In a bid to bolster efforts to attract and retain their audience after the release of BATTLETECH, and after failing in their bid to purchase EVE Onion, Imperium News Network launches into satire. Paramemetic’s 2018.05.15 article, PANDEMIC LEGION STRATEGICALLY ADVANCES OUT OF PROVIDENCE marks the next step in The Mittani’s effort to dominate EVE media at all costs.
Clearly under editorial pressure to emulate EVE Onion’s inimitable style, Paramemetic presents the Pandemic Legion evacuation as engaging in a “rapid strategic re-deployment to a yet-unknown, certainly unfortunate region of space.” The INN writer goes on to attempt satire, stating “PL’s PVP skills truly shined, as they expertly avoided not only any confrontation they couldn’t win, but even some confrontations they could have.”
Rumor has it EVE Onion authors, appreciative of Paramemetic’s efforts, began pressuring OpusMagnum to either immediately recruit Paramemetic away from INN, or use EVE Onion’s bottomless coffers of unassailable wealth to buy out INN. “That’s OUR article. Paramemetic just published it to the wrong outlet,” one writer whined. “INN is already a parody of real news; if they start publishing parody of parody, the Inception-like recursion may cause the universe to collapse,” another tinfoiled.
Sadly, some INN readers seemed oblivious to Paramemetic’s genius. Comments from those with insufficient INT implants responded with such pithy gems as, “You truly understand how to grasp two large journalism b***s and stroke the PL s***t.” Others were more appreciative, taking time to comment positively after they recovered from side-splitting laughter, and cleaned up the coffee they spewed all over their expensive mechanical keyboards.
Ever the diplomat, Opus took a conciliatory approach, reportedly comforting his disturbed staff with a cat GIF, then promised that competitors in the parody and satire market are more than welcome, and only serve to stoke the flames of passion for quality content among our highly discerning readership. Senior management was similarly encouraging: “You’re three article behind,” said Editor-in-Chief, Lillik Eoner, “make the overlords happy and submit.”
Thank you kindly! I am honored and truly grateful for EveOnion’s recognition of my continued commitment to truthful and unbiased reporting. I’m not sure, because we get all our assignments through one-time pads, but I think the editorial board initially wanted me to write terrible slander about PL “evacuating Providence.” I’ll admit, I thought about it; the only thing I love more than good, honest journalism is the State, after all, but this time I just felt the real story had to get out. Being recognized on a prestigious purveyor of unbiased reporting like EveOnion just confirms I did the right thing.
I’m flattered you’d consider me for your elite team, and you can contact me about that on INN Discord, but I must admit it’s unlikely – INN is like my family. The editor in chief is always telling me she wants me to see her as “like [a] Big Brother.”