As a wise man once said, “It is the nature of time, that the old ways must give in. When the new meets the old, the ancient ways must always end.” If recent events tell us anything, is that old ways also go out in a blaze of glory. As fleet-based PvP has become the new, accepted norm, the empires of New Eden have begun assimilating or eliminating any who do not conform to this new structure.

Beginning as a mass gathering of solo players in the system of Hama, in the Domain region, just two systems away from Amarr. This led to anger from those who have long claimed that solo PvP is the best, most pure form of PvP. Two particularly outspoken solo players—Taka and Shin—rallying solo players together to, in their words, “1v1 the galaxy.”

The following events will be retold as best as possible; however, history is always written by the victor, and we have no other sources with which to obtain the facts.

A surprising joint effort between CONCORD and the Imperial Amarr Navy—which was supplemented by capsuleers from across the galaxy—formed a massive, three-thousand strong fleet. As CONCORD Captain Jake Thompson reported: “We were going to let them continue their protests. Everyone grew tired of their constant demands for 1v1’s at the star. So we decided to act.”

CONCORD then proceeded to shut down the stations of Hama, forcing the solo players out into the open. Outnumbered six to one, the solo players’ numbers began to quickly dwindle, as they all were hectically scrambling to find an avenue of escape. Taka, the impromptu leader of the solo players, broadcast a message to rally at the low-security system of Sieh, where Taka had an unfueled Fortizar placed.

The eight systems between Hama and Sieh were littered with the wreckage of the solo players as they made their best effort to retreat, however many foolishly charged the fleets in order to die bravely, with a “good fight” on their lips, as their code of honor dictates. Taka, the leader of the solo players, had his ship, a bling-fit Ashimmu, severely damaged along the way. Unable to repair his ship, and unable to provide a good fight, he self-destructed his ship. Before he did the same with his capsule, he ordered his friend Shin to dispose of his corpse so that it might not be desecrated. Shin scooped his former comrades frozen corpse to his cargo hold, before jettisoning it on a direct collision course with the star of the system, insuring Taka’s wishes were granted.

Rallying around the temporarily fueled Fortizar—named Shiroyama—Taka, and the remaining thirty-nine solo players dug-in and prepared for the worst. CONCORD’s fleet was reduced in numbers, due to their inability to traverse low-security space. However, there were only forty solo players remaining, while the Imperial/capsuleer fleet was still twenty-four hundred strong.

Outnumbering the solo players sixty to one, the fleet was confident of their victory, began to fortify the system, insuring none could escape. The sole gate leaving the system was guarded by a dozen instant-locking Loki cruisers, and an equal number of speedy Machariel battleships, in order to bump away any stragglers.

The beginning of the end occurred when the leader of the fleet offered a chance for surrender. This, of course, was perceived as an insult to the solo players, violating their very sense of being as an independent fighter. After a quick strategy discussion, each solo player calling out who they will target, in order to prevent any 2v1’s from occurring. They then un-docked and began their final, suicidal charge into the fleet. Initially the tactic seemed to work; though many of the fleet pilots were not used to engaging an enemy directly, the logistics pilots especially.  However, due to sheer weight of numbers, the fleet decimated the remaining solo players. The only thing remaining of the solo PvP culture was the wreckage of their blingy ships, and the chants of “good fight” before they succumbed to their fate.

One week after the fighting was over, the leaders of New Eden posthumously pardoned the actions of the solo players. “They may have been annoying and stuck in their ways, but most of them weren’t that bad.” Pomik Haromi, regent of the Amarr empire was quoted in saying.  This final act and statement was the closing to one of many bloody chapters of the New Eden history books. As we look to the future, we may find ourselves thinking; when will our ways become the ways of old?

Not long after CONCORD revealed their new revolver-shaped line of ships did the bidding start on the old rusty-tool shaped line of ships. Private collectors from every corner of known space—and even parts unknown—flocked to Jita placing bids on every single scrap of dented metal CONCORD paraded on by enroute to the galactic junkyard in Delve.

Being wary of the sensibilities of the Caldari, CONCORD universally declared that all previous-generation hulls are up for grabs and winner takes all. Thus, thirty million rusty pipe shaped ships went right into Entity’s collection, sparing pirates everywhere the double-agony of being shot at by something that looks like it escaped an N64 game or a Texas Instruments calculator. Unfortunately this also means that, yes, these ancient hulls are more like finely-aged wines and still exist somewhere. One can only hope they’re boxed away in storage containers within Jita’s endlessly deep caverns, never to undock again or be seen outside of 2003 strategy guide covers.

Something curious to note is that the decommissioned CONCORD line of ships actually have half the fitting slots of the new, much more pointy CONCORD ships, meaning the police force of the galaxy has effectively doubled its idle firepower. Itching to pull the trigger on a ship that looks like a weapon itself, the new Marshal Battleship houses not six, but sixteen high-powered turrets of any caliber and size.

EVE Onion writers nearly rioted on Discord (https://discord.me/eveonion) on the very day of EVE Onion’s first birthday, after management refused to make the Discord and Twitter (https://twitter.com/eveonionnews) more prominently accessible. “I had the Discord link in the footer, but bots spam those things, so I moved it to the Contact page,” Opus Magnum replied, reasonably.

It all started innocently enough, with <redacted> proposing a Discord button on the website header or footer. “Interaction with your audience is a good way to retain fans,” the author opined, pretending to know something about PR and business in general.

Things escalated quickly to “I say we riot,” after the heavy jack boot of management came down, quashing the suggestion. The threatened riot failed to materialize, however, as EVE Onion staff became distracted by the word “riot,” and went off on a tangent discussing the MOBA League of Legends, which all denied playing.

Acting quickly, the editor responded to <redacted>’s request for a Discord link by consulting with the Chief Jackboot Wielder, Opus Magnum. The elitist leadership deciding to enable comments on the site Soon (™). “Be careful of what you wish for,” the editor announced ominously. “I didn’t ask for comments on the site, I asked for a link to Discord,” <redacted> replied tearfully.

Announcing nearly five common-sense regulations for staff engagement via EVE Onion official media interfaces, Opus Magnum responded quickly to <redacted>’s suggestion that perhaps a whistleblower should write an article suggesting “working conditions are awful…I don’t even get paid.” “I’m freakin Stalin,” Opus Magnum preened, marching back and forth across the Discord. “I will be loved and hated all at the same time. EVE Onion is a unionized BDSM dungeon for writers. I’m sure I am making my momma proud to have started such a place.”

Momma Magnum was not available for comment, even in light of https://twitter.com/EVEOnionNews having achieved a full year of regular activity, and enjoying unassailable pocket change as a result of contributions via RMT facilitator Patreon, and tens of thousands of ISK supporters have sent in-game to “EVE Onion News.”

Today may just go down in EVE online history as the most brutal betrayal of all time. And as of this moment, no one is more at risk of losing their heads, or hands, than the illusive Mittani.

Like a thief in the night, the declaration of war came down the chain of command and caused every fleet commander in EVE’s largest alliance to rattle their sabres and clench their teeth in anticipation. “Gentlemen”, I heard over the notably aging Ventrilo channel the Goons have continuously run since 2006, “We’re going to war.” This was nothing new to Goonfleet, as any new member is effectively trained in a “constant war” doctrine that mainly involves teammates shooting you to send you home faster.

The clamor had begun. Small, timid voices piping up over the sound of burly space mercenaries of all different languages. Was it Klingon I heard in grunting, dislocated whispers? I wouldn’t find out because the channel was soon muted by the swift action of command. “Gentlemen” was repeated, the entire scene playing itself over again as if by script, but this time without the constant chatter and Duke Nukem soundboard spam to overlap the commander’s voice. He continued: “These people, they’re more comparable to animals than true men.” The sound of a water bottle being thrown caught my attention. Hard day at the office, perhaps.

“For years they’ve sat on their forum, upvoting themselves and babbling on in their stupid inside jokes. Cranking out propaganda and declaring themselves the bad boys.” he stammered, quickly correcting himself with a momentary pause. “Bad guys of space.” A quiet chorus of “yeah” came from the industry overseers who had unmuted themselves with their admin powers and only served to sound like mafia yes-men in the grand scheme. “So it’s off to war. We’ll move dreads, we’ll move supers, we’ll do whatever it takes.” was the jist of the speech that followed, mainly involving about thirty minutes of details involving logistics, moon mining operations and potential fleet movements. Considering the sizable crowd gathered in the ancient VOIP channel, I wasn’t able to gauge people’s reactions with everyone muted.

On and on the speech went, livestreamed on both Twitch and Youtube on three different channels (including Español) as well as via Soundcloud in condensed, easy-to-digest snippets, or HD if you opted for the Premium Goon Bundle (available on their website for $13.99 USD, 499 Plex via jetcan transfer or 1.63 bil ISK)

We finally reached the end of the three hour announcement as it was increasingly clear the gathered Goons where growing anxious. The big reveal. The target. Dogs of war frothing at the mouth, chomping on the bit, ready to let loose hell itself. The Mittani did not comment as he was on a two week vacation at the time his fleet commanders opened fire on each other.

Looking back, Goonswarm Federation vs Goonswarm Federation would turn out to be the biggest spectacle of the entire year and generate untold trillions of ISK for the industry backbone of New Eden.

Today marks a turning point for the empires. A much more valuable ore was discovered on the planet Pandora V: Unobtainium.

For over a decade, all space-faring races have had to resort to transparent aluminium for the windows and view screens of their vessels. This is no longer the case, as Unobtainium in its rawest form not only has ten times the durability, but a much cleaner, neater tint. Imagine this: Pilots may soon be visible inside their pod or even in their ships. You’ll soon be able to see within your stations and watch the meager civilians of the galaxy scurry about, or amuse themselves by staring out the windows watching others ganking each other in Jita.

When faced with the news that CCP would actually have to design and re-model ships around this new discovery, it was quietly announced that Unobtainium would have to go through “a few balance passes for review”, and most likely would result in nothing being changed at all.

Until CCP decides how to handle the revolutionary discovery, the planet and its system are in good hands and under careful 24/7 policing by the Goonswarm Federation, which has promised—after forcefully relocating the locals with clever use of duplicate avatars and a massive fleet presence—to let no one near.

Resource Wars launches October 26 launched regardless of the value of the ore, though rumor has it the materials collected by these operations won’t be of any use at all to players now that Unobtainium is available, or perhaps unavailable.

Coming next spring, Capsuleers on-the-go can engage in the exciting world of EVE Online from their favorite mobile device. In a bold move, CCP is announcing a brand new platform for their flagship title, that in the past was primarily aimed at the PC gaming crowd.

“It’s a new era out there,” CCP Falcon said in today’s press release. “We can’t survive as a company by catering to the original fans, we need a new generation of gamers to bite the hook of EVE Online.” The title of this cutting-edge smartphone app is reported to be “Nullsec Strike”. Players will have the option to mine for valuable ores in a game mode suspiciously similar to “Candy Crush Saga”. By lining up three or more minerals, you can collect a maximum cargo hold allotment for the day, before your ship has to travel back home to drop it off.

For a small micro-transaction fee of $.99 USD, players can ask for assistance from a friendly hauling ship to carry their ore back to base while they continue swiping through belts of asteroids. CCP Phantom mentioned that some mobile pilots would be able to unlock “ganking ships”, which can hunt down and destroy players who are happy to only play the mining puzzle game. Several optional combat modules are available to upgrade the ganking ship, for only $2.99 USD apiece.

A trusted source informs us that plans are underway to let players organize into “fleets”, where they can support each other’s efforts either in gathering minerals, or in ganking the miners. CCP is aware that the mobile platform market has many casual gamers, who may be frustrated at the concept of another player interrupting their experience, and so they will offer an optional “mining permit” for only $14.99 USD, which will offer immunity to ganks for at least one month.

Nullsec Strike will be available in the Google Play Store, and the iPhone App Store for download the first quarter of 2018. It is expected to cost approximately $24.99 USD, but can be downloaded to multiple phones per user.

Jita IV, Moon IV, Caldari Navy Assembly Plant

Apparently, the art of the scam is alive and well in Jita, and is thriving. It is expected to completely overwhelm the region in the upcoming years. A team of economists, scientists, and industrial experts calling themselves the World Trade Federation recently convened, announcing some startling findings.

According to Dave Johnson, Head of the WTF, the amount of fraudulent trade contracts produced in and around The Forge region are beginning to exceed the amount of legitimate contracts issued. He warns that if this trend continues, in less than twenty years there will be no legitimate contracts remaining.

Phil Erikson, speaking on behalf of the Sisters of Eve, raises an equally important, albeit completely different concern: Due to rapid increases in contract creation, the central processing systems within The Forge are being overwhelmed with data flow. If the projected contract traffic remains the same, or increases, a total system failure may be imminent. He admits the hardware used to filter and sort contracts are dated, and lack the computational power necessary to handle such a workload.

Erikson wasn’t supposed to speak on the subject of the dated hardware used, but now that the topic was out there, the attending press had many burning questions to ask. One that was answered was “Is our contract data secure? What if this hardware failure occurs, will we lose our investments?”  The WTF representatives all seemed to agree that our information would be secure, as it is slowly being backed up, however they cannot promise a 100% retain. This received many murmurs and concerned looks from those attending.

After a brief recess, the meeting resumed, this time focusing on the impact this trend would have on the market. “Invest in local retailers, do not do any trading via contract or third parties,” advises Clark Douglas, CEO of Vital Veldspar, a local mining supply company. “The way things look, contracts will soon become completely volatile and unreliable. If it looks too good to be true, it is.” When questioned on whether or not he advised investing in local business because he owned one, Mr Douglas kindly told the reporter to, “Get the hell out of here!”

While I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I, as an ever vigilant reporter of the Eve Onion, must bring this to you, fellow Capsuleers. It is a shame this wholesome, trustworthy world is taking such a dark spiral. Why, I remember when you didn’t even have to view the contents of a contract, and could just buy it outright, and know what you’ll receive in return. You could keep your ship parked with the keys in it and it wouldn’t get lifted, either. Those were the days.

“This is how every great story begins”, says a new player mining Veldspar in a 1.0 security system, a few hours into his Eve Online trek and well after he’s saved the universe from what appeared to be a sleeper drone invasion fleet, thus becoming not only the hero of an entire race, but an immortal space-faring pod-pilot in the same stroke.

ONE OF MILLIONS

He had seen a fancy youtube video explaining that, yes, you too are a valuable contribution to the living, thriving universe of New Eden—one of millions of shots made per day, one of trillions of m3 ore mined, and with December’s much hyped update looming on the horizon, today was the best time to start playing Eve Online.

Somewhat bitter at having to die in the tutorial, he was given a Venture by the kindly and mysterious AURA robot who continued to instruct him to press Help and talk to a support agent of some kind a few jumps away. Seeing no reason in actually doing such a thing after having lost his Scientist and Survivors in the final blast that sealed his fate as an immortal space-faring god, he’s left with no real option but to using the Civilian Mining Lasers he had gotten from AURA telling him to strip and trash his corvette.

None of this was readily apparent to anyone until an outburst happened in local. I was, by coincidence, traveling to Jita at the time to monitor the market manipulation of Clear Icicles by two barons who will remain nameless.

TROUBLE IN SAFE SPACE

“Can we do something about these bots?”, the rookie flashed across local. “Every time I find an asteroid belt to mine in, they warp in  and eat up the entire field.” Obviously, this rookie needed some help as he was two jumps from the nearest “protected” rookie area; multiple pilots soon came to offer some unique guidance—mainly in the form of casual griefing. EVE players are well known for welcoming new players, or as most people would call it, hazing.

Out here in the wilds of 1.0 space he would find nothing but trouble: A Thrasher was attempting to bump our Venture-clad new-blood miner while a Merlin was trying to bait him with jetcans. Undaunted, he continued to mine 5 units of veldspar at a time for hours more.

ESCAPE FROM NEW CALDARI

Despite the constant harassment (or as some would say, competition), he was able to fill multiple holds of Veldspar and make the four jump trek to Jita, a region that appeared to have the best prices and most buy orders. Netting himself a well-earned payout for filling his Badger, he was soon returning to the nearby field to resume his digital work.

Eventually interest waned and he had started practicing alt-tabbing to mine while playing other games—a critical skill in the vast world of EVE Online. As of writing a few days later, the rookie had forgotten to log back on and probably would not be seen again in New Eden as Overwatch was more fun.