NEW EDEN — In a stunning turn of events that has left the entire EVE Online player base questioning their life choices, a rogue Sansha NPC has officially outranked every single participant in CCP Games’ recently concluded PvP Fest event.
The NPC, identified as a Level 4 Sansha Incursion Commander, secured a top 10 position on the official leaderboard by simply doing what it has done for the past 15 years: existing in space and shooting at anything that moves.
“I don’t understand what the fuss is about,” the NPC reportedly told sources close to the constellation. “I was simply doing my job. I saw a ship, I locked it, I fired. That’s literally all I’ve ever done. The players were the ones who decided to fly into my triggered spawn.”
CCP Games, who organized the PvP Fest as a celebration of player-versus-player combat, has declined to comment on how a non-player character managed to accumulate more ranking points than thousands of paying subscribers who spent weeks preparing doctrine ships and coordinating stratops.
“Honestly, this tracks,” said one wormhole resident who requested anonymity. “We’ve been saying for years that NPC damage is overtuned. The game has been NPCs vs. Players: NPC wins, for years. This is just official recognition of what we’ve all known.”
The PvP Fest organizers have announced they will be awarding the stolen ranking position back to the human player who technically placed 11th, though sources say he has reportedly quit the game out of sheer existential shame.
At press time, the NPC had begun farming the Jita undock, showing no signs of stopping.
