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Eve Onion Under New Management, Vows to Become Respectable News Organization

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In a memo to staff, Eve Onion News announced that we are now under new management. Over the last few months, a private investor took a keen interest in the Eve Onion and has negotiated for majority ownership via large sums of cash. Who is this mysterious patron? A little-known Icelandic philanthropist who goes by the name of Pilmar Hetursson. 

We have faithfully reproduced the memo in its entirety:

“Heya dorks! I sold out. Hahaha, it was a boatload of cash too. Anyways, there’s a new owner of Eve Onion. His name is Pilmar Hetursson or something like that, and he’s kinda sus but I don’t really care now. You all are under new management ‘cause I am out! I’ll read your stuff from my new yacht though, promise. ;)”

While we do not know much about Mr. Hetursson yet, we do have a public statement made shortly after acquiring the illustrious news source today.

“I’ve watched this newspaper’s career with great interest. I know that there is no better time than now to act on my dreams. As of this moment, all senior writers and staff are undergoing a rigorous re-education program I have designed specifically for these fine people. We are bringing in a new management and editorial team. No longer will Eve Onion be a source of mocking and stinging satirical ridicule over m-, erm, CCP’s running of Eve Online! No longer will we see their efforts taunted and our methods blamed. I vow to make Eve Onion News a respectable and worthwhile news organization without bias or disinformation, something like INN!”

We here at Eve Onion look forward to working with you, Mr. Hetursson!

Where are They Now: Jin’taan

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Priorities are a funny thing. We think we know what’s important to us, and slot things into a relative priority order something like: food, shelter, clothing, family, friends, bombing gatecamps, badposting on /r/eve, sex, mining, etc.

It is not until priorities come into conflict that we discover what’s really important. The Ravinne children demand attention and Wingspan TT’s B274-hugging friends discover a golden wrench thrown into their works. Elections in the United States of America lead EU citizens to discover they have important and relevant opinions on US politics. The Space Pope is suddenly homeless, and returns to his roots running slaves and exotic dancers into interdicted systems. Mike Azariah discovers that chemo is…no…nevermind. The Magic School Bus keeps running, because being kind to others is always Mike’s priority. 

Jin’taan needs no introduction, and will receive none. If you’re unfamiliar with his contributions of solid content and controversy, you’re a poser and need to move on. This article is not for you.

So, where is he now, and why wasn’t he the lead commentator on WWB2? Why is EVE no longer his top priority?

Jin claims to be working hard and living without hot water or weed. He prioritizes getting to work on time and bathing over scrounging for weed and reporting on WWB2. How the mighty have fallen! To what depths of despair has our icon plummeted? This man’s priorities are entirely upside down.

Jin’threads’s penchant for style seems unchanged, so he is not entirely unhinged.

His workout duds are similarly Jin’-style.

Wait…workout clothes? References to the gym? Muscles? He’s still Jin’pasty, and not Jin’tan, but something is amiss. Jin’taan drops EVE and suddenly he’s back to work in Quality Engineering, looking buff, and “feeling cute” with no sign of “might delete later?” No complaints of the postal service weed delivery?

Perhaps all is not well. Let’s take a closer look at the “workout” photo.

Denyer street. 

Denyer is from the french “denier,” or money-minter.

Jin’taan is thus on money-maker street, as this incriminating image clearly reveals.

If Jin’taan is on money-maker street, then there’s only one reasonable explanation. Clearly, Jin’taan was paid off by PAPI to ensure The Imperium could not leverage Jin’s talent and reach to deliver the Imperium.news propaganda necessary for a moral victory. Jin’taan’s content drove innumerable innocents to The Imperium’s “news” site, and provided a veneer of credibility to their propaganda outlet.

So, where is he now? Jin’taan is on money-maker street, and UwU all the way to the bank.

Reserve Bank Keys Are Here

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After an agonizingly long wait they have finally been implemented: Reserve Bank Keys are now available to players! After being randomly doled out in special crates on SiSi for testing last month, the keys were implemented in a small patch this morning. Excited players today were greeted with a new, fancy launcher background and advertisement for the keys.

Yes, after a much anticipated wait by krabbers, small gangers, solo PvPers, and corp directors ready to cash in on huge payouts (a feature that truly brought everyone together for once) the keys have been dropped on the website for low, low prices! Crates of 1, 5, and 15 keys are available at €4.15 ($5.00), €12.59 ($15.00),  and €20.00 ($24.00) respectively. This also comes with the possibility of crate event sales and event login rewards. They do not, however, seem to be available to purchase for PLEX in-game. Instead, capsuleers will redeem them at stations much like SKINs.

In addition, Reserve Bank Key Crates are pirate redeemables that come in flairs of Sansha, Serpentis, Angel, Guristas, Blood Raider, and even Drone. The keys are black market items stolen by the unscrupulous agents of New Eden, and sold to capsuleers as revenge for the many foiled plots and fallen comrades in Anomalies. The Reserve Banks will take a little longer to infiltrate as they are more secure vaults with potentially big payouts. It will take a bold capsuleer 12 minutes to open a Reserve Bank, and only after the Main has been successfully stolen. This will give defenders ample time to respond and ensure plenty of exciting fights for the pirate-minded seeking content. 

At the time of reporting this there were already four Reddit threads concerning the keys, with the response being mixed-to-negative. In keeping with the ongoing theme of monetization over Quality of Life, there’s been a strong backlash from the community regarding keys, the likes of which had not been seen since the initial ESS changes. From solo pilots angry that such content generation comes at a premium to them, to alliance execs mad that their krabs are less likely to shill out for those sweet taxes, everyone feels strongly in some way about Bank Reserve Keys.

CCP’s Battle Against Botters Pushing the Envelope of AI Development

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Seoul National University, South Korea. 


Head researcher Fang-Lee Geun, of the Center for Artificial Intelligence Research at the Seoul National University exits a productive meeting with MMO developer CCP Games with a wide smile. His research is advancing tenfold in speed compared to before their partnering. The two entities have become ever closer since their initial contact just under six months ago. CCP CEO Hilmar Pétursson made contact after it was discovered the unintentional advances being made in AI Research stemming from the game developer’s active and ongoing war against Botters in Eve Online (Botters – automated ingame characters that simulate player activity for economic or ingame advantage).

Eve Online, a fairly popular MMO has been in operation for over 15 years now. It has seen its fair share of player instigated wars, scams, partnerships, alliances, and betrayals. Occasionally, an outsider may hear of a massive war spanning over the course of days, sometimes costing over $115 USD in real world currency. But to its committed playerbase, squeezing the proverbial stone for any advantage is an ongoing battle not just among rivals, but against the developer itself.

Botting has bloomed in recent years as players have evolved to maximize any possible advantage, even if it means potential banning from the game and a loss of all gains thus far. An unintentional side effect of this battle between CCP and the Bot programmers is a rapid advancement in behavioural and machine learning programs. As CCP pursued these Bots, both sides have effectively begun an arms race; Bot makers refining and developing their programs to behave more and more humanlike to evade CCPs security tools and programs. 

“Gone are the days of simple programs that follow a limited set of responses and actions.” commented Fang-Lee watching a recording of a bot masquerading as a mute interceptor pilot, complete with all the simulated issues that come with the pretend Soviet era computer and no microphone. Note: This type of bot is used to gather intel for the owner during player vs player battles.

The latest bots sport a swiss army knife of tools and tricks, and more interestingly their behaviour has been programmed to simulate what actual human players would behave like in a wide range of circumstances—flaws and all. The bots respond to conversations, form simulated friendships under certain circumstances, team up with other players while mining, exhibit limited emotions and human flaws like spelling mistakes, and randomly disagree with someone. Some even just go about, dare Fang-Lee admit it, having fun, by shooting other miners. (Dr Fang-Lee later commented that the “fun” seeking programs were discovered to be research bots gathering information for their masters in some form while masquerading as fun seeking players.)

Advances have been pushed that the bots create more bots, and the servers hosting banned bot accounts communicate among themselves, sharing information to better thwart CCP’s next round of battle. The bots compared “notes”; similarities of potential behaviour that may have been picked up on by CCP’s own bot hunting programs when they were banned from the game. These displays of rudimentary problem solving have yet to be replicated elsewhere.

The programmers have understood sometimes a bit of human likeness and weakness is the key to preventing CCP from weeding out their artificial tools from the rest of the humans in the game. The bots even simulate mistakes and expected mouse movements for pausing out-of-game Netflix shows and alt-tabs. To 

make it even more interesting, the botters tend to be just ahead of CCP so the latest generation are no doubt even more refined complex creatures.


Therefore, the bots have become human in a sense; slipping under CCPs efforts to weed them out. They need to chat, need to talk and boast, send messages, and engage in conversation with their peers and unsuspecting human brethren. And as Eve Online is a social game, they need to talk about real life things as well: current events, political opinions, sorrows, and so on.

When CCP watches two “players” arguing over the finer points of some new anime show and how the show wasn’t true to the Japanese Light Novel, can we really expect CCP to win this battle? (It turned out both were bots from two different programmers; the only giveaway being there wasn’t a Light Novel for that anime in particular.) CCP has been compelled to take their bot hunting out-of-game in this instance, but could those two accounts have simply been misinformed, like their human counterparts inevitably are sometimes?

For now, the battle rages and time will tell. And CCP walks a tightrope between actual effective anti-Boting measures, and making their human players’ lives not too inconvenient. AI researchers are having their work done for them. CCP has entertained the idea of leasing out known offenders’ creations for research purposes, but even Hilmar fears the machine twilight on the horizon.

Note by Fang-Lee Geun: This article was written by a machine learning program which was forced to endure 12 months of in-game and out-of-game chat from Goonswarm alliance chat channels, the Mitani’s Facebook and Twitter profiles, and a selection of anime forums.

CCP Denies Using Bots

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A consortium of self-professed Bot Hunters in EVE Online has come forward with allegations that CCP has been using bots, and for quite some time.

“Yeah, turns out ‘NPC’ doesn’t just mean that the ships aren’t controlled by non-paying players, they’re actually computer controlled!” explained a spokesperson for the group in an impressive display of double negatives. “For some time, we’ve been suspecting that CCP just couldn’t have that many people on staff, controlling all of those ships, even if people were using multiple accounts. We set up some situations and, by even their own standards, the behaviour was too much like bot behaviour. Everything was very consistent, very predictable. After about a decade we were fairly certain. The sleepers threw us a bit. They tried hard with CODE but, seriously? Obviously a bunch of brainless automatons there. I’m guessing they didn’t expect us to see through all that. We would have actually come forward earlier but then the Triglavians and EDENCOM came along and we wondered, is it possible they just hired more people and we’ve been wrong all along?”

EVE Onion approached CCP with the evidence to get their side of the story. When we called, there was a muttered curse and the line went dead. Just as we were about to call back, the phone rang, displaying the caller as “CCP Legal”. CCP Dewey, CCP Screwem, and CCP Howe introduced themselves on the conference call, rounding out the introductions with a warning that this conversation mustn’t be recorded, spoken of, or even hinted at. After pressing record, we assured them this was the case.

We asked if the allegations were true: Was CCP using bots in the game under misleading names like ‘NPC’, ‘Triglavian’, and ‘CODE’? Dewey, Screwem, and Howe assured us that these were not, in fact, bots, but “AI” or “Artificial Intelligence”. They further exonerated that the AI only applied to “NPC” or “Non-Player Character” accounts so they couldn’t ban them even if they wanted to. AI is apparently different from bots because the actions are “clever and pleasantly orchestrated” whereas bots are “stupid poopy-heads and deserve to be banned.” When pressed to explain how an ad hominem attack outlined the difference between the two approaches, all we got back was, “I know you are but what am I?”

We tried a different approach. We pointed out that the legal bots very clever AI had expanded their actions to mining resources and attacking player ships, including pods. This is much more aggressive and detrimental to game enjoyment compared to the illegal bots poopy heads that don’t kill other players or otherwise disrupt their enjoyment of the game. Indeed, they provide an ancillary service as something to shoot at from time to time, and repeatedly, without apparent end. “Yeah, we really didn’t expect that,” the crack legal team mumbled apologetically. “At first, we thought it was neat when one NPC group attacked another NPC group. Then they seemed to get bolder and started attacking players. Most recently, they even destroyed stargates and created their own region!” We could only raise an admonishing and condescending eyebrow at these exclamations. “Oh! But that’s not our fault!” retorted the trio, evasively. “We even tried to rollback the code to a previous version but the Triglavians somehow reinstated it when we brought the cluster back up!” After a long pause, clearly for melodramatic effect, Screwem tapped his temple with equal melodrama, chanting, “AAAAAA IIIIIIIII — you don’t see bots doing that!”

We’ve Found It…Finally

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Prologue

When talking about the human race, we think about the people who went through the EVE gate millenia ago. The ones who managed to conquer vast amounts of space and develop unparalleled technology. What we forget are the people who were left behind in the journey to the stars. Almost all of the “Redeemers”, which they called themselves, swore to exact revenge upon the rest of humanity for leaving them behind during the Voyage. All but a very tiny group of people.

The Cube, Moon l, Earth

“Another wormhole.” said Lunala, rolling her misty green eyes. To her, it was just another one of the wormholes that spawned in the Solar System almost daily. Or was it?

“Who’s going to check the thing out?” Jarsen said drowsily. He was the leader of the Redeemers, a middle-aged drunkard who looked like he had been through a lot of s**t. He was known for his laziness and ruthlessness when it came to doing what he wanted to. How such a terrible man managed to become leader was unknown, but it was said among the elders that he committed terrible crimes to seize control.

“Seems like you forgot your duty as leader, didn’t you?”

“Send Aeryn or one of her deviant friends then. Don’t they have a wish to reconcile with the Voyagers and live a happy life with them?”

“Okay.” 

She rolled her eyes more dramatically this time. She was well aware of the fact that he didn’t like her much, and she made no effort to hide it.

“Aeryn darling, wake up, you’ve got a wormhole to check.”

Aeryn rubbed her deep amber eyes.

“What?”

“You’ve got a wormhole to check out, girl.” Lunala repeated in a soothing, motherly voice.

“Nice. I’ll be shipped in 10.” 

Aeryn smiled. Lunala was one of the few people that she liked in the Cube, a rusty metal box of a station which housed all 3000 Redeemers. And the Deviants, that’s what they were called by the Redeemers. They seeked peace with the Voyagers, thus the name.

Aeryn headed to the washroom. She cleaned her groggy face and put her blue hair in a ponytail. If you went back a few centuries, natural blue hair would be an impossibility and the only reason people had blue hair was dying. To some people, dying hair was even considered taboo. Over time, the people who lived in space were exposed directly to the sun’s radiation and developed genetic mutations. Thus, seemingly weird hair and eye colors a few centuries back became natural features.

After washing up and putting on her gold-rimmed aviator glasses, she went to grab a meal from the kitchen. The sight of the glasses every morning triggered strong emotions within her. It was her most prized possession, given to her by her mother on her birthday. She passed away a few days later.

She saw the muscular body of her best friend, Yuvria there. He was a fellow Deviant and the youngest among the 3000. He was 16, Aeryn a year older. His blond hair was always messy but smelled clean, as usual. He had brown eyes and a deep baritone voice, undeniably attractive to many people.

“Good morning, Yuvria.”

“Good morning!” he smiled back. “Where are you heading now?”

“Got a job to do, mate.”

“Can I follow, please?”

“You know the answer, Yuv.”

“But you promised me you’d bring me along before. And you know I won’t stop pestering you until you do so.”

Aeryn pondered his words for a while. Then, she walked briskly away from him. Aeryn heard the faintest of sighs and smiled.

“Come on, why won’t you let me go?”

“Why do you want to go?”

“Well…I find space cool!”

“It’s not. We’ll never find what we want”

“I doubt that. Even if we die before it’s found, it will still be found. And I like space because of the fact that there are humans out there.”

“If you say so.”

“Come on…”

“Fine. Terminal 3 in two minutes. Bring everything you need. I’m not waiting for more than 130 seconds. Washroom provided.”

He cheered so loud that the echoes didn’t stop for an entire minute. Aeryn proceeds to Terminal 3, where her ship was. As usual, the two Redeemer guards there greeted her with a frown. One of them, who went by the name Joe, was short and stout. His compatriot, Axl was an imposing young man with scars and jet black hair. He was easily close to 7 feet tall and could easily wreck Yuvria in a fight. Even with their menacing rifles, she walked past them, feeling indifferent. She pulled open the entrance hatch and hopped inside. It was a comfy haven in the franticness of her world. Then, she proceeded to the galley to sort out the replenishables. 

Aeryn heard a series of loud footsteps pounding on the floor. She peeked over the hatch to see Yuvria’s messy blond hair flailing wildly as he ran towards her. The pounding abruptly stopped and were accompanied by sounds of confusion. She continued with her business while listening to them:

“Sorry, guy. No non-explorers passing through this area.”

“Umm…Aeryn?”

“Let him in,” she said. 

“No, it’s against the rules. And you should know that as the Head of  the Explorers.”

“Well, you said it yourself, I know the rules. Doesn’t mean I’m especially enthusiastic about them. And today I feel especially happy to have him in here with me. So screw you and your shi**y rules.”

“What-”

“Let him in. Tell Jarsen I wanted it and I’ll answer. He’s not gonna touch or scold Yuvria or the both of you. If he does, tell me and I’ll whack the crap outta him.”

They hesitated for a moment. One of them frowned. “Go on.” 

Yuvria hopped into the ship. “See ya dumbasses later!”

Wormhole

The ship was a Wanderer. It was a very old design meant for exploration and travelling. The ship boasted superior speed and agility at the expense of space and resilience. The Wanderer resembled a small bird, with wings and a curved front for a beak. Aeryn liked it well enough; she thought of it as a hideaway, safe from the scorn of the Redeemers. She decorated it with her own stuff, including small pieces of furniture and posters.

“Wow, this thing looks absolutely stunning.”

“Designed it myself as soon as I got it. You wouldn’t have liked the original version.”

“I’m sure about that”

“Time to get on with business. Store your belongings in the small container. Put food and drinks in the mini-freezer.” He did as told while Aeryn set up the ship’s control panel and interface.

“I’m don-”

“Guess we’re both set then. You ready?” Aeryn asked.

“Always.”

“Good. Now get your ass on the seat and stop jumping around like a monkey.”

“That is an unprovable axiom. We’ll never see monkeys.” He sat down to Aeryn’s right and marvelled at the holographic displays and equipment. His eyes got wet with happiness.

“Thanks so much for bringing me along, it’s been my childhood dream to fly in a spaceship and see the stars.”

“Yeah yeah don’t get all weepy now”

He brushed away his tears and looked just as energetic as before.

“What’re we doing now?”

“We’re to warp to the newly formed wormhole and jump through it to check out what’s on the other side”

“Sounds cool.”

“It’s not. I can promise you that”

“Why?”

“We’ve been scanning long before we were even conceived. The chances of finding civilization is extremely low. Maybe even nonexistent.”

“All we can do is warp, jump and see I guess.” he commented. 

“Yeah.”

Aeryn pushed the yoke, and the ship moved out of the terminal. When it was fully outside, she pushed a few buttons on the control panel and tapped the holographic map a few times. “Warping commenced,” declared a mechanical female voice.

“I’m nervous.”

“It’s gonna be fine.”

“I’ll trust you on that.”

The Wanderer accelerated rapidly and aligned towards the wormhole After flying for a few kilometers in its designated direction—which didn’t take more than 5 seconds given its speed—the ship began warping towards the wormhole.

“It’s all good, isn’t it?” she asked. 

“I don’t feel anywhere near weird!”

“Told you.” Aeryn smiled.

“For now.” Yuvria replied.

When they reached the wormhole, Yuvria got up from his seat and peeked forward as much as he could to get a closer look at the wormhole.

“It’s…utterly beautiful.”

“Yeah, this one seems really nice.” The wormhole had turquoise tendrils expanding outwards from its core, which was pink. It vaguely resembled a flower.

“Ready to jump?”

“Definitely!”

Aeryn grinned and flew into the wormhole. They were gone in less than a second.

Red

Going through a wormhole was an interesting experience to say the least. It looked very…weird, unlike any other experience. Irreplicable. All one can see while going through is just a jumble of stars. One would know they were seeing stars, yet it would seem to be impossible to process or perceive.

“How long is this gonna last?”

“I don’t know exactly. It depends on the distance.”

After a while, they were finally sucked out of the wormhole into normal space. The newfound galaxy was a deep maroon like blood. The color was almost sinister, as if it implied someone or something was up to no good in there.

“Wow, this place gives me the creeps,” said Yuvria.

“It does seem creepy.”

“We’ll check it out and if there’s nothing, we go back.”

“Okay.”

“Help us out and go get some drinks and a snack for me from the galley. Take some food if you want to.”

“Sure.”

Aeryn activated the scanner to search for wormholes. To her surprise, there were wormholes and odd structures. There were no signs of life but it seemed like there was once an intelligent civilization here, thus the structures. Yuvria came back with two bottles of water and a sandwich.

“Did you manage to find anything?”

“Many things, indeed.”

“Huh?”

“Wormholes, cosmic oddities but no signs of life.”

“Ancient civilization I guess?”

“Probably.” Aeryn initiated warp to one of the structures. 

It was a mess of a wreck. The thing looked like the skeleton of a past station. It was black and covered with weird reddish-orange tendrils that almost seemed living, sentient. Aeryn piloted the ship closer to the wreck.

“You sure that’s safe, Aeryn?”

“How safe are we living with people who want to slit our necks?”

“True.”

The ship floated into one of the more spacious cavities to look at the inside. It was just as mangled in the inside, nothing they could visibly identify. They were about to fly back out when suddenly, they heard a thump and their ship rumbled. It seemed to originate from the back of the ship.

“What’s that?” Yuvria asked.

“No idea, let me check it out.” She went to the back to look outside the window.

A large something, half living, half machine was floating outside their ship. It was a rough black sphere with red tentacles and a lot of details on its body that Aeryn couldn’t exactly see very clearly. It lashed out with one of its arms directly at the window, right in front of her face. The other arms grabbed the ship and tried to pull it towards its body. Aeryn heard a loud crunch as an arm latched onto the ship’s body. One after another, they pulled the ship towards its core.

“I don’t think this is good…” she said. 

Back to the Good Ole Days

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After “a lot of healthy conversation” in response to how the player base “shared their thoughts” with CCP Games, CCP rolled back recent changes to drone behavior and Wightstorm data sites. Drone bunnies rejoiced and un-cancelled their accounts. Those planning to spend hours customizing Cyberpunk 2077 character genitalia while their drones killed pirates found a new lease on life. Those feverishly running copy jobs on the Nightmare BPOs that accidentally dropped from the data sites were less thrilled, but unsurprised. All is well. 

Or is it?

Evidence is growing that CCP planned all along to generate and respond to outrage. A software industry veteran suggested that: 

“CCP may have decided to invest in apology marketing. By creating a problem, then solving it quickly, companies create the illusion of responsiveness. Studies show that a well-crafted apology boosts response to special offers presented within a few days of the apology, resulting in a net increase in sales. This is particularly effective in the case that competitors are struggling to respond to their own problems. The benefits to the company appear to extend even beyond the next round of special offers. By creating a situation less desirable than the status quo, such as occurred in the case of changes to drone behavior, the status quo becomes more desirable by comparison. When the behavior reverts to the status quo, this is perceived by those affected as a positive change. For a subset of those influenced to perceive the status quo more favorably by comparison to the alternatives, their long-term opinion is measurably shifted towards the positive.”

A game designer, speaking on condition of anonymity, offered this perspective on CCP’s potential apology marketing:

 “Well, maybe so, but the skins are really nice, and do you see complaints about EVE Online’s buggy XBox One and PS4 version? No. Do you see problems with doors not opening or character wardrobe malfunctions during gameplay? No. Do you see problems with respawning mid-combat or enemies who see you through walls? Not since May 2016. And, have you seen the Zakura Zakitsu exploration suits? What a great way to welcome Japanese players to a game that hasn’t had a problem with the game crashing as they walked through a door for more than three years.”

In unrelated news, /u/StainGuy is rumored to have given his personal approval to the decision to roll back changes adding a low-sec gate to Stain after the QA team reported that the gate seemed to be Wi-flagged for a perpetual Electrical Metaliminal storm and relentless camping by insta-locking diamond Sansha rats.

EVE Online Recipes!

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Now available in the Merch Store are new, delectable dishes from the New Eden universe all cataloged in the first ever EVE Online food magazine! At long last, foodie capsuleers can purchase a handy subscription for the most popular foods from across the Empires, and beyond. The first issue alone contains more than 17 delicious dishes for the home capsuleer-cook!

The recipe magazine, New Eden Cuisine, dropped on the storefront, exciting many players. With recipes this good, surely we’ll all stop ordering out so much! Nearly every dish has origins from each of the Empires: Federation Freedom Fries, Brutor Fedo Bites, Amarrian Communion Wafers, and Caldari Nutrient Paste #4—sure hits among enthusiastic chefs! That’s not all though, the magazine will also offer a variety of choice meals for pirates such as Blood Raider Boudain or Serpentis Tenders. From savory to sweet, New Eden Cuisine has recipes for all occasions—with that EVE Online flair we all crave! 

In addition to the recipes, there will be lore and background origins to each dish. CCP confirmed that every dish will also be canon in New Eden’s timeline. This led to speculation of in-game food items appearing in the near future. How exciting! The only downside? There are no Imperial measurements within the first issue, and no word on conversions from metric to be included in future issues. Sorry, Americans! 

The magazine is currently planned for issue monthly to subscribers, and can be purchased through the Merch Store with renewing payment plans. The first issue and subscription for the year 2021 is listed for €99.50. If you act fast and subscribe within the next 48 days, you can save 20% with a special Yoiul deal! That’s only €79.60 for a year subscription! Monthly subscribers will pay €14.95/month for each issue. Pick up your yearly subscription before this special holiday offer expires!

Off the Wagon- or on the Zebra

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All of #tweetfleet is abuzz, as Niden, of Snuffed and Crossing Zebras fame (that’s zeh-brahs, for the yanks) teased a return to EVE Online. 

The tease escalated quickly, as Niden almost immediately committed to guest articles and opened art commissions even while trying to pull strings to get access to an EVE Online account. 

Never known for “letting it go,” pundits were quick to drag out old gossip. “Oh, yeah, sure, Niden returns as soon as the partner program re-launches. You know it’s all about that RMT,” one bittervet opined. “Just watch, as Crossing Zebras re-dates articles to qualify for the program.”

Ashy, of AshyIn.space offered this perspective, clearly taunting Niden to return to the editing game with a trio of typos:

“I’m super excited about Niden’s return. He was the entire reason I started writing (for CZ) in the first place back when I flew with him in Villore Accords. Without that experience of writing for cruising zebras, my own site never would have existed in the first place!

That said, no pressure on Noden to live up to the editor in chief be used to be. EVE can be stressful and all-consuming sometimes and I hope he doesn’t burn out again.”

Less than 24 hours later, Niden’s battle station is ready to go. This image, allegedly from a recently re-activated Goonswarm Federation observation system, suggests Niden is completely off the wagon.

Will Niden undock and die horribly? Will Crossing Zebras return? Will nerfs to drone combat bring back more bittervets who stepped away sick of ganking AFK VNIs and Ishtars?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Niden is pronounced NEEEEEEEden

Emotes Added to EVE Online, Conversation Dies

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In a recent devblog, CCP announced the addition of popular “emotes” to EVE Online and EVE Echoes chats which were added this past patch; the effects are already generating concern. Since the implementation of unicode shortcuts that automatically display associated images (“emotes”) there has been a notable decrease in dialogue between pilots. This is not to say the chat isn’t used, but that it’s being used almost strictly for emote spamming. 

Initially, players expressed excitement on the forums and elsewhere regarding the news. The CSM even unanimously applauded the news as “not harmful”. Wild speculation about which emotes would be added started to circulate among the usual media, with many hoping to see the popular “pepehands” and “pog” make the cut. Surprisingly, nobody was disappointed, as even alliance logos made it into the new code along with many classic berachs and popular EVE Streamer emotes. 

It wasn’t long, however, before people started to notice problems. At first everyone was amused when an Intel chat would fill with pogs after an elite home defense Nyx pilot posted a “dank Rifter frag”, or a roaming gang would spam their logo in local to send Ishtars scrambling for tether. 

However, a troubling trend quickly settled in. Rather than usual trash talk, chiding, or friendly banter players began simply posting emotes in local. Alliance and corp chats became back-and-forths of :smith: and :unsmith: when fleets would ping, then stand down. Streams of :pogchomp: :spod: would echo through standing fleet chats. Soon enough nobody was saying much of anything else. 

There’s been debate on Reddit and many pings to devs regarding this, though the question remains unanswered: Do emotes constitute a substitute for actual conversation? While many complex ideas can be relayed through appropriate emotes, some complain that communication has broken down and the game suffers from it. Others dismiss these concerned Eden citizens as boomers. CCP is not actually expected to follow up and address these concerns, so we must simply watch as local scrolls by with “MMDs” and ”FatBees” at breakneck speed.