Hard Knocks’ Pets Attack Weebs Over Cat-Ears

On 15 June, Hard Knocks’ favorite pet SYNDE was lured by General Mobabi of the group “Ugandan Death Squad” with the promise of cat-ear SKINs for their Ikitursas, attacked the home of Weebfleet, J120308, New Eden’s premier wormhole anime corp. Charging headfirst into Weebfleet’s headquarters—in typical SYNDE fashion—they were smothered by body pillows while the Weebfleet tribe yelled their war cry of “Oneiros-Chan best girl!”.

EVE Onion reporters approached SYNDE for comment, inquiring on the motivations behind the attack. While fervently denying any implication of enjoying anime, they did admit that “anime cat-ears are a top-quality accessory.” Unconfirmed reports by General Mobabi of Ugandan Death Squad claimed the presence of such accessories in the home of Weebfleet.

Weebfleet was also approached to comment on the incident and stated: ”While we indeed possess cat-ear SKINs for the Ikitursa, the failure of SYNDE to show appropriate reverence to ‘best girl Oneiros-Chan’ was an inexcusable transgression and was met with the most stubborn of resistance.”

After losing the first battle, SYNDE ran back to its owner Hard Knocks and communicated via a series of barks and yelps the traumatic experience. Forever the attentive owner, Hard Knocks visited the home of Weebfleet to see if an agreement could be reached. Unfortunately, Hard Knocks failed to praise “best girl Oneiros-Chan” and Weebfleet again used their arsenal of body pillows and cat ears against Hard Knocks. However, years of C6 krabbing had strengthened the pincers of the eternal red crabs, enabling them to slice through the densest of low-class skulls; they were then able to fend off the attacks of the anime fetishists with ease. Unable to reach a dialogue, Hard Knocks scolded their pet, and left SYNDE to its own devices.

When asked to comment, Hard Knocks issued a prepared statement: “We are not responsible for the actions of our pets. We will, however, act swiftly in accordance to the principles of Noobman and Braxus, to ensure that our property is unharmed.”

SYNDE, forever the low-skill pilots, had not learned their lesson, and attempted another assault on Weebfleet. Acting on inaccurate reports, they failed to notice the gathering of Weebfleet and Wrong Hole pilots. While details of the battle are scarce due to the chaos of the fight, there were distinct reports of the leader of the joint Weebfleet/Wrong Hole fleet, Malachird, screaming about ”low skilled pilots” and “autism.”

With many of the hostile fleet members scattered or incapacitated, SYNDE was finally able to loot a cache of cat-ear Ikitursa SKINs. SYNDE reported the success of their mission to their master, and Hard Knocks took a picture to share with their best friends Lazerhawks, the premier WH furry roleplay corp. EVE Onion tried to reach Lazerhawks for comment however all that could be heard over the phone were faint cries of “no weebs allowed”.