Following hot on the trail of “World of Warcraft: Classic” and its big announcement, CCP appears to be following suite with a big reveal of their own.

Simply called “Eve Online: Classic”, it features “gameplay enhancements” such as minefields and the inability to warp to stargates and stations directly. The internal build lists tag lines such as “One universe, one massive community”; “Solo and large scale epic combat”; “Advanced player-driven economy”, and “Unique real-time skill advancement” though just what is included in the live launch is yet to be seen.

Various podcasts and even Reddit discussions lit up in the wake of the leak with the majority of players vocally decrying the efforts of CCP, some going as far as to say that investors will “never back” such an “inane concept” for an MMO.

Eve Online: Classic is expected to share the same persistent server as Eve Online, though many players suspect that this may cause population imbalance issues. Some players have pointed out that CCP will have to make “ancient, boxy” versions of newer ship. Fortunately, a “Corax: Classic” was found buried in the leaked files, hinting that CCP has been doing something since Vegas.

CCP has yet to answer any questions regarding the leaked build or even the Classic product which, admittedly, isn’t even officially announced yet but looks to be on-course with internal development.

This reporter would have given the leaked build a try, though finding a CRT monitor capable of 800×600 in this day and age is nigh impossible. The rise of retro gaming gear and throwbacks to the 90’s like “Virtual Reality Goggles” may alleviate this issue, but that is yet to be seen.

Eve Online: Classic is expected to launch in early 2023 for the “20th anniversary” of the franchise.

Embedded deep in RMT territory, your humble spai continues to bring you, dear readers, all the salacious details as Rushlock, Frank the Bank, and Hazelton, the Rushlock Media Triad (RMT), continue to nurture their growing RMT empire, and scheme to dominate New Eden’s present and future.

1ronBank, unaffiliated with RMT, has recently returned to streaming—where scores of watchers lurk—hoping to get a slice of his unassailable wealth. 1ronBank may or may not have anything to do with this article or with RMT, but it just seemed wrong to omit the opportunity to drop a famous name in the context of the initials RMT, and possibly miss better visibility on Google.

CCP*, in a brilliant move to avoid criticism over microtransactions, and lay a foundation for the EVE 2: Rush to Second Genesis business model, announced that all microtransactions and loot boxes would be managed by and for players under the watchful eye of CCP_SorryGuysNoStreamToday (formerly known as Frank the Bank). CCP_PlausibleDeniability affirmed that “CCP_SorryGuysNoStreamToday is not a CCP employee, but is clearly the right choice to coordinate, observe, and advise this player-run initiative as part of our growing community team. Even his name makes it obvious he’s a financial wizard!”

“Our new model, which we refer to as P2P, or ‘Peer to Peer’ RMT, is the cornerstone of our future success,” CCP_SorryGuysNoStreamToday clarified. “CCP will apply a small per-transaction fee as consideration for facilitating each transaction between players, and may or may not choose, at some point, to seed the market or sell items directly after determining which items have the highest value, in order to ensure the market remains fluid, dynamic, and fun!”

“This takes us to the next level,” a well-informed insider source promised. “New Eden had the first and only fully player-driven economy. The Second Genesis cluster will offer the first player-run organized virtual crime network and black market with both in-game and out-of-game assets and influence. We are breaking new ground!”

CCP_SorryGuysNoStreamToday, in light of his new responsibilities as under-secretary of RMT asset whelping, announced he would transition his portion of the stream schedule to personal grooming and ship cleaning, in order to focus more specifically upon EVE 2 scams. “I hate beards, and people who have beards,” he said, stroking his scruffy chin.

The real news, as it always is in anything related to EVE Online, is the community’s response.

In this case, the RMT viewer response to the previous exposee on the EVE 2: Rush to Second Genesis beta key scam is sickening. RMT viewers, eager to cash in, have embraced the idea wholeheartedly, and are now advancing multiple proposals to dominate the Second Genesis galactic cluster before and upon arrival.

In addition to selling EVE 2 Beta keys, RMT viewers presented a proposal to sell permits to transfer assets from EVE to the EVE 2 Beta. The transfer would necessarily involve assigning the assets to an authorized RMT agent in New Eden, with a promised delivery of said assets from New Eden to the Second Genesis cluster Soon™, depending upon availability of this area to star system citizens. Rumor has it that contracts are already flooding in.

The Second Genesis cluster, with initial access via Jove space, has no existing stargate or station infrastructure. In light of this, RMT associates announced plans to monopolize early stargate anchor points, then offer Cluster Organization Distribution Entitlement (CODE) permits to a small selection of corporations and individuals with sufficient assets. These “Non-Organizational Permittee or Organizational RMT Subscribers” (NOPOORS) would have exclusive access to the Second Genesis cluster. Basic CODE Permits would allow time-limited permission for NOPOORS to enter the Second Genesis cluster.

Add-on permits available as P2P microtransactions would allow transit between systems in the Second Genesis cluster. CCP_SorryGuysNoStreamToday, in his first press appearance, indicated, “the intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different permit levels.”

James315, of New Eden’s CODE. fame, was not approached for feedback, but is assumed to back this plan wholeheartedly, as it establishes a high barrier to bot-aspirancy in the Second Genesis cluster, even if it borrows his meme. “It’s true that anyone can claim control of anything,” James 315 proclaimed, in a quote taken entirely out of context, but clearly indicating that RMT may claim control of the Second Genesis cluster and stargates, and use the CODE acronym.

*Community Content Providers. Any resemblance to Center for Competitive Politics, Capacitively coupled plasma, CCP Games, Certified Cheese Professionals, the now-defunct CCCP (USSR), or any other “CCP” are entirely coincidental.

J150625 – C4 Space

The scene around Asterion’s Pleasure Hub was all hugs and smiles last week as House of Asterion—a Wormhole corporation that focuses on PvP content—celebrated yet another successful operation. Eve Onion News received a tip on the merriment, and immediately reached out to CEO Meneer Wolf for comment:

“We had mapped out a secure highsec chain about 7 jumps from Hek. I immediately pinged for a highsec roam gang.” Meneer continued, “We had 24 pilots logged in, all piloting Confessors with some Caldari Navy Hookbills and Deacons in support. Overall, things were shaping up nicely.”

Then, Meneer explained, disaster struck, “We had undocked and were two jumps from our highsec exit, when one of our members spotted a POS Party scout in system. Per our protocol, we immediately sent out another ping, and in two minutes, we were able to get all of our members safely logged off without detection.”

Eve Onion reached out to POS Party for their take on the story and was able to interview one of their scouts, Kendrid Spirit. “We were scouting out our chain, looking for a brawl,” Kendrid states, “I assumed we would get one too; small ship fights can be super fun and we love PvP.” Eve Onion pushed Kendrid for more answers. “Say what you will about House of Asterion, no one logs off like they do. I counted almost 30 members online and within, I don’t know maybe two minutes, everyone was gone. They had three people all convo’ing me telling me they were going to bed or just doing PI. I was still scanning down the chain.”

When asked if she had pinged to muster her corp, she replied, “No. I mean, I knew they were going to log, so why bother?” She continued, “I was able to find a couple of dreads ratting a few systems over, so we eventually found our content.”

Eve Onion was able to determine that of the 24 House of Asterion members, only two had made it back to HoA’s home hole, with the rest getting into high sec or safe logging in some random C2 w/HS static. “I could not be more proud of this corp.” Meneer said, “It just goes to show you that practice makes perfect, and when you take this as seriously as we do, you can rise to any challenge.”

As a wise man once said, “It is the nature of time, that the old ways must give in. When the new meets the old, the ancient ways must always end.” If recent events tell us anything, is that old ways also go out in a blaze of glory. As fleet-based PvP has become the new, accepted norm, the empires of New Eden have begun assimilating or eliminating any who do not conform to this new structure.

Beginning as a mass gathering of solo players in the system of Hama, in the Domain region, just two systems away from Amarr. This led to anger from those who have long claimed that solo PvP is the best, most pure form of PvP. Two particularly outspoken solo players—Taka and Shin—rallying solo players together to, in their words, “1v1 the galaxy.”

The following events will be retold as best as possible; however, history is always written by the victor, and we have no other sources with which to obtain the facts.

A surprising joint effort between CONCORD and the Imperial Amarr Navy—which was supplemented by capsuleers from across the galaxy—formed a massive, three-thousand strong fleet. As CONCORD Captain Jake Thompson reported: “We were going to let them continue their protests. Everyone grew tired of their constant demands for 1v1’s at the star. So we decided to act.”

CONCORD then proceeded to shut down the stations of Hama, forcing the solo players out into the open. Outnumbered six to one, the solo players’ numbers began to quickly dwindle, as they all were hectically scrambling to find an avenue of escape. Taka, the impromptu leader of the solo players, broadcast a message to rally at the low-security system of Sieh, where Taka had an unfueled Fortizar placed.

The eight systems between Hama and Sieh were littered with the wreckage of the solo players as they made their best effort to retreat, however many foolishly charged the fleets in order to die bravely, with a “good fight” on their lips, as their code of honor dictates. Taka, the leader of the solo players, had his ship, a bling-fit Ashimmu, severely damaged along the way. Unable to repair his ship, and unable to provide a good fight, he self-destructed his ship. Before he did the same with his capsule, he ordered his friend Shin to dispose of his corpse so that it might not be desecrated. Shin scooped his former comrades frozen corpse to his cargo hold, before jettisoning it on a direct collision course with the star of the system, insuring Taka’s wishes were granted.

Rallying around the temporarily fueled Fortizar—named Shiroyama—Taka, and the remaining thirty-nine solo players dug-in and prepared for the worst. CONCORD’s fleet was reduced in numbers, due to their inability to traverse low-security space. However, there were only forty solo players remaining, while the Imperial/capsuleer fleet was still twenty-four hundred strong.

Outnumbering the solo players sixty to one, the fleet was confident of their victory, began to fortify the system, insuring none could escape. The sole gate leaving the system was guarded by a dozen instant-locking Loki cruisers, and an equal number of speedy Machariel battleships, in order to bump away any stragglers.

The beginning of the end occurred when the leader of the fleet offered a chance for surrender. This, of course, was perceived as an insult to the solo players, violating their very sense of being as an independent fighter. After a quick strategy discussion, each solo player calling out who they will target, in order to prevent any 2v1’s from occurring. They then un-docked and began their final, suicidal charge into the fleet. Initially the tactic seemed to work; though many of the fleet pilots were not used to engaging an enemy directly, the logistics pilots especially.  However, due to sheer weight of numbers, the fleet decimated the remaining solo players. The only thing remaining of the solo PvP culture was the wreckage of their blingy ships, and the chants of “good fight” before they succumbed to their fate.

One week after the fighting was over, the leaders of New Eden posthumously pardoned the actions of the solo players. “They may have been annoying and stuck in their ways, but most of them weren’t that bad.” Pomik Haromi, regent of the Amarr empire was quoted in saying.  This final act and statement was the closing to one of many bloody chapters of the New Eden history books. As we look to the future, we may find ourselves thinking; when will our ways become the ways of old?

Not long after CONCORD revealed their new revolver-shaped line of ships did the bidding start on the old rusty-tool shaped line of ships. Private collectors from every corner of known space—and even parts unknown—flocked to Jita placing bids on every single scrap of dented metal CONCORD paraded on by enroute to the galactic junkyard in Delve.

Being wary of the sensibilities of the Caldari, CONCORD universally declared that all previous-generation hulls are up for grabs and winner takes all. Thus, thirty million rusty pipe shaped ships went right into Entity’s collection, sparing pirates everywhere the double-agony of being shot at by something that looks like it escaped an N64 game or a Texas Instruments calculator. Unfortunately this also means that, yes, these ancient hulls are more like finely-aged wines and still exist somewhere. One can only hope they’re boxed away in storage containers within Jita’s endlessly deep caverns, never to undock again or be seen outside of 2003 strategy guide covers.

Something curious to note is that the decommissioned CONCORD line of ships actually have half the fitting slots of the new, much more pointy CONCORD ships, meaning the police force of the galaxy has effectively doubled its idle firepower. Itching to pull the trigger on a ship that looks like a weapon itself, the new Marshal Battleship houses not six, but sixteen high-powered turrets of any caliber and size.

EVE Onion writers nearly rioted on Discord (https://discord.me/eveonion) on the very day of EVE Onion’s first birthday, after management refused to make the Discord and Twitter (https://twitter.com/eveonionnews) more prominently accessible. “I had the Discord link in the footer, but bots spam those things, so I moved it to the Contact page,” Opus Magnum replied, reasonably.

It all started innocently enough, with <redacted> proposing a Discord button on the website header or footer. “Interaction with your audience is a good way to retain fans,” the author opined, pretending to know something about PR and business in general.

Things escalated quickly to “I say we riot,” after the heavy jack boot of management came down, quashing the suggestion. The threatened riot failed to materialize, however, as EVE Onion staff became distracted by the word “riot,” and went off on a tangent discussing the MOBA League of Legends, which all denied playing.

Acting quickly, the editor responded to <redacted>’s request for a Discord link by consulting with the Chief Jackboot Wielder, Opus Magnum. The elitist leadership deciding to enable comments on the site Soon (™). “Be careful of what you wish for,” the editor announced ominously. “I didn’t ask for comments on the site, I asked for a link to Discord,” <redacted> replied tearfully.

Announcing nearly five common-sense regulations for staff engagement via EVE Onion official media interfaces, Opus Magnum responded quickly to <redacted>’s suggestion that perhaps a whistleblower should write an article suggesting “working conditions are awful…I don’t even get paid.” “I’m freakin Stalin,” Opus Magnum preened, marching back and forth across the Discord. “I will be loved and hated all at the same time. EVE Onion is a unionized BDSM dungeon for writers. I’m sure I am making my momma proud to have started such a place.”

Momma Magnum was not available for comment, even in light of https://twitter.com/EVEOnionNews having achieved a full year of regular activity, and enjoying unassailable pocket change as a result of contributions via RMT facilitator Patreon, and tens of thousands of ISK supporters have sent in-game to “EVE Onion News.”

Today may just go down in EVE online history as the most brutal betrayal of all time. And as of this moment, no one is more at risk of losing their heads, or hands, than the illusive Mittani.

Like a thief in the night, the declaration of war came down the chain of command and caused every fleet commander in EVE’s largest alliance to rattle their sabres and clench their teeth in anticipation. “Gentlemen”, I heard over the notably aging Ventrilo channel the Goons have continuously run since 2006, “We’re going to war.” This was nothing new to Goonfleet, as any new member is effectively trained in a “constant war” doctrine that mainly involves teammates shooting you to send you home faster.

The clamor had begun. Small, timid voices piping up over the sound of burly space mercenaries of all different languages. Was it Klingon I heard in grunting, dislocated whispers? I wouldn’t find out because the channel was soon muted by the swift action of command. “Gentlemen” was repeated, the entire scene playing itself over again as if by script, but this time without the constant chatter and Duke Nukem soundboard spam to overlap the commander’s voice. He continued: “These people, they’re more comparable to animals than true men.” The sound of a water bottle being thrown caught my attention. Hard day at the office, perhaps.

“For years they’ve sat on their forum, upvoting themselves and babbling on in their stupid inside jokes. Cranking out propaganda and declaring themselves the bad boys.” he stammered, quickly correcting himself with a momentary pause. “Bad guys of space.” A quiet chorus of “yeah” came from the industry overseers who had unmuted themselves with their admin powers and only served to sound like mafia yes-men in the grand scheme. “So it’s off to war. We’ll move dreads, we’ll move supers, we’ll do whatever it takes.” was the jist of the speech that followed, mainly involving about thirty minutes of details involving logistics, moon mining operations and potential fleet movements. Considering the sizable crowd gathered in the ancient VOIP channel, I wasn’t able to gauge people’s reactions with everyone muted.

On and on the speech went, livestreamed on both Twitch and Youtube on three different channels (including Español) as well as via Soundcloud in condensed, easy-to-digest snippets, or HD if you opted for the Premium Goon Bundle (available on their website for $13.99 USD, 499 Plex via jetcan transfer or 1.63 bil ISK)

We finally reached the end of the three hour announcement as it was increasingly clear the gathered Goons where growing anxious. The big reveal. The target. Dogs of war frothing at the mouth, chomping on the bit, ready to let loose hell itself. The Mittani did not comment as he was on a two week vacation at the time his fleet commanders opened fire on each other.

Looking back, Goonswarm Federation vs Goonswarm Federation would turn out to be the biggest spectacle of the entire year and generate untold trillions of ISK for the industry backbone of New Eden.

Today marks a turning point for the empires. A much more valuable ore was discovered on the planet Pandora V: Unobtainium.

For over a decade, all space-faring races have had to resort to transparent aluminium for the windows and view screens of their vessels. This is no longer the case, as Unobtainium in its rawest form not only has ten times the durability, but a much cleaner, neater tint. Imagine this: Pilots may soon be visible inside their pod or even in their ships. You’ll soon be able to see within your stations and watch the meager civilians of the galaxy scurry about, or amuse themselves by staring out the windows watching others ganking each other in Jita.

When faced with the news that CCP would actually have to design and re-model ships around this new discovery, it was quietly announced that Unobtainium would have to go through “a few balance passes for review”, and most likely would result in nothing being changed at all.

Until CCP decides how to handle the revolutionary discovery, the planet and its system are in good hands and under careful 24/7 policing by the Goonswarm Federation, which has promised—after forcefully relocating the locals with clever use of duplicate avatars and a massive fleet presence—to let no one near.

Resource Wars launches October 26 launched regardless of the value of the ore, though rumor has it the materials collected by these operations won’t be of any use at all to players now that Unobtainium is available, or perhaps unavailable.