Bolstered by the recent successful eviction of Mouth Trumpet Cavalry, a press statement issued today by the leadership of known wormhole landlords Inner Hell announced another successful eviction, this time of the EVE Online “Tranquility” server, known colloquially as “TQ”. The press briefing, which was delivered to the offices of EVE Onion News tied to a brick and launched, presumably from a 720mm Artillery Cannon, describes the “…heroic actions of our brave pilots against the threat of the EVE servers Блять.”
A representative of Inner Hell, clad only in jogging pants and a red headband, and sweating profusely, appeared before the media today in a televised briefing. After taking seventeen entire minutes to compose himself and finish six beers, the spokesman―whose name could not be understood—ranted at length about how the assembled press could “kiss my dummy thick ass.” He then went on to call the Tranquility server a “bitch”, loudly and repeatedly, for an additional fourteen straight minutes while occasionally interjecting insults directed at the server’s mother, grandmother, and country of origin.
The remainder of the press conference consisted of the representative firing a live automatic rifle into the sky and laughing wildly. While leaving the stage, the representative notably stumbled, dropped a CCP-branded bag spilling over with €500 notes, threw a handful at the front row of reporters, punched a member of event security, jumped into an Ikitursa and flew away.
When asked for comment about the incident, CCP released the following statement:
CCP Games does not explicitly promote the eviction carried out by Inner Hell against the Tranquility server. The server is a vital resource that provides an important function for many players—specifically, the ability to play the game. The suggestion that we would ever purposefully allow members of a capsuleer organization into our offices in order to wheel the server out the door in order to toss it into the sea because we don’t want to deal with the ongoing PR nightmare of having our primary game server offline’d indefinitely by a recently banned and foaming-at-the-mouth troglodyte with a bot network is obviously ludicrous and, in our personal opinion, truly laughable.
The Tranquility server could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the server indicate that it has moved into a C2 pulsar in order to reorganize and take stock of its remaining assets.
