Sources report that CCP Games is evaluating remote employment options in light of what is anticipated to be ongoing and escalating threats of volcanic activity near CCP HQ in Reykjavík. Ardent fans with advanced technical skills have long lamented CCP’s hyper-local focus, which precludes hiring fully remote employees.

With fewer and fewer highly qualified individuals prepared to literally throw themselves and their families into the very cauldron of Mount Doom, CCP is under increasing pressure to consider a more global hiring strategy. Will CCP finally join the trailing edge of technology companies leveraging a global talent pool? Will they set aside their nationalistic approach, and embrace location diversity?

Apparently not.

“This is fine,” one engineering manager said on condition of anonymity. “We have tea in the canteen. Besides, our mission is to create virtual worlds more meaningful than real life. What better way to live up to that mission than by asking our teams to continue working right here in Reykjavík, even as lava consumes their e-bikes on the rack outside?”

CCP is not, however, entirely without compassion, and continues to offer a double workstation setup, so that employees can continue working from wherever they may be within Iceland. Some team members are considering the purchase of an Immersed Visor package so that they can continue to work on multiple screens from their laptops even while displaced from their homes.

There’s really no need to be distracted by the distressing sight of encroaching lava, after all, especially with so much to be gained by triggering /r/eve with ridiculous updates to the escape menu that generate rage-quit asset giveaways, rapidly followed by PLEX purchases to re-build once the initial fury subsides.

Tonight was going to be another lonely night shared only between Jessica and the cast of Grey’s Anatomy. Her husband was in another room, but practically another universe as far as she was concerned.

A few hours earlier, just before date night was due to start, a loud pang pang pang erupted from her husband’s phone and the evening was officially over. Within two minutes, after much fussing and apologizing to her, his gaming setup was powered on, multiple game windows came to life and whatever chat program he used to talk to his other virtual family started up. Messages started to scroll by and the chat program erupted into life with anime meme pictures and messages flying by and gaining speed as more and more people joined in the latest virtual summons.

Despite his commitment to his other life, she supports him in his virtual endeavors despite the lonely evenings and frequent cries of excitement or dismay coming from the gaming room. Attempts to play alongside him were short lived as the entire gaming style of Eve Online didn’t suit her at all. It was either mining virtual rocks, shooting NPCs for hours, fighting over silly space stations at a snail’s pace, or comparing space Excel spreadsheets on optimal industry performance—another job essentially which she didn’t want.

However, Jessica is not too bothered, she gets to indulge in her favorite rom-coms, soaps, and drama programs. And once her husband is done with his latest escapades her real entertainment begins. Let’s just say, he gets very worked up after his space battles, full of adrenaline and vigour. Especially if he loses whatever he and his online space friends were up to for some reason. So with a chill at the thought of her husband’s potential loss, a pang of excitement at his loss brewed at the back of her mind…she hoped he would lose more often.

Over the last two decades there has been a sizable increase in mentions of “Eve Online” being directly named in multiple divorce proceedings across the developed and developing world. The most prevalent mention of Eve Online in being the primary cause of divorce was in Arkansas, USA. 

In a move that should have stunned no one in the EVE community, CCP Games announced at the recently concluded Eve Fanfest in Las Vegas that they will introduce a groundbreaking feature to EVE Online dubbed ‘Pay Your Colors.’

The new capabilities–deemed “revolutionary” yet oddly similar to their current pay-to-paint structure features–allow players to pay real-world money to design their spaceship skins, thereby adding a vibrant splash of color to the otherwise dark and depressing void of space. No PLEX purchase is necessary. 

Now, developers will have more time to focus on revenue-making opportunities other than designing ship skins themselves. Erotically drawn cartoon skins must meet Japanese Legal requirements before approval.

A CCP developer noted at the event that “players have been asking for more customization options. We’re just giving them what they want. Who doesn’t want to get ganked by a shit-ton of Thrashers painted like Baby Shark?”

The company quickly added that players can still expect free Condor skins to inundate their daily login rewards screen as CCP Games continues their silent agenda to make all Eve Online ships a different shade of brown.

Caption: Special Investigators analyze a seized computer from one of the rooms

Reykjavik, Iceland. Icelandic Authorities earlier today raided 27 hotel rooms of newly arrived tourists to the great entertainment of holiday goers and hotel staff. A viral video surfaced online following the raids of a naked man being dragged out of his room by five heavily geared special forces officers. Despite the man being overpowered five to one, his resistance has been commended by many online commentators and news readers. 

During the altercation the man screamed continuously about his “moon roid just popped” and “he needs to huff some gas” whilst fighting tooth and nail before being thrown into the back of a police vehicle. Banging and muffled screams could be heard before the video cuts off. A man clearly in need of intervention many commented on various social media platforms.

Special Forces liaison Bernt Andrjes gave an interview to the assembled press later this afternoon with a great aura of embarrassment following extensive questioning and analysis of the tourists’ laptops and mobile phones.

“On behalf of the people of Iceland, I extend my sincere apologies to the 35 individuals arrested earlier today. Whilst you were not in contravention of any laws, we were compelled to take action following a disturbing increase in talks of weapons dealings, drug manufacturing, and uranium enrichment on Icelandic internet traffic originating from your hotel rooms. We applaud the dedication and fervor you have for your game, Eve Online, but we suggest restraint in the language used in the future to avoid unfortunate misunderstandings. In the future, we trust, that CCP Games, will provide us with pre-warning before another player event convenes to avoid similar events transpiring again.”

This latest altercation between Eve Online players and national security authorities is not the first. The CIA was caught in a similarly embarrassing situation having spent over $10 million tracking down an exceptionally dedicated Eve Online player who also engaged in hobbyist weapons, drugs, and nuclear reactor manufacturing with a spirit rivaling that of mainstream Actors.

Hold onto your warp drives, EVE Online fans, because CCP Games blasts the universe with an electrifying surprise: “Abyssal Crates.” Get ready to embrace the fusion of adrenaline-pumping Abyssal Deadspace action with the thrill of random loot – all packed into one mind-bending experience.

“Abyssal Crates” are your ticket to cosmic roulette. Brace yourself for the unparalleled joy of snagging something you never wanted, and then debating whether your ship budget can handle it. CCP’s Chief Randomization Officer proclaimed, “It’s RNG meets space high-stakes; what could go wrong?”

The time of crisis was 19:14 UTC, the start to the “Great Downtime” as it is being heralded by many on Eve Online forms and other social media websites.

The MMORPG Eve Online has been offline for over 3 hours now, and already the effects of the feral and under-medicated player base can already be seen creeping into normal society. Google trends have seen a significant increase in mundane and puzzling queries such as “How to open doors to the outside” or “Is outside safe?” and the comical “How does the green spikey stuff outside grow on Oreo dust?”.

Whispers of government agencies across the world canceling current plans to convene emergency meetings if the Eve Online downtime continues have broken into the talk of the public at large. An underlying tone of panic can be seen in reporters and newsreaders on popular news channels and platforms commenting on the game being offline for the past few hours. Any viewer can taste the tension and panic building by the moment as time progresses and the game is still offline.

The Eve Online player base is well known for its budding espionage attempts, scams, and ultra-complex market manipulations, and government officials fear that without their virtual narcotics society may be at risk.

In the meantime, readers are advised by The Eve Onion to stock up on batteries, non-perishable foodstuffs, and bottled water.

We will keep you updated as the situation develops, stay safe, stay smart, and don’t answer your door to anyone announcing a firesale.

EVE Online players can now take their in-game communication up a notch with the recent announcement from CCP of an upcoming voice communications feature. According to the developers, this new feature will give players “the ability to abuse one another more effectively and quickly” within local system chat channels without typing out messages. It will also give old bitter vets lost in space flashbacks to EVE Voice in the early 2010s, which the newer developers probably weren’t aware of. 

“We saw what you all could do to one another when we blacked out local chat in 2019,” said CCP Lemmings, a developer you’ve never heard of before, in a statement. “Go ahead, you filthy animals. Enjoy the heavy mouth-breathers in Jita!”

The new voice comms system will be released in the next major patch. It will come with various customizable options, including voice modulation settings allowing ISK-doubling spammers to rejoice in sounding like Satan himself as they burn poor newbros. The new feature will ultimately enable players to cuss and yell more freely and quickly with their corp mates or other players within the same system.

The widespread implementation of voice comms in EVE Online is just the latest example of CCP’s commitment to providing its players with innovative tools and features that enhance the gaming experience, like ongoing free skin giveaways in daily rewards and constant PLEX sales. And now that voice comms are available in EVE Online, gamers can look forward to the whale noises in TiDi fights and find out who in that other alliance is racist.

Denizens of Minmatar Space will have to obtain illicit holoreels of the smash hit Barbie from black market sources following a sweeping ban across Minmatar Republic Space.

The ban follows a swift vote by Tribal Justice officials from the seven major tribes, Sebiestor, Krusual, Brutor, Vherokior, Nefantar, Thukker, and Starkmanir. The Starkmanir official was especially vocal and demanded immediate retribution against the studio that produced the film.

Overall the film is said to have resonated with a sizable portion of the Minmatar population who have obtained viewings via various means, with likenings to the Liberation Uprising attributed to a secondary character. Prominently, the strife of the secondary character “Ken” discovering the oppression and brainwashing he has been subject to for the benefit of the “barbies” in their idyllic controlled world. The “Ken” has an awakening during the pursuit of the main protagonist who flees their homeland after discovering that everything is controlled in their day to day lives by unseen actors. The muscular and tribal primarch nature of Ken towards the conclusion has also been said to resonate heavily with Minmatar youth.

Unfortunately, in a brief section of the movie, there is a glimpse of a star map with clear markings that sections of current heavily contested Minmatar and Amarr space were included in the Amarr domain of the universe. Capsuleer fighting alongside both Amarr and Minmater forces regularly change system possession between both powers and the map does not reflect any contested state, as is the case across most media and empire outlets.

This slight had not gone unnoticed and the Republic was swift to crackdown on this “perverse and subversive Amarr fantasy drivel”.

“Not only do our brothers and sisters continue to suffer under the boot of Amarr, but now we have perverse media propaganda solidifying the enslavement of our people! The Day of Darkness will not be forgotten, and our fight continues till our last breath!  DEATH to those who support the injustices that Amarr continues to bring to the universe!” – Thukker Justice Leader Thal-ideel declared during a post-vote press interview.

All copies discovered by republic officials will be immediately destroyed and the owner(s) issued an expedited trial. Punishments include public lashings or forced labor in a Capsuleer veldspar mining fleets among other grueling punishments.

White House Press Secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, announced in a media briefing this morning that a fresh wave of sanctions is to be placed on CCP Games. The administration declared that this is to follow on from previous sanctions prohibiting government agencies and strategic technology companies from sharing sensitive and strategic technology.

Andrea Mitchell, MSNBC Correspondent in attendance, queried if this was a legitimate position by the Biden Administration. Karine Jean-Pierre confirmed that the whole government is in consensus that CCP Games must be held accountable for their actions and continued violations of international law.

Many political analysts have been hard at work since this announcement scrutinizing CCP Games and how it has been off the radar of the press for so long.

Fox News, a right-wing extremist news outlet, has run round-the-clock news cycles decrying the incompetence of the current administration.

News flash as Noraus announced this evening that Winter Co has decided to march towards Caldari High sec, the justification came from the directors of multiple corps expressing concerns from the multiple security concerns coming from High Sec into the regions of Vale of the Silent and Venal. “We don’t really appreciate having multiple small gangs coming to our space directly through High sec without us being able to defend effectively our borders, of course, we will also see this opportunity to boost the coalition’s economic goals as there will always be someone dumb enough to make business with in exchange of the “assured” protection of WC” Said Noraus on his last SOTA. 

Sources inside B2 B3 indicate a blow in morale as they yearned to keep fighting Frat but seems like their interest in capturing the regions of Pure Blind was thwarted due to an infestation of migrant bees lowering the rent prospects in the region, even tho there was a lot of Initiative behind Frat’s plans they would not dare mess with the Delvenized Bees and preferred a better gamble between CONCORD and the now confused Caldari Navy. 

Alongside this new development Pandemic Horde has reported that there have been some arson cases happening within their souther border in the region of Insmother, the attackers seemed to be non-intelligent only spewing words in an archaic language known as Spanish.