as their lives have irrevocably been impacted by that lost fraction of a cent paid subscription time. CCP usually offer a number of free skill points for the inconvenience, but in a brief Twatter exchange it would seem that times have changed and the company has decided that new approaches to player demands are in order:

The tongue in cheek response did not go down well on the popular social platforms where at least five individuals say they will be unsubscribing as a result of this brazen lack of respect to long-term customers taking their business to Runescape or Ultima Online. CCP responded in a few cases with sadness and they will be at a loss where to get a few tens of dollars of extra income to make up for their lost business.

CCP Mirage later issued a more formal response:

“Seriously guys, it was just 10 minutes of additional downtime and a few chat channel problems. If you really want we can break down the exact dollar per minute cost of that time lost and issue you a coupon for next time you pay for more game time. You guys aren’t going anywhere, we know you have invested too much in this game to walk away, go back to your mining belts or anomalies and be happy we let this click similar even continue! You guys are lucky we don’t ‘accidentally’ delete all the databases and reset the server from scratch. We know you won’t leave.”