“We know times are tough” said Robert Industry’s Chris R. Robert at this month’s sprawling EVE festival, live in Vegas. “Like EVE, we intended to launch our game in early 2003 but found ourselves met with opposition and struggle. Nearly two decades and almost a billion dollars, we’re in a better position than ever to support our brothers and sisters. As such, we fully intend to pick up where CCP left off and support Captain’s Quarters and Walking in Stations, should our bids for the system go through.”

At the time of writing, CCP was unavailable to comment as he was last seen prowling the various gambling halls and drunkenly flirting with the various women he encountered. When pressed for a statement about the aging and discontinued subsystem of EVE Online, he simply stated “They don’t make ‘em like this in Iceland” to a nearby waitress, before receiving a rather off-putting stare.

Following Robert around proved to be a more engaging affair, as flocks of EVE pilots busied themselves learning as much as they could about this new and engaging I.P, though most of what was revealed was either already known or likely never to be seen to fruition.

“Ship aging? Yeah, that’s live right now. Already done. Millions of players per instance? Done and done. Going to have over twelve million star systems available for colonization at launch and double that every month for the first sixteen years.” Robert continued unhindered and unhinged throughout the event, listing things to the wide-eyed crowd which often prompted gasps. “Got moon mining too. Just blow the thing up and throw some ropes around the rocks. Haul ‘em back to a refinery or something. Zero-G infantry combat, pop your head out the hatch and just shoot the alien bastards hanging off the side of your ride. All the good stuff is already done.”

“That sounds incredible” I heard muttered nearby, a man clutching his chest as if the breath was about to be stolen from him at any moment. Robert wasn’t stopping there, though. “It’s really nothing. With today’s technology we’ve got it all rigged up so…oh yeah, you can totally play pacifist too. Buy a space cruise ticket and just walk around a space cruise ship, look out the windows and relax on deck while sipping space martinis and listening to the Martian band play the latest hits from one of the millions of systems nearby. The complete experience, my friends!”

On and on Robert rambled much to my amazement, though further and further off track until someone from the growing EVE crowd jarred him from his stupor with a simple question: “So what about dying in Star Citizen? Do you respawn? What’s the point of paying for insurance with real money?” Robert genuinely looked stumped. A long pause, a careful stammer as he tried to shift his glance back and forth to find an escape route. “I…uh.” Sweat visibly beading across his forehead, there wasn’t anything he had to say about that. By now, Robert’s bodyguards had gone to work dismissing the hungry crowd as more questions were shouted at the estranged developer who was quickly whisked away to his private Vanuatu island (as his Pacific Palisades mansion was undergoing its fifth renovation this year) retreat, paid for by the residual profits of his blockbuster movies (including such hits as “Wing Commander” in which he retcon nearly everything in his own games for no clear reason.)

It is unlikely we’ll see Robert again at an EVE-centric event, though his continued support for the game and its community proves to be heart-warming in these dark times.

Star Citizen is currently slated for a late 2015 release date.

Traun System—After spending the better part of his Sunday camping a high security wormhole connection, a member of WiNGSPAN Delivery Services finally got the kill he was waiting for. “There were a couple times when I doubted my strategy, but I kept my focus and my patience was rewarded. I knew I would get someone eventually,” the player, who wished to remain anonymous was heard quoting, “Once I heard the hole activation, I waited a full minute until his cloak timer wore off; then I was able to slowboat towards him without him warping off, point him and kill him with drones.”

The victim—who did not comment—was apparently flying an exploration-fit Stabber with both rail and projectile weapons, along with a puzzling full complement of cargo expanders in the low slots. While the player was able to celebrate his kill, he did have some regrets. “I was definitely feeling the high of a successful hunt, but once I saw the killmail come through, I immediately jumped into high sec and warped off. I left my Federation Navy Ogres behind and pretty sure I forgot to pod him. Although maybe I did? I’m not sure, I’ll have to check.”

EVE Onion news was able to see the killmail and verify that the pilot’s claims were indeed correct, and the kill was valued at just under 14 million ISK. The anonymous pilot did also confirm that during his hunt, he witnessed a fleet of Enyos from Mouth Trumpet, two Asteros from Of Sound Mind, and a singular Hurricane Fleet Issue belonging to Hard Knocks come through but avoided being detected.

This week:

Henzo “The High Security Ice Field Ganker” Enecha

Henzo spends most of his time prowling the various icicle fields of Amarr space looking to keep the area clear of bots and other miscreants that would waste the public resources. Using a complex system of identification, he eventually settles on a target that does not have drones deployed (as this would give the bot a kill mail) and that they’re not properly tanked up in high security. Henzo serves his community both as a warning to those who would bot, and also as a swift and valuable lesson to those who assume they’re safe behind the watchful eyes of CONCORD.

Remember, CONCORD is not here to protect you, but to punish violators to the full extent of galactic law.

Keep up the good work, Henzo!

Roxxen “Devoid Desperado” Norato

Roxxen has been managing a corp for a while now. Some might call him a bean counter, but for most of the day Roxxen is actually out mining with his fleet or sometimes even all alone with his ‘fleet’ of drones. Unless the pirates show up, of course! Watch out Roxxen!

Life on the island of Mili in the middle of lowsec space can be rough and without a kill to their name, BSC does their best to keep their citadel floating as the lone beacon of hope in the otherwise ‘devoid’ region. Roxxen has hobbies besides mining and getting blown up though; occasionally he attempts to unite fellow neutral forces in Mili to join minor coalitions which usually disband a week or two later. That’s not to say Roxxen has no friends. He has his drones and his corp, and that’s more than a lot of people!

Keep on truckin’, Roxxen!

What are you up to in EVE online?

Send us your stories and you might be featured on the Eve Onion!

Earlier this month, the dramatic unfoldings of a true internet war resounded across the metaverse, culminating in the bait and switch of one of Eve Online’s greatest citadels and the thousands of space faring citizens within. That much is well known and watched in real time through a variety of portals, but primarily Twitch TV.

What isn’t so well known, is that Hulu has since acquired the exclusive rights to air the trial of The Judge, as hosted by The Court with The Jury and The Executor, who may (or may not) have been banned for speaking out of line himself. For perhaps millions, this event will be the only real justice granted to them for their remarkably poor twist of fate, but only if The Judge submits himself before The Court, which many do not believe is likely to happen.

The Jury was unavailable to comment as relayed to me by The Court, although changing sessions at all might cause a disconnect. And so the waiting game begins with more and more people placing bets on whether or not The Judge will even show for his own trial. A quick review of The Judges’
twitter feed reveals a few startling facts, the most important of which has The Judge leaning more on the Netflix side of the spectrum, thus making him unlikely to support Hulu and its commercialized advertisement marketing scheme.

Full Disclosure: Eve Onion is entirely funded by users and has no corporate interests.

I was lucky enough to encounter on Twitter, by complete chance the developer known as “CCP”. The sole creative mind behind the hit online game “Eve Online”, CCP has busied himself over the years—in the hopes of enticing investors—with side-project vampire games and the occasional tech demo (jokingly referred to in-house as “walking simulators”). Unfortunately, none of these have ever caught on with the fickle, slow-to-change crowds that inhabit the glacially-slow Icelandic space-world of Eve Online, leaving CCP to dwell—perhaps too much—on the current state of his sprawling space opera and its citizens.

Last Tuesday, during a ranting bout on a popular social media platform, CCP was quoted as, “unhappy with the Machariel”, and “unlikely to continue if things just keep going like this”. He has voiced various opinions about the Machariel’s unquestioned ability to completely “wreck house” and “bring in the big money” for those with “a big enough pair to fly one of these suckers”, but this was the first time in recent history CCP had something somewhat negative to say about the spacecraft, judging by his Twitter account’s page. Firing off a direct message to the clearly distraught and notoriously hands-off developer, I quickly arranged a meeting half way around the world with the elusive one-man team,arriving the next day.

“You know”, CCP quietly muttered to me as I leaned in to hear what followed, practically hugging the frosty coffeehouse table that separated me from the glassy, far-off stare that was distinct to those who spend far too much time indoors, “I really hate the Machariel. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. I had been reading all these Chinese forums and trying to translate the corp names in Serenity. I just figured I’d throw something together that looked like Mass Effect’s Normandy. Those Asians love Mass Effect, right?” By now, I was mildly confused and considered the intoxication of this man; he worked from home and could drink whenever and as much as he wanted. He had designed a full-freedom-do-whatever-you-want video game after all. All my worries were brushed aside (or perhaps “further enhanced”) when he produced a boot flask to unscrew and swig in full view of the coffeehouse.

“The current meta blows”, he rambled on, despite my skeptical and potentially off-putting stare. “No one even wants to try out my Tech Three stuff. They park them in high security hangars and just let ’em rot. Now that’s an idea…”. This concerned me greatly as, although I’ve never actually played Eve, I knew full well that any concepts by this man, in this state, did not bode well for those who spent every waking moment building their space sandcastles. What he said next could potentially be a typhoon to these player’s beaches, and as sweat beaded on my brow, he continued unfazed.

“Flipping hangar ownership. Like. Hear me out”. The slurring; the far-off stare; everything coming together to hint that this clearly wasn’t the best idea, as he continued regardless of my revulsion. “Okay, say we get rid of NPC stations in null. No no, let’s make them so that you can capture them. So, the one safe place these wackos get to park their precious battleships gets taken away. That’ll really make ’em fight for it, right?” I’d like to take this moment to further clarify that, at no point during this conversation had I agreed to be a part of CCP’s development process and the Eve Onion is merely the finest reporting source. We do not condone, nor suggest, tampering with CCP’s clearly boundless creative process and the thoughts therein. “So all those damn Machariels can go slug it out with whatever the slug-shaped siegeboat whatever they’re using to snipe POS… screw it, let’s just get rid of those as well.” I had to quickly reach across the table to steady the man before me, flask in hand, barely hanging onto the table as onlookers were stopping to stare with concern. “Right, then. I’m going to get to work on… That. The base-flipping in nullsec. Yeah…”.

Before I had a chance to question him further, CCP had slumped from the high-back seat to make his rocky path towards the door. I quickly jogged after him in an attempt to understand just what he was trying to convey here. NPC stations for players? Destroying NPC stations? No more POS deployables? What would this mean for Eve’s vast economy, where even the smallest change caused vast ripples that could make or break hundreds of stable unions? None of it seemed to matter as CCP simply stumbled down the cold Icelandic streets to weave between jutting icicles. “I also hate ice. Boy, what was I thinking? I just wanted everyone to go out there and kill all the ice” he mumbled, nearly impaling himself on one of the outreaching frigid tendrils.

We had barely reached CCP’s modest apartment, a small flat on the east side of Iceland, when he quickly slammed the door shut in my face and announce that the “interview was over” and he’d be “going now”, “back to work”, and other things I barely heard mumbled above a whisper. Something about blowing up the moon and other nonsense. I briefly caught a glimpse of the inner working’s of his apparent office through the crack in the door, though dioramas and models of Battlestar Galactica and Stargate ships nearly entirely blocked out what little I could view of his wall. Notably a massive, signed poster featuring what could very well be the infamous galactic celebrity “The Mittani”—known by most as the most important Eve player to have never actually played Eve. Surrounding it was merely smaller crops of various xXxDEATHxXx staff for reasons unknown to me.

Alone and frightened, I stumbled home with the hope to warn EVE’s denizens of their impending typhoon, only to realize far too late that CCP had access to the internet and social media from his Icelandic hovel—the potential update had been announced and the media frenzy had begun. I was lucky to have made it out alive.

Last week, on the night of its long awaited revival, the EVE Onion server crashed in a most mysterious fashion. After hours spent rebooting and fruitless emails to the web hosting site, EVE Onion’s owner, OpusMagnum had no choice but to wait until contacted by the host. Early this week, when contact was finally made, the host was quoted as saying, “we were able to trace the issue to either a suburb of London, or Iceland.” When he heard this, Opus’ first thought was, “CCP!”

Why would a company with strong ties to the Onion deliberately cause havoc? We reached out to CCP’s headquarters in Reykjavik and spoke with CCP Karkur, the general manager. “I really don’t know anything about your outage”, she stated, and continued, “and even if we did cause it, what would we gain from it? Our relationship with the Onion has always been cordial.”

Ten minutes later, we received an anonymous call from what sounded like an Icelandic woman. Some listeners—who also requested anonymity—believe the caller to have been CCP Punkturis

“Never believe anything Karkur says. Even her own mother doesn’t believe her! I know why your server was crashed. It was all the sarcasm and mockery! She couldn’t take it anymore, so she researched and found your host. She used company resources to crash the server,” the possible-Punkturis hissed.

We were dumbfounded. CCP, our best friend in the EVE universe turned against us. We only meant the best for our meal ticket friend. How were we to ever look them in the face again? We may not have all the answers now, but when we do, we’ll bring them to you EVE Onion-style!

Luminare, Gallente Prime.

The Gallente Federation Supreme Court published its ruling in the case of the Federal Defense Union versus Niden. After reaching a 5-4 majority, the nine judge panel found the defendant guilty, and sentenced the former member of the Gallente militia to death. A warrant for the capsuleer’s arrest had been filed with the CONCORD assembly, as Niden did not show up for the proceedings and was tried in absentia.

The story of the famous deserter begins in YC 115, when the then young capsuleer joined the Federal Defense Union following the break of hostilities between the Gallente Federation and the Caldari State. The pilot soon took root in the staunch loyalist alliance Villore Accords [GMVA], one of the pillars of the Gallente militia. Together, Niden fought against the Caldari State and local pirate groups such as Snuffed Out [B B C] which worked to hinder the militia’s efforts.

For nearly 3 years Niden stood in the forefront of the Gallente crusade to spread freedom and Long-Limbed Roe eggs throughout Black Rise and its surroundings. However, as the campaign dragged on and the fortunes of the militia ebbed, fellow pilots started noticing strange behavior exhibited by Niden. She started becoming more withdrawn, often isolating herself from her fellow pilots and staying locked in her quarters for long periods of time. As Niden grew more silent, her friends became more worried.

After a long absence from the front lines and ignoring all incoming calls, a group of concerned friends decided to visit the secluded pilot. Managing to override the security codes of Niden’s quarters, the group entered the room only to discover her sitting naked on the floor staring at the wall in front of her. One of the friends, on conditions of anonymity described the scene which unfolded: “She was stark naked, and looked really thin. She was staring at the wall with such concentration she hardly even noticed us entering. The room itself was a mess… fast-food containers strewn all over the floor, art supplies, broken glass containers. Pages and half used drawing pencils were all over the place, covering couches, beds, tables or just adding to the general mess. But the thing that scared us the most of all were the walls. They were covered in drawings, all of the same thing”.

The object which seemed to occupy Niden’s mind and drive her to insanity was the Machariel Battleship. The Machariel was developed by the Angel Cartel, some claim using Jovian designs. During YC 117, the Battleship had become a hit with capsuleer groups, especially in the war zone. Employed mainly by pirate groups such as Snuffed Out, these deadly ships soon earned a reputation with militia pilots, who often saw their appearance in system as an ill omen. To see their friend obsessed with such a ship made the Gallente militia pilots uneasy to say the least.

Attempts were made to help Niden. Psychologists and Psychiatrists were brought in, drugs were prescribed but to no avail. Niden seemed to have no interest with anything save the Machariel. Even an attempt by Wolfsdragoon, then a renowned militia fleet commander, to interest the pilot in the Absolution command ship instead utterly failed.

It was at this point that another party intervened. A Snuffed Out member heard of the pilot’s obsession and decided to use it to his advantage. Managing to infiltrate the Gallente militia, the operative contacted Niden using a simple and effective code word: Machariel. From there on it took little effort from Snuffed Out to get Niden to seek out and sign up with the alliance, all for the chance to own and fly a Machariel which Snuffed Out used in copious amounts.

To the surprise of nearly all members of the Gallente militia, one of their fleet was hit by a force of Snuffed Out Machariels at the start of YC 118. Among the pilots identified in the raid was none other than Niden! The betrayal gave birth to outrage as members of the Gallente militia and the heads of the Federal Defense Union bayed for blood. Charges of treason, desertion and dereliction of duty were brought up against the pilot. However due to the complex relationship between capsuleer pilots in the militia and the Gallente Navy, the trial was brought before the Supreme Court in an expanded seating.

Today, the court made its ruling, and as stated voted for the death penalty. However since Niden is currently living in low security space, outside the effective reach of the Gallente Federation and CONCORD, there is little chance for the verdict to be applied. Recognizing this, the Gallente Navy had also placed a 5 billion ISK bounty on the head of the pilot to any who’ll bring her to justice.

That said, some wonder what will happen to Niden if and when Snuffed Out phases out its Machariel doctrine following new developments in the field of weapons and ship building.

The primary space station in PR-8CA has become a beacon of hope for the masses of low-skilled, unemployed workers around the Delve sector. Most have come with hopes of long-term careers in the shipyards, where construction of vast numbers of starships has created demand for cheap, expendable laborers. However, many of them will be lured into the ranks of crew members aboard Goonswarm naval vessels, the promise of good pay and a chance to travel among the stars too good to pass up. The average civilian in New Eden will rarely travel outside his or her home system, let alone outside of their sector.

We spoke with Conrad, an energetic young man who had this to say about the Goon Navy:

“The insurance policy is really good; I can rest assured that my family will be taken care of if the worst should happen.” His smile grew wider as he gestured to a pamphlet clutched in his other hand. “But the recruiter says I’m far more likely to get the bonus pay for being a crew member on a ship that gets at least 5 kills.” Conrad seemed confident that the Goon Navy had long term promise as he gazed longingly out the view port at the sleek starships gliding away from the station’s docking bay. “I might get a chance to serve aboard a Jackdaw-class Destroyer,” he confided. “Supposedly, they have an unparalleled combat record. Never been lost with all hands, the recruiter said. Always gives as good as they get.”

We decided it was for the best to not correct the eager young man, as Goon security officers were beginning to eye us meaningfully. Moving further into the vast meeting room, we found another group of potential recruits chatting animatedly amongst themselves. “I’ve been put on the short list to be a gunner aboard a Maelstrom-class Battleship,” a young man named Donovan exclaimed. “I’ll be firing shells the size of the shuttle we flew up here on!” “Pssshh, whatever,” his friend Tomlason scoffed. “The recruiter told me I’m a prime candidate to serve on the new supercarrier that’s leaving dry-dock in a week! It’s fighters would rip apart your battleship without even trying.”

The debate raged on as our reporting crew pushed further into the throngs of hopeful young and middle-aged civilians, clamoring for a place to serve aboard the mighty warships of the Goon fleet. We stopped for a few minutes to listen to a recruiter giving a speech from his booth. “Men and women are given equal opportunities aboard all vessels in our proud Coalition,” the man promised with a voice both proud and regal. “Right now, you have the potential to make your fortune aboard a fast light frigate, and return home in less than a month!” The crowd gave a cheer at the news of such a possibility. “Each crew member gets a share of bounties earned when your ship earns a kill against a well-known criminal. Each crew member gets a share of ISK earned when valuable cargo is seized from enemy vessels. You can be set to retire at the ripe old age of 21, if your ship returns to dock here with 250 million ISK in her hold!”

Jaws dropped open among the crowd of listeners at the sound of such an astronomical fortune. The hopeful crewers whispered together, considering the possibilities such a fast and deadly ship offered. They weren’t complete fools; the frigate class vessels were known to be deathtraps, even among the civilians that weren’t as familiar with the military records. Legends had been told of the dozens of frigates that had simply vanished during large engagements, vaporized by the massive firepower wielded by the titanic ships of the line. It would be a gamble, to be sure, but one that might pay off if their captain was skilled.

In one corner, the Miner’s Guild was convincing another group of onlookers that the real wealth lay within the vast asteroid belts in their own sector.  “In one week’s worth of hard work, our miners pull in enough ore to build twenty of those carriers out there,” the main recruiter said. His face was rough and lined from years of working in the harsh environment of ore holds and mining laser maintenance bays. “Better yet, we don’t have to stick our necks out just because some paper pusher wants to get hisself a bigger piece of vacuum to call his. We carve the good stuff out of the rock, and we get paid. Simple as that. Medical, dental, accident insurance, you’re all covered. Just sign here and here.”
A line had formed, with a rough-looking group of hopefuls all looking for a chance at a simple life of mining. Likely, they would have been laughed out of the line for the combat jobs, more than anything. The Mining Guilds didn’t give a damn about a criminal record, as long as you had a pulse.

We knew the real story. Looking around at the sea of faces, all simply hoping for a better life and maybe a chance for excitement, we could only shake our heads and slowly march back towards the docking bays. So many of these hopeful, earnest civilians would become space debris within days. The vast armadas of the Legion waited in the void, and the void was cold and unforgiving. On the far side of the station, rows of ships lined the drydocks, gaping holes in their sides, leaking plasma from drive sections, some barely able to limp home. The way was still raging out among the stars, and the Coalition simply needed warm bodies to keep the war machine moving forward.

Maybe one day, there would be peace.

In a stunning turn of events, /r/eve’s premier commentator, Chevis Preston, has not only become a moderator, but has announced his candidacy for CSM. “I intend to bring the CSM to a new level of transparency and integrity,” Chevis announced. “I have a plan though, to rise above the rest next year. I swore to it that I would win, but, since then, I have refined my goal… I don’t want to win, I want to hit new heights.” (reference)

In addition to humanitarian missions to impoverished regions, Chevis has also been known to gift a “Good Posting Guide” to needy capsuleers. “EVE Online is all about the community, and high quality social media posts are the lynch pin of that community,” Chevis opined, “without quality posts, we have no memes to become dreams, and that’s not good enough.”

EVE luminary Gorski Carr gave his seal of approval to Chevis’s early announcement, declaring “You have a new mission!” Chance Ravinne and his 31 alts are rumored to be in conversation with Chevis about taking on WINGSPAN Delivery Services as a corporate sponsor of his candidacy, and early indications (including Chevis saying nice things on a /u/wingspantt thread) are that these negotiations are progressing well. Chevis has taken a conciliatory approach with other critics, offering clarifying comments, and even going so far as to offer apologies for misunderstandings or perceived bias.