CCP Proud To Announce “Space Diversity” Tool

Himlar Veigar Petursson took to the stage during Fanfest to proudly recall most of his 20 years working on EVE Online, during a six hour presentation in front of a cloth screen, but made special mention of his latest “And greatest!” contribution to the sprawling space epic. A system of charts, checks and balances he has dubbed “The Space Diversity Tool.”

Himlar went on to explain just what it does all while gesticulating wildly at the clearly awe-struck crowd, which made it difficult to make out just what he was saying through his thick Icelandic accent. What could be surmised is that this radical, game-changing tool would be immediately put to use “correcting grievous missteps” in the past regarding “how fleets present themselves” as well as “awareness of problematic compositions.” 

Examples were shown, some more offensive than others, but all in service to further Himlar’s point that something needs to change. According to him, this is already taking place and has been behind the scenes for some time now.

“I didn’t let staff play the game they work on, discuss and develop 8 hours a day 5 days a week because I wasn’t willing to let Kotaku or [fine, upstanding publishing by media such as The Eve Onion, the Galaxy’s Finest News Source] say that we, the developers and caretakers of this vast and obscenely complex world, where toolin’ around in, I hate to say it, Minimtar Hurricanes.” A slide was then shown on the dimly-lit overhead projector, leaving the crowd wondering just why the self-dubbed “cutting edge” studio would use technology straight from the 1990’s. On it was clearly displayed a ship, called The Hurricane by those who partake in Eve Online: The Second Genesis. Beside it was a graph detailing in immense detail just how unmistakably phallic it was, contrasted sharply by the racially insensitive coloration of the hull. What did all of this mean? Himlar was immediate and to the point – Using an extending wand, a metal pointer, he rhythmically beat upon the fabric of the  projector screen which shimmered and shook as if a violent wind had gripped it. No, it was no wind, but just how riled Himlar had become at the mere sight of this masculine, weaponized obelisk. 

“For too long we’ve been held back by this kind of outdated, insensitive and perhaps even hateful content. This isn’t player designed, this isn’t even something players have control over – when this appears on your screen, it’s already too late. And what about twenty? Fifty? Fifty ships at once in your face and they all look like the male genitals?” Himlar was practically out of breath by this point, but the movement of the crowd showed that clear interest in what he was saying. A sharp inhale later and Himlar was off to the races, going on to further explain that “This, this lady and gentlemen” (In respect to the female in the crowd) “Is why players only give [Eve Online, The Second Genesis] fifteen minutes, tops, before quitting. It’s disgusting, and I am personally apologizing to every man, woman and child who has had to put up with ships that are not heavily tested beforehand using intense focus-group sessions before being curated extensively by upper management and in full regard to sterile fact checkers of every race, creed and colour before arriving upon my desk for approval, so I can send it off to our parent company in Korea.”

Examples flowed one after the other, all receiving roars from the crowd with what I could only assume was approval. “The Rifter” was worthy of a pause. Himlar went on to highlight all the various odds and ends about its design, including a few things that not even I had considered when I first glanced at its unique chariot-esque shape. Most of which is too offensive to be detailed here. 

I am no expert but perhaps with a newly-awoken Himlar at the helm of CCP, he can turn this ship around.