EVE players insist spending hours doing mind-numbingly boring labor isn’t work, but “fun”, despite having all the characteristics of the worst jobs on the planet.
It has been revealed that Negrul Voda, a hardcore EVE player, does not believe what he is doing is “work” despite spending eight hours a day, 40 hours a week looking at spreadsheets of market price fluctuations.
“It’s so much fun, this game. Last week I saw how the Caldari Drake went down by half a percent in value and I immediately took notice of the situation and bought as many of them as I could. The increase of zero point six percent in value ISK made me a solid return on investment of the price difference, minus the taxation costs and administrative labor. I just had to look at a price spreadsheet for a few hours and it was as easy as that.”
Psychologist Frank Nahome commented on the statement made by the EVE player by saying:
“A lot of players are under the impression that grueling shifts spent staring down spreadsheets, or hauling goods from one system to another for hours for what is literally pennies in real-life currency, is not real work.”
Another EVE player, A. Nagumo, told EVE onion: “I just can’t wait to come home from 8 hours of grueling work as a warehouse worker for Amazon to haul Asteros and frigates to null-sec for hours at a time for what would be literal pennies in real currency.”
When asked why he needs the ISK, if he has no time to spend it on exciting experiences, the player said:
“I have an omega subscription to pay, ISK losses from ganked ships I need to recoup. I don’t have time for that kind of thing. ISK isn’t made on trees, and I can’t default to Alpha you know.”
On 13 April 2021, CCP removed empty asteroid belts from space after having stripped them of asteroids several months earlier. Frustrated players were unsatisfied with CCP’s approach to mudflation, even though it was rumored this was a necessary step in the complete eradication of POS code in order to establish a more firm foundation upon which to build future enhancements.
Using POS code for asteroid belts was a “no brainer.” Asteroids were orbiting structures with which players could interact, and which players could destroy by applying specialized weapons. By leveraging the feature-rich Player Owned Starbase code, CCP was able to significantly reduce the time required for the June 2011 ‘Incarna’ release with improvements to the visual effects associated with mining lasers. Nobody had any idea how far the Cthulhu-esque tentacles of POS code would spread.
With asteroid belts fully detangled from POS code, CCP rolled out a patch on 14 September, 2021 that began the process of restoring asteroid belts to Null Security space.
Those changes had unexpected consequences.
When Naoki Yoshida tasked Hideyuki Kasuka with accelerating development of Final Fantasy XIV v2.0 in 2012, he wanted to target both Microsoft Windows and PlayStation 3. Of course, he looked at EVE Online. Hideyuki Kasuka’s friend CCP Redacted was an intern at CCP at the time on the project that would become Dust 514, and targeted the same platforms. The CCP intern, excited about the first draft of his new creation, labeled only “POS Code,” shared it with Kasuka one evening. The two spent hours drinking heavily while poring over just over 1 million lines of undocumented code delivering a deliciously broad feature set.
As development of FFXIV progressed, and pressed for time, Kusuka borrowed a few utility features from the POS code, fully intending to replace it soontm. Over the years, “Hideyuki Engineering Reference Objects” (HERO) code made itself useful time after time, while the task HERO CoRe (HERO Code Refactoring) never seemed to make it from the parking lot to the Kanban board.
In 2021, soontm finally arrived with a bang.
With asteroid belts extracted from POS code, the belt abstraction was retired, and asteroids became first class citizens, paving the way for improved asteroid mechanics sure to drive dozens of miners back into space. A cheer went up in CCP headquarters as 70% of tests went green, squeezing past the critical threshold. Aura’s voice came over the PA, proclaiming “Docking request accepted,” and announcing that a push to main had completed its DevOps journey to Tranquility.
A few hours later, a FFXIV test engineer scratched her head. Belts were broken. The situation escalated rapidly. A senior developer was called in, then a network engineer. The three racked their brains and pored over code. Tripwire showed belt code making a call to a remote server while calculating… something. Days later, they made the call: belts had to go.
When questioned about the situation, Anonymous Game Developer shrugged, grinned slyly, then said “we already stole all your players, we don’t need your code anymore.”
With the exciting news of a coming revitalized new player experience (dubbed AIR NPE by CCP), we at EVE Onion decided to collaboratively give our takes on the reveal post from CCP. In this article we have taken a screenshot of sections and give our takes on each, segment-by-segment. We’re happy to see EVE newbies get the tailored, fresh introduction to New Eden they deserve.
[Dyvinex] I thought plex was the lifeblood of EVE…
[Opus] I thought new players were for ganking relentless in high sec until they decided to quit the game…
[TheDuck] I thought salty tears were the lifeblood of EVE, whether frustrated vets, 3-day old pilots who skilled into the hull of a battleship and can’t figure out why dramiels keep killing their ‘invincible’ ships, or the lone miner who sits there for hours in a venture and afterward has their hauler ganked while aligning to Jita 4-4 “for the lols”….just to go back to the system and start up the Miner I’s in their Venture sobbing quietly but stalwartly into their Monster drink so they can make their meticulously spreadsheet-calculated ISK quota for today, now risk-adjusted for hauler ganks.
[Erutor] We are confident that by setting the expectation that EVE Online consists of a series of compelling story driven experiences, new capsuleers will wander about in space looking for the next story hub. This will “introduce” those capsuleers to veteran players and provide the opportunity to develop the seething thirst for revenge necessary to ensure their first PLEX purchase.
[Erutor] “Step 3: Purchase PLEX” – this is an essential skill best learned early in one’s capsuleer experience.
[Dyvinex] I was told players who got ganked had a higher retention rate. CCP should just hire CODE. to improve the NPE.
[TheDuck] CCP was quick to learn that ‘hope’ is neither a tactic nor a strategy upon which one may gamble one’s fiscal outlook.
[Opus] Isn’t reddit the sole source of information on how and why players play and understand the narrative of EVE Online?
[TheDuck] In October, membership will increase by what can only be statistically categorized as random chance, but declare a success nonetheless. In November, membership will resume its downward spiral, not unlike Pearl Abyss shares, or the hopes and dreams of those left at CCP.
[Erutor] Biomasses character on SISI to create an empty slot. “NEW FEATURE! Characters created on SISI will be mirrored to TQ. In the case of a conflict between character slots, the character most recently created will persist.”
[Dyvinex] I have to log into SISI? Pass.
[Opus] SInce when does CCP do their testing on the test server?
[Aiko] This seems like a scam.
[Dyvinex] Aura: “Hey, you, you’re finally awake. You were trying to cross the border into Solitude…”
[Erutor] … they will meet and be betrayed by Aura, their ~~trusty ~~AI companion, who will regularly remind players to engage autopilot.
[TheDuck] While exiting the game, players pass through the various stages of grief, exhibiting signs of Stockholm Syndrome, desperate to preserve their sanity yet, like a moth to a flame, ambling with zombie-like intent back to their gooey pods.
[TheDuck] The fresh take on desperate flailing exhibited through random ‘features’ and ‘offerings’ while membership plummets, resembling nothing like purpose or context, is sheer coincidence.
[Dyvinex] ‘Careful introspection’? This is where that starts? So does this mean we get Avatar Cat Ears soonTM?
[Erutor] We estimate that the expectation of purpose and context trigger individuals on the Autism spectrum to associate their own lack of purpose and context with their lack of ISK and skill points. Details on SP discounts for NPE participants to follow.
[Dyvinex] So they’re… implementing some sort of graph to help players with development? What dev has the players do the w- oh, right.
[Erutor] Theta clone subscribers will find the nodegraph editor in their Utilities menu, where they can define their own nodegraphs. These nodegraphs may be executed by fitting a Bio-Obsolescence Technology module to any Marauder-class ship or any ship with the BOT Slot activated (42 PLEX in the store now!), and installing the nodegraph script.
[Erutor] More dynamic visuals will ensure players lose control of their ships in the middle of combat and increase destruction by 22.8%. This will encourage new players to experience the recently improved(tm) industry experience.
[Erutor] spoiler The gradual UI reveal includes a randomized encounter with Aura in the shower. The nodegraph for this encounter includes several opportunities for proximity-triggered interactions. We anticipate this will improve replayability of the NPE. Some players may choose to simply replay this encounter repeatedly if they’re looking for a 2 minute play-session without consequences or commitment.
[TheDuck] Why fix it when you can slap a fresh coat of paint on it and call it “New and Improved!” ?
[Aiko] The new video integration showing me boarding a ship was very helpful in teaching me that I am in a spaceship.
[TheDuck] As this chart clearly shows, you wander aimlessly from point to point while the background changes….and nothing else.
[Dyvinex] Is this… Supposed to help new players be less confused? I’m more confused looking at this than before.
[Dyvinex] Please, oh please, let that first hyperlink be to r/eve.
[TheDuck] Ultimately, the goal of this revitalized new player journey is to bring the thrill and joy of EVE to as many people as possible — we’ll let you know we find either.
[Dyvinex] Maybe the EVE Academy will more efficiently teach new players to connect to hisec mining corps with Orca boosts and low mining tax!
[Erutor] Wait… offramps? So the idea is to make new players hate the game and exit immediately? This is amazeballs – it took me years to get to the point that I realized how much I hate most of this game!
[Akio] Yeah the offramps thing struck me as odd too, like “wheeeeee I’m a new player, time to log off!”.
The last few weeks have been a political and military disaster for PAPI leaders as their early and sudden withdrawal from the warzone ahead of their troops left a vacuum that Imperium forces rapidly filled. Within hours many PAPI controlled systems and structures were reinforced, and the ensuing carnage has been described as “astounding” as structures fell and evacuation convoys from Delve were repeatedly attacked. Due to logistical errors in navigation, many capital vessels were lost in the rushed withdrawal, with pilot error being the chief reason cited by PAPI generals. However, in an unprecedented show of humanitarianism, Goon Command has announced they will not target reporters in or around the warzone.
The conflict that was reaching its second year in Delve resulted in mass casualties for both sides, but the razing of Imperium systems and structures was unlike any seen in recent history. For this destruction the Imperium swore retribution against PAPI combined forces. The retribution began early and swift, no structures or evacs spared from the wrath of the invaded. EVE Onion has reported on the invasion since the early days, attempting to provide unbiased articles for the benefit of all capsuleers. In recognition of the important, neutral role of Onion contributors and staff, Brisc Rubal provided us with this official statement:
With that we at the Onion are grateful, if not in agreement, and will proudly continue our efforts to bring unbiased reporting and opinion on the developments around New Eden. From Delve to Outer Passage, we will be steadfast in our duties, unburdened by fears of retribution. We would like to thank all parties for recognizing the importance of unbiased reporting, and especially to Brisc Rubal for his direct statement to EVE Onion.
I hate you, you miserable wretch. You are so bad at this game. You never accomplished anything of interest or significance. All you do is follow other people, better people, and you aren’t even good at that. They carry you, but you are just deadweight. Everybody thinks you are an idiot. In fact, you are actually a moron, in real life. I’ve seen your terrible posting and all the stupid things you say. LoL. Look at your killboard. You are trash. I’m gonna come after, and I’m gonna destroy you. Go ahead, swipe your credit card and see what happens.
Hahahaha.
You didn’t think I’d come after you, did you? Look at you now, I bet you are scared. Hahahaha. Go ahead, respond in local. EPIC SALT. OMG. I’m taking screenshots. I’m live streaming your tears. I’m laughing at you so hard right now. Let me tell you, I’ve been playing this game a long time, and I’ve seen a lot of try-hard losers like you. It always ends the same. Look at your killboard. It’s gonna be red forever. You are an insignificant pleb. Some day, you will think about me, and I won’t even remember destroying you.
Xaxaxaxaxa.
I’ve got you now. Did you really think you could defeat me? ME? I will have you know, that there will be laughing at you on Reddit, and Twitch, and Youtube videos with epic music. This is your fate. You did this to yourself. Just look at your killboard. It’s gonna be the same color as local. There’s no escape. You might as well just logoff. Make sure to biomass on your way out. I’d ask for all your stuff, but you are so poor that it doesn’t even matter. Why are you still here?
Wtf?
It’s such a shit game really, the mechanics are total trash, and CCP always fucks with stuff they don’t understand. I clearly outplayed you in every way, like you don’t even understand how bad you are, but whatever. Unlike you, I don’t really care. I’ve got a real-life, and this is just a game. I’ve seen all those toxic posts and videos that you made. People like you are killing the game, this is why nobody wants to play anymore. I’m just here to have fun, and create content. Unlike you, I’m willing to actually accept a little risk and take some chances, but look how scared you were. You had to summon all your loser friends. Someday you are gonna look at your killboard and regret wasting your life on a video game. Go take a shower you no-life basement dweller. I’m gonna go outside, get some fresh air.
CCP thrilled their EVE Online player-base with a much anticipated announcement video last week. After being canceled for two years due to budget and manpower constraints, the game devs are bringing back the much-adored and sorely missed Alliance Tournament! However, there are some changes to the rules this time around that are sure to spice things up and ensure the comeback AT is the most pleasing yet.
The official news article listed several details about the upcoming November Alliance Tournament including bringing back AT ships of the past as prizes, changes to the support of the event, Skins, and more. The news, broken with a 24-hour pre-hyped announcement video, was well-received by dozens of enthusiasts who have long awaited another shot at glory. There were some less pleased with the news, however, mainly voiced on Reddit. They argue now is not the time for such “bread and circus” when the player count is declining and the economy is in shambles.
Surely to fire up both sides of the AT aisle, CCP has announced a plot twist on the official forums. This AT will be unlike any other: once teams have registered, elimination round contestants besides the team Captain will be entered into a lottery and then be randomly assigned to a team. Each elimination round will proceed after the teams are randomly reassigned. This ensures captains and members really stay on their toes and adapt, and will provide entertainment for those tuning in! This change may shock the tens of players who resubbed for the tournament, but it may just prove to be what’s needed to kick things up a notch after such a long hiatus for the official AT.
I don’t like all the violent PvP nonsense that ‘modern’ society imposes upon CCP’s vision of the future. EVE Online is more than just a computer game, it is a statement about where we want to be in another twenty millenia. Do we really want to be squabbling like a bunch of children, bickering over veldspar. Are we mere primitives, who kill each other over trivial PI commodities? Aren’t we better than this?
CCP has given us a choice. On the one hand, we can continue moving toward a dystopian future in which space terrorists are free to massacre and kill at will. A future in which capsuleers cast a pall of fear and terror. On the other hand, we could move toward a better tomorrow, in which the progressive forces of harmony are allowed to resonate across the galaxy. In such a future, capsuleers would be hailed as heroes, much like modern day social workers.
The revisionist forces of virulent internet fascism seek to spread their trollish culture across New Eden, laughing with bemusement as peaceful miners and industrialists are murdered in cold blood. However, some of us have started to fight back. On the test server, Singularity, we are creating a new society which is built upon mutual goodwill and a desire to promote the common good. We frequently run mining fleets which are free from griefer guild harassment, and we share the profits equally amongst all. There are even a few individuals who for whatever reason are unable to join fleets, and we nevertheless give them a fair share, because it is not our place to cast judgment upon others. Every member of the community is valued, and none are left behind.
I have recently been in talks with CCP, and representatives from Pearl Abyss, to discuss how we might best introduce our peaceful ways into the barbarian wastelands of the so-called ‘Tranquility’ server. One of the best ideas has been the idea of the Ore Pack. Currently, miners are forced to obtain ore by warping to a belt, where they are almost immediately set upon by rabid PvP basement dwellers. Driven into a frenzy, these wild-eyed ruffians fail to even consider the possibility of economic collaboration, and they begin shooting wildly as if they themselves were an NPC rat. Fortunately, the Ore Pack will solve this problem, once and for all.
I’m pleased to announce that, in partnership with the Sisters of EVE, mercy is at hand for all who are oppressed by no-life space bully losers. For just $15 a month, CCP will deliver directly to your hangar a shipment of vital ores. To add a little excitement, each shipment has been randomized, and a few lucky winners will find their hangar filled to the brim with exotic specimens and rare ‘gold’ minerals. For an additional $5 per month, you will also receive a unique free fully researched blueprint. If you sign onto the premium plan, with a six month subscription, you can also conduct PI without leaving your hangar. NPC haulers will bring commodities to you, and all items will be fully insured.
In a tumultuous turn of events, it appears that beloved Brave Newbies personality, Dunk Dinkle, has been exposed as a secret leader of Goonswarm and a possible replacement for The Mittani. Rumors have circulated for several years that Dunk Dinkle enjoyed hanging out with the Bees, but a pile of photographic evidence has recently been unearthed that proves Mr. Dinkle is not just a sympathizer, but an actual handler, of the bees!
As you can see here, Dunk Dinkle is pictured commanding thousands of little bees, and is even training them to accept a new commander.
He has even been photographed receiving benefits and kickbacks from his efforts within the organization. Hinting at the importance of his role.
Mr. Dinkle’s actions indicate that he is in a leadership position, possibly in complete control of at least a large portion of the organization. This has led some to speculate that perhaps he is positioning himself as the spiritual successor to the aging supreme leader, The Mittani.
We have heard shock and outrage from the community over this betrayal of the Brave Newbies family, though Brave Newbies senior leadership has yet to comment on the developing scandal.
As COVID-19 restrictions ease across most of the regions most heavily populated by EVE players, CCP struggles to deal with unanticipated consequences.
Accustomed to “working from home” while playing EVE full time, many EVE players have been forced to return to work in the office, reducing their available play time by an average of 60%. Many players are sublimating their disappointment with their work situation into rage against EVE Online and CCP. With less time to play, industry, incomes, and destruction all plummeted as a consequence of reduced play time, feeding Summer of Rage II. The Peak Concurrent User count steps backwards off the EVE learning cliff, feeding fears that when the Delta or Lambda variants of COVID-19 finally arrive and lockdowns resume, there will be only a skeleton crew of bots remaining in New Eden.
The rage is not constrained to the player base. CCP developers are also called back into work from the office. While CCP management celebrates the “opportunity” to return, and celebrates the “fun” they will have now that they are “all together again,” many developers are reportedly rather salty. “Oh, nice… we are locked in the house with nothing to do but play Among Us while dealing with months of dark, cold, and people asking if we’re safe from the volcanic activity, and now that Iceland’s beautiful summer is upon us we’re being dragged back into the office,” an anonymous developer complained. When asked about EVE play time, the developer responded awkwardly “Oh, no, there’s no point in doing that until… well, anyway, NDA, you know.”
CCP executive leadership offered this statement in response to discontent:
In order to keep up with the rising costs of managing an online fake news website, CEO OpusMagnum has made the executive decision to fire all staff, effective immediately. In place of thinking, mentally sound, mostly sober authors attempting to satirize the news and events of Eve Online, Eve Onion will now just focus on everything that is said on the Eve-related podcast, Talking In Stations, and then reprint it in text format.
Having heard the recent TiS episodes, it is no surprise that the Eve Onion is moving in this direction.
“I think this is a groundbreaking idea,” said OpusMagnum. “Rather than pay people to use their brains to think, reason, and communicate humorously, we can just not do that and save money. The more mistakes CCP makes, the more Matterall gets unhinged defending them. His every word has basically become the foundation of fake news and satire.”
Since Talking in Stations fills the needs of Eve Onion so perfectly, the news site will be able to operate with a small core team, consisting of a single person to do all the transcribing, editing, photoshop artwork, copy review, publishing, website maintenance, and advertising, and OpusMagnum, to take all the revenue and credit.
