The Caldari Outer Worlds Astronomical Research and Discovery Survey has recently revealed that Caldari systems just disappear from space sometimes. As many Caldari citizens have noticed over the last few months, some systems of Caldari space have simply vanished without a trace. All communications to these systems ceased abruptly and attempted space lane travel has been cut off. While there was wild speculation that these systems were conquered by the invading Triglavian forces, the Caldari government would like all citizens to know that this is not the case. A recent survey has revealed that “Caldari systems just disappear from space sometimes”.

“The science here is all very new and theoretical, but it appears that in some cases a system claimed by the Caldari people will cease to exist,” reported Karl Spinster, lead astronomer of the survey. “We’ve watched the phenomenon closely these last months and while other empires have had systems disappear too, it seems that our Caldari space is just a little more likely to see the strange occurrences.”

When questioned about the possibility that an alien force may have claimed these systems and destroyed the incoming stargates, Karl replied “That is entirely outside the realm of possibility! We have confirmed reports that our glorious and heroic EDENCOM forces stopped the invading Triglavian scum at every pass! Hurrah!”

According to official news releases, the Caldari Government was first informed about the possibility of “disappearing space” several months ago when Sakenta suddenly vanished from The Forge region. Alarmed by the potential ramifications, all resources that could be spared were devoted to determining the cause of the loss.The Caldari Outer Worlds Astronomical Research and Discovery Survey (C. O. W. A. R. D. S) was launched, quickly packing on the light years as they rushed to study other systems that had disappeared. 

After five months of survey and many grueling hours poring over data from every possible outer world, the Survey team struck gold when the Amarr controlled system of Niarja also underwent a disappearance. Heroic EDENCOM forces defeated the invading Triglavians and their sympathetic capsuleer supporters only to have the system vanish before their eyes. 

To date, 16 Caldari systems have experienced the phenomenon. A breakdown of other empires’ losses includes four Amarr systems, five Gallente systems, and two Minmatar systems. There is currently no clear explanation for why Caldari systems disappear more often; Government Officials claim that there is no cause for alarm.

“It is highly likely that we will see these systems re-emerge in the next year or so and all have a good laugh at the little peek-a-boo game!” said Karl.

While a full explanation as to why this happens has not been given, the C.O.W.A.R.D.S are confident they will find the answers needed with enough time, patience, and government support. 

Celebrations can be heard across numerous station brothels and bars throughout New Eden following the latest in plans for occupied systems by the Triglavian Collective. “Praise to our Triangle Overlords” could be heard chanted through many nullsec boarding cities.

A spokesperson for the Collective announced a plethora of Mega-infrastructure projects during a regular public address, but all were quickly pushed out of focus at the mention of the Bahromab stargate within the Niarja system being redirected to the Stain system of LC-1ED  to support the Triglavian offensive against Sansha’s Nation. Raids on Triglavian controlled abyssal dreadspace by the Nation have spurred the stargate appropriation. Further details of allied capsuleer participation in future “Sansha quelling” operations were mentioned among the elated cries of the observing crowds.

The Collective, not realizing the gravitas of the announcement, was quickly bombarded with calls of support from numerous coalitions and alliances throughout null security space. Pledges of materials, manpower, structure production capacity, and logistics flooded in overwhelming Collective liaisons in Niarja. Pro-Collective hackers quickly economized on the situation, plastering propaganda posters across as many stargate and station billboards as possible before CONCORD quickly clamped down on the intrusions. Similar posters calling for support of the Collective and their efforts to bring about “The Holy Staingate”. Paper forms and leaflets rapidly started to appear in all manner of places and local governments with authorities struggling to contain the outbreaks.

No timelines have been outlined, but it is certain that such an opportunity to gain further support by the cut-throat capsuleer population in New Eden will not go unexploited by the Triglavian Collective. Critics of the Collective have remained quiet, knowing that voicing concerns would fall on deaf ears, as well as potentially undermining efforts to reduce public support for the collective. EDENCOM was expected to offer a counter response, but was equally shocked as the public at the announcement.

The Amarr Empire was also caught off guard by the announcement as their stargate to Stain was recently put on hold following invasions to their sovereignty and the major disruptions that followed. Rumours whisper out of The Empress’s government of rushed plans to restart the project and capture capsuleer support first.
StainGuy, a vocal, long time advocate for a low security route to the Stain Constellation, regained consciousness in a Mindflood Rehabiliation Clinic in Querious, and commented:
“I can’t believe this is happening! I just can’t even right now!”

It’s very busy at Goonswarm War HQ, but EVE Onion was able to pull a favour and get a sit-down with TheMittani to see how things are going with World War Bee 2.

EVE Onion: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to …

TheMittani: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, I’m very busy and important. Get to the questions. We already know how lucky you are to talk to me.

Right. Down to business. Do  you….

Hey, hang on. I was told this wouldn’t be published ‘til after I say it can be published. This is some next level shit I’m shoveling. You’re gonna keep this under wraps until I say it can be released, right?

Uh, yes, for sure.

What’s your name? I’m comin’ after you if there’s any problems. Don’t think this war protects you from my wrath!

Uh, OpusMagnum. That’s o – p – u…

Yeah, yeah, I’ve written it down. I can write, y’know. I’ll have viruses deployed to your computer and your house under surveillance within the hour. Now get on with it.

There are people calling this the, “To Bee or Not To Bee” war. Does this spell the end for Goonswarm?

This alliance has been going strong for 10 years. We bring other alliances down, they don’t bring us down. Are you even old enough to remember Band of Brothers? They were the real nuisance in the game. Now there’s a new one, this PAP TEST or Trouser Snake coalition or whatever they’re calling themselves these days. Well, let me tell you this, son, they ain’t gettin’ anywhere near Fortress Delve. They think they’re doin’ damage because that’s what I want them to think.

So these epic clashes in Fountain and Querious…

Skirmishes. See, I didn’t want Team Pap Smear

I think it’s “Anaconda Coalition” now

Whatever, I don’ wannem thinkin’ nobody’s livin’ in those areas at all. We staged a proper pull-out at just the right time but left just enough for them to think they so clever and caught us. They’re wasting time kicking some castles while we sit back and enjoy the show.

Ok, so you’re executing your rhythm method as planned, but you’re losing hundreds of billions in these “skirmishes”.

Yeah, that’s nothin’. Didn’t you see the contract that was sent over? It was worth a TRILLION. Do you even know that word?

But what you have and what the market will bear are two very different things.

WHAT?! You tryna be funny?? I just go Jita sell. Do you even EVE?

Ok, so you have limitless reserves…

Damn right.

…but why throw away assets when you could just “pull out”, as you put it, and be ready in Delve?

Ok, this is where we go next level. Y’know when you’re fightin’ someone and you let the shields go a bit lower or you undock the Orca, be like, “oh, I didn’t realize I was undocking while an enemy fleet was near”. That’s called “baitin’”. That’s what we’re doin’ right now. We baitin’ the One Eyed Snake Coalition to think they got us in a corner.

Oh, I see. You want to make sure they commit and by the time they realize they’re stretched too far, you will easily defend your homefront while launching a counter-offensive on their own, weakened turf?

Yeah, something like that. What’s this counter offensive thing?

I think I’ve taken up enough of your time. Are there any thoughts you’d like to leave with our readers?

The swarm is coming, the bees know how to win, your anaconda don’t.

Tokyo Technology Expo, Tokyo – Acclaimed and a much loved by the public Elon Musk let slip during a Q&A session with automotive experts that some of the most critical code that drives the green machines that are Tesla cars is from none-other than Eve Online. A South Korean startup that specializes in self-driving cars and, more specifically, networked self-driving and self-learning cars, asked about sections of lengthy convoluted and seemingly pointless code blocks in the open-source code driving Tesla cars. 

Elon was reluctant to share any more information about the game code driving his company’s cars but after a Toyota representative said they would extract the code and license the more efficient code out, he burst into a suddenly panicked state. “No! Leave the code be! You have no idea what horrors await once the code is removed! It is the only thing protecting us from machine armageddon!!” Elon muttered to himself with a panicked look and hollow eyes as all the blood drained from his face. “The footage still haunts my dreams after we let loose a Tesla without the code…all those children…so…so…much anger…we had to put it down before it got out of containment.”

Elon then rushed out of the conference leaving shocked experts to awkwardly sit in the silence that followed. Elon was seen eyeing a parked Tesla with great fear before getting into a Subaru Impreza whispering that it won’t hurt him, he can “feed it directly…quelch its hunger.”

For those not in the know, POS code is a much joked about programming in the MMORPG game, Eve Online, that is blamed for almost any and all bugs and issues that plague the game. The code governs structures that used to be the industry backbone of the game but are now relegated to the single task of being protective outposts. Whether there is a concern to be had following the strange outburst of Elon Musk has yet to be seen. But maybe the reason the game developers keep the code and shared it in the first place is a very important one to humanity at large.

CCP Games head CCP Hilmar couldn’t be reached for comment at his low-tech home in Iceland, as he unexpectedly broke away from all forms of technology three years prior. He now spends his time erecting scarecrows made from the bones of washing machines and cars to ward off the “machine twilight” he has told concerned game enthusiasts who frequent his home.

Setting the record straight, the person who bombed Seddow’s FC chat stream was NOT Seddow’s dad, OK? There’s been a lot of memeing and laughs directed at our esteemed exec, and the joke has run its course. It’s time to let this case of mistaken identity go. 

As you all surely saw, Seddow appeared on Pando’s FC Chat stream, full neckbeard and all with camera angle giving view of the doorway behind him. It was during this stream a person one could, yes, I admit, fit the “dad” description interrupted the chat. The tucked in shirt, “dad bod”, the paternal way they held that can of beer in hand, all gave the illusion of a fatherly figure to the Dreadbomb. Executor. My friends, it’s nothing more than that: an illusion. This person is not Seddow’s Father. 

I hope that, coming from me, a respected DB. member, this dispels the rumors and ends the joke of Seddow’s Father interrupting the FC chat. “DADBOMB” is in fact a separate person, is not “chad”, and did not enter the room to check to see if Seddow was “winning”…

Though he is. 

When the Hisec trade route choke-point of Niarja was invaded and subsequently conquered by The Triglavian Collective, the ensuing sodium chloride produced by the player parties involved during the siege—heaped upon the EVE forums, r/EVE, and community Discord servers—was enough to nearly overwhelm the game devs. The pure, unfiltered NaCl pouring out of players began piling so high CCP Sledgehammer expressed fears the company would need “to rent storage just to store it all.”

Niarja serves as a “pipe” system along the formerly shortest route between the largest trade hubs in New Eden, Jita and Amarr. When The Triglavian Collective began invading Empire systems and recruiting capsuleers to assist in taking the systems to seemingly harvest the suns for resources, many hisec and skeptical players expressed doubt any key systems would be invaded. Many of the Kybernaut (Pro-Triglavian) community dearly hoped they would, for a successful conquering of a system with the right type of sun lowers the security status, and in the final stage of “Full Liminality” the system will drop to null security – a system without CONCORD. No police, no rules for engagement, just free PvP and gatecamping. This, as one can imagine, would make moving goods via freighter through any such system much more difficult. For this reason, the system of Niraja has been viewed as the “holy grail” for Kybernauts. The Pro-Triglavian players waited in anticipation while the EDENCOM (Anti-Triglavian) supporting players expressed their doubts.

Naturally, when the system was invaded many players had mixed-to-strong feelings about the prospect. No insignificant amount of players were nervous, some outraged, while Kybernauts leapt for joy. For a brief time, the null empires looked on with vague curiosity, but soon they began throwing their lot in, seeing the importance of such a chokepoint, as it falling would mean the safest route between the two trade hubs would be a whopping 45 jumps. Such would be a minor inconvenience to null coalitions with jump freighter services so they couldn’t just sit idly by.Many hours of stalemate PvE grind and Catalyst ganks had players exhausted and venting their frustrations, aspirations, sh*tposting, and disdain for each other in local chat. Community leads, FCs and CCP could only look on as salt poured forth from players, especially as the system hit Liminality after The Imperium sent reinforcements to the outnumbered Kybernauts. Within a day of their arrival, at the command of TheMittani, the system was conquered, and the salt mounds in Niarja quickly buried local chat and began spilling over into Discord.

In a stroke of genius, CCP marketing specialist CCP Alpha formulated a plan for the overabundance of blood-pressure-elevating granules: “Why don’t we just sell the stuff?” Truly a remarkable, if risky business venture for a game development company. Masked interns were brought in by truckload, carrying boxes of CCP’s EVE themed salt shakers, and were put to the task of scooping the salt into the shakers and boxing them for shipment.

The new Premium Niarja Salt™ in EVE shakers is now available on the EVE Online Gear store. For a limited time, players can also purchase the stylish EVE Waterproof Backpack/Duffel Bag filled with Niarja salt. Players are encouraged to take advantage of this sale quickly, as the salt supply from Niarja is finite; many players burnt themselves out on shooting Triglavian and EDENCOM NPCs for several days straight.

In stunning news this week, CCP has confirmed a special investigation will be opened looking into accusations leveled at several prominent players of collusion in the Abyssal FFA Arenas. Shocking almost nobody, many reddit posts and stories have been circulating claims, and even screenshots, that some infamous players are messaging others in the Arena and offering to “team up” to gain an advantage. The apparent conversation logs have outraged many. 

Announced on the EVE Forums where they were unseen until somebody posted the news to Reddit, the investigation received many upvotes indicating probable approval by the community. The collusion indicated by numerous screenshots and claims by Arena-goers is widely perceived as un-sportsman-like and controversial. 

In the latest Abyssal Arena, the combat is Free-For-All style, restricted to Destroyer Class ships. Again, surprising nobody, certain players with excess isk bling these cheap ships to gain massive advantage, and are now suspected of attempting to collude with others in the arena for yet more advantage. Many players recognize these high rollers and have taken to targeting them as the biggest threat first. 

There is debate if the strategy should be illegal or not. The engagement is “free for all”, but does that entail being free to work together? This question along with a myriad of complaining posts and downvotes had pressured CCP, seemingly to pass the issue and task of investigating off on the CSM. The Council of Stellar Management unanimously agreed to nominate Brisc Rubal for Special Counsel to the investigation, who has refused comment on the matter to-date.

As the weeks passed and more Proving Ground filaments have come and gone, one thing remains consistent: the clever ways capsuleers are finding to gain an advantage and inflate their egos. With each iteration of the Proving Grounds it seems CCP has, at the least, imposed some restrictions on ship bling, angering many of the well-off, elite PvPers. Time will tell if the Special Report will reveal the collusion to be an issue CCP must actually act on.

Delve – Recently, TheMittani apologized over a Discord interview for his seemingly careless remarks regarding certain members of the Imperium Coalition. 


“I want to make this clear,” he started “there are certain alliances that think, for whatever reason, they are part of the Imperium. Those alliances are not members. Their membership was never fully confirmed. But that’s OK! I love and value fake members of the Imperium as much as any real member of the Imperium.”

At this point, several diplomatic aides attempted to interrupt TheMittani but he quickly muted their microphones and continued:

“If anyone wants to pretend to be in the Imperium and under the protection of our super-umbrella, I am more than willing to value them as well. This is a community of love and respect after all.”

When pressed for details as to who, exactly, is not part of the coalition, The Mittani responded, “Oh you know, there’s The Initiative, and that impoverished sub-group INIT Mercs. A few others too, whose names escape me. That is not the point. The point is that regardless of whatever misleading statements may have been made as to their membership in the coalition, I hold these fake members in the highest respect! I even have an INIT friend; his name is Keith, I think.”

Diplomats from multiple member alliances typed ALL CAPS messages of dissent in their respective #DIPLO channels before mass-exiting the discord and heading to the nearest source of high-proof alcohol.

“What? What did I say?” asked TheMittani.

“You told everyone that The Initiative is not really part of the Imperium. They are ‘fake members’” responded several bewildered F1 monkeys. 

“Is that what I said, or is that what you think you heard?” TheMittani replied. “There seems to be some confusion as to the context of my statements here and I am not sure that people are fully understanding what I said over what they think I said, or wanted to hear me say.” as he activated the Spin-Doctor2000 on his soundboard. “So let’s try and make this very clear. I value The Initiative and its members. I find The Initiative to be an upstanding and engaging group within Eve Online, and I am saddened to see them being bullied and invaded by Test Alliance Please Ignore and their Legacy Coalition cohorts.” 

“But you literally just said that you value them, even though they are not really part of the Imperium!” yelled somewhat angry line members who were currently in a fleet commanded by pilots from The Initiative.



“I’m sorry you feel that way, and that your misunderstanding of my statements has caused such emotional trauma. It may be wise for you to remember that this is just a game. We didn’t need the Initiative anyway.”

Multiple Imperium-led media outlets immediately jumped on the statements made by TheMittani, claiming that this was all an elaborate setup by Test Alliance Please Ignore and other members of the Legacy Coalition to trick The Initiative into believing Goonswarm Federation and other alliances from The Imperium would rush to their aid in the event of a war. 

Ishukone Corporation Factory–Mista

For Capsuleer Scone Pancake I-alt, life had just turned upside down, with years of hard work and many hours of scheming coming to a sad end. He looked out of his pilot’s quarters into the devoid space beyond the station, seeking guidance on what to do now, his entire purpose for being now redundant. 

Following years of concerted efforts to tame the lands of Providence,and the boot of many jokes, Provibloc was essentially disbanding. The project had come to an end. Empress Catiz formally acknowledged the withdrawal of interest in the region, writing it off as an honourable retreat by her loyal subjects. Some remain, but there is little hope for any meaningful presence in the region; the local aggressors had seen to that, preying on the handful of stragglers or the occasional evac vessel.

Mr I-alt however, has no reason to continue on. His entire existence is solely for the purpose of being a spy in the bloc, to be the ears, eyes, and the occasional co-ordinated decimation of operations that he sadly had to do to keep up the ruse for his real superiors. He had risen high in their ranks, played the part of a committed leader, organised logistics, mining, industry, and most important of all: diplomatic ties. And now all of that had come to an end. Truth be told, he was becoming concerned with his dedication to the operation; he was more CVA than spy at this point. He was only supposed to be simple eyes and ears in the alliance and somehow he became one of its most valued members. He was on a first-name basis with many of the CEOs and was just grasping the basics of Russian, something essential to issuing orders to interceptor pilots. His affection for his unaware alliance members caused a brief tear to swell in his eye before he quickly put an end to the thought. All those green captains he trained, all the fleets he commanded, all the laughs he shared, now no more. Where would he go next, and does he have the will to lose it all again?

Such is the sad fate of hundreds of planted agents in the coalition. There was definitely not enough work out there in the rest of New Eden for them all. And it would not be easy to get into another corporation; anyone recruiting would smell a spy as soon as he stepped in the door, unlike the instant application approval in Provibloc. Most of all, would they take the heartbreak again? Just as Mr I-alt soon came to realise, he became so much more than a spy; he became an unsuspecting part of something much, much greater.

Bars and diners across Domain are littered with ex-spies for the time being, drinking their sorrows away until the pain no longer throbs through their hearts. They occasionally pear out windows into space, quelching sorrows of the past. Farwell Provibloc, see you in the next life. o7