Local Isk Doubler Ken Moen announced publicly today that after twenty-two years of successfully giving back to the community, he would be retiring to the recently vacated region of Fountain. Coining the phrase “RISK = ISK” and tastefully exploiting a loophole in Caldari tax laws under a donation’s clause, Moen was able to build an empire.

Turning to the gathered crowd to answer questions, a quiet hush came over the assembly. Moen was asked why he had been carrying a bounty of well over four hundred billion isk for years from “satisfied customers”, he chuckled nervously and simply stated that he “had everything he needed in Jita” and had no need nor reason, in the last eight years, to undock while providing his services. “Instead”, Moen further explained that he had “established a vast network from his satisfied customers and had even offered to double things that were not isk”. At one point, Moen was doubling Scientists, Survivors, Tourists and other such livestock for not one but four major governments in an attempt to solve galactic hunger, only to find out later that his doubling efforts were in vain; Corvette class ships were simply running off with the excess and hiding it away to consume later. It’s been said in local chat channels that Moen has “198 problems, but ISK isn’t one” when it came to simply handing out the billions upon billions of ISK to any and all that purchased his service.

Moen has already purchased not one, but two wonderful acid-ocean beach front properties previously used by local celebrity The Mittani to host expensive men-only cocktail parties on a dock made exclusively from tackle fit frigates. He did not mention the second property, but it is assumed to be like the first, but larger.

Reviewing his colourful history in the business of spontaneously producing twice of whatever he’s been given, he revealed two regrets. Unfortunately, the conference was cut short by a seething tide of satisfied customers looking to tap into Moen’s skillset one last time.

The lights at CCP Games in Reykjavik, Iceland were knocked out for hours after their power was disrupted by a masked man using what local authorities are calling a “sonic screwdriver-type device”. This incident comes just weeks after the Council of Stellar Management VII (CSM) member Aryth of Goonswarm Federation within the Imperium Alliance inside EVE Online introduced several CCP employees to the “metagame” of EVE Online over dinner while attending the CSM Summit. The very dinner that Aryth is self credited with flipping-off CSM member The Judge, a diplomat of Circle of Two alliance. The physical evidence is slim, but many believe that Aryth himself or an agent of the Imperium carried out the power outage to properly introduce the entire CCP organization to a demonstration of the high level meta game play that happens within and outside their own game.

CCP Games’ PR and social media lead, CCP Manifest who works in the Atlanta, GA offices released a statement shortly after all staff members were confirmed safe: “Thankfully, no employees were physically injured during the orderly and prompt evacuation of CCP headquarters following the then unknown cause of the power outage”. Manifest did go on to say, “There were some minor data loses which involved new structure code, but that it will not affect the winter update as we will use some legacy code to patch the holes“, and that “we are working with local law enforcement outside the game, and in-game our very own security analyst CCP Peligro will be conducting an in-game investigation to locate the perpetrators”.

An insider for EVE Onion did report that CCP Plant, CCP Chair, and CCP Pen were trapped inside a locked room. Thankfully, the quick thinking of CCP Guard and with use of an object called “The Ban Hammer”, Guard quickly made an exit hole for the honorary CCP staffers to continue on to safety.

Too many questions, but too few answers is the phrase everyone is reiterating to sum up this incident.

We here at EVE Onion can say with some certainty that CCP Games has just become part of their very own creation, and wish to welcome CCP Games to the very real and ever increasing immersive reality of EVE Online’s high level geopolitical gameplay we call the Meta Game.