by Manic Velocity

“F*** it, why not?” says CCP Fozzie

In their constant drive to shake up the sandbox, CCP has announced a new feature for the Winter 2017 expansion they say will change the way we see drones forever—by putting more of them on the screen.

Players will soon find that their drones have been equipped with “Drone Drone Bays” or “DDBs”, having the ability to launch up to five “mini-drones” for each standard drone, for a maximum of 30 drones per pilot with appropriate skills. Mini-drones will deal 20% of the DPS of their “parent” drone. Launching drones will open a new window for launching mini-drones, giving players maximum control over which drones launch mini-drones, and which targets the mini-drones will prioritize. When asked why not just buff drone DPS across the board, CCP Fozzie had this to say:

We felt that was too simple a solution. The introduction of mini-drones allows for more granularity and flexibility in drone combat. And it scales according to how the player chooses to use them. Now drones can be as needlessly complex as you want them to be.

Concerns over increased time-dilation during small or even moderately sized battles were met with Fozzie asking, “Do you hear that?” before wandering away from the interview and claiming to investigate a noise coming from elsewhere in the building.

Caldari Business Tribunal Bureau Offices, Jita IV.

The offices here in Jita continue to receive countless updates to corporation rosters from all across the sector, and even beyond as the fallout from the breakup of the CO2 alliance continues. Statistics show that corporations have fired, retired, or permanently demoted upwards to 95% of corporation leadership over the past few months. “I can’t trust nobody, not even my alts.*” says one corporation leader, Joseph Mendez. (Author’s Note- “Alt” is an abbreviation of “Alternate personality” which is used by capsuleers afflicted with multiple character personality disorder (MCPD)).

Joseph’s corporation, ‘Joey and Pals’ was once a relatively small organization consisting of ten members, which were all, until recently, good friends. Today the corporation stands at one member, that being the founder, Joseph. “You saw how much he got away with, right?” asks Joseph. “The Judge, I mean. There’s no way in hell I’m letting someone like that ruin all of my friends’ hard work. So, I removed everyone from the corporation, and now our assets are safe.”

It seems that while assets may be safer, upper echelons of corporations are not. Diplomats seem to be receiving an exceptional amount of criticism and skepticism from the members of the organizations they have served loyally for years. Greg Jones, commenting as the primary diplomat for a corporation he wishes to remain anonymous, comments on the situation: “Nope, I still get the same amount of s**t as always.”

“In fact,” he adds, “you could say I’m getting more attention now than I ever did before this whole “Judgement Day” occurred. Now the CEO is wanting my API key updated in triplicate on a daily basis. This s**t’s driving me crazy. All I want to do is sit in a communication channel and verbally stroke egos, but now I have so much attention being paid to me I can’t get anything done.”

UPDATE: It seems Greg Jones was fired from his position after he stated he “went to go eat dinner” Sunday afternoon. He was unable to be reached for comment.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, those that wish to make an honest living in New Eden in a dishonest way have had their way of life seriously challenged by this change in atmosphere. “How the hell am I supposed to earn the trust of a corporation and gain access to all of their hangers if everyone in the damn universe knows about The Judge?” comments a capsuleer who wished to remain anonymous. “Corporations are getting rid of all of their management, and they’re not going to promote new ones anytime soon. The long game is about to become the VERY long game.” he adds.

Amid all of this corporation pruning, worrying rumors continue to circulate over something people are labeling “the metagame”. Which some describe as “the most important thing in the universe” and others describe it as, and I quote: “a load of bulls**t”. This author remains skeptical if the metagame is truly impactful, or if it is simply claiming the responsibility for these major things occurring, like some sort of neo terrorist movement.

Solid details on what the metagame is are few and far between, and information on who or what participates in the metagame is even more scarce. As most things in New Eden, the Goons are probably to blame. We here at eveonion will dedicate every resource at our disposal to unveil this metagame, even if it involves REDACTED.

Hard-hitting journalist Evocationz Adhera tears the mask off of Legendary Low-Sec Lover and Null Sex Pilot Suitonia in a brutal interview, revealing a callous monster!

Once-fanboy Evocationz Adhera, clearly shaken by the discovery that fellow streamer and esteemed CSM member Suitonia, is not, at heart, the same capsuleer this community has come to know and love. The intrepid journalist presses forward even after discovering that Suitonia likes spreadsheets, to uncover a horrible truth: Suitonia is using a CSM position to advocate for Kestrel buffs!

That’s right, not content with meme-like fame, Suitonia is pushing for buffs to the Kestrel in order to justify an Alpha-Only version of the 47 page guide to the Kestrel frigate. Rumor has it that Suitonia is struggling to make ends meet after losing hundreds of thousands of ISK in recent PvP losses. An Alpha version of Suitonia’s Kestrel manifesto will likely prohibit undocking for several weeks, saving Suitonia as much as 100 million ISK that might otherwise be lost in solo PvP fights. Suitonia is also advocating for fighter nerfs. Why, you might ask? Suitonia recently lost a Vengeance to m0v3rs Dragonfly I. Coincidence, or callous revenge? You be the judge! Er…you judge for yourself…um…you decide!

Hoping to redeem Suitonia’s image, Evocationz turns to another topic: The community. Suitonia, famous for pick-up lines, and flirtatiously suggesting that “Eve is Easy,” is widely regarded as a positive and inspiring figure. Imagine the stunned expression on Evocationz’s face as Suitonia reveals the abhorrent position that children should not have ice cream! Suitonia goes on to suggest that Reddit is a good place to communicate, but the stunned journalist hurriedly concludes the interview before Suitonia can destroy any remaining illusion that this CSM member is a community-minded individual and talented streamer with a wry sense of humor.

Check out the entire brutal exposé here!

https://evocationzadherablog.wordpress.com/2017/10/09/suitonia-the-man-the-legend-top-eve-online-streamer-lets-find-out-about-him/

“We know times are tough” said Robert Industry’s Chris R. Robert at this month’s sprawling EVE festival, live in Vegas. “Like EVE, we intended to launch our game in early 2003 but found ourselves met with opposition and struggle. Nearly two decades and almost a billion dollars, we’re in a better position than ever to support our brothers and sisters. As such, we fully intend to pick up where CCP left off and support Captain’s Quarters and Walking in Stations, should our bids for the system go through.”

At the time of writing, CCP was unavailable to comment as he was last seen prowling the various gambling halls and drunkenly flirting with the various women he encountered. When pressed for a statement about the aging and discontinued subsystem of EVE Online, he simply stated “They don’t make ‘em like this in Iceland” to a nearby waitress, before receiving a rather off-putting stare.

Following Robert around proved to be a more engaging affair, as flocks of EVE pilots busied themselves learning as much as they could about this new and engaging I.P, though most of what was revealed was either already known or likely never to be seen to fruition.

“Ship aging? Yeah, that’s live right now. Already done. Millions of players per instance? Done and done. Going to have over twelve million star systems available for colonization at launch and double that every month for the first sixteen years.” Robert continued unhindered and unhinged throughout the event, listing things to the wide-eyed crowd which often prompted gasps. “Got moon mining too. Just blow the thing up and throw some ropes around the rocks. Haul ‘em back to a refinery or something. Zero-G infantry combat, pop your head out the hatch and just shoot the alien bastards hanging off the side of your ride. All the good stuff is already done.”

“That sounds incredible” I heard muttered nearby, a man clutching his chest as if the breath was about to be stolen from him at any moment. Robert wasn’t stopping there, though. “It’s really nothing. With today’s technology we’ve got it all rigged up so…oh yeah, you can totally play pacifist too. Buy a space cruise ticket and just walk around a space cruise ship, look out the windows and relax on deck while sipping space martinis and listening to the Martian band play the latest hits from one of the millions of systems nearby. The complete experience, my friends!”

On and on Robert rambled much to my amazement, though further and further off track until someone from the growing EVE crowd jarred him from his stupor with a simple question: “So what about dying in Star Citizen? Do you respawn? What’s the point of paying for insurance with real money?” Robert genuinely looked stumped. A long pause, a careful stammer as he tried to shift his glance back and forth to find an escape route. “I…uh.” Sweat visibly beading across his forehead, there wasn’t anything he had to say about that. By now, Robert’s bodyguards had gone to work dismissing the hungry crowd as more questions were shouted at the estranged developer who was quickly whisked away to his private Vanuatu island (as his Pacific Palisades mansion was undergoing its fifth renovation this year) retreat, paid for by the residual profits of his blockbuster movies (including such hits as “Wing Commander” in which he retcon nearly everything in his own games for no clear reason.)

It is unlikely we’ll see Robert again at an EVE-centric event, though his continued support for the game and its community proves to be heart-warming in these dark times.

Star Citizen is currently slated for a late 2015 release date.

Traun System—After spending the better part of his Sunday camping a high security wormhole connection, a member of WiNGSPAN Delivery Services finally got the kill he was waiting for. “There were a couple times when I doubted my strategy, but I kept my focus and my patience was rewarded. I knew I would get someone eventually,” the player, who wished to remain anonymous was heard quoting, “Once I heard the hole activation, I waited a full minute until his cloak timer wore off; then I was able to slowboat towards him without him warping off, point him and kill him with drones.”

The victim—who did not comment—was apparently flying an exploration-fit Stabber with both rail and projectile weapons, along with a puzzling full complement of cargo expanders in the low slots. While the player was able to celebrate his kill, he did have some regrets. “I was definitely feeling the high of a successful hunt, but once I saw the killmail come through, I immediately jumped into high sec and warped off. I left my Federation Navy Ogres behind and pretty sure I forgot to pod him. Although maybe I did? I’m not sure, I’ll have to check.”

EVE Onion news was able to see the killmail and verify that the pilot’s claims were indeed correct, and the kill was valued at just under 14 million ISK. The anonymous pilot did also confirm that during his hunt, he witnessed a fleet of Enyos from Mouth Trumpet, two Asteros from Of Sound Mind, and a singular Hurricane Fleet Issue belonging to Hard Knocks come through but avoided being detected.

This week:

Henzo “The High Security Ice Field Ganker” Enecha

Henzo spends most of his time prowling the various icicle fields of Amarr space looking to keep the area clear of bots and other miscreants that would waste the public resources. Using a complex system of identification, he eventually settles on a target that does not have drones deployed (as this would give the bot a kill mail) and that they’re not properly tanked up in high security. Henzo serves his community both as a warning to those who would bot, and also as a swift and valuable lesson to those who assume they’re safe behind the watchful eyes of CONCORD.

Remember, CONCORD is not here to protect you, but to punish violators to the full extent of galactic law.

Keep up the good work, Henzo!

Roxxen “Devoid Desperado” Norato

Roxxen has been managing a corp for a while now. Some might call him a bean counter, but for most of the day Roxxen is actually out mining with his fleet or sometimes even all alone with his ‘fleet’ of drones. Unless the pirates show up, of course! Watch out Roxxen!

Life on the island of Mili in the middle of lowsec space can be rough and without a kill to their name, BSC does their best to keep their citadel floating as the lone beacon of hope in the otherwise ‘devoid’ region. Roxxen has hobbies besides mining and getting blown up though; occasionally he attempts to unite fellow neutral forces in Mili to join minor coalitions which usually disband a week or two later. That’s not to say Roxxen has no friends. He has his drones and his corp, and that’s more than a lot of people!

Keep on truckin’, Roxxen!

What are you up to in EVE online?

Send us your stories and you might be featured on the Eve Onion!

Earlier this month, the dramatic unfoldings of a true internet war resounded across the metaverse, culminating in the bait and switch of one of Eve Online’s greatest citadels and the thousands of space faring citizens within. That much is well known and watched in real time through a variety of portals, but primarily Twitch TV.

What isn’t so well known, is that Hulu has since acquired the exclusive rights to air the trial of The Judge, as hosted by The Court with The Jury and The Executor, who may (or may not) have been banned for speaking out of line himself. For perhaps millions, this event will be the only real justice granted to them for their remarkably poor twist of fate, but only if The Judge submits himself before The Court, which many do not believe is likely to happen.

The Jury was unavailable to comment as relayed to me by The Court, although changing sessions at all might cause a disconnect. And so the waiting game begins with more and more people placing bets on whether or not The Judge will even show for his own trial. A quick review of The Judges’
twitter feed reveals a few startling facts, the most important of which has The Judge leaning more on the Netflix side of the spectrum, thus making him unlikely to support Hulu and its commercialized advertisement marketing scheme.

Full Disclosure: Eve Onion is entirely funded by users and has no corporate interests.

I was lucky enough to encounter on Twitter, by complete chance the developer known as “CCP”. The sole creative mind behind the hit online game “Eve Online”, CCP has busied himself over the years—in the hopes of enticing investors—with side-project vampire games and the occasional tech demo (jokingly referred to in-house as “walking simulators”). Unfortunately, none of these have ever caught on with the fickle, slow-to-change crowds that inhabit the glacially-slow Icelandic space-world of Eve Online, leaving CCP to dwell—perhaps too much—on the current state of his sprawling space opera and its citizens.

Last Tuesday, during a ranting bout on a popular social media platform, CCP was quoted as, “unhappy with the Machariel”, and “unlikely to continue if things just keep going like this”. He has voiced various opinions about the Machariel’s unquestioned ability to completely “wreck house” and “bring in the big money” for those with “a big enough pair to fly one of these suckers”, but this was the first time in recent history CCP had something somewhat negative to say about the spacecraft, judging by his Twitter account’s page. Firing off a direct message to the clearly distraught and notoriously hands-off developer, I quickly arranged a meeting half way around the world with the elusive one-man team,arriving the next day.

“You know”, CCP quietly muttered to me as I leaned in to hear what followed, practically hugging the frosty coffeehouse table that separated me from the glassy, far-off stare that was distinct to those who spend far too much time indoors, “I really hate the Machariel. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. I had been reading all these Chinese forums and trying to translate the corp names in Serenity. I just figured I’d throw something together that looked like Mass Effect’s Normandy. Those Asians love Mass Effect, right?” By now, I was mildly confused and considered the intoxication of this man; he worked from home and could drink whenever and as much as he wanted. He had designed a full-freedom-do-whatever-you-want video game after all. All my worries were brushed aside (or perhaps “further enhanced”) when he produced a boot flask to unscrew and swig in full view of the coffeehouse.

“The current meta blows”, he rambled on, despite my skeptical and potentially off-putting stare. “No one even wants to try out my Tech Three stuff. They park them in high security hangars and just let ’em rot. Now that’s an idea…”. This concerned me greatly as, although I’ve never actually played Eve, I knew full well that any concepts by this man, in this state, did not bode well for those who spent every waking moment building their space sandcastles. What he said next could potentially be a typhoon to these player’s beaches, and as sweat beaded on my brow, he continued unfazed.

“Flipping hangar ownership. Like. Hear me out”. The slurring; the far-off stare; everything coming together to hint that this clearly wasn’t the best idea, as he continued regardless of my revulsion. “Okay, say we get rid of NPC stations in null. No no, let’s make them so that you can capture them. So, the one safe place these wackos get to park their precious battleships gets taken away. That’ll really make ’em fight for it, right?” I’d like to take this moment to further clarify that, at no point during this conversation had I agreed to be a part of CCP’s development process and the Eve Onion is merely the finest reporting source. We do not condone, nor suggest, tampering with CCP’s clearly boundless creative process and the thoughts therein. “So all those damn Machariels can go slug it out with whatever the slug-shaped siegeboat whatever they’re using to snipe POS… screw it, let’s just get rid of those as well.” I had to quickly reach across the table to steady the man before me, flask in hand, barely hanging onto the table as onlookers were stopping to stare with concern. “Right, then. I’m going to get to work on… That. The base-flipping in nullsec. Yeah…”.

Before I had a chance to question him further, CCP had slumped from the high-back seat to make his rocky path towards the door. I quickly jogged after him in an attempt to understand just what he was trying to convey here. NPC stations for players? Destroying NPC stations? No more POS deployables? What would this mean for Eve’s vast economy, where even the smallest change caused vast ripples that could make or break hundreds of stable unions? None of it seemed to matter as CCP simply stumbled down the cold Icelandic streets to weave between jutting icicles. “I also hate ice. Boy, what was I thinking? I just wanted everyone to go out there and kill all the ice” he mumbled, nearly impaling himself on one of the outreaching frigid tendrils.

We had barely reached CCP’s modest apartment, a small flat on the east side of Iceland, when he quickly slammed the door shut in my face and announce that the “interview was over” and he’d be “going now”, “back to work”, and other things I barely heard mumbled above a whisper. Something about blowing up the moon and other nonsense. I briefly caught a glimpse of the inner working’s of his apparent office through the crack in the door, though dioramas and models of Battlestar Galactica and Stargate ships nearly entirely blocked out what little I could view of his wall. Notably a massive, signed poster featuring what could very well be the infamous galactic celebrity “The Mittani”—known by most as the most important Eve player to have never actually played Eve. Surrounding it was merely smaller crops of various xXxDEATHxXx staff for reasons unknown to me.

Alone and frightened, I stumbled home with the hope to warn EVE’s denizens of their impending typhoon, only to realize far too late that CCP had access to the internet and social media from his Icelandic hovel—the potential update had been announced and the media frenzy had begun. I was lucky to have made it out alive.

Last week, on the night of its long awaited revival, the EVE Onion server crashed in a most mysterious fashion. After hours spent rebooting and fruitless emails to the web hosting site, EVE Onion’s owner, OpusMagnum had no choice but to wait until contacted by the host. Early this week, when contact was finally made, the host was quoted as saying, “we were able to trace the issue to either a suburb of London, or Iceland.” When he heard this, Opus’ first thought was, “CCP!”

Why would a company with strong ties to the Onion deliberately cause havoc? We reached out to CCP’s headquarters in Reykjavik and spoke with CCP Karkur, the general manager. “I really don’t know anything about your outage”, she stated, and continued, “and even if we did cause it, what would we gain from it? Our relationship with the Onion has always been cordial.”

Ten minutes later, we received an anonymous call from what sounded like an Icelandic woman. Some listeners—who also requested anonymity—believe the caller to have been CCP Punkturis

“Never believe anything Karkur says. Even her own mother doesn’t believe her! I know why your server was crashed. It was all the sarcasm and mockery! She couldn’t take it anymore, so she researched and found your host. She used company resources to crash the server,” the possible-Punkturis hissed.

We were dumbfounded. CCP, our best friend in the EVE universe turned against us. We only meant the best for our meal ticket friend. How were we to ever look them in the face again? We may not have all the answers now, but when we do, we’ll bring them to you EVE Onion-style!