With CSM elections looming, candidates are out pressing palms and making promises. The theme for this year is FIGHT FOR HUMANS with the idea being that we eradicate the bots from the game.
Recently, Gobbins held a Town Hall where any question could be asked. Predictably, the question of what to do about Goonswarm and their bots was raised. Gobbins did not hesitate.
“We will be building a wall around Delve!”
Uncomfortably, discussion ground to a halt.
“Couldn’t they just fly around it?”
“NEXT QUESTION!”
We caught up with Gobbins after the Town Hall to get a bit more information about this “wall”. He gladly set aside 60 minutes for us! Obviously this was a clever metaphor for guerilla tactics. We wanted to know how they would hem the Goons in and make their lives miserable. We wanted to know what exploits, mechanics, or clever use of the new Triglavian ships would be employed.
“No, literally, we will build a wall in front of each regional gate. They’ll never see it coming. They’ll be completely unprepared. They will be entirely at our mercy!”
59 minutes stared us mercilessly in the face.
“Right, so, uh,” we haltingly continued, as professional journalism leaked pitifully from our discomfort, “so you’ll be bubbling the gates heavily and watching the map for cynos trying to get around them?”
“What is it about ‘wall’ you’re having trouble with here? When you fly missions in EVE, there are structures that include wall components. If it’s good enough for the NPCs, it’s good enough for us. We will re-purpose those components to put them around Delve!”
We hoped checking our smart watches wasn’t too obvious, nor the dumb looks of dismay the indication of 58 minutes produced.
It was then that reports started coming in about EVE servers trying to die as gates stopped working, entosis links spun like a ship in a station, and drones went haywire.
“I’m really sorry to do this to you guys but…”
We figure his ears popped by the sudden vacuum caused by our exit.
We rallied back at EVE Onion HQ to put our heads together and figure out what just happened. It occurred to us that we needed to look at this from the other side. Some strings were pulled and we had another 60 minutes from The Mittani himself.
We outlined Gobbins’ plan, surprisingly with a straight face through most of the presentation. We made it as clear as possible that we were talking about a traditional structure, so high, that wrapped all the way around a regional gate. We asked The Mittani what he thought of this plan. His gaze scrutinized our details. It was like he was reading our minds, poring over the outline, tasting each revealed morsel. He finally tented his fingers on the table, his other hand lazily pointing a finger at us.
“You’re serious…”
Well, at least we only had 56 more minutes this time. We never really factored in just how embarrassing this might be. The Mittani leaned back in his chair and tapped his cheek.
“Clever bastard!” he hissed with absent, quiet intensity.
Uh oh…
“Where in the universe would he source that much wall?”
We couldn’t help but look at each other, wondering where the cameras were, whether Rod Serling would appear from the shadows.
“It doesn’t matter!”
We just about jumped out of our promotional skins.
“When he whips it out, I will throw everything I have at it. I will pound it and POUND IT until he begs me to stop. And then I will POUND IT SOME MORE! If it’s election promises you want, I promise to pound Gobbins until he is left gasping at the Gates of Delve!”
We slowly closed our notebooks, making no sudden moves, and wondered what exactly we were going to tell EVE Onion HQ.
Sometimes, there just are no stories.
