Outside The New York Police Department HQ Commissioner Keechant Sewellin addresses the assembled press in an effort to quell panic spreading on social media over reports of a chemical weapon attack on the Lexington Avenue Line.

“Members of the press and public, I am here to reassure everyone that the earlier reports of a distressed man throwing glittery dust substance on fellow passengers while screaming about quote ‘boosts’ was not a chemical weapon attack. The dust has been analyzed and found to be a mixture of baking powder and Miley Cyrus fuchsia colored glitter. Completely harmless and all passengers have been checked by paramedics and found to be in good health. The individual is still at large, and is mentally unwell, please call the police if anyone makes a sighting so that he can get the help that he needs.”

51st Street Station earlier today was the scene of panic when a crazed passenger boarded a train and immediately began throwing a colorful glittery dust on passengers and screamed “Get the links up people! Wait for calls!”. Passengers immediately began to panic and rush to neighboring train cars. The assailant then fled the train as it pulled into the next station and he disappeared into the crowd.

Police continue to hunt for the troubled individual but are relying on the public to assist in apprehending the “glitter booster” as the public have dubbed him. Online commentators quickly put together a likely explanation for this bizarre event and identified that the man was most likely an Eve Online player and may have succumbed to a energy drink induced mental break. This is not the first time an Eve Online player has had a public breakdown over stress caused by the MMORPG. Most recently a player was tasered in a COSTCO after barricading the exit to the store and preventing customers from leaving in an effort to set up a so-called “Gate Camp”. Police were forced to taser the individual and found that he had not slept for over three days due to his obsession with the game.

For any sightings please call 911 and do not attempt to approach the individual.

The war on drugs and major crime took a new direction last night after a SWAT team breached the residence of a suspected major criminal, backed up by police helicopters, and a full HAZMAT team from the Office of Nuclear Energy. Their intel turned out to be correct, in a sense, until it was discovered to be in the virtual world of Eve Online.

CIA Spokesperson, Julia Thomas, in a press briefing issued an apology to the local community for the mid-night disturbance to the neighbourhood in downtown Texas. Residents were stunned when their front gardens became a scene from a major action movie, with helicopters lighting up the sky, armoured vehicles roaring down the streets, and chemical weapons lorries setting up shop outside the community duck pond.

“Even though our information was not entirely correct, we would like to remind the greater community that we are committed to fighting organised crime in all forms.” Julia Thomas commented as she concluded the interview.

Information requests have since revealed that the CIA had been actively monitoring online chat, messaging, and popular VOIP program Discord for criminals taking their work online. The system reportedly scans traffic and communication for keywords and the Eve Online player turned out to trigger many major red flags which launched a full fledged $10m investigation and operation to apprehend the individual. Many in the wider public have been thoroughly alarmed at the massive intrusion into their personal online activity sparking numerous lawsuits.

Declassified documents released by the CIA as a gesture of goodwill in the defense of their actions, showed the individual known in-game in Eve Online as “Best Cocaine Prices” (yes that’s his name!), acted and spoke just as you would expect a major drug lord and arms dealer would do and took his role play very seriously. He would share plans, schemes, scams, and barter for many hours each day in between his other hobbies of fighting in chat rooms over anime adaptations, among other things. Most is heavily redacted, apart from the numerous animated pictures he shared, quite a collection, many only had to be censored for nudity.

Included in the thousands of Discord logs were comments on how well his drug production is going and the amazing profits he is making by dealing arms of all kinds (lasers were mentioned which should have been a giveaway to the agent who combed through them). The biggest flag to the CIA task force turned out to be the uranium enrichment program he has set up to make nuclear reactors (in game of course, turns out the game has those as an in-game commodity duh!).

Best Cocaine Prices asked not to be named in press interviews but said he was quite flattered that the government took his role playing and his little operation so literally and it would be a fun story to tell at the next game meet up in Iceland. He was quite concerned over the enormous amount of money dedicated to taking his virtual empire down.

The CIA has since updated its training regimes to include greater clarifications and ways of identifying legitimate crime to help prevent such a situation from happening again. They have also terminated other operations which seem to have identified other Eve Players. Many things are legal in Eve Online, scams, pyramid schemes, drug manufacturing and trading, and corporate espionage just to name a handful so no surprise it flagged up, it is just surprising how long it took.

It is such a relief to finally share my heart with you, dear mirror-cam, who always look at me with such great admiration, respect, and even love. I must unburden myself, and who better than you? And you, dear adventurer, who find this recording carefully concealed, as I am sure one of you someday will – do not hesitate to weep for joy at the brilliance, the beauty, and the boldness of my plan.

My vision was inspired and the developers I shepherded were excellent, but the world was not yet ready for our VR experiences, nor was current hardware capable of supporting my vision for the ultimate world-changing experience represented by my DUST… Legion… Nova… FPS thing.

It struck me in the sauna, as so many of my most brilliant ideas have – the solution to our woes. With BoB gone, New Eden needs a villain, and who better than the architect himself? Everyone loves to be the golden child, but sometimes a true hero must seem to be the villain in order to give the people hope. In the end, you either die a hero, or you live long enough to become the villain. I have chosen to become the villain.

I began to execute my plan by boldly enraging the player base with Incarna, setting them on a trajectory of increasing anger and frustration. In their hubris, they never suspected my devious genius, ascribing my words and actions to incompetence. Over the years that followed, I continued the dismantling of their world, ultimately leveraging my army of bots to boost player counts in order to secure a buyout by Pearl Abyss, then retiring the bot army to make the player count plummet. The community team had to go, of course, and the CSM had to be relegated to irrelevance. It was a shame, really, but you can’t bake a cake without breaking a few eggs.

And the developers, oh… the developers. Where I did not directly quash their suggestions and prototypes, my agents have persuaded them to sit on their best ideas. They think I don’t know how much time they’ve spent working on side projects for the love of the game. They think I haven’t seen their branches full of carefully crafted balance changes, new features, new ships, and, of course, cat ears.

My plan was audacious, but it has nearly reached fruition. EVE is at its nadir. A few short months, and the player count will fall far enough that the company can be purchased for the cost of its hardware’s recycle value.

On that great and glorious day, they will drive me from my seat of power, and appoint one of their own CEO as players and developer-players purchase EVE Online in the industry’s greatest crowd-funding success of all time. My legacy will be one of enduring passion and technical innovation like none that has come before me. My name will be whispered with awe by the few who know the true story of my ultimately benevolent scam.

To be a true hero, you have to be willing to save the day and have no one know you did it.

I am that hero.

A lot has been said from the recent leaks coming from the CCP Keynote, one of the biggest announcements was the merger between CCP games and Wube games as it was purchased by Pearl Abyss.

Wube Software’s famous Factorio was the key to the acquisition as the gameplay it offers is the best fit to replace the outdated PI mechanics that Eve Online provides. It has been confirmed from CCP Ratatti that Factorio’s gameplay will fulfill the needs of all those eve players that preferred to herd Fedos before engaging in the “exciting” mechanics that Planetary Interaction currently offers. 

Some players raised their concerns about how their loved PI farms would tank due to more players willing to engage in the activity, this was quickly shut down by a big part of the community as capitalizing on a mechanic that equals watching grass grow isn’t very popular. Others argued that they find the gameplay amusing and relaxing, CCP answered them during the Keynote referring to their famous song HTFU

Overall it seems like there is indeed a new era for Eve Online and CCP games, Factorio’s own success and the adaptability of Eve’s universe will bring a lot of new players willing to try this new kind of gameplay in an emergent industry, ready to kickstart Eve’s new dawn.

Plot Revealed! CCP Hilmar Working With North Korea. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Plans For Takeover of Nullsec Sov Held By Imperium. CCP, at Hilmar’s direction, cripples player ability to defend territory with year-long effort to undermine EVE economy and military industrial capability.

Uproar has shaken up the Eve community this last week due to the Omega price hike!

Here in EveOnion, we were able to get a little sneak peek at the reasons for such an increase in price. 

Documents found from an old laptop found in a dumpster outside CCP headquarters in Reykjavik (Which had a little post-it on it that said: “Dispose of it properly – CCP Logibro :)” ) Revealed some crucial information about CCP finances and some worrying-long audio messages full with profanities in Korean. What little we were able to salvage due to the top-tier encryption, provided by coffee spills, revealed some of the reasons why the famous game developer company had to take such drastic measures. 

From over budgeting on volcano helicopter rides and CSM meetings, the last nail in the sinking burning coffin that is CCP’s decision making was the involvement of CCP with NFTs, as they had a wide scale project that involved a new currency named HilmCoins that would immortalize Kill mails as NFTs on a homebrew blockchain.

One last comment we were able to salvage from an email, made by CCP Hilmar himself, after the public announcements of CCP distancing themselves from NFT read: “I was this close on getting the damn Elminer’s Killmail NFT!” 

The announcement of raising Omega subscription cost was a heavy blow to many players. Naturally the player base was quite upset; rightfully so. Post-lockdown many people are finally settling and re-evaluating work-life balance, their finances, and even careers as a whole. One thing many capsuleers looked forward to with the return on some semblance of normalcy was Fanfest. That is, until of course, CCP announced a hike in subscription costs. Around 20 USD/month for one month of Omega time is no small ask, and many players are looking to reduce their number of subscribed accounts (subs), or unsubbing altogether. Hearing this, CCP have had to make a hard decision, and will now be offering refunds for Fanfest tickets in the form of Omega subscription for the purchasing capsuleer’s chosen accounts.

This year’s April Fools from CCP dropped in the form of another dev blog listing changes, along with a big “This is a Joke!” disclaimer. Upon reading the article it became evident that without this disclaimer the changes and quality would be indistinguishable from any given devblog. We have joked before that The Eve Onion will be out of business because we can’t top what CCP does, but in this instance, I feel a better April Fool’s would have been to not disclose this was a joke and left everyone feeling ambivalent as usual, and then simply never implementing the “GHOST” clone system or “Epic Insurance”. Nobody would have batted an eye until controversial changes didn’t happen.