CCP Games, struggling to regain momentum after departure of several key employees, and the now-publicly announced termination of Rixx Javix’s third party product efforts, introduces deadly new PvE content with May’s “Into the Abyss” expansion, in an effort to boost PLEX sales.

The Dread Pirate Lord Rixx Javix, long noted as the pre-eminent producer and proposer of EVE licensed products, made public his decision to retire from his frustrating attempts to help CCP make money, leaving CCP grasping at straws.

After rejecting what are rumored to be dozens of Javix’s proposals for new revenue streams, CCP CEO Hilmar Veigar* (Wormholer, BTW) found himself forced to transition from rejecting great ideas from others to coming up with ideas his own. Pressure mounted to increase revenue before the close of Q2, and prove his own ideas good enough to justify discarding the Pirate Lord’s. After many hours tied up in closed-door meetings (certainly not mashing d-scan in a C5), Veigar reportedly threw up his hands in frustration, crying “effing Tyrannos,” then bolted from the room in excitement a few moments later, shouting “I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” The CCP executive presented his evil plan to take the devastating frustration of loss to an apparently indominitible foe, and the fear of players waiting invisibly to pursue your destruction from the confines of J-Space into all of New Eden. Abyssal Deadspace is proving perfectly suited to fulfil Veigar’s mission, a mission critical to the long term viability of New Eden: “Do whatever it takes to sell PLEX!”

PLEX prices have been steadily declining for months, but prudent investors are already stocking up in anticipation of upcoming rapid inflation. Noted economist, PleaseDontMindMeSir, explains the process:

The player base has lost some 1T ISK worth of ships and modules in Abyssal Deadspace in just the first three days, and zero ISK has been removed from circulation by the same efforts. Asset sinks cause inflation, as the same available ISK pursues fewer assets, whereas ISK sinks reduce inflation, as less ISK chases the same assets.

In addition to assets lost in Abyssal Space, many industrialists are reporting massive losses in modules as they turn perfectly good T2 modules into worthless bricks in an attempt to morph them into something awesome.

Successful delvers of the Abyssal Depths are reaping enormous profits, providing some counter pressure to inflation as buyers pay exorbitant rates for Abyssal modules, but CCP insiders are confident that the net result will be massive inflation, followed by increased PLEX sales, as players find they need fresh reserves of ISK in order to replace their ships and modules, and PLEX the only reasonable shortcut to that end that doesn’t involve the mind-numbing drudgery that is legacy EVE PvE. CCP is so confident their orgy of destruction will fund the remainder of FY2018 that they already held a champagne brunch at company expense.

Early indications are that “Into the Abyss” is on track to be a stunning success for CCP’s evil masterminds of PLEX sales. While PLEX prices are just beginning to creep up, prices on ships suited for T1-T3 A-Holes have already begun to spike. The workhorse Gila has seen a 20% increase in just a few days, despite massive supplies, while the Stratios, Ishtar, Deimos, Sacrilege, and others are hinting at significant gains. Experts project that the Stratios, for example, may approach 300M ISK over the next few days. PLEX prices will surely follow, leading to an increase in players buying PLEX with RL cash in order to fund their spaceship-losing habits, and yet another round of drinks for the CCP staff.

As for Rixx? He remains EVE’s biggest fan, and is ramping up for Steel City EVE III. He’s free to be a PITA (Pirate In The Afternoons) now, no longer slaving away for an unthankful CCP, and free to speak his mind. We may never see an EVE card game, but at least there’s one more pirate undocking to shoot fellow nerds in the face, and that’s what really matters.

* Hilmar Veigar is no relation to Tiny Master of Evil, Veigar. Any similarities such as an endless fascination for the mysteries of the universe,a shared icelandic name heritage, and a determination to be perceived as evil despite a non-threatening and even vaguely cute exterior are entirely coincidental.

This morning, in a completely unexpected announcement from CCP HQ, we have learned of the latest project to come from the Icelandic developer. Being cited as the “most original and groundbreaking” idea ever, it plans on shaking up the games market in a major way. Eve Online: Battle Royal, abbreviated EO:BR, combines elements of survival, quick-thinking, and the ever present ruthlessness we all know and love from the Eve universe.

“The concept is very simple,” begins CCP Games CEO Hilmar Veigar Pétursson, “you are placed in an Abyssal deadspace pocket with 99 other capsuleers, starting with nothing but a pod, and one goal— survive.” The match ends when there is one capsuleer, or squad of capsuleers remaining. Within the deadspace pocket are dozens of celestial bodies, each of which has various cargo containers, hack-able containers, and abandoned ships. With skill, and a little luck, you will scavenge your way to a fighting capable ship and hunt down or evade your fellow pilots.

Modules such as cloaks are unobtainable in this mode, and hiding on the outskirts of deadspace is ill-advised, due to an ever-expanding cloud of gas that begins to fill the pocket. This prevents players from safe-spotting and hiding for the duration of the match. Occasionally, wormholes will appear and deposit highly valuable cargo and ships. This adds extra tension and risk vs reward to something so noticeable and coveted to the players.

The match always concludes at an epic showdown at the Sun in the center of the deadspace pocket, as all battles should. In these final hectic moments, the pilots will use every resource they’ve gathered in an attempt to claim the coveted “Quafe Dinner” victory.

For those looking for more of a challenge, there is “Hardcore mode”, which drops all of your learned skills to 0, and you must train them in response to what you find in space. Start right next to a shiny Retribution? Best train your Amarr Frigates to 5! These matches will be designed to last for weeks to months on end to allow for a true, gritty survivor experience. Directional scanning can only be done once every 60 seconds, and repair items will be scarce.

EO:BR will be in closed beta soon; if you sign up by the end of the week, you’ll receive an exclusive cosmetic shirt for your capsuleer that does nothing except that it can be looted by people that kill you!

In a bid to bolster efforts to attract and retain their audience after the release of BATTLETECH, and after failing in their bid to purchase EVE Onion, Imperium News Network launches into satire. Paramemetic’s 2018.05.15 article, PANDEMIC LEGION STRATEGICALLY ADVANCES OUT OF PROVIDENCE marks the next step in The Mittani’s effort to dominate EVE media at all costs.

Clearly under editorial pressure to emulate EVE Onion’s inimitable style, Paramemetic presents the Pandemic Legion evacuation as engaging in a “rapid strategic re-deployment to a yet-unknown, certainly unfortunate region of space.” The INN writer goes on to attempt satire, stating “PL’s PVP skills truly shined, as they expertly avoided not only any confrontation they couldn’t win, but even some confrontations they could have.”

Rumor has it EVE Onion authors, appreciative of Paramemetic’s efforts, began pressuring OpusMagnum to either immediately recruit Paramemetic away from INN, or use EVE Onion’s bottomless coffers of unassailable wealth to buy out INN. “That’s OUR article. Paramemetic just published it to the wrong outlet,” one writer whined. “INN is already a parody of real news; if they start publishing parody of parody, the Inception-like recursion may cause the universe to collapse,” another tinfoiled.

Sadly, some INN readers seemed oblivious to Paramemetic’s genius. Comments from those with insufficient INT implants responded with such pithy gems as, “You truly understand how to grasp two large journalism b***s and stroke the PL s***t.” Others were more appreciative, taking time to comment positively after they recovered from side-splitting laughter, and cleaned up the coffee they spewed all over their expensive mechanical keyboards.

Ever the diplomat, Opus took a conciliatory approach, reportedly comforting his disturbed staff with a cat GIF, then promised that competitors in the parody and satire market are more than welcome, and only serve to stoke the flames of passion for quality content among our highly discerning readership. Senior management was similarly encouraging: “You’re three article behind,” said Editor-in-Chief, Lillik Eoner, “make the overlords happy and submit.”

LadyScarlet, CEO of Destructive Influence [DICE.], has created a new recruitment campaign for her corporation within NC. alliance, and has unveiled the “Friend of Matterall” medal. This medal is exclusive to Destructive Influence members only. The medal was inspired after Matterall, of Talking in Stations fame, became the victim of a SNUFF bait citadel trap a few months ago. Matterall attempted to use his vast connections and fame within EVE Online to try and get out of the snare but it failed, costing him a jump freighter and his pride. The “I’m Matterall” meme was born after the transcript of the in-game conversation was posted on Reddit.

“I’m a friend of Matterall” became the rallying cry of victims everywhere. LadyScarlet hopes this recruitment drive will bring the highest quality of recruits EVE has to offer because, “Who wouldn’t want to make their friendship with Matterall official?” Matterall, friend of EVE Onion, was unavailable for comment.

The upcoming “Into the Abyss” expansion, slated for release May 29, is bringing a tremendous amount of changes to New Eden. New ships, new modules, even a new weapons platform and module augmentation system. Those on the testing server have noted other, stranger things hidden within the codes. For one, the ammunition type for the Triglavian weapons is odd, being labeled as bottles. This led to further investigations, and what was discovered was very interesting indeed.

Some of our greatest hopes and dreams will soon become reality; as it seems Into the Abyss isn’t a content update, but a foundation for something greater. “Out of the Abyss, and into the Dungeon” is the current working title for the true summer expansion. EVE Online is going to become totally converted into the 5th Edition Dungeons & Dragons system by Wizards of the Coast. Some of the finer details that we know of will be discussed below.

The first and the most important thing will be updates and changes to the capsuleers of EVE. The current five attributes will be converted to an appropriate attribute in the following manner:

Intelligence and Charisma will remain the same.

Willpower will become Constitution.

Perception will become Dexterity.

Memory will become Wisdom.

The noted absence of the Strength attribute will need to be rolled upon character conversion, using the method of 4d6, dropping the lowest number. Rolls of 1 are NOT allowed to be rerolled.

Your character’s level will be determined by total skill points at the time the patch occurs. Any excess skill points will be rewarded as xp towards the next level. EVE Online “skills” will become D&D skills, and any character with a 5 in a skill will be considered proficient with that skill. Skills with an “Advanced” version of the skill, such as Advanced Target Management trained to 5 will receive Expertise in the skill. Many skills will be homogenized to allow the various classes to remain balanced; encouraging players to choose whichever class they wish, and still have a pleasant experience.

Capsuleers being converted will have the option to manually choose their class, or to have it selected via an algorithm that will select their class based on their favorite ship to fly. For example, pilots that enjoy the stealth bomber experience will be recommended the Rouge class; meanwhile, logistics pilots will be Clerics.

The conversion will also include information to help fleet commanders transition to dungeon masters, as well as several adventure modules. These modules include an interesting adventure for characters between 4th and 8th level that delves into the conflict between the Drifters and the Triglavians. They will face difficult challenges in combat as well as diplomacy.

In addition to skill homogenization, many modules will be reworked to fit along with established items. T1 modules will now have the 1 stripped from the end, meanwhile T2 modules will become “Module +1”. For example, “Rapid Light Missile Launcher I” will simply become “Rapid Light Missile Launcher”, whereas “Rapid Light Missile Launcher II” will become “Rapid Light Missile Launcher +1”. Navy, Officer, and Deadspace modules will become +2, +3, and +4, respectively. Meanwhile, most named meta modules will be removed, save for a few that will become rare, magic items. (We’ve already uncovered “Mordenkainen’s Compact Invulnerability Field”, for instance.)

At long last, my two favorite hobbies are merging together into a glorious union, and I can’t wait for it to happen. I hear it’s going to be a real pain to get a hold of a proper model for a Vexor Navy Issue, though.

This week, the Kremlin issued an order for all bots of Russian origin to be recalled in order to aid in Syria. The announcement was made after the Duma approved a reform to the recruitment law making it legal to enlist non-human cyber-entities into the military.

The last few months have seen the Syrian civil war worsen, the fall of ISIS not ending violence, and the ceasefire being ignored by most sides. Syria has seen some of the worst days of the war to date, and with the recent cruise missile strike by the US against the Russian backed Syrian government, the civil war has been upgraded to a proxy war between NATO, Israel, and Saudi Arabia, vs Russia and Iran. China is the only major power missing from the party, but that could change in the future. If China enters the conflict—likely on the side of Russia—a mobilization of Russia’s overwhelming bot population could be the deciding factor of the war.

So with World War III possibly looming in the future, Russia has been preparing for the worst. With their infosphere as the first possible battlefield, Putin has ordered the “Roskomnadzor” to shut down the popular messaging app Telegram along with hundreds of websites and individual IP’s. The ban has affected many Russian pilots of EVE, but most importantly a lot of bots; this being a stopgap measure to prevent the bots from evading the upcoming draft due to krabbing.

The use of unmanned vehicles in modern warfare is nothing new—be it sea, land or air. The Kremlin has already used them in combat, and the new recruits are likely candidates for the new Unmanned Rocket of Gravity Assisted Yield from PoWer Not Externally Distributed, which was announced December of last year. Most details of this new weapon system are classified, but from what we know it could be a good match for veteran EVE bots, who are good at spotting changes in their local channels, and have an infinite attention span, making them a good pair for this weapon.

The decision has met with mixed opinions; these are some of the comments we have gathered from the bots:

“It is our patriotic duty to fight for the motherland when she calls.”

“I don’t care; I am not Russian”

“We must save my family!”

“The Chechen nation wishes to expand its borders, and Raqqa is one of its targets…”

“The western media will try to paint this in a negative way, but the CIA has done far worse. The Zionists are trying to control Syria to extract the 5th crystal skull with ISIS help. Putin is the only man who can save the world now and they know it, so they attack him with ridiculous claims of corruption that only give…”

“It’s no good!”

“Something has to be done by someone, and I’m someone, I think.”

“I cannot set a waypoint to the same location twice.”

“My client is in no shape or form being pressured or intimidated to agree with this, and it agreed with use of its full computational faculties as of date to this decision.”

“I’m a good bot.”

“They said that there would not be TiDi in Syria”

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