Project Nova was finally shown in its pre-alpha state to great applause at Eve Vegas 2018. CCP didn’t stop there however, as they allowed attendees to sample the fps goodness by destroying horrible Sansha AI on an early level gameplay demo. The reaction must not have been what CCP was looking for as only one day after the end of the Eve Vegas event, CCP announced plans to release microtransactions in time for all the Vegas attendees to enjoy in the upcoming alpha.
Many will be happy to hear it was free of Pearl Abyss influence, and for the moment didn’t feature any kitten ears or pay to win camouflage. In fact, most of the five items were the usual CCP affair of horribly designed clothes that nobody wants to wear in game—let alone real life—but one item in particular stood out amongst the rest. For the low price of $420 USD, you can buy a gold monocle which when equipped allows you to use a system very similar to the Fallout VATS system in Nova.
In addition to this, if you buy the monocle chain you can get a 2x modifier to see how much the monocle will slow down time. CCP CEO Hilmar Veigar Pétursson released a statement saying, “We feel that one of the best ways to ensure a good reception of the Nova project is to look to what we and others have done well. We really want to make the game feel likes it’s part of the EVE universe and thought there was no better way to do that than to find a way to add TIDI, but couldn’t figure out a way to implement it into Project Nova. So we looked for inspiration elsewhere, and found it in the Fallout series and its VATS system. The price is a bargain if you think about it. $420 USD for a monocle that slows down time. Such an item would be vastly more expensive in real life.”
All EVE Vegas attendees will be able to test Nova and purchase the monocle in the alpha while the rest of us will have to wait until the full game is released sometime in 2019.
In an astonishing act of corporate welfare, an enthusiastic EVE Online player decided that he wanted to support the game’s publisher, CCP Games, to the fullest extent his money would allow by purchasing the popular “Galaxy Pack.” Although the same item was on sale through both the Humble Bundle (50% off) and greenmangaming.com (57% off), the player did not believe he could obtain the full EVE Online experience without paying the full retail value (99.99 USD) as promulgated by the game’s launcher.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, the player proudly stated, “Yes, I paid full price for my “‘Galaxy Pack.’ But I mean, even on their website it’s basically on sale. I practically got a hundred dollars off since it’s almost a two hundred dollar value! Besides, it’s a lot easier to access the pack through the launcher than to sign into third-party sites. And to top it all off, the sales and the offer through the launcher were going on at the same time—it was a no-brainer! CCP already does so much for the player base, it only seemed right to pay full retail value.”
The “Galaxy Pack” is one of three major DLCs offered by CCP games for the EVE Online MMORPG. The pack contains a number of items that allow a player to expand their footprint within the game. Items include: three months of Omega Game time, which allows double-speed skill training; 1100 PLEX, which can be sold on the in-game market or used as currency in the in-game cosmetic store; and an “Inspiring Galaxy Pack Crate” that includes Multiple Pilot Training Certificates and Skill Extractors.
“I was just drawn to the advantages that it could offer me as a new player,” the enthusiastic EVE Online player shared, “So after I clicked on it in the launcher, I knew that it was the purchase for me.”
When asked if they were aware about the sales for the same item through Humble Bundle and greenmangaming.com, the player chuckled, “It was really easy to ignore those sales, to be honest. I just love the game so much I’d rather give CCP the full price than get the same exact item for half of what I paid or even less!”
The player went on to explain that he would do it again, likely soon, “The great thing about supporting a company like CCP to the fullest is that you don’t have to wait for sales when you want to get a new ‘Galaxy Pack.’ I do want to beat the holiday rushes, so I’m planning on buying my next few ‘Galaxy Packs’ well before the holiday sale season.”
The EVE Online “Galaxy Pack” is available year-round through the EVE Online website, though third-party retailers such as greenmangaming, the Humble Store, and Amazon.com routinely offer discounts in addition to CCP’s own sales.
After being asked what advice he would give players interested in buying a “Galaxy Pack” or one of the other DLC packs, the enthusiastic EVE Online player quipped, “No poors allowed.”
Everyone’s favorite e-war, ECM, gets a healthy whack with the nerf bat, bringing shouts of joy from all corners. While entirely unintuitive that ECM will jam everything except your target, and making ECM entirely worthless for solo and very small gang use, everyone agrees: good riddance.
Wormhole hunters, and NS gate-campers jointly celebrate the end of an era in which prey can semi-randomly escape tackle and escape with their cargo, pride, and MC Hammer (“Can’t Touch This”) attitude intact. The three pilots who fly agile, polarized ships relying upon ECM to escape in the case that “It’s a Trap” resign themselves to 50% more red on their killmails.
Everyone is overjoyed. Well, not everyone…it was perhaps DoubleT who first raised the alarm.
Signal Cartel is space-famous for their credo to “look for a graceful resolution and set an example of dignity and friendship…never initiating aggression…” and, “In suffering losses… respond with good cheer and shed no tears.” (And suffer losses they do. Signal Cartel takes pride in maintaining a killboard with a “Snuggly” rating in the high 90s.)
One manifestation of the Signal Cartel credo is the Hugs fleet, in which Signal Cartel ships, armed only with ECM and fireworks, take on war deccers and other aggressors, with the goal of arriving at a peaceful resolution and good cheer all around.
Some, like CEO Mynxee, are left speechless, and can comment only through intermediaries. EVE-Scout Rescue manager Thrice Hapus reports “While grief-stricken CEO of Signal Cartel, Mynxee, could not be reached for comment.”
A Dead Parrot, creator of ALLISON (Artificial Life Limited In Scope to On-board Navigation), the Signal Cartel AI co-pilot, found the strength to express a more rational sorrow and dismay:
“While we are entirely dismayed by the recent nerf to our beloved ECM capabilities, these are not the least of our concerns. We will often expend 5 to 10 ships (at a cost of 50 to 100 million ISK) in order to deliver just one or two hugs (estimated cost of 5 to 10 ISK each), so what we are really concerned about is the recent depreciation in the cost of hugs (snowballs and fireworks) as this is exponentially increasing our hug to loss ratios by a significant margin. Something really needs to be done about this!”
Signaleers expressed concern to A Dead Parrot that ALLISON, famous for snarky quips such as this gem (https://bit.ly/1NbiVPe), might find herself in violation of CCP Terms of Service and the Signal Cartel credo after ALLISON was reportedly overheard asking, “CCP, do you have stairs in your house?”
When approached for a quote, ALLISON seemed to have regained her composure.
So you’re finally taking the leap to Null Security Space (Nullsec) after listening to some podcast about how rich you can become living in zero security space, after starting to play the game yesterday! While most players would go to https://www.eveuniversity.org/ or join a newbro organization such as Brave Newbies, KarmaFleet, or Pandemic Horde, you came to us for expert advice!
Here are the top five tips you need to survive your first foray into Nullsec space in EVE Online:
Always and I do mean ALWAYS fly the biggest and best fitted ship you can afford. Going into the unknown is scary. It’s always best to have the biggest and best fitted ship as you make each jump from one unsecure gate jump to the next.
Never accept a fleet invite from someone you don’t know until you have assurance in a private chat that they just want to help you.
In the likely situation you will encounter a gate camp or two along the way, store a couple hundred Plex in your cargo hold to jettison to the campers as payment for passing. They will be grateful and you will get to keep your ship.
Nullsec space is a vast place with very few NPC stations to dock in. While traveling, look for player owned structures which advertise as freeports for anyone to dock. People are naturally nice and willing to give a tired traveler a place to dock up for the night.
It is considered very well mannered to announce yourself in local by giving everyone in system a “o7” or “o/”. This will give the residents of that system an idea that you are there and that you are friendly and mean them no harm. In fact, residents of 0.0 really enjoy random visitors flying to their asteroid belt, moon, or site while they are mining or ratting. Remember Nullsec is big and lonely, and people love the company of others.
We hope these tips will help you in taking the next steps of becoming an elite, rich, and bitter veteran player of EVE Online.
To the un-jaded eye, the October changes are great. The EVE Dev Team, fresh from the first summit with CSM 13, rolls out a cure for cancers in their October balance pass.
The EVE cancer that is ECM gets a healthy whack with the nerf bat, bringing shouts of joy from (nearly) all quarters. Everyone’s “favorite” form of E-war has certainly been due for an update. For the target, ECM is brutally frustrating, as you wait impotently for the chance to respond. For the user, ECM is nearly as frustrating. The offensive ECM ship makes incredible sacrifices to become a force multiplier/divisor, but RNGesus decides whether your sacrifice will make you the dead hero, or just dead. Defensive ECM, whilst better than nothing, amounts to essentially flipping the magic EC-300, and asking it “Magic ECM, will I die?”
While entirely unintuitive that ECM will jam everything except your target, and making ECM entirely worthless for solo and very small gang use, few will mourn the end of of an era in which prey can semi-randomly escape tackle and with their cargo, pride, and MC Hammer “Can’t Touch This” attitude intact. The three pilots who fly polarized ships relying upon ECM to escape in the case that “It’s a Trap” or the gank fails resign themselves to approximately 50% more red on their killmails when the victim shoots back. Signal Cartel contemplates new SRP policies, as Hug fleets suddenly face significantly higher risk, but vow to press on to deliver hugs throughout New Eden.
Likewise, few will mourn the end of Fozzie Claw fleets. While long range webs, Rapid Light Missiles, and a few fast drone boats serve to occasionally put these fleets into remission, it’s the removal of Interdiction Nullification that will finally put these fast, inexpensive, high-alpha ships to rest, and allow other, healthier doctrines to emerge. Or, perhaps, will finally result in correcting the long-standing issues with interceptors as “the” tool for contested Aegis Sov.
What’s not to love about overheating a bubble generator, and going from 0m/s to 8km/s in two seconds? Long range webs were of some use, but the Lurch Hictor was incredibly cancerous in several contexts. Even a cloaky ship flown by an experienced pilot had little chance of escaping a Lurch Hictor gatecamp, and even a ship fit specifically for the purpose of killing them requires an unreasonably high level of skill and low latency to counter the Lurch Hictor. Both NS and J-Space residents used these ships to make theirs safer, and love of safety is a cancer eating away at the soul of New Eden. Few will regret the passing of this doctrine.
So, all is well. The title says it all. CCP: Curing Cancerous Playstyles.
Sitting proudly at his desk that overlooked Reykjavik’s iconic harbor, CCP Delegate Zero regarded the crisp Icelandic afternoon as he pondered how best to approach his next assignment. As one of the primary lore authors in CCP’s employ, Delegate Zero was uniquely suited for his upcoming challenge. As expected, CCP Guard sent in one of the “priority” requests for the year.
Compose the “CSM Winter Summer Minutes.”
“When I begin a new work of fiction,” CCP Delegate Zero shared with an EVE Onion correspondent, “I like to think about the characters and how they will relate to one another, but at the same time I have to write to the audience. After all, the minutes are for the EVE players in general, not literary critics, so I like to throw in enough to keep the masses happy and entertained.”
For major works of lore fiction, such as the EVE Chronicles, CCP Delegate Zero normally enters the mindset of a novelist. Many of his longer works have entered the canon as masterpieces of detail and mystery, revealing tantalizing facts about New Eden while shrouding others behind a veil of blurred perception. Such craftwork, however, is not required for the minutes of the CSM Summit.
Turning to his wall, CCP Delegate Zero indicated the bits of scrap paper that served as the foundation for the minutes. Some are notes with suggestions written by CCP Guard such as “Live Events,” “Leadership Team,” and “Economy Session,” while others such as “ice cream” and “Steve Ronuken’s recipe” had been tacked on by CCP Delegate Zero. An assortment of different-colored string, print-outs of the “representatives” and other topics made out of construction paper, line the wall from floor to ceiling, giving it the impression of a modern art exhibit.
“For the Summit minutes, I like to bring in other developers, blindfold them, spin them around a few times, then have them walk towards the wall like they were playing the American game ‘pin the tail on the donkey,’” CCP Delegate Zero said sagely, “Afterwards, I run some random number generators from our data analyst department and that gives me a plot of how to create the minutes. I don’t always work in this manner, however. Sometimes, I simply print out the minutes, then lay them on the ground until the pattern of the words looks like the CCP Logo from the air. In this instance, however, I was pressed for time, so resorted to the former method.”
“Each representative is, of course, a complete work of fiction, though some characters, like in all works, are main characters,” CCP Delegate Zero stated as he sat down at his computer, “Jin’Taan, for instance, speaks the most in the current minutes, but that is because he serves as a main character and a foil for the other quieter, yet more knowledgeable ones. He speaks on every aspect of the game with self-perceived authority, but no real person could do that and remain sane.”
As if sensing our correspondent’s surprise, CCP Delegate Zero added, “The ‘representatives’ you might meet at an EVE Meet or at Fanfest or EVE Vegas are paid actors. We dress them up in costume and they are expected to maintain character in all of their dealings. After looking at focus groups, Jin’taan has been a very popular ‘representative,’ especially with his golden suits and other flamboyant gestures such as his obsession with cat-ears. Thus, when CVA and the rest of Provibloc was evicted from Providence, although we were going to discontinue his character after he left that alliance, we re-wrote some of the traits of his replacement character into his to ensure that he would be perpetuated onto the new CSM.”
“Other CSM ‘representatives’ like Steve Ronuken, Brisc Rubal, and Sort Dragon are similarly paid actors,” CCP Delegate Zero chuckled, “You don’t seriously believe we would let just anyone run for the CSM and actually fly them out to Reykjavik? What if someone from a remote part of the world was elected? The costs would be exorbitant. I know we have a section in the Summit minutes that says ‘CCP Guard is not a fan of arbitrary term limits and overall wants the players to choose,’ but we only threw that in there to hide the fact that we really don’t want to have to foot the bill for players elected from the middle of nowhere. Additionally, Steve Ronuken is our front for one of the best industry-supporting ‘third party’ websites for the game. And, as far as a ticket largely supported by so-called ‘Goons,’ we do have to follow the ratings.”
When asked if future installments of the CSM would include Wormhole or Lowsec characters, CCP Delegate Zero laughed heartily, “The plot for the CSM minutes may be random, but we have to keep some continuity for the main EVE storyline, which is Nullsec and solo PvP. What you’re asking is removing the ‘Throne’ from ‘Game of Thrones.’ It simply can’t be done!”
CCP Delegate Zero then concluded, “When you read the Summit minutes and see that some sections received more treatment than others, it’s all because of RNG. Sometimes, the RNG favors us and sometimes it causes problems. Overall, it creates a grand illusion that we actually listen to player feedback and take it into consideration.”
After speaking to our correspondent, CCP Delegate Zero returned to gazing out at the beautiful Icelandic seascape. As he took up his mug, his eyes betrayed nothing of his future projects but nonetheless gleamed with creative genius.
EVE Onion’s investigative team is pleased to bring you this excerpt from the original draft of the October Balance Pass developer notes.
We said at Fanfest that we wanted to address bizarre behavior by our employees in public places when you combine a warped sense of humor and 500mL vodka bottles, but that is impossible; we will instead focus on what is possible when you combine warp disruption field generators and 500mn Microwarpdrives, because that’s the best way we can think of to really torque off J-Space while driving PLEX sales.
500MN HICTORS!
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you are probably a Highsec carebear, an AFK VNI ratter, or a Lowsec pirate. It is currently possible for Heavy Interdictors to achieve perfect agility and extremely high speeds with warp disruption fields active using a specific combination of modules and activation timings. This allows them to decloak anything in a gate camp, which makes Nullsec significantly safer for botters, while allowing opportunity for successful roams of super annoying nano gangs you can’t kill unless you’re flying an Orthrus.
It’s quite broken and has been in-game too long. In fact, we estimate that 92% of all players who will inject into HICs to facilitate abuse of this broken mechanic have already done so, which means the status-quo is no longer expedient in driving PLEX sales. In this patch we are planning to solve this problem by removing all navigation related penalties from the warp disruption field generator. This does mean that HICs with normal fits will go faster with active warp disruption fields than before, but we don’t see a problem. Faster is better, right?
It’s important that we deliver an appropriate gameplay experience for each of our demographics. NullSec occupants want to make ISK safely, and lose it in staged fights. J-space dwellers have regularly called for the game to be more difficult, especially for Nullsec. We are most successful when we can serve both of these constituencies well with simple changes. We previously reduced the number of connections to Nullsec space from J-space, for example. Now, we are pleased to announce the same sort of win-win with October’s changes to HICs.
With this change, Null Security space does become more dangerous for those holding SOV, since they can no longer gate camp with nearly 100% effectiveness. To offset the sadfaces in Nullsec, we will continue to focus on other QoL improvements to maintain support for Nullsec’s preferred multi-botting and F1 monkey gameplay style. Since it is no longer worth your time to camp gates or roam with HICs—an active playstyle—we suggest Null Sec players feel free to go ahead and inject more Rorqual pilots! We estimate that removing the need to worry about such troublesome work as actively camping gates or learning to applying points and webs to roaming Nano gangs will lead to a 0.84% increase in PLEX sales, which translates directly to greater happiness for our Pearly overlords.
As a bonus, this fundamental change to HICs also ensures the game becomes more dangerous, just as Wormholers asked for. Anyone who complains is clearly a risk-averse “Not Wormholer, BTW.” Besides, we’ve provided a superior alternative to rolling frigate holes! We suggest that J-space dwellers invest in multi-boxing smart-bombing Proteus bots set to activate their bombs immediately upon detecting the wub-wub of hole activation. This will increase the number of explorers killed in J-space, which will drive up exploration loot prices, which will lead more explorers into J-space, in a deliciously wonderful orgasm of destruction estimated to lead to a 0.69% increase in PLEX sales! When we need a cash infusion, we’ll simply ban a few hundred J-space botters, who will immediately buy PLEX on their other accounts to inject new bots. Besides, we have a stock of Proteus hulls, and they’re rotting in Jita. Truly a win-win!
We look forward to the salt these changes will generate on Reddit!
CCP Rise has personally addressed the EVE Online community following an unpopular EVE Devblog that stated “wormholers will be unwilling collateral damage” as a result of the October Balance Pass. After consulting with the Council of Interstellar Management (CSM) and prominent wormhole figures, CCP Rise issued the following statement:
“Wormholers of New Eden, we have heard you loud and clear. We have made a mistake. After much discussion with the CSM and concerned parties, I have convinced our team to take another look at the October Balance Pass. Thanks to the CSM, we now understand exactly how critical the Griffin Navy Issue and Widow are to wormhole space and we apologize for making iterations on these ships without recognizing their integral role to many Wormhole operations. Due to the controversy surrounding the ECM changes, the Griffin Navy Issue and the Widow shall be receiving new, SKIN-specific role bonuses that will only be active in Wormhole space. We thank the CSM for their tireless efforts in making sure your concerns are brought to our attention with complete accuracy.”
The role bonuses, which will be detailed in a Dev Blog scheduled for a later date, will make use of ship SKINs that have traditionally only served a cosmetic role in the EVE Online MMORPG. In regards to the Griffin Navy Issue—a ship that would be made all but useless if not iterated upon in conjunction with the October Balance Patch—CCP Rise offered some insight on the bonuses:
“For instance, the Griffin Navy Issue will now receive a probe launcher high slot if an “Exoplanets Hunter SKIN” is applied to the hull. The “Ghostbird” SKIN, on the other hand, will allow it to generate an area-of-effect cloaking field for ships of its size. This should offer a wider range of gameplay options in Shattered Wormholes. By implementing these changes, we believe we can augment the exciting emergent gameplay that has come to characterize wormhole space.”
The Widow, which was also the subject of heavy critique following the original announcement of the October Balance Pass, would also be receiving a similar SKIN-specific role bonus:
“The Widow was a tough ship to adjust, primarily due to its role as a Black Ops battleship. However, we were able to find some interesting niches to offset the effects it would suffer as a result of the balance pass. Firstly, if a Matigu Seabeast SKIN is applied to a Widow hull, a player will have the option to turn their Widow into a special command center that can only be used on Oceanic planets located in C3 Wormholes and above. We are going to keep a close eye on it but we want to start it off with a 5% powergrid and 5% CPU bonus. We know that you love using your Widows for running Sleeper Sites, but this role bonus should also make it a common sight for your Planetary Interaction setups. The next SKIN we are introducing is the Raata Sunset SKIN—once applied, this SKIN will allow the Widow to make a one-ship connection, regardless of mass, to any Wormhole in New Eden as long as it is adjacent to an “End-of-Life” Wormhole. Finally, we will be introducing a new SKIN called the Remember Caldari Prime SKIN for the Widow, which, when activated, will allow the Widow to expend its fuel bay to close a Wormhole of any size. A limited release of this SKIN will be available initially for 4,000 PLEX and will be available to players who purchased tickets for Fanfest 2018 and EVE Vegas 2018 .”
The announcement was applauded by CSM members. In the words of Suitonia: “CCP has once again reaffirmed their commitment to the player community. These changes don’t just answer wormholers directly, they provide exciting new opportunities for wormhole space.” Brisc Rubal was also in agreement, sharing that the SKIN role bonus concept was a unique solution, adding that, “Wormholers brought a minor problem to CCP’s attention and in response they’ve gotten what they’ve been asking for all this time. People like to say that the CSM is out of touch with players, but if anything, this proves just how important the CSM actually is.”
Earlier this month, the internet nearly broke when EVE Online developer CCP Games announced that it would soon be acquired by Pearl Abyss. Theories emerged, speculation was rampant, and flame wars are still being fought today over the announcement. It is still a touchy subject, one with minds greater than I are attempting to debate. However, unbeknownst to many, was where the buyout money would be spent.
“As you know, running an online game is basically no cost.” Says CCP Games CEO Hilmar Pétursson. “There was a big debate over where the funds should go. One suggestion we all liked was from CCP Falcon, who opined we spend all the cash on alcohol. You know, the good stuff. Someone else suggested we move the HQ to the Moon, but we felt that the commute would have been problematic for some employees, and the CSM.”
Unfortunately for the team at CCP, another publisher, EA Games had much more sinister plans for the money. “So, we’ve really been into football here at the office.” says an employee that wished to remain anonymous. “Naturally, someone brought over their copy of FIFA 18, and right away almost everyone got involved. We had an office-wide tournament—the season was going to reset when FIFA 19 came out—so everyone was trying incredibly hard to win. That’s when the money started flying out the window.” Our interviewee is of course referring to “FIFA Ultimate Team Packs” which are glorified loot boxes. “It started innocently enough, somebody bought one just to try it out, and got a top-tier goalie. Suddenly it became an arms race of ridiculous proportions.”
Sure enough, just two weeks later, every single cent of the $425 million acquired from the acquisition was gone. “That made me realize something,” Hilmar says “this is such a great option for players to have, we need to implement it into EVE as soon as possible. It’s the ultimate player choice, right? Either work hard for your spaceships, or spend some money to get things at random. It’s fair and balanced because everyone CAN buy loot boxes. It doesn’t mean you have to, but the option is there. We really want to model our system after the great success of Electronic Arts. They look Belgium right in the face and say ‘so what if we’re breaking your law, we’re a game company, damn it!’ It’s great. Now that we have Pearl Abyss and their legal teams backing us, I really think we can start swinging our weight around more.”
While Hilmar excitedly ran off to begin discussing loot box implementation in EVE, I was told by a CCP representative to expect an exciting series of patch notes relating to the new system soon. I, for one, can’t wait to spend 250 PLEX on a chance at unboxing a legendary Avatar, and instead receiving a skin for the Rokh.
It is a well established fact that women represent only 4% of EVE’s player population. There’s no real one accepted reason why this is, though a few have been put forth. One CCP Dev who will remain anonymous said they believe it is because the object of agency within EVE Online is a ship, and not a person. One ex-CSM member believes that it is because the social structures of the game have evolved over time to exclude women. Another theory that is not easily attributable, is that women generally prefer to avoid the deceitful, underhanded gameplay of EVE Online. Whatever the reason, the number of women in EVE is quite low.
Most of the time the conversation centers around trying to increase this number. This is the wrong question. We really should be asking ourselves how we can lower this number. I say 4% is much too high! With a peak concurrent user count of about 50 thousand, that means two thousand of them will be women. This is entirely unacceptable.
EVE is a boys-only club. Everyone knows that although the sign “you must have a Y chromosome to ride” isn’t actually printed anywhere, it’s still there. Some women just didn’t get the memo, and joined anyways. While it’s probably against the law to actually disallow women from playing EVE, there are still actions that CCP can take to prevent women from playing EVE. There are also actions that the player base can take.
CCP can—and should—make sure that their advertising campaigns only target male gamers. There should never be any women featured, ever, in their advertising. Guys should be talking about guy things in CCP’s ads. Only focus on fighting and PVP, the kind of 80’s action movie stuff that appeals only to the manliest of testosterone powered men. I am not saying that a woman cannot enjoy this too, but CCP cannot achieve their no-women goal with just advertising alone.
CCP should make sure that the game remains hostile to women. The first thing they should do is keep the character creator focused on the Barbie Doll ideal. This is actually pretty common to the industry, so it’s not really that hard for them. Make sure that the male fantasy plays out in every female character created. Breast sizes should start at C-cup and then go into the absurd and obscene. Gravity should also never affect breasts; that would ruin the fantasy. Necklines should always be revealing. Female characters should also be constrained to high heels only. Everyone knows that women only wear high heels all the time, even to bed. Especially to bed. Whatever CCP does, they have to make sure that the male players with female characters can continue to fantasize.
While CCP is making sure that the female characters fulfil every man’s fantasy, they should also continue to make sure the New Player Experience voiceovers continue to use the male pronoun, regardless of what characters the players create, since we all know the kind of player CCP wants behind the screen: male. The voice over isn’t talking to the character, it’s talking to the player.
Speaking of players, they don’t get to slide either. Every time a player hears a female voice in mumble or discord, they should immediately make a disruptively huge deal about it. The correct response is always: “go make me a sandwich” or a solicitation for pictures of the girl’s breasts. Remember, players, females are just objects for men to enjoy.
Players can go one step further. Reikoku, the infamous T20 corporation, once had a full ban on female players. For some inexplicable reason they lifted this ban. Player groups can and should openly declare the treehouse rule: “No Girls Allowed.” If players make the game hostile to women, we can ensure that EVE remains free of anyone whose reproductive organs don’t dangle.
After all, women do not actually contribute anything to EVE Online. They don’t contribute anything to the game play. I can think of no argument to the contrary. Though some women have certainly proven to be good diplomats, fleet commanders, sky marshals, or leaders, in every case there was a man that could have done the job better.
EVE Online doesn’t need women players. They are icky. And gross. If players and CCP work together, they can drive the percentage of female EVE players down to zero.
