Staff Riot Narrowly Averted in an EVE Onion Birthday Surprise


EVE Onion writers nearly rioted on Discord ( on the very day of EVE Onion’s first birthday, after management refused to make the Discord and Twitter ( more prominently accessible. “I had the Discord link in the footer, but bots spam those things, so I moved it to the Contact page,” Opus Magnum replied, reasonably.

It all started innocently enough, with <redacted> proposing a Discord button on the website header or footer. “Interaction with your audience is a good way to retain fans,” the author opined, pretending to know something about PR and business in general.

Things escalated quickly to “I say we riot,” after the heavy jack boot of management came down, quashing the suggestion. The threatened riot failed to materialize, however, as EVE Onion staff became distracted by the word “riot,” and went off on a tangent discussing the MOBA League of Legends, which all denied playing.

Acting quickly, the editor responded to <redacted>’s request for a Discord link by consulting with the Chief Jackboot Wielder, Opus Magnum. The elitist leadership deciding to enable comments on the site Soon (™). “Be careful of what you wish for,” the editor announced ominously. “I didn’t ask for comments on the site, I asked for a link to Discord,” <redacted> replied tearfully.

Announcing nearly five common-sense regulations for staff engagement via EVE Onion official media interfaces, Opus Magnum responded quickly to <redacted>’s suggestion that perhaps a whistleblower should write an article suggesting “working conditions are awful…I don’t even get paid.” “I’m freakin Stalin,” Opus Magnum preened, marching back and forth across the Discord. “I will be loved and hated all at the same time. EVE Onion is a unionized BDSM dungeon for writers. I’m sure I am making my momma proud to have started such a place.”

Momma Magnum was not available for comment, even in light of having achieved a full year of regular activity, and enjoying unassailable pocket change as a result of contributions via RMT facilitator Patreon, and tens of thousands of ISK supporters have sent in-game to “EVE Onion News.”