Delve – After 3 sleepless weeks of false-alarm pings in preparation for “the big one”, line members from both TAPI+ and The Imperium formed up for their much-anticipated big fleet event in the region’s top tourist destination, 1DQ. 

The line members found joy and camaraderie for the entire form-up period as hundreds of coalition members joined and jovially asked “what are we flying, where are we going, what squad should I be in, who’s the FC” without reading a single word in the fleet message of the day. Laughter and smiles could be heard on both sides, as friends gave answers to their bewildered and illiterate corporation members.

However, as soon as the opposing fleets warped to their first gates, mysterious communications issues emerged, plaguing the lead Fleet Commanders with constant unaligned ships, bad warps, and missed target opportunities all along the adventure. 

12-year veteran, PlaugeDeth68, received an alert that his ratting super carrier was in hull after the 3^rd jump and frantically tabbed between accounts trying to figure out which bot was dying, causing him to miss a warp and lose his doctrine Munnin to a Raptor. Meanwhile 16-year player, LauraDangr, couldn’t figure out how to stop her stream viewers from hearing every command her FC was giving, yet simultaneously failed to follow any of the commands herself. 

The only Sabre to accompany PAPI+ bubbled it’s own fleet 2 jumps from their destination, and sub-commander Villy had to pause and force someone else to take over after hearing his last remaining FC, ProGodLegend, scream for 32 seconds straight then disconnect with a loud BANG.

Both fleets turned around 1 jump out of 1DQ when they each remembered that the timers they thought they were fighting over were for tomorrow.

“Sir? A trio are here requesting…”

Scarlette’s voice trails off as the door opens sufficiently to reveal Chance Ravinne’s back facing the door, his gaze resting upon the framed poster to his right. The CEO spins around in his chair, definitely _not_ wiping a single tear from his cheek.

“Send them in, Scarlette. Thank you.”

“Another rough one, sir? I know you were hoping the big E3 announcement might disclose progress towards Legion… Nova… whatever they’re calling the Dust 514 successor.”

“Frankly, yes,” Chance replies softly. “The Academy is nice, but they’re no Eve Uni. And have you seen Battlefront? This is what Dust/Legion/Nova is up against. This. CCP can’t be the ‘coolest sci-fi shooter.’ It won’t happen. The appeal of Dust is first-and-foremost its integration into and influence over the EVE Universe. One universe, one war. The technology, systems, gameplay and lore are almost irrelevant. Ask 500 gamers if they can name a single ship, faction, or solar system in EVE Online. They can’t. Ask those same 500 gamers if they’d like to be able to put virtual bullets in the backs of capsuleers during the EVE wars they’ve read IGN articles about…”

Chance clenches his fist, then relaxes his grip.

“Sorry, sir. I know how difficult it has been since you discovered the glimmer of hope in Echoes was a mirage.”

“Anyway, who’s this next trio, Scarlette? I don’t recall seeing anything on my calendar.”

“Um…. I’m not exactly sure, sir. One said his name is Blunt, and the other grumbled something in a thick Polish accent. I wasn’t able to catch her name. The third gave me this card and said you would welcome them without an appointment.”

Chance reached out his hand and took the monochrome business card. “Allen Edwards,” he read quietly.

A broad smile spread across the CEO’s face.

“Send them in and cancel the rest of my appointments today, Scarlette. This may be the best day of my life since the neut Cruors were born. Whatever CCP stepped in must really stink if the ‘unannounced projects’ team out of London is ready to talk.” 

Outside Buusar, Somalia

The scorched and barren hills fly by amid the dust devils; lurching among detonated landmines along this stretch of broken road. Where we are going is still not clear to me and each time I ask I only get a response of “Opsec” from the ragtag passengers or from Xtra Squishy in the driver’s seat. The heavily modified Toyota Tacoma we are traveling in looks more like a Mad Max-spiked monstrosity than a car. The one meter rusty spikes, Xtra Squishy assured me, are part of the current meta when it comes to desert warfare. How the bright pink streaks along the sides and the rebar steel cat whiskers poking out of the bull bars are supposed to benefit the vehicle in a war zone is still a mystery to me.

“Gotta get those buffs during the fleet”, he mutters while stroking a spike near the steering wheel. When I was tasked with this interview I thought this was some elaborate holiday the CSM hopeful had planned. The hours passed. I thought of my pick up at the Kenyan border, having narrowly avoided an Army Patrol and a Eurofighter Jet looking for an easy target. I started to have doubts about my Eve Onion insurance coverage.

Later, under the cover of darkness, we enter a shattered settlement. Xtra, as he has requested I refer to him, calls out to the darkness: “Fleets up, everyone get in!”. Lights wink into existence from among the broken buildings; the roar of engines and people rushing about breaks the still desert air.

Xtra, no longer content with his exploits and shenanigans in the MMORPG EVE Online, has moved to “IRL” getting his fix of action and excitement there, but is still very keen to run for the Council of Stellar Management (CSM) for some reason. Leaked reports from NATO and the Organisation of African Unity (OAU) military forces indicate an increasingly erratic behaviour of rebel and revolutionary groups in the Horn of Africa following Xtra’s extracurricular activities outside of EVE Online.

Strange assaults on military convoys with the sole purpose of attracting aerial support have increased, all attacking vehicles are usually destroyed but the goal of destroying supply convoys seems to be the goal. Swarms of smaller nimble vehicles strip the shells clean of intact supplies before disappearing into the wilderness. NATO has moved to make sure lower volumes of valuable goods are moved at any one time, as this seems to be an effective deterrent to the raids, so far. Troops on the ground always report a spike laden vehicle on the horizon during the supply raids. OAU troops have dubbed Xtra’s war machine “Bisad Xun“ aka the Bad Cat.

The morning after arrival, Xtra wakes me with a wide toothy grin as he spills a little G-Fuel over my tattered mattress in excitement. “Ready to break the rules?” His mad eyes stare through my soul before he turns and scuttles off to his makeshift command centre, with me scrambling to catch up. The sun was still struggling below the horizon. The morning was not quite here yet.

“Gentlemen!” bellows Xtra to the assembled troops all sporting a variety of anime t-shirts and hello kitty decal’ed AK-47s. Everyone was ecstatic; the atmosphere in the room was narcotic. “NATO and the local troops will never know what hit them”, as he widens his hands to capture the room. “If you only had one shot…one opportunity…to seize everything, would you let it slip by?!”. He stares into the eyes of each soldier in turn before meeting mine last. Somewhere from entering the room and now, an AK-47 made its way into my hands and I don’t remember it being handed to me. I was now part of this whether I liked it or not. Everyone rushed out of the room to their war machines. It was time. A passing soldier handed me a tin of spare ammunition, a large faded hammer and sickle logo stamped on the side. “Faction ammo” commented the soldier. The Tacoma has been refitted overnight, the spikes had been removed and there is now some kind of bright pink tank machine gun on the top.go

A short while later, a rolling armoured beast of a school bus streaked down the road towards a military base. Jets, tanks, and APCs sat quietly in their parking spots. The guards hadn’t noticed what was coming for them. The bus was layered with armor plates and ballistic plastic, guaranteed to survive a few direct missile hits and that was just the start of its purpose. Finally, a guard noticed the beast streaking along the road, sirens blared and the base struggled into action. Such a daring assault was not expected.

Xtra gazed down the road, with me at his side. He smiled just as the bus hit the first checkpoint, crushing the barricades like toothpicks before crashing into a parked tank toppling it over and then veering into a jet. Soldiers poured automatic weapons fire over the beast, barely denting the armoured plates. A few moments later, a magnesium flare burst out of the roof lighting up the base in a white washed glow capturing everyone’s attention.

It was time.

“The cynos up! Get in! Get in! Get the links up!” screamed Xtra slamming the accelerator and turning on his sound system to blare True Survivor to motivate the troops. An entire battalion of random cars, trucks, and even a golf cart sporting a v8 engine roared toward the base. The soldiers were so focused on the super tanked bus and failed to realise it was all part of the diversion plan. Another successful “op” commented Xtra later on back at the compound, sitting atop piles of weapons, ammo, and MRE rations like a makeshift throne. His loot from the battle. An erotic male dancer could be seen in the corner carrying on his business to the surrounding troops.

Several weeks later, I was picked up by a NATO convoy near the Djibouti border, the troops eyed me suspiciously as the convoy came to a halt. I couldn’t blame them, as I was sporting a bright pink anime infused t-shirt Xtra’s soldiers wear as a uniform. The only reason I was still standing was the call I made to request a pick up. The OAU was scrambling to regain control in the region behind me, and Xtra was keeping them entertained. To this day, the soul piercing stare of Xtra still wakes me at night sometimes, with the only thing comforting me is mining in EVE Online; its sole numbing elements help calm my spirit. 

Xtra, before letting me be on my way, issued me an official mining permit scribbled on a manga cover, for both ingame and out, a show of camaraderie as he put it. Sadly I couldn’t keep the Hello Kitty AK-47, as NATO and the OAU have been covering the tracks of Xtra Squishy. But I managed to get a hold of one from Aliexpress.

I forgot about the CSM he was running for, but in the end, he showed me freedom and friendship, and that was enough for me. “Asteroid Depleted.” beeps my computer.

When you think sexy EVE CSM candidates you probably think of Gym’taan, Manic Velocity, or Max Singularity. Same, fam. A few in the know might even give a nod to Sort Dragon, the only known or strongly suspected female CSM member. I tried… I really tried to bring you an expose on Max Singularity. The naked pate, the daring moustache, the sparkling wit, smile, and eyes… the leftist politics and a horde of sultry escorts. It would have been glorious.

But no.

The editor has spoken.

She wants Creepy Speedo Guy.

There’s no accounting for taste, I suppose.

Stay a while, and listen. Perhaps she’s not entirely wrong.

It was a year ago (2020 Feb 12) and CSM 15 candidate announcements were in full swing. Suddenly, out of the blue, the first CSM 16 announcement appeared on /r/eve. Micromancer fired the opening salvo in the CSM 16 race, presenting himself as the ideal slot 10 meme candidate. “There can be only one meme candidate,” Micromancer asserted. “Godspeed Xenuria, your services are no longer required.”

Of all the meme candidates ever to announce candidacy for the CSM, Micromancer is clearly better armed and more hairy than any of them. Jin’taan has his golden suit and the Space Pope his blasphemous vestments, but who else would dare pose in nothing but body hair and a speedo? Who else so perfectly captures the persona of the average EVE player?

Living up to his meme candidate role, Micromancer delayed formally announcing his candidacy for CSM 16 until 4/20. His primary qualification? “I am an expert in fun.”

Micromancer may be the first candidate in CSM history to make fun a key plank in their platform. For that reason alone, although it hurts me to say this – Ms. Lillik is right. Micromancer is dead sexy.

On March 31, another battle was waged in an ongoing conflict between Rekking Crew (RC) Coalition and Snuffed Out in the system of Lantorn. Snuffed Out had dropped another staging Fortizar citadel in the system from which they could project and assault nearby structures belonging to Siege Green. This particular battle saw RC attacking and destroying the Fortizar in Machariels against defending Snuffed Out armor carrier-class capital ships. Over 100 Machariels as well as many Tempests battleships, command ships, and various supporting vessels were destroyed. This pyrrhic victory, described as a task failed successfully on RC’s part, has spurred the Minmatar Republic to commission a monument to the crews and their families of the Battleships. 

Machariel battleships, while a design of the pirate Angel Cartel, employ weaponry and defenses familiar to any Minmatar navy personnel. The war zone oriented in the factional warfare region between the Minmatar Republic and Amarr Empire creates opportunities for people seeking employment aboard Capsuleer vessels in the area. Thousands flocked to the Siseide system’s Siege Green Keepstar citadel to enlist. Many know the dangers of work aboard Capsuleer ships, but none were prepared for the slaughter that came. 

Normally, the Machariel is a fearsome platform well suited to fleet engagements with high alpha, speed, and respectable defenses; however, their large signature radius makes them easy targets for nimble, fast fighter craft and guided structure bombs and defenses. RC learned this the hard way as the mass of fighters from the Snuffed defending carriers swarmed their battleships and began quickly disintegrating them one after the other. Some were able to warp out only to be picked off by an Initiative Kikimora fleet waiting for prime pickings such as those. 

Servant Sisters of Eve and Republic officials are still trying to get an accurate count, but early estimates are believed to be over 780,000 dead, the vast majority being Minmatar Republic citizens employed on those Machariel and Tempest battleships. A spokesperson for the Republic extended their sympathies to those who lost loved ones, and urged Republic citizens to consider serving the military against Amarrian slavery and oppression rather than sacrifice themselves for Capsuleer greed. In memorial to those who were lost, the Republic will construct a large monument in space near the former Fortizar location where the battle took place.

Anyang, South Korea

Last night, police and riot control forces were assembled in orderly ranks in front of the beleaguered headquarters of Pearl Abyss, their expressions hidden behind ballistic shields and gas masks; their fear was felt in the air. Protestors have been sparring with city riot control for the past 27 hours as angry and disgruntled consumers affected by the blockage in the Suez Canal vent their rage against the source of global economic turmoil. Overturned police vehicles lay scattered around the building, many ablaze. Bricks, molotovs, and Mountain Dew cans can be seen streaking through the night towards the building shadowed in the gloom of the many fires blazing in the streets.

The Ever Given, a massive container ship, veered off course in “high wind conditions” blocking off one of the major corridors in global economic logistics: The Suez Canal. Many Aliexpress Vibroblades are said to be caught in the massive logistical backlog, and as a result angering many consumers across the globe.

Representatives from Pearl Abyss Public Relations Division have been fighting on social media for over 48 hours now, following a leaked report. Hackers successfully gained access into the Suez Canal Company servers used to manage and provide navigation assistance for vessels traveling within the canal. To the shock of SpiceyVeldspar (the hacker claiming responsibility for the leaked report) he discovered that the Suez Company has been using an auto-piloting program purchased from Pearl Abyss to navigate billion ton vessels through the canal. Why they would use a program from a gaming company is still being speculated on.

“I almost spilled my G-Fuel across my desk when I came across the code”, SpiceyVeldspar told a reporter via TeamSpeak, as he wished to keep his face anonymous. “I almost ignored the code but the space_navigation_program_edited_v19.exe called out to me after I scanned through at least 200 Excel files filled with strange calculations and weirdly named commodities.”

It turns out that the innocuous program was direct from Pearl Abyss, and when demonstrated to the public on Morning Breakfast New Eden, the experts assembled showed how the program followed a waypoint system overlaid on a topographic map of the Suez Canal, with code names for critical points such as the Al Qantarah straight named Uedama, the Gulf of Suez labeled Mifrata among many other confusing names. One waypoint was only numbers and letters in the middle of the Sahara Desert to the shock of many experts. Strange secondary values next to each codename from -1.0 to 1.0 which has baffled experts around the globe.

Analysis by social media experts on Reddit found that ”a ‘simple option’ must have been selected” when the Suez Canal Company employee was operating the navigation program on the Ever Given, ending in disaster. One user, after looking at the hacked information concluded that the obvious cause must have been human error; the captain aboard the freighter must have selected “Prefer Shorter” in the program midway through the canal, which caused the container ship to turn sharply to a waypoint somewhere near Cairo.

As we all suffer the continued effects of this crisis, Suez Company employees continue to do their best to dislodge and get the Ever Given moving again.

In a memo to staff, Eve Onion News announced that we are now under new management. Over the last few months, a private investor took a keen interest in the Eve Onion and has negotiated for majority ownership via large sums of cash. Who is this mysterious patron? A little-known Icelandic philanthropist who goes by the name of Pilmar Hetursson. 

We have faithfully reproduced the memo in its entirety:

“Heya dorks! I sold out. Hahaha, it was a boatload of cash too. Anyways, there’s a new owner of Eve Onion. His name is Pilmar Hetursson or something like that, and he’s kinda sus but I don’t really care now. You all are under new management ‘cause I am out! I’ll read your stuff from my new yacht though, promise. ;)”

While we do not know much about Mr. Hetursson yet, we do have a public statement made shortly after acquiring the illustrious news source today.

“I’ve watched this newspaper’s career with great interest. I know that there is no better time than now to act on my dreams. As of this moment, all senior writers and staff are undergoing a rigorous re-education program I have designed specifically for these fine people. We are bringing in a new management and editorial team. No longer will Eve Onion be a source of mocking and stinging satirical ridicule over m-, erm, CCP’s running of Eve Online! No longer will we see their efforts taunted and our methods blamed. I vow to make Eve Onion News a respectable and worthwhile news organization without bias or disinformation, something like INN!”

We here at Eve Onion look forward to working with you, Mr. Hetursson!

Priorities are a funny thing. We think we know what’s important to us, and slot things into a relative priority order something like: food, shelter, clothing, family, friends, bombing gatecamps, badposting on /r/eve, sex, mining, etc.

It is not until priorities come into conflict that we discover what’s really important. The Ravinne children demand attention and Wingspan TT’s B274-hugging friends discover a golden wrench thrown into their works. Elections in the United States of America lead EU citizens to discover they have important and relevant opinions on US politics. The Space Pope is suddenly homeless, and returns to his roots running slaves and exotic dancers into interdicted systems. Mike Azariah discovers that chemo is…no…nevermind. The Magic School Bus keeps running, because being kind to others is always Mike’s priority. 

Jin’taan needs no introduction, and will receive none. If you’re unfamiliar with his contributions of solid content and controversy, you’re a poser and need to move on. This article is not for you.

So, where is he now, and why wasn’t he the lead commentator on WWB2? Why is EVE no longer his top priority?

Jin claims to be working hard and living without hot water or weed. He prioritizes getting to work on time and bathing over scrounging for weed and reporting on WWB2. How the mighty have fallen! To what depths of despair has our icon plummeted? This man’s priorities are entirely upside down.

Jin’threads’s penchant for style seems unchanged, so he is not entirely unhinged.

His workout duds are similarly Jin’-style.

Wait…workout clothes? References to the gym? Muscles? He’s still Jin’pasty, and not Jin’tan, but something is amiss. Jin’taan drops EVE and suddenly he’s back to work in Quality Engineering, looking buff, and “feeling cute” with no sign of “might delete later?” No complaints of the postal service weed delivery?

Perhaps all is not well. Let’s take a closer look at the “workout” photo.

Denyer street. 

Denyer is from the french “denier,” or money-minter.

Jin’taan is thus on money-maker street, as this incriminating image clearly reveals.

If Jin’taan is on money-maker street, then there’s only one reasonable explanation. Clearly, Jin’taan was paid off by PAPI to ensure The Imperium could not leverage Jin’s talent and reach to deliver the Imperium.news propaganda necessary for a moral victory. Jin’taan’s content drove innumerable innocents to The Imperium’s “news” site, and provided a veneer of credibility to their propaganda outlet.

So, where is he now? Jin’taan is on money-maker street, and UwU all the way to the bank.

After an agonizingly long wait they have finally been implemented: Reserve Bank Keys are now available to players! After being randomly doled out in special crates on SiSi for testing last month, the keys were implemented in a small patch this morning. Excited players today were greeted with a new, fancy launcher background and advertisement for the keys.

Yes, after a much anticipated wait by krabbers, small gangers, solo PvPers, and corp directors ready to cash in on huge payouts (a feature that truly brought everyone together for once) the keys have been dropped on the website for low, low prices! Crates of 1, 5, and 15 keys are available at €4.15 ($5.00), €12.59 ($15.00),  and €20.00 ($24.00) respectively. This also comes with the possibility of crate event sales and event login rewards. They do not, however, seem to be available to purchase for PLEX in-game. Instead, capsuleers will redeem them at stations much like SKINs.

In addition, Reserve Bank Key Crates are pirate redeemables that come in flairs of Sansha, Serpentis, Angel, Guristas, Blood Raider, and even Drone. The keys are black market items stolen by the unscrupulous agents of New Eden, and sold to capsuleers as revenge for the many foiled plots and fallen comrades in Anomalies. The Reserve Banks will take a little longer to infiltrate as they are more secure vaults with potentially big payouts. It will take a bold capsuleer 12 minutes to open a Reserve Bank, and only after the Main has been successfully stolen. This will give defenders ample time to respond and ensure plenty of exciting fights for the pirate-minded seeking content. 

At the time of reporting this there were already four Reddit threads concerning the keys, with the response being mixed-to-negative. In keeping with the ongoing theme of monetization over Quality of Life, there’s been a strong backlash from the community regarding keys, the likes of which had not been seen since the initial ESS changes. From solo pilots angry that such content generation comes at a premium to them, to alliance execs mad that their krabs are less likely to shill out for those sweet taxes, everyone feels strongly in some way about Bank Reserve Keys.