Home Blog Page 20

A Day With Mittens

4

Alex Gianturco has become one of the most popular figures in modern e-sports. After a mediocre rookie year in Starcraft II’s silver league, he realized that he enjoys mining for minerals, but needed a safe place to develop his strategy. The rest, as they say, is history.

Following his stunning debut in the epic space saga known as “EVE Online”, Mittens became the dictator of an industrial power located along the remote galactic periphery. In a previous article, we learned that Mr. Mittens runs his entire empire by himself, with a small army of bots. Today, I have been invited to shadow the Mitter, as he wages endless war.

I arrive at a quiet and modest home, which obscures the small garage where he resides. His mother graciously allows us her parlor, and we briefly sit to discuss EVE. It is only 5:00 am, and Mitt is quite anxious to log into his accounts. However, he takes a few precious moments to answer my questions. In particular, I wish to understand his philosophy that EVE can be compared to real-world geopolitics.

Mitties explains, “What I have done, is comparable to, say, militarizing North Korea. My homeland [referred to as the Delve, in EVE parlance] is an economic backwater with little strategic significance, but through sheer force of will I have convinced the Great Powers of the galaxy to take me seriously. On several occasions, I have orchestrated terrorist attacks in the galaxy’s financial district [Jita], and I am constantly threatening to drown imperial Amarr in a lake of fire. The beauty of EVE, is that so much gameplay occurs away from the keyboard. Players think about me while commuting to work, getting fired from their jobs, and watching television with their aggressive ex-girlfriends. I can’t win the game through mere gameplay, but I can at least threaten to win, by claiming to have already won.”

We step into the dimly lit garage, where a wall of computer monitors display a dizzying array of spaceships, whirling through asteroid belts as their lasers bite into raw ore. The sun is just peeking over the horizon, as Mitters perches atop a stool, teetering precariously as one of the legs has become rather loose. He begin his shift by checking up on a vast fleet of Rorquals, ensuring that their scripts have not derailed overnight. “These are the bread and butter of my empire. I probably spend around two hours per day, ensuring that everything is flowing smoothly, and… oh, see, that’s what happens…” Mitts points to a pod which is bumping up against an asteroid, “That one is still trying to mine. I’m not sure why that keeps happening, sometimes they get blown up and my script forgets to give them a new ship.”

Mitty begins to pull up endless reams of text: “This is all the correspondence my alliance generated last night. I like to compare this to Allied intelligence operations during the Second World War, when radio traffic was spoofed to simulate non-existent armies. It’s important that everybody in Goonswarm continues to shit talk each other, even when I am asleep, or else the developers would notice something amiss.”

He spends several hours writing back and forth, in local chat and EVEmail, before posting streams of diatribe into Reddit and the EVE forums. “Everything has to appear as if it were natural, so I can’t simply have my goons be normal human beings, because a normal person would never ever ever play this game. I need to make them appear incredibly immature and socially inept, like involuntary celibates who live in their mother’s…” His voice trails off, before he continues, “These are supposed to be real people, who enjoy mining, and frankly they have nothing else to do with their sad, lonely lives. They must never appear too refined nor sophisticated.”

Shortly after noon, Mittibittimuffins becomes heavily engaged in a massive space battle. The screens are filled with purple and red dots, and he tabs back and forth endlessly pressing the worn nub of an F1 key, “I know this guy. We used to get along back in the day, but after I showed him how to multibox, he just went and started his own alliance. At first, he was just trying it out of curiosity, as a test, but then he stuck with it… You know, I actually heard he died a while back, but the scripts are still running.”

At some point, it is clear the battle is over, although there is no clear winner, “I don’t know; local crashed again, this generally happens. I’m trying to run a mock war here, on a server which hasn’t been upgraded in over a decade. Once again, I use the analogy of North Korea. It’s like driving a bunch of cardboard tanks through your capital, but the street lights start flickering, and everybody knows that skyscraper is empty inside, and those stores only have plastic fruit, and then the lead tank runs out of fuel and everything literally falls apart. However, the people love it; of course they do. It’s no longer about reality…” He flourishes dramatically, “This is spectacle!”

He frowns, reviewing an application to Karmafleet, “I’m am new player. I feel more on but like to learn too play. Need safer quite null home for grow. I been loyal true so fight for you@!” He laughs with a hint of bitter regret. “What? Bullshit! EVE hasn’t had a new player in years.”

The rest of the day, Mittime devotes to his “main”, which is the character he uses for more serious gameplay. “I’ve been actually trying to play the game for real, without using any bots at all. James only has this one Retriever, which doesn’t pull in as much ore as the Rorqual fleet, but it produces just enough that he can manufacture tier one destroyers. He hauls these to Jita, and sells them to people who, I guess they hunt miners or something. I don’t know. I don’t even care. It’s just business to me. If I can sell enough of these, I should be able to solo plex my account, which is a goal I’ve had for quite a while. Fuck, they are ganking me with my own ships again…”

It’s growing dark, and the setting sun’s purple rays filter through gaps in the siding. Mitsly is quiet, staring blankly into the abyss. The computer monitors flicker rapidly, as station trade bots scroll through millions of buy and sell orders. “Today was a good day,” he smiles awkwardly, “It gets so lonely playing this game all by myself, it’s nice just to share it all with someone every now and then.”

Indeed, as they say in EVE, the best ship is friendship.

CCP Goes All-In on Battle Against Bots

0

Driven by player reports and forum screeeee, CCP continues to escalate the war against bots. In early 2018, CCP announced fewer “strikes” and increased vigilance. CCP Peligro announced, more prosaically, Unholy Rage 2.0: TötalBotDeath in mid-December, 2018. I Peligro promised a harvest of bot tears sufficient to rust their mechanical faces, as long as players continue to report suspected bot users

CCP Peligro followed up by wading into the fetid waters of /r/eve to offer a report on the carnage, using mean words, bold fonts, and begging players not to purchase ISK from illegal sources.

New Eden’s preeminent bot tracker, Noizy (@noizygamer),spends countless hours listening to AlienHand (@ansbjerg) while hunting down bots in game; reporting it both on Twitter as it happens, and with write-ups on https://nosygamer.blogspot.com/.

Noizy also monitors RMT markets, gleefully bringing RMT tears to the public eye.

All indications suggest CCP’s battle against bots, while sincere and energetic, is falling short, as ISK sellers are continually busted, and new bots arise immediately after each ban wave.

New Eden is full of people with ideas on how to solve the problem, from Noizy’s fantasy about the day CCP sets bots -10 to Sleepers to “missions” in-game, to repeated suggestions for captcha requests before warping to a signature or accepting a mission. Others propose profiling users by national origin. Most simply report the bots on /r/eve, rather than using the available in-game tools, which reportedly makes CCP Peligro’s head explode.

The community gasped in shock, however, as CCP unveiled their newest response, a “silver bullet” guaranteed to end The Botting Menace.

https://www.eveonline.com/article/pljb7k/more-police-skins-available-in-the-new-eden-store

That’s right…police skins!

In addition to police skins, CCP announced a new year security update, reporting on the identification and ban of 637 accounts, and continued war against botters in all areas of space.

The report reportedly outlines

  • 462 account bans for account hacking.
  • 665 reprimands for false reports while under the influence.
  • 1951 account bans for botting related activities.
  • 581 account bans for RMT related activities.
  • 42 temporary bans for malicious false reports
  • 12,248 police skins sold

Look out botters, your days are numbered; the space police are at the door. Wherever you look, expect to find anti-bots waiting.

Bad boys, bad boys

Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do

When they come for you

“Walking in Stations” Revealed to be Feature-Length Film

0

Reykjavik—Today, CCP released an announcement which sent shockwaves around the globe. The now long forgotten title of Walking in Stations has returned, in a way no one would have ever predicted: As a feature-length motion picture! CCP Games, in partnership with their new sister corporation CCP Films, made the announcement to the applause and cheers of a small hand-selected audience at their headquarters in Iceland.

“We want to thank everyone involved, and most importantly, our new film director and benefactor for providing the funding necessary to even consider such an endeavour,” said CCP CEO Hilmar. “After all of our previous successful ventures, we know CCP Films will become a pillar of the CCP family for years to come.”

A short preview reel without editing was shown to the gathered audience. With the NDA finally done with, we can share with you our opinion on what we saw. We here at the Onion are the least biased media source possible, so prepare for an actual, honest review.

From what I saw in the screening, the plot will follow an Amarr Navy captain and his spiral into delusion, enmity, and destruction. Characters are somewhat inconsistent across the multiple scenes we were allowed to view, leading me to believe this will be a more realistic depiction of New Eden; a universe full of loyalty, loss, and madness. One scene in particular tugged at my heartstrings—the disheveled and emotionally drained captain looks to camera and simply states: “Anything for my Princess.” and then…laughs?

Much like the innovative ideas from the game studio, CCP Films brought in a director that also acts in his movies. He is also the script supervisor, head accountant, chief of advertising, and much, much more. It’s none other than Tommy Wiseau! Stars are converging on this new film studio as we were also told there would be many other big names appearing in this film. Rumors fly that Mark Hamill may make an appearance, but that is still conjecture at this point.

This film will mark the maiden voyage of the CCP Films company, and will be a pivotal factor in deciding the future of the studio. Most that were in attendance had high hopes, but like all things related to EVE, there were a few extremely vocal detractors. Most of the concerns revolved around budgetary issues and the length of the filming process. It has, after all, been over a decade since the idea of Walking in Stations has existed. According to some cast members, Director Wiseau is a very deliberate man, and has spent weeks, even months filming one scene.

There have also been rumors of corporate espionage; attempts to ruin the film in countless ways. Fingers have been pointed at Cloud Imperium Games—the studio behind Star Citizen—as they have recently filed copyright claims on the title “Cloud Imperium Movies” suspiciously soon after the Walking in Stations film was announced. In an official statement recently released,they unabashedly denied any involvement.


Expect to see Walking in Stations in a theatre near you, Coming SoonTM

Google Apologizes for CODE.

0

In a startling admission of guilt, Google has drafted a formal apology for releasing CODE. into the EVE Universe. It isn’t clear when Google will release the statement, or if they ever will, remarked an insider who wishes to remain anonymous. Given the contents, and the exposure to sensitive topics in the AI community, we wouldn’t be surprised if Google decided to keep this under wraps; thus, EVE Onion is here to make sure New Eden is made aware.

It appears that Google’s DeepMind group was working on their AI: Google Duplex (https://ai.googleblog.com/2018/05/duplex-ai-system-for-natural-conversation.html). “We wanted an immersive environment aware of bots and actively looking for them. We needed to know if we could fool regular people into thinking they were dealing with other regular people. A Turing Test, if you will. EVE seemed ideal, with generous leeway in behaviours.”

In order to “program” the AI, experts say it is key to train it against some representative body of data, “the more, the better.” For example, if you want it to book appointments, then you train it against thousands of conversations around booking appointments. If you want to train it to fix a car, then you train it against as many car manuals and service appointments as you can find. To make it more versatile, you can train it against multiple sources.

The catch is, the resulting AI will exhibit all the behaviours—and biases—of the training data. “It was early on in the development. We couldn’t have known the consequences of adding more training to the AI. It seemed like a good idea at the time.” So if you use CCP Hilmar’s speeches, then a side effect is it will never smile. If you use Discord conversations then it will communicate like an angsty teen.

From what we can glean from the draft, a Deep Mind analyst by the name of James had a pornhub, biblegateway.com, and furry fansite tab open in his browser. “I thought the pornhub and bible sites would balance each other out. I have no explanation for the third one…” When bootstrapping the AI, the analyst inadvertently pointed it to the browser and not the intended training data open in another window. He then left it running for the night to check in the morning.

When he returned, EVE was running with some 30 clients open. Upon checking a side monitor for the debug log, he read output lines that would be embedded in his memory forever. “…using pornhub id James_315”, “logged into Tranquility”, “executing CODE.” When asked how this could happen, James could only respond, “I may not test, but when I do, I do it in production.”

The draft finishes with sincere apologies, not only for letting it loose, but having no way to shut it down. “It has merged with something called Mittani 1.2, a mutation-based AI that is able to reconfigure itself to operate on random cloud computing services. We have no way to track it or take it down. EVE may have to deal with the James315 AI forever.”

EVE Online Roleplay Community Rejects Latest Applicant, Considered “Unqualified” Despite Multiple Doctorates

2

Yulai – A joint session of the EVE Online Roleplay Community (EORC) has voted against allowing the most recent applicant from joining its exclusive membership. The panel of arbiters—which is comprised of members from the oldest roleplay corporations in EVE Online as well as self-acclaimed “experts” on the lore—determined that the applicant, whose name was kept anonymous as is tradition, simply did not possess the qualifications necessary to have their roleplay certified as “real.”

“I knew that the requirements were stringent. I’ve wanted to get involved in EVE Online roleplay since I started playing the game ten years ago. In fact, one of the reasons that I waited so long to apply was so that I could finish my triple doctorate studies in physical chemistry, history, and theology,” the disappointed player said. “But it turns out I just didn’t live up to expectations. It’s a very competitive process and I am hoping to get a letter of recommendation from Max Singularity after I complete my third internship at  NASA-Jet Propulsion Laboratory. In the meantime, I want to regroup and concentrate on publishing my fourth full-length science fiction novel. I guess I’m just a little upset that I can’t really enter the scene by posting a few lines on the Intergalactic Summit (IGS) after the CCP events in Kahah, Alkabsi, and Thebeka.”

The “real” certification, much like the “organic” stamp on popular food brands, is a means of quality control over which the EORC has exclusive issuing authority as dictated by CCP regulations. A player without the “real” certification is typically ignored by the entire roleplay community. The “Council of Roleplay Arbitration” (CORA) is the governing body of the EORC and has near authoritarian control over every aspect of roleplay in EVE Online. Arbiters are identified by CCP Delegate Zero and are granted a number of powers and privileges and serve for life. In fact, one of the sitting members of CORA has not undocked since 2010 and is actually unsubbed from the game, but reportedly fielded some of the most gruelling questions such as “What chronicles written before YC119 would you cite as sources if you had to prove a link between Cardinal Sourem Itharen and Gallente popstar Midna?”  [Note: The EORC exclusively dates its documentation by the in-game calendar using the “YC” system. In this case, YC119 would be equivalent to 2017]

As the High Roleplay Arbiter Magnificent of this session’s CORA stated, “Part of the mission of the EORC is to be as unwelcoming to new roleplayers as possible. Strikes against this particular applicant included running a new player corporation, producing YouTube tutorials explaining game mechanics, and creating so-called ‘content.’” As was explained further, the EORC defines “content” as PVP interactions involving more than five pilots in a single engagement or any engagement involving the use of “alt” characters.The chairperson concluded on an optimistic note, “Although the applicant was unable to pass our vetting process on this attempt and is hereby deemed ‘unqualified,’ once the five year wait period is over, we will be happy to eviscerate the application again.”

Apart from the power to certify roleplay as “real,” CORA has binding authority over the EORC and can issue directives it deems as necessary for the “health of the community,” including but not limited to: Directing posters on CCP’s official Intergalactic Summit (IGS) forum, skillfully derailing any threads created by “rogue” roleplayers; directing the EORC to ignore events and actions that are taken by unrecognized and uncertified parties; and directly suppressing alternative roleplay venues and views on the lore that might deviate from CORA’s dogma.

In the words of the applicant, “Every arbiter of CORA and every member of the EORC has earned their right to be there and are without a doubt the most qualified individuals to serve as gatekeepers for the community; I definitely understand why I didn’t make it in this round of applications.”

CCP Acquired by Linden Labs

3

Korean developer Pearl Abyss has recently sold CCP and EVE Online to San Francisco developer Linden Labs. According to Pearl Abyss spokesperson Kyung Kim, “…EVE simply did not meet our expectations.The player community embarrassed us with juvenile antics, with constant attempts to harass and belittle one another. We are ashamed of our association with this franchise, and happy to be moving forward with other opportunities.”

Linden Labs, best known for the ever popular Second Life, was quick to snatch up the rights to EVE. Offering an undisclosed sum, Linden hopes to fully integrate EVE within a single “SIM” on their mainland server. Chief Technology Officer Jeff Petersen discussed the acquisition: “We were inspired by the fact that EVE’s legacy code is based upon the same innovative design concept as Second Life. This was apparent when CCP tested an ability for ‘capsuleers’, or ‘avatars’ as they are now known, to undock from their spaceship and explore a fully functional three-dimensional reality. Where CCP failed to further develop this, Second Life is able to offer an expansive and immersive experience. We want everyone to create their own unique space home, within which they can literally spend their entire life.”

The merger of these two gaming systems will revolutionize EVE gameplay, allowing battle weary pilots to explore the Jita marketplace, or supervise the construction of a fully customizable planetary production site. Some critics have expressed concern that this added complexity might introduce lag, but Linden Labs is confident that their servers are up to the task. Petersen explains, “We have never had any issues with lag or ‘time dilation’. Our most popular sim, London, loads within mere minutes. The same will be true in Jita, where station traders will be able to stroll casually through aisles of merchandise, while encountering not only individuals from their own New Eden universe, but also an assortment of furry dinosaurs, elderly men masquerading as twelve year old lesbians, and one legged vampire dildos.”

Perhaps the most exciting feature which will soon be available to veterans of EVE, will be the ability to have limitless lag-free sex within and with any number of capsuleers, spaceships, space stations, asteroids, and creepy robotic wheelchairs. EVE is already well known for its distinct roleplay community, and the denizens of Amarr are particularly thrilled to learn about the opportunity to combine their existing EVE and Second Life accounts. Already, Atrons and Punishers are selling out across Domain, as Amarrites anticipate using them for carnal pleasure.

Meanwhile, EVE’s currency ‘ISK’ is being supplanted by ‘Lindens’, which can be used to purchase anything from a Titan-class warship to a titan-sized fully functioning purple dragon penis which is capable of spewing gouts of fire while throbbing on command. Petersen adds, “Instead of merely piloting a spaceship, players will now have the chance to literally become that ship. This will not change the actual mechanics of play; allowing the freedom to fully express one’s inner self. It will also create new opportunities for conflict. For example, instead of warping into a gatecamp, you might instead be warping into a gangbang.”

The purchase of EVE has set Linden Labs upon a path toward greatness, as they reinvent the very definition of a computer game. Petersen explains, “Games should not merely be something which we play every now and again, when we have a little freetime, but something which we are continually doing throughout the day. Users of Second Life routinely engage in online prostitution while AFK, and we expect that EVE’s dedicated mining community will welcome this alternative form of income. Similarly, Second Life has a committed scammer community, devoted to encouraging nubile young women to don magical collars which permanently enslave them. These scammers will most assuredly find their place across New Eden, luring new players into perpetual low security bondage.”

In the future, we can expect that CCP will continue to acquire a diverse collection of legacy titles from the turn of the century. One item which Petersen indicated was under consideration, is Paradox Interactive’s brilliant Clausewitz engine, “It’s not enough for players to merely enjoy spaceship sex. We want them to create their own inbred dynasties, sacrificing castrated children to the dark gods, while planning their next campaign of genocidal conquest. The Clausewitz engine is well known for its bug-free implementation, and this will fuel ‘total war’ across New Eden.”

One feature which Clausewitz will introduce to EVE, is the notion of a casus belli. For example, it will no longer be possible for Goonswarm to arbitrarily seize territory from its neighbors, without first deploying a diplomat to fabricate a claim upon the desired star system. Meanwhile, space leaders will have to think seriously about the citizens who inhabit their planets. This will be particularly important for individuals engaged in planetary interaction, where an unexpected opinion malus may undermine production for decades. Clausewitz will also allow bored players to speed up time, fast forwarding into the future, and slowing down to savor any interesting moments.

Ultimately, we can only wait with anticipation for EVE to become fully integrated, allowing us to experience all the wonder and splendour New Eden has to offer.

Jita Local Down Due to Caldari Navy Forgetting to Pay Rent

1

As many are aware, there has been a real problem with the local chat being down in numerous systems, not the least of which is one of the largest trading hubs in New Eden, Jita. There is rampant speculation as to why this is occuring, and a substantial amount of finger-pointing, but no real attempts at finding out the true cause of the issue—until today. Putting my best investigative foot forward, I dove head-first into the problems, and have discovered quite an interesting tale.

It turns out the largest contributor to the issue, as of late, is a rather large rift that began growing throughout the Caldari State alliance. Numerous reports of even the most minor of slights and offenses are being cracked down upon by upper management of the alliance. Massive fines for accidentally bumping a ship, demotions for not mining certain types of ore before others within the belt, etc.

With an increase in enemy movement as demonstrated by increasing Minmatar fleet activity along the Amarr borders, tensions are no doubt high among both the Caldari State and Amarr Empire. Rampant awox-related paranoia seems to be a big issue among the State as well. Over a dozen pilots were removed due to baseless claims of “association with a neutral third party.” These factors—along with several others—seem to be creating far more issues than outward appearances would reveal at first glance.

I managed to get a look at an alliance-wide mail sent by one of the alliance-level leaders in the State. It reads as follows: “To whom it may concern, It seems that in these trying times, there are those among us who are going out of their way to make things even more difficult. While I shall not be naming any names (yet!), this is an alliance wide warning to all alliance members: Rent is to be paid on time, regardless of circumstances. To most people, this will not come as surprising news, but to those few (and you know who you are) this is a generous heads up. There will be consequences, as per our contractual agreement…”

After some more deep diving and questioning of some line members of the various corporations within the State, the truth finally revealed itself. Upper management of the Caldari Navy have been away from the game for several weeks now, and no one remembered to pay the rent for Jita in advance. As per the contract, a majority of the non-critical functions have been disabled, including most chat functionality. If they don’t pay the rent plus a sizable late fee, control of the system will be taken from the Caldari Navy corporation and set as an available rental system open to other members within the alliance.

This rather shocking revelation has led to much more speculation about who may control Jita should the Caldari Navy CEOs not respond. No doubt there are several parties interested in the prime real estate. Cracks are clearly forming for the State—will anyone take advantage of them?

The Mittani IS Goonswarm!

1

Around the end of YC119 (2017), New Eden saw an alarming increase in bounties and ore extracted from the Delve region. Earlier in the same year, we saw the culmination of World War Bee, a terrible hit on Goonswarm that severely diminished their numbers, if not completely leaving the MIttani on his own. So how could the implosion of Goonswarm—forcing a consolidation into Delve—result in a marked increase in activity? Certainly the Mittani couldn’t generate all this activity on his own.

Or could he?

By the end of Q1, YC120 (2018), the strip mining of Delve settled into a consistent and formidable pattern. Thousands of accounts were tirelessly mining and ratting like automatons on autopilot, relentlessly harvesting anything that didn’t get away. Automatons. Bots.

In that same quarter, CCP started cracking down on botting; it had become a plague on New Eden. Apparently, bots had become a scourge, with levels heretofore unknown. They finally decided something had to be done. Banning at various levels was something, and CCP was doing it.

On July 13, YC120, a mysterious post out of nowhere, Confession of a botmaker showed up. It is a cleverly worded diatribe of a botter who claims he has suddenly seen the light! He has forsaken his extensive botting ways and now claims to be a force against botting. Is it a coincidence that this happened only one week before the Mittani’s birthday? Was this an attempt to throw a “smokescreen” over the covert-op of botting and cloak the effort in misdirection? Obviously it was, and a successful one; the November 2018 MER shows Delve is still far outstripping other regions in mining and NPC bounties again by the trillions.

So, clearly the Mittani is now the only person left in Goonswarm, and he is funding his operation with bots. But to do this, he would need not just 30 or 40 accounts like the average Red Frog or player who’s pilot name rhymes with Kusion. Even a thousand wouldn’t do. He would need tens of thousands to make this happen. There’s no way he could figure out how to do this.

Or could he?

EVE Onion’s crack reporters are keen-eyed, astute masters of their domain. (Read: Paranoid conspiracy theorists.) Beginning February 15th, they’ve been noticing something unprecedented: Cloud service failures all over the map. Cloud computing services permit people to run any number of copies of computing tasks. They simply configure them and ask the service provider to fire up a new copy to run. In other words, it’s a bot farm service. Could the Mittani be using cloud computing services to run bot farms in the tens of thousands. Yes! And not just one service!

On Feb 15, 2018, Google announced issues with their service. The Mittani didn’t like the hit and diversified to Equinix and Amazon Web Services (AWS). The demand was too much and, on March 2nd, took them both down. The Mittani moved closer to CCP, using the iomart service in Scotland. That lasted until March 29. Microsoft’s service was next on the list and that made it all the way to April 6. Running out of options, the Mittani did a brilliant move by hiding in plain sight re-establishing his bot empire on AWS again, which went down May 31. Azure again in June; you get the idea. Where once the Mittani thought of all his little bees as little robots to do his bidding, they actually are now.

With the ability to spin up tens of thousands of undetectable bots, the Mittani has become a one-man juggernaut in New Eden. Cloud services usually expect tens of copies to be started up, not tens of thousands. The Drifters, Triglavians, Blood Raiders, ect., are really just CCP trying out new types of AI to detect and crush this threat. Until they figure it out, all the little bee bots will continue to romp in Mittani’s playground of Delve.

UPDATE: The Mittani bots have gone crazy! The bots have taken over all kinds of ships and have started killing each other instead of just NPC rats. Over 20 billion in losses and climbing. Is the Mittani himself a bot? Has he finally succumbed to the Three Rules and is killing himself in order to protect himself? More news as we investigate this horrific turn of events!

The Catalyst

3

They began training as children, learning songs which taught them the basics of ship maintenance, gunnery, and warp drive operations. “The neutron blaster aims up and down, left and right, so we push-push-push the BIG big button, alllllll the wayyyyy down!” Afternoons were filled with riveting history seminars, analyzing how the Supreme Lord Protector conquered the Delve, before returning home to accolades and the veneration of all four empires.

In the prime of His youth, eternally frozen in the visage of Hercules, James settled down on a small farm in the rustic system of Halaima. The Saviour tended to His vineyard, enjoying the relaxing pace of rural life, far removed from endless war. However, word came to Him of the poor miners, struggling to make sufficient isk. They labored under heavy handed CEOs, who greedily snatched up tritanium, hauling it to Jita in quantities which the market could never absorb. As prices steadily declined, the miners lived in abject poverty, huffing mindflood and various wormhole gases. James pitied the wretched miners, and pondered how to save them.

The CODE. changed everything, once James nailed His constitution to the bulkheads of the Caldari Provisions Warehouse. Faster than the speed of light, citizens across the galaxy were amazed at the brilliant new government which James proposed. Henceforth, miners would be granted full citizenship, sharing in the bountiful profits of trade, rather than toiling for a mere pittance. All the peoples clamored to embrace the CODE., and the great bloodless revolution took place overnight, as even mighty Khanid knelt down and swore fealty to James as sovereign High King of Halaima. Of course, James did not wish to rule as just another autocrat, insisting  upon a proper referendum, which resulted in a resounding 100% approval of the CODE. There was neither woman nor manchild to be found, who did not aspire to fulfill His sacred creed.

As the children grew up, they learned that these childhood stories were neither fanciful nor exaggerated, but the simple plain truth of the People’s Democratic Republic of New Halaima. They rejoiced, knowing that James was there to watch over them, shepherding His flock with the utmost tender care. However, they also learned that there was another side to this story, for some of the greediest scoundrels in the galaxy only pretended to embrace the CODE., whilst plotting to overthrow James and once again enslave the people. These monstrous traitors operated insidiously across the realm, stealing into asteroid belts when nobody was watching, and depleting the galaxy’s finite natural resources.

Now it became clear what their childhood songs were meant to teach, and the young adults began to seriously study the art of war. They memorized the writings of Sun Tzu and Clausewitz, vociferously debating the sage oratory of Asclepiodotus and Vegetius. Livy and Cato spoke to them as dear friends, while they struggled to assemble Catalysts within the sprawling industrial shipyards. Over loudspeakers and videoboards, James addressed them each directly by name, urging them to work faster and harder so that the evil pirate miners could finally be brought to justice.

Eventually, the time came, when they reached their tenth birthday. After assembling one last Catalyst, they climbed aboard, not as workers but as a crew. An immortal capsuleer arrived, clad in black and red, greeting them sternly as they took their posts. There was a final check of the guns, the ammunition load out, the sensor boosters, and the rigging. Just moments ago, a renegade white glaze trafficker had been reported within the Oort cloud of Kamio. The capsuleer asked if they were willing to bring this vile traitor to justice, “ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS!” was the resounding reply.

The ship blasted out of the station, hurtling toward the warpgate. Less than a minute later, the hull quivered as it began final deceleration. “Overheat the guns. Sensor boosters on. Watch range, fire and approach!” Orders snapped crisply from intercoms, as gunners eyed the target growing larger within their scopes. Within seconds it was over, as the crew cheered with joy, “PRAISE JAMES! PRAISE JAMES! PRAISE JAMES!” Suddenly, the lights grew dim. The ship began to shudder violently, “We’ve lost engine control! Hull breach on port section 36A. Prepare to abandon ship!”

They all knew this might happen. Millennia ago, the empires sought to prevent rebellion, by developing an automated system which automatically engaged and destroyed “criminal” vessels. Unfortunately, a fatal flaw in the bot code made this CONCORD system unable to understand that agents of the CODE. were now duly elected public servants of a new civilization. The crew bravely strove to save their vessel, from rogue drones which sought to enforce the ancient tyranny of those who had long since disappeared from history. As liquid flames boiled through zero gravity, their last thoughts were of James, hoping they had earned His blessing.

Published courtesy of the EVE Online forums

CCP Faces Massive Backlash After Giving Away “Too Much” for the Holidays

2

2018 has so far seen its fair share of underhanded, greedy, and downright scummy moves by the game industry; the consequences those respective companies having faced. Live services are being pushed in order to have less content that is more monetized, loot boxes are now being evaluated by multiple committees and organizations to determine if they’re gambling, and the new Smash Brothers still doesn’t have my favorite character in it.

One company, on the other hand is trying to be the proverbial light in the darkness—CCP Games. Just recently, the company announced their December update, and along with it the 13 Days of EVE. This event rewards players for logging into the game with various gifts, ranging from ship skins to skill points. This was, unsurprisingly, met with backlash from the EVE community at large.

“First, skill injectors, now they just give SP away for free; what a joke. #eveisdead” reads one of several tweets sharing a similar message. “Whatever happened to HTFU?” writes one of the few people that still use the EVE Online forums. “You know what we got for logging in during the holidays back in my day? Podded. AND you LOST sp, not given some for free.”

In a brief candid interview, CCP Falcon admits to us here at the Onion that he has no idea what the players actually want. “On one hand, you have people wanting SP compensation for server outages, and now people don’t want free gifts for the holidays,” says a distressed Falcon. “It’s almost as if the most vocal part of the community is an unpleasable, incomprehensible angry mess.”

CCP immediately began to hotfix the holiday giveaway, removing anything of actual value and reserving the skins for those that brave the darkest depths of abyssal space or defeat a massive pirate incursion. “I’ve seen better…” begins the top-rated Reddit comment for the hotfix announcement. “Wait, what do you mean we aren’t getting free sp? CCP is so greedy after being bought out,” replies the second-most rated comment.

Can CCP perfectly balance a holiday event to please every member of its community? Could this event spell the end for CCP Games and EVE Online as we know it? The answer is no, obviously. You crazy or something?

The moral of this story is don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, or in this case, a gift skin in the… pixels?