CCP Games, struggling to regain momentum after departure of several key employees, and the now-publicly announced termination of Rixx Javix’s third party product efforts, introduces deadly new PvE content with May’s “Into the Abyss” expansion, in an effort to boost PLEX sales.
The Dread Pirate Lord Rixx Javix, long noted as the pre-eminent producer and proposer of EVE licensed products, made public his decision to retire from his frustrating attempts to help CCP make money, leaving CCP grasping at straws.
After rejecting what are rumored to be dozens of Javix’s proposals for new revenue streams, CCP CEO Hilmar Veigar* (Wormholer, BTW) found himself forced to transition from rejecting great ideas from others to coming up with ideas his own. Pressure mounted to increase revenue before the close of Q2, and prove his own ideas good enough to justify discarding the Pirate Lord’s. After many hours tied up in closed-door meetings (certainly not mashing d-scan in a C5), Veigar reportedly threw up his hands in frustration, crying “effing Tyrannos,” then bolted from the room in excitement a few moments later, shouting “I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” The CCP executive presented his evil plan to take the devastating frustration of loss to an apparently indominitible foe, and the fear of players waiting invisibly to pursue your destruction from the confines of J-Space into all of New Eden. Abyssal Deadspace is proving perfectly suited to fulfil Veigar’s mission, a mission critical to the long term viability of New Eden: “Do whatever it takes to sell PLEX!”
PLEX prices have been steadily declining for months, but prudent investors are already stocking up in anticipation of upcoming rapid inflation. Noted economist, PleaseDontMindMeSir, explains the process:
The player base has lost some 1T ISK worth of ships and modules in Abyssal Deadspace in just the first three days, and zero ISK has been removed from circulation by the same efforts. Asset sinks cause inflation, as the same available ISK pursues fewer assets, whereas ISK sinks reduce inflation, as less ISK chases the same assets.
In addition to assets lost in Abyssal Space, many industrialists are reporting massive losses in modules as they turn perfectly good T2 modules into worthless bricks in an attempt to morph them into something awesome.
Successful delvers of the Abyssal Depths are reaping enormous profits, providing some counter pressure to inflation as buyers pay exorbitant rates for Abyssal modules, but CCP insiders are confident that the net result will be massive inflation, followed by increased PLEX sales, as players find they need fresh reserves of ISK in order to replace their ships and modules, and PLEX the only reasonable shortcut to that end that doesn’t involve the mind-numbing drudgery that is legacy EVE PvE. CCP is so confident their orgy of destruction will fund the remainder of FY2018 that they already held a champagne brunch at company expense.
Early indications are that “Into the Abyss” is on track to be a stunning success for CCP’s evil masterminds of PLEX sales. While PLEX prices are just beginning to creep up, prices on ships suited for T1-T3 A-Holes have already begun to spike. The workhorse Gila has seen a 20% increase in just a few days, despite massive supplies, while the Stratios, Ishtar, Deimos, Sacrilege, and others are hinting at significant gains. Experts project that the Stratios, for example, may approach 300M ISK over the next few days. PLEX prices will surely follow, leading to an increase in players buying PLEX with RL cash in order to fund their spaceship-losing habits, and yet another round of drinks for the CCP staff.
As for Rixx? He remains EVE’s biggest fan, and is ramping up for Steel City EVE III. He’s free to be a PITA (Pirate In The Afternoons) now, no longer slaving away for an unthankful CCP, and free to speak his mind. We may never see an EVE card game, but at least there’s one more pirate undocking to shoot fellow nerds in the face, and that’s what really matters.
* Hilmar Veigar is no relation to Tiny Master of Evil, Veigar. Any similarities such as an endless fascination for the mysteries of the universe,a shared icelandic name heritage, and a determination to be perceived as evil despite a non-threatening and even vaguely cute exterior are entirely coincidental.
For the life of me I can’t tell if this is satire or not.