The primary space station in PR-8CA has become a beacon of hope for the masses of low-skilled, unemployed workers around the Delve sector. Most have come with hopes of long-term careers in the shipyards, where construction of vast numbers of starships has created demand for cheap, expendable laborers. However, many of them will be lured into the ranks of crew members aboard Goonswarm naval vessels, the promise of good pay and a chance to travel among the stars too good to pass up. The average civilian in New Eden will rarely travel outside his or her home system, let alone outside of their sector.

We spoke with Conrad, an energetic young man who had this to say about the Goon Navy:

“The insurance policy is really good; I can rest assured that my family will be taken care of if the worst should happen.” His smile grew wider as he gestured to a pamphlet clutched in his other hand. “But the recruiter says I’m far more likely to get the bonus pay for being a crew member on a ship that gets at least 5 kills.” Conrad seemed confident that the Goon Navy had long term promise as he gazed longingly out the view port at the sleek starships gliding away from the station’s docking bay. “I might get a chance to serve aboard a Jackdaw-class Destroyer,” he confided. “Supposedly, they have an unparalleled combat record. Never been lost with all hands, the recruiter said. Always gives as good as they get.”

We decided it was for the best to not correct the eager young man, as Goon security officers were beginning to eye us meaningfully. Moving further into the vast meeting room, we found another group of potential recruits chatting animatedly amongst themselves. “I’ve been put on the short list to be a gunner aboard a Maelstrom-class Battleship,” a young man named Donovan exclaimed. “I’ll be firing shells the size of the shuttle we flew up here on!” “Pssshh, whatever,” his friend Tomlason scoffed. “The recruiter told me I’m a prime candidate to serve on the new supercarrier that’s leaving dry-dock in a week! It’s fighters would rip apart your battleship without even trying.”

The debate raged on as our reporting crew pushed further into the throngs of hopeful young and middle-aged civilians, clamoring for a place to serve aboard the mighty warships of the Goon fleet. We stopped for a few minutes to listen to a recruiter giving a speech from his booth. “Men and women are given equal opportunities aboard all vessels in our proud Coalition,” the man promised with a voice both proud and regal. “Right now, you have the potential to make your fortune aboard a fast light frigate, and return home in less than a month!” The crowd gave a cheer at the news of such a possibility. “Each crew member gets a share of bounties earned when your ship earns a kill against a well-known criminal. Each crew member gets a share of ISK earned when valuable cargo is seized from enemy vessels. You can be set to retire at the ripe old age of 21, if your ship returns to dock here with 250 million ISK in her hold!”

Jaws dropped open among the crowd of listeners at the sound of such an astronomical fortune. The hopeful crewers whispered together, considering the possibilities such a fast and deadly ship offered. They weren’t complete fools; the frigate class vessels were known to be deathtraps, even among the civilians that weren’t as familiar with the military records. Legends had been told of the dozens of frigates that had simply vanished during large engagements, vaporized by the massive firepower wielded by the titanic ships of the line. It would be a gamble, to be sure, but one that might pay off if their captain was skilled.

In one corner, the Miner’s Guild was convincing another group of onlookers that the real wealth lay within the vast asteroid belts in their own sector.  “In one week’s worth of hard work, our miners pull in enough ore to build twenty of those carriers out there,” the main recruiter said. His face was rough and lined from years of working in the harsh environment of ore holds and mining laser maintenance bays. “Better yet, we don’t have to stick our necks out just because some paper pusher wants to get hisself a bigger piece of vacuum to call his. We carve the good stuff out of the rock, and we get paid. Simple as that. Medical, dental, accident insurance, you’re all covered. Just sign here and here.”
A line had formed, with a rough-looking group of hopefuls all looking for a chance at a simple life of mining. Likely, they would have been laughed out of the line for the combat jobs, more than anything. The Mining Guilds didn’t give a damn about a criminal record, as long as you had a pulse.

We knew the real story. Looking around at the sea of faces, all simply hoping for a better life and maybe a chance for excitement, we could only shake our heads and slowly march back towards the docking bays. So many of these hopeful, earnest civilians would become space debris within days. The vast armadas of the Legion waited in the void, and the void was cold and unforgiving. On the far side of the station, rows of ships lined the drydocks, gaping holes in their sides, leaking plasma from drive sections, some barely able to limp home. The way was still raging out among the stars, and the Coalition simply needed warm bodies to keep the war machine moving forward.

Maybe one day, there would be peace.

In a stunning turn of events, /r/eve’s premier commentator, Chevis Preston, has not only become a moderator, but has announced his candidacy for CSM. “I intend to bring the CSM to a new level of transparency and integrity,” Chevis announced. “I have a plan though, to rise above the rest next year. I swore to it that I would win, but, since then, I have refined my goal… I don’t want to win, I want to hit new heights.” (reference)

In addition to humanitarian missions to impoverished regions, Chevis has also been known to gift a “Good Posting Guide” to needy capsuleers. “EVE Online is all about the community, and high quality social media posts are the lynch pin of that community,” Chevis opined, “without quality posts, we have no memes to become dreams, and that’s not good enough.”

EVE luminary Gorski Carr gave his seal of approval to Chevis’s early announcement, declaring “You have a new mission!” Chance Ravinne and his 31 alts are rumored to be in conversation with Chevis about taking on WINGSPAN Delivery Services as a corporate sponsor of his candidacy, and early indications (including Chevis saying nice things on a /u/wingspantt thread) are that these negotiations are progressing well. Chevis has taken a conciliatory approach with other critics, offering clarifying comments, and even going so far as to offer apologies for misunderstandings or perceived bias.

Local Isk Doubler Ken Moen announced publicly today that after twenty-two years of successfully giving back to the community, he would be retiring to the recently vacated region of Fountain. Coining the phrase “RISK = ISK” and tastefully exploiting a loophole in Caldari tax laws under a donation’s clause, Moen was able to build an empire.

Turning to the gathered crowd to answer questions, a quiet hush came over the assembly. Moen was asked why he had been carrying a bounty of well over four hundred billion isk for years from “satisfied customers”, he chuckled nervously and simply stated that he “had everything he needed in Jita” and had no need nor reason, in the last eight years, to undock while providing his services. “Instead”, Moen further explained that he had “established a vast network from his satisfied customers and had even offered to double things that were not isk”. At one point, Moen was doubling Scientists, Survivors, Tourists and other such livestock for not one but four major governments in an attempt to solve galactic hunger, only to find out later that his doubling efforts were in vain; Corvette class ships were simply running off with the excess and hiding it away to consume later. It’s been said in local chat channels that Moen has “198 problems, but ISK isn’t one” when it came to simply handing out the billions upon billions of ISK to any and all that purchased his service.

Moen has already purchased not one, but two wonderful acid-ocean beach front properties previously used by local celebrity The Mittani to host expensive men-only cocktail parties on a dock made exclusively from tackle fit frigates. He did not mention the second property, but it is assumed to be like the first, but larger.

Reviewing his colourful history in the business of spontaneously producing twice of whatever he’s been given, he revealed two regrets. Unfortunately, the conference was cut short by a seething tide of satisfied customers looking to tap into Moen’s skillset one last time.

The lights at CCP Games in Reykjavik, Iceland were knocked out for hours after their power was disrupted by a masked man using what local authorities are calling a “sonic screwdriver-type device”. This incident comes just weeks after the Council of Stellar Management VII (CSM) member Aryth of Goonswarm Federation within the Imperium Alliance inside EVE Online introduced several CCP employees to the “metagame” of EVE Online over dinner while attending the CSM Summit. The very dinner that Aryth is self credited with flipping-off CSM member The Judge, a diplomat of Circle of Two alliance. The physical evidence is slim, but many believe that Aryth himself or an agent of the Imperium carried out the power outage to properly introduce the entire CCP organization to a demonstration of the high level meta game play that happens within and outside their own game.

CCP Games’ PR and social media lead, CCP Manifest who works in the Atlanta, GA offices released a statement shortly after all staff members were confirmed safe: “Thankfully, no employees were physically injured during the orderly and prompt evacuation of CCP headquarters following the then unknown cause of the power outage”. Manifest did go on to say, “There were some minor data loses which involved new structure code, but that it will not affect the winter update as we will use some legacy code to patch the holes“, and that “we are working with local law enforcement outside the game, and in-game our very own security analyst CCP Peligro will be conducting an in-game investigation to locate the perpetrators”.

An insider for EVE Onion did report that CCP Plant, CCP Chair, and CCP Pen were trapped inside a locked room. Thankfully, the quick thinking of CCP Guard and with use of an object called “The Ban Hammer”, Guard quickly made an exit hole for the honorary CCP staffers to continue on to safety.

Too many questions, but too few answers is the phrase everyone is reiterating to sum up this incident.

We here at EVE Onion can say with some certainty that CCP Games has just become part of their very own creation, and wish to welcome CCP Games to the very real and ever increasing immersive reality of EVE Online’s high level geopolitical gameplay we call the Meta Game.